A bit of a time jump.
They were starting their third tour together since Deacon had gotten sober. Rayna's first tour had been short, finishing just after the new year. The second tour started just after Maddie's first birthday and had lasted until right before Thanksgiving. Maddie had celebrated her second birthday during rehearsal for the third tour. He and Rayna had finally found a relatively comfortable rhythm between the two of them, although they still avoided most personal conversations. It was for the best, though, as Deacon really didn't want to hear about Rayna's life with Teddy. That still felt raw and painful. Maybe it always would, he wasn't sure.
It was easy to forget about Teddy, though, since their paths rarely crossed anymore. After the first tour, Teddy mostly stayed away. He obviously felt out of place in Rayna's world and Deacon was relieved not to be subjected to Teddy's glares and snarky remarks when he was around. These days Deacon found himself looking forward to touring and all that went along with that. He'd also seemed to finally have found the key to staying sober. As hard as it still was not to be with Rayna the way he wanted to, he'd discovered that being faced with all that he had lost was motivation to not drink. It wasn't that it was always easy, because there were certainly days when it was a struggle, but ironically, knowing what he was missing seemed to keep him straight.
He wondered if he would ever get over Rayna. The pain of losing her and watching her have everything they'd ever dreamed of with someone else never seemed to completely go away. He wanted to get past it though. He knew he needed something to help him move on from the yearning and the regret. He got out of his truck the beginning of their last week of rehearsal before the tour started. He threw his messenger bag across his shoulder and pulled his guitar out of the back of the truck. He saw Rayna's SUV, so he knew she was already there.
As he approached the building, a pretty brunette came through the door. She caught his eye and smiled, wrinkling her nose just a bit. "Hey, Deacon," she said, with her soft Southern drawl.
He quickly glanced over her, appreciatively taking in her long, slender legs in those tight jeans. She had on a form-fitting tank top and her dark hair curled around her shoulders. He couldn't remember her name, but he'd seen her around more than once. He smiled back at her. "Hey," he said, as he headed up the steps.
She stopped on the step just above his. "Y'all heading out soon?" she asked, her voice like liquid chocolate.
He stopped as well. He was right at eye level with her and noticed she had pretty hazel eyes and a smattering of freckles across her nose. Freckles that reminded him of Rayna. He took a deep breath. He couldn't go there. "Yeah," he said. "Gotta run. I'm late." And he left her staring after him.
As he headed down the hallway, he thought about the fact that he needed to get back out there socially. Not that it was easy for him, but he couldn't just sit around waiting for Rayna. As far as he could tell, she was committed to Teddy, and the sooner he accepted that and moved on, the better. But it was hard. He compared every woman he met to Rayna. If a woman had too many of her characteristics, or the ones he associated most with her, he couldn't go there. Redheads were out. Freckles were out. Blue eyes, especially dark blue like hers, were out. Unfortunately, too many women reminded him of Rayna.
He'd been with a handful of women since he'd come back to Nashville. Few and far between though. And they were all the type Cole referred to as 'one-and-dones'. He wasn't ready for a relationship, though. It might be a long time before he was ready for that. Eleven years was a long time, and in spite of everything they'd put each other through, it was a high bar to hit. For him, anyway. Clearly Rayna had been able to get over it.
He felt a knot in his chest as he rushed into the rehearsal room. He had to stop thinking about this crap. He set his guitar case down on the stage, pulling off the messenger bag and tossing it on the nearby table a little more forcefully than he otherwise might have. He opened up his case and was starting to pull out his guitar, his jaw clenched. Just then he heard a tiny, high-pitched voice shout out his name. "Deke!" He looked up and immediately his face softened and he smiled. Maddie.
The little girl raced over to him, so fast that Rayna couldn't stop her. She got right to the edge of the stage and Deacon plucked her up in his arms. "Hey there, Maddie," he said, with a grin. "You gotta be careful, though, girl. You coulda run right off that stage." She giggled and buried her face in his shoulder.
"Maddie, I told you not to run off like that," Rayna said from above the two of them. He looked up at her, noticing that instead of looking upset, she looked a little sad.
"I got her, Ray," he said. "She's okay." He rubbed his hand over Maddie's back and the little girl threw her arms around his neck.
"I wuv you, Deke," she declared.
He laughed. "I love you too, Maddie," he said, and kissed her on the top of her head. He did love her, too. It had surprised him, but, then, she was Rayna's, and that seemed to make all the difference. Then he put his hands around her waist and hoisted her back up on the stage where Rayna took her little hand. "But don't run off from your mama anymore, okay?"
Maddie looked solemn, putting her index finger in her mouth. "Kay," she said quietly, nodding, then looking up at Rayna. "I sowwy, Mama."
Rayna leaned down and picked up her daughter. "It's okay, sweet girl," she murmured into Maddie's hair, kissing her cheek. She looked back down at Deacon. "I need to get her back to Mia and then we can start."
He nodded and then watched her walk off with Maddie on her hip. Sadness washed over him and he even felt tears spring up in his eyes. That could have been us. She should have been ours. He shook his head and breathed in deeply, pushing down his emotions as he pulled his guitar out of the case and ran up the steps onto the stage.
~nashville~
Maddie was quick. As soon as she'd started walking, which was when she was two days shy of eleven months old, she was always in a hurry. Rayna and Teddy found themselves always running after her, trying to catch her before she fell or before she ran into something. Rayna often followed her with a camcorder, especially when she was on tour. Teddy couldn't make it out to meet them often anymore and she didn't want him to miss anything Maddie did.
He'd started to hint around, after the end of her last tour, about having another baby, but she wasn't ready. She'd had no idea how much time and effort it took to raise a child, until she had Maddie, and trying to combine that with touring was no piece of cake. Her career was taking off and she was now headlining major arenas. She couldn't stop to have another baby. Not right now.
Maddie had scampered off ahead of her as they headed out to the stage. Rayna was wearing her stiletto heels to rehearse in and, although she was pretty agile on them, she was no match for her toddler in her tiny cowgirl boots. Her heart was in her chest as she watched her daughter barrel towards Deacon as he stood at the edge of the stage. One reason was that Maddie was racing towards that same edge, but the other was that she was racing towards Deacon.
She watched Deacon grab Maddie, grinning at her. She swallowed hard, her heart in her throat. Maddie adored Deacon, had from the moment he'd held her when she was six months old. Every time she watched the two of them together, she questioned herself and her decision to keep the truth from Deacon. He was still sober, two and a half years now, longer than he'd ever stayed sober before. She couldn't help but wonder, if she'd told him that day she'd gone to the cabin, would that have been enough to straighten him out. Would he have figured out how to turn his life around so he could be a father to his child? Or would the pressure have been too great? Would she have always been waiting for him to fall?
She walked up to where Deacon was holding Maddie. She felt so many things in that moment – she felt like she could throw up but she also felt a tender warmth at seeing the bond the two of them were forming. "Maddie, I told you not to run off like that," she said.
Maddie curled up into Deacon's shoulder as he held her tightly. "I got her, Ray," he said. "She's okay."
She watched Maddie put her arms around Deacon's neck. "I wuv you, Deke," she cried out. Rayna bit the inside of her cheek. Maddie couldn't say 'Deacon' and had shortened it to 'Deke'. It melted her heart to see how comfortable her daughter was with him.
Deacon settled her back on the stage, but not without telling the little girl he loved her too. Rayna had to look away for a moment, afraid all her feelings would show up on her face. She reached down for Maddie's hand, not looking at Deacon. Maddie looked so contrite then, so she leaned down and picked her up, burying her face in her daughter's hair until she'd regained her control. She finally looked back down at Deacon. "I need to get her back to Mia and then we can start," she said, controlling her voice so she didn't give away all the myriad of emotions she was feeling.
Maddie was asleep when they finished rehearsal and Mia took her out to the car, while Rayna wrapped up. She and Bucky went over the set list with Deacon one more time. "What do you think we should end with, Deacon?" she asked.
He was looking over the list. "'Already Gone' for sure, as the last song before the encore. Gets 'em on their feet wanting more."
She nodded. "I agree. What about an encore?"
He worked his lip a minute. "What about two songs? 'This Love Ain't Big Enough' is still your top seller."
She often wondered how he felt about performing that one with her. It wasn't as overtly about him as 'The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts', but she'd written it in that same timeframe, when she'd kicked him out of her band and her life. She'd written several songs about him, about that time in their lives. "Sounds good," she said, nodding. She cleared her throat. "What about 'I Could Not Ask For More'?"
Deacon looked pensive as he seemed to think that through. Then he nodded. "That could work. But do that one first. It's more of a ballad and you want to send 'em out all energized."
She smiled. This was why she needed him in her band. He knew her so well and he knew how to spotlight her best. He understood what it took to make her shine. "I think you're right," she said. "Perfect." She stood up. "Look, I need to get Maddie home. Great rehearsal today, y'all. Let's do it again tomorrow."
Bucky grinned. "Sounds like a plan."
Rayna hurried out to the car so she could get home. They were already running late. She was halfway to Mia's house to drop her off when she decided to call Teddy and let him know they were on their way. "Mia, will you find my phone, please?" she asked, lifting up her purse and handing it to her babysitter in the back seat.
After a moment, Mia looked at her with a frown. "It's not here, Ms. Jaymes," she said.
Rayna looked puzzled, then she frowned. "Damn. I must have left it at Sound Check." She thought for a moment. "I've got to go back. Do you mind?" She looked at Mia in the rearview mirror.
Mia shook her head. "No problem."
Rayna turned around as soon as she could and headed back towards East Nashville. She was sure she'd left it on the table where she and Bucky had been talking to Deacon. When she got to Sound Check, she ran across the parking lot and up the stairs. She hurried down the hallway to the rehearsal hall. The door was still open and as she approached it, she could hear Deacon singing. She stood in the shadows listening.
I remember our last spotlight there / She wanted me and no one else / Nowadays I play my part / Pay a dime you'll see my broken heart
Cause that curtain falls / The lights go out / The show goes on / She leaves town / If you know what's good for you you'll just let her go / Or you'll end up next to me in her sideshow
She swallowed hard, feeling an aching sadness. She decided to act like she hadn't heard him and walked briskly into the room, making sure her boots made a distinctive click as she did. He stopped playing, looking at her uncomfortably, but she just smiled her performance smile as she spied her phone on the table where she'd left it. "Sorry," she said, with a giddy little laugh. "I forgot my phone." She walked over and picked it up. "Are you working on arrangements?"
He nodded. "Yeah," he said, putting his guitar down. Then he looked away.
She bit her lip. She knew he was embarrassed and that he was unsure what she might have heard. She decided right then she wouldn't bring it up. "I'll let you get back to it then," she said. She hesitated just a moment. "See you tomorrow."
He turned back and looked at her and she knew she saw pain in his eyes. He didn't say a word, just gave her a brief nod. She turned and hurried out, tears filling her eyes.
~nashville~
He didn't know how long he sat there, with his eyes closed. Even though she acted like she'd just gotten there and hadn't heard him, he knew. He could see it in her eyes. He knew she thought she had it all down, her performance face. The smile, the words, the gestures. She was a pro, she could fool anyone into thinking everything was okay, that she had no worries, no concerns, no disappointments. Except for him. He could always see what was in her eyes.
He didn't want her to see his pain, his yearning. Not when she seemed happy or at least she wanted him to believe she was happy. He'd worked hard to separate himself from her, at least what she could see. He felt like he needed to do that, for her.
He had no idea, though, what she was thinking. Does she hurt? Does she just feel sorry for me? Does she wish I'd move on? Does she wish we could go back and do it all over? He clenched his jaw, then breathed out slowly. When he opened his eyes, he got up, walked across the stage and down the steps. He put his guitar in the case and picked it up, along with his messenger bag, and left the room.
I need to stop doing this.
There were always women hanging around after a show. Truthfully, they were closer to girls than women, but it didn't much matter to Deacon. As long as they were blonde or brunette, didn't have blue eyes or freckles, and didn't sing, he was fine. It wasn't an every night thing, but some nights, at the end of an after party, he'd find the prettiest one to leave with. He always tried to make sure Rayna saw that, so she knew he wasn't just sitting in his hotel room, pining for her.
Sometimes it was a problem that he wouldn't go to a bar, but he'd made that his rule, for the time being. He still felt too new at this sober thing to trust himself in a bar. An all-night diner worked. He was usually hungry after a show anyway. For food and for company. And although it wasn't quite the same as being with Rayna, it helped to be able to touch someone and feel her skin on his own and feel that release he'd gone without for so long.
They were always eager and they always seemed to understand that sex was part of the deal. Hell, they seemed to want it even more than he did. The sex was always a little rough, because that's what it took to wipe Rayna's face out of his mind. Sort of. He never allowed them to stay, though. That made it feel like there would be a next time and he knew there would not. No need to give anyone false hope.
The fact that he felt a little empty afterwards and it was never truly satisfying didn't stop him. It was time and, he thought, if he did this enough surely one day he could forget and move on.
~nashville~
Rayna stood talking with one of the local country station executives at the after party following the first Houston show. She didn't mind doing these, because she knew the better they went the more times her latest record would be in rotation on the local stations. She'd worked hard for her success and she never took it for granted. Her band members normally came as well, but the only one who really was in demand was Deacon. He hated after parties and he hated small talk, but his stature as one of the premiere guitar players in country music meant that he had some cache.
She would often find herself watching him as he made his way around the room. He always had a bottled water in his hand these days, but she could still remember when that wasn't the case. Over the years she had perfected her ability to chat up people at an after party and keep an eye on Deacon at the same time. She hadn't always been able to keep him close to her, so she watched him as he'd hang out at the bar. When she thought he'd had enough, she'd carefully excuse herself and walk over to him. It usually only took a look or a word from her and he'd walk out with her.
These days, of course, she didn't have to do that. For one thing, he wasn't standing by the bar, and for another, he wasn't her responsibility anymore. But what she did see was him pick up women. Not every night, but many nights. It was always a pretty girl and she'd watch him smile at her. Then there would be some conversation and he'd ask someone to bring her a drink. Many times they'd wander over to one of the more out-of-the-way seating areas and talk. They would sit close together, their heads close. She would laugh, he would laugh. She would touch his arm or hand or maybe even lay her hand on his leg. That was usually the cue for him to take her hand, pull her up, and then lead her out, his hand on the small of her back. He never looked back.
Rayna would have to push down the sadness, the envy, the hurt, and focus on the person she was still talking to. She would try to stop seeing Deacon walking out of the party with another woman, but it was as though it was permanently etched in her memory. She hated the way it made her feel vaguely queasy and like she wanted to cry. She hated that it made her feel a little like he was cheating on her, when she'd been the one to push him away.
These days, she would try to wrap up the small talk, then go to Bucky and tell him she was done for the night. Having Maddie on tour with her gave her a reason to leave a little earlier than she might have. She'd go back to her room and, with a sad smile, thank Mia and let her go to her room. Then she would walk over to the bed where her daughter was sleeping and gently sit next to her.
The door to the bathroom would be partially closed to allow the small amount of light Maddie insisted on so she could sleep. Rayna would look down at her sleeping daughter, her small chest rising and falling gently, her tiny face smoothed out and her lips lightly parted. She would run her hand over Maddie's dark brown hair, so like Deacon's, and then barely touch her skin as she'd run a finger over Maddie's arm.
Her heart would hurt as she sat and watched Deacon's daughter sleeping. She often closed her eyes tightly, willing back the tears. She'd made a good decision – the right decision – for her daughter. It was more than just the fact that Deacon was still a mess back when she found out she was pregnant. It was also that she wanted her daughter to have a normal life. And, even if Deacon had been able to do it then, their life certainly wouldn't be what anyone would call normal. Even though Maddie went out on the road with her, her life away from that was filled with playgrounds and playing in the park and dinner at home with Mama and Daddy. As Maddie got older, she would go to school and have playdates with friends and do homework and learn to ride a bike. She would learn to skate and go bowling and go to birthday parties. All the things normal children did. And that, more than anything, was what Rayna wanted for Maddie. That was what Teddy could give her, could give them, that Deacon never could.
But she still looked at Maddie and thought about the fact that to her daughter Deacon was just her Uncle Deacon. Rayna had believed, back when she'd decided to invite Deacon back into her band, that she could give the two of them a relationship with each other, in spite of the fact that they wouldn't know they were father and daughter. She knew in her heart that this was the time when, if she were going to tell Deacon the truth she should do it. Maddie was still young and could adjust. It would be hard at first, but before long she'd forget her other daddy and Deacon would be Daddy.
She wasn't going to do it though. Mainly because she didn't want to hurt Teddy and she didn't know how to do it without hurting Teddy. But Teddy hadn't been just a good father to Maddie, he'd been a good husband to her. He loved her – much more than she loved him, she acknowledged – and he took such good care of her. He was kind and loving and attentive and she had grown to love him in return. Not the same way she'd loved Deacon, but it was a good, strong love. And she owed him.
She just wished it didn't hurt so much to leave Deacon behind.
It was a warm early September night in Houston. Even at eleven at night, it was hot and sticky. Rayna felt restless after the show, though. She was doing two nights in Houston so there was no after party the second night. She'd gone back to her suite and looked in on Maddie, but she herself wasn't ready for bed. She made her way back out of her room and down to the outdoor pool level. There was a large deck area with a great view of downtown. She walked out to the railing and leaned on it, clasping her hands in front of her.
"Hey." His voice startled her and she stood up and turned towards him. She hadn't seen him standing there when she walked out and realized he'd been in a shadowed area. He walked closer to her, then leaned on the railing ten feet from her.
She ran her tongue over her lips. "Hey," she answered. "I didn't see you there. I thought you must have, you know, had a…date or something."
He looked over at her with an amused smile on his face. "A date?"
She went back to leaning on the rail herself. She laughed a little. "Well, I do see you leave sometimes with a…lady friend," she said.
"You do?" he asked, sounding a little intrigued.
She bit her bottom lip. She wished she hadn't said that. It made it seem like she watched him. Which I do. "Oh, you know, just every now and then I've seen you. No big deal." She looked over at him and he turned away, looking out in front of him.
The silence between them stretched out and felt awkward. He finally looked back at her. "You happy, Ray?" he asked quietly. "I mean, really happy? Like you got what you wanted happy?"
She frowned a little. "What do you mean?"
He took a deep breath. "I mean, I know you wanted this…nice life. A family, a house, the white picket fence. Is that what you got?"
He didn't seem angry, more curious. She shrugged. "I guess," she said. She looked down at her hands for a moment, then back at him. "Yeah, Deacon, I am happy," she said, a little more firmly. "I needed life to be not so…tumultuous, all the time. And I got that. Teddy's been a real steady part of my life and that's been good."
He was quiet again. She could see him considering that, working his lip. "I never meant to cause you pain, Rayna," he said finally.
She caught her breath. "I know," she said softly. She moved a little closer to him and he looked at her intently. "I'm glad we can still do this together. I think it shows we can be, you know, friends making music together. I mean, I care about you, Deacon. You're family. You'll always be family. To me." She breathed in. "I couldn't have done any of this without you. And I'm glad I don't have to now."
He looked down for a moment, then back at her. "I wish we coulda figured it out before," he said, a hint of sadness in his voice.
She bit her lip and looked away. She felt like a weight was on her chest, keeping her from breathing. All those feelings she'd been pushing down were overwhelming her. "I know," she whispered. She cleared her throat. "Are you…happy, Deacon? Now?"
He shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "I don't know," he said. "I mean, I got sober and I finally seem to get it right, but…." He shook his head again. "It ain't the same. Nothing's the same. Nothing's what I thought it would be."
She lowered her eyes and bit her lip. She knew her not being available was what he meant, but she didn't know what to do about that. "I'm proud of you, though," she said. "I hope you keep working at it. Anyway. It's worth it, I think."
He nodded. "Yeah. It is." He rubbed his hands together. "I know you got the life you wanted, Ray. I'm glad you got what you wanted." When he looked at her, his eyes were filled with all the pain and disappointment and regret he was feeling. Her heart hurt over it. "I gotta move on too, I guess. That's what that's all about."
She wanted to cry, but she forced herself to breathe deeply. "I know." She tried to smile. "It's better this way, I think."
He just looked at her. "Right."
She took a step closer to him and reached out, laying her hand on his arm and squeezing it gently. She felt almost an electric current race through her as she did that. "I need to get back to Maddie," she said. Then she smiled. "I'm glad you're back, Deacon. I'm glad we're working together again. Thank you for that." He just nodded and she turned away from him and headed back into the hotel.
~nashville~
Deacon stood there and watched Rayna leave and his heart felt heavy. He was pretty sure he'd never stop loving her. He was also pretty sure she'd always feel the same. But there was too much water under their bridge now to go back.
He'd had mixed feelings about the fact that she noticed him with other women. Even though he'd made sure she did, hearing her acknowledge it was different. Listening to her tell him she was happy and that she had the life she wanted, with Teddy, still hurt. It wasn't like she hadn't said that before, more than once. He could hear Cole's words in his head. She needed to let you go, Deacon. You need to let her go too. You gotta learn to be strong on your own and you can't do that unless you let her go. It's for the best, for both of you. You know that. She knows that. It may not be what you want, but it's what you both need.
He hated that it was that way. He had thought they'd always be together, that she would always be there waiting for him. Even the fifth time at rehab, after she'd moved out, somehow he thought she'd come back. But Cole was right and it wasn't going to happen. At least not now. He sighed and looked back out towards downtown, tears clouding his vision.
This ain't the way it was supposed to be, Ray. You and me, we were meant to be together. But I gotta move on, I guess. This is what you want and I can do it for you.
He finally pushed back from the railing and turned to walk back into the hotel. He surely did want a drink, but he knew better now. He had to stay strong, he had to stay the course. He knew he needed to start thinking about really moving on with his life. Accepting the fact that there wasn't a future for them, for now. Maybe never. But he still wanted to be that man she knew he could be. The man he wanted to be for her.