Rayna put on her coat and gloves, then wrapped a scarf around her neck and added a cap. She turned to Maddie, who was uncharacteristically quiet, sitting on the bed. This would be the last tour her older daughter would go on with her, at least during the school year. She would start kindergarten in the fall and would stay in Nashville with Teddy. There was still discussion around whether Daphne would as well. She would miss having both her girls with her all the time, but she did acknowledge it was not easy, especially now that Maddie was more independent.
She sat down on the hotel bed next to her daughter and Maddie looked up at her expectantly. "Are you ready to head to the next city, sweet girl?" she asked, with a smile.
Maddie nodded. "Where are we going now?" she asked, scrunching up her face.
Poor girl. Rayna grinned. "Boston."
"On the bus?" Rayna nodded. "Can Deacon ride with us?"
Rayna caught her breath. Maddie had become very attached to Deacon over the years. Probably because he was around all the time. When they were at home, she would chatter on and on about Deacon to Teddy, and she could see Teddy's irritation. Although he seemed to have backed off his latent jealousy of Deacon, when it came to Maddie, it would create tension between them. But she forced the smile to stay on her face. "We'll have to ask him," she said. "He might be busy." She knew he would not be, that, as always, he'd jump at the chance to ride on the bus with them instead of the band.
"Well, let's ask him then," Maddie demanded, hopping off the bed. She walked over to where Rayna's phone was on the table next to her purse and picked it up, then brought it over to her mother. She held the phone out. "Call him."
Rayna hid a smile at her bossy daughter. She recognized Deacon's stubbornness and intense focus in Maddie. She was glad the two of them were spending so much time together. There were still days when she would experience a fleeting regret at how things had gone, back when she'd found out she was pregnant. She supposed that would always be the case. But she was doing the best she could and she reminded herself often that at least Maddie had a relationship with Deacon, even if she didn't know he was her biological father.
She took the phone from Maddie and pulled up Deacon's number. She had made him get a mobile phone the first year he was back touring with her. It was too hard getting in touch with him when she needed to otherwise. "Hey," she said, when he answered. "Maddie wants to know if you want to ride on the bus with us to Boston."
"Of course," he said. "Should I bring my guitar?"
Rayna smiled. "You know you have to. She'd be so disappointed if she couldn't sing with you." She laughed as she watched Maddie jump up and down and clap her hands. "I hope that's okay."
"You know I love your girls, Ray. I'm just glad to have such a big fan."
We're all your fans. "Thanks. We'll be down in a few minutes, so we'll see you then."
She disconnected and sat for a moment, looking at her phone thoughtfully. There had been a subtle shift in their relationship over the past few months, really since Daphne was born. Taking care of two instead of one was definitely more challenging. Coupled with a big-time arena tour, she barely had time to think straight, much less obsess over Deacon. And he had Taylor, although she wasn't sure how that relationship was going. Taylor didn't come out on the road with Deacon anymore and seemed to be avoiding her. She had mixed feelings about that. She had to admit it was hard to completely let go of all those old, unresolved feelings she had for him. She suspected it was true for him as well. She could see in his eyes a certain sadness, regret, disappointment, that never completely went away.
"Mama," Maddie whined, pulling her out of her thoughts, and she looked up at her daughter. Maddie had an annoyed look on her face. "Let's go, Mama. Deacon's waiting for me."
She laughed at Maddie's confidence. "Well, you're probably right about that," she said, standing up and walking over to drop her phone in her purse. She turned back to Maddie. "Where's your coat?"
~nashville~
Deacon knew Taylor would be at work, but he wanted to check in with her. When he hung up with Rayna, he scrolled down to her contact information and pressed call.
She picked up on the second ring. "Hey."
"Hey." He walked over to the window in his room and looked out. "We're getting ready to head to Boston. Just wanted to call."
"Thanks." She paused. "How's it going?"
"Good. Sold out every night. Enthusiastic crowds. Just what we like." He bit his lip. "You sure you don't wanna come up for the Albany show?"
He heard her gentle sigh. "I can't," she said. "But you'll be home soon, right?"
He looked down at his feet. "Three weeks."
"Well, so, we can hole up for a few days. I'll take a couple days off and we can get, uh, reacquainted. You know, it's just not a lot of time for us when you've got shows and rehearsals and all that."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know." He knew it wasn't that. He breathed out. "Well, I need to get down to the bus."
"Thanks for calling. I…I miss you," she said softly.
"I miss you too. I'll call tomorrow sometime."
"Okay, sounds good." As he disconnected, he couldn't help but feel a sadness in his gut. It felt like every time he was gone from Nashville, he and Taylor grew further apart. When he was in town on tour breaks, they would reconnect and recapture some of that closeness, but each time it seemed like it took more effort to get back to their normal. She never talked about Rayna or about what had happened in Dallas. While they had averted a break up then, he couldn't help but wonder if they were still inevitably headed in that direction.
He slid his phone into his pocket and then ran his hand over his mouth. After a moment, he picked up his messenger bag and slipped it over his neck. Then he reached for his guitar case and headed out the door. As he walked to the elevator, he thought about how easy and simple his relationship with Taylor had been at first. But that was before she really knew much about Rayna and certainly before she'd met her.
He knew he wasn't completely over Rayna, maybe never would be completely. He wanted to be, felt like he needed to be. If he were honest, it probably didn't help to be her bandleader. Coleman had definitely been right about that part. Being around her all the time kept him from being able to put it completely aside, as much as he tried. Sometimes he would see something in her eyes that made him think she still had feelings for him, but it would be gone almost as quickly as it came, and he wasn't so sure.
It probably was because she'd made the decision. She was the one who broke up with him, she was the one who embarked on a new relationship. She was the one who decided to get married and have a family. All to put distance between them. I can't do this anymore, Deacon. I can't put myself through one more night of not knowing where you are or not knowing if you're even still alive. I love you – God help me, I love you – but you're ripping me apart. I can't live like this one more day. Not even one more hour. I'm killing myself trying to take care of you and it's time you figured it out for yourself. We're done. For good.
He got to the elevator and pressed the down button. He breathed in, feeling a heaviness in his chest. It had been all his fault. He had pushed her to the brink too many times. He'd made promises he couldn't keep. He'd disappointed her too many times. He figured he should just be grateful she let him back into her band, that she wanted to write songs with him again, that she let him be around her girls. They were friends now. Maybe that just had to be enough.
The elevator door opened and as he stepped inside, he hesitated just one second. Standing there was Rayna, holding Maddie's hand. As she looked into his eyes, she looked just a little surprised, and then she slowly smiled. Feeling his heart beat a little faster, he smiled back and stepped in.
~nashville~
She'd gotten used to him riding on the bus with them. He still slept on the band bus, when they traveled overnight, but he more often than not rode on her bus during the day. It was a chance for them to write but also for them to just talk. Not that they talked a lot, considering that Maddie monopolized his time. He was a good sport about it, playing whatever song she liked, and letting her sing along with him. Even Daphne seemed enchanted by him, laughing and smiling whenever he sang.
They were riding from Little Rock back to Nashville for a two week break and Rayna had sat at the end of the bench seat, watching Maddie and Deacon. Maddie stood next to him and sang along to the nursery rhymes she'd taught him. She felt tears in her eyes as she listened to Maddie's childish voice with Deacon's more professional voice singing quiet harmony behind her.
Mia walked up to the pack-n-play and looked down at Daphne. "She's asleep", she whispered to Rayna.
Rayna nodded and then looked at Maddie. "Maddie, honey, it's time for your nap," she said.
Maddie screwed up her face. "I don't want to take a nap," she said, her bottom lip stuck out. "I wanna stay with Deacon." Deacon looked at Rayna with an apologetic smile and shrugged.
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Maddie," she said firmly. She hid a smile as Maddie scowled darkly, but then stalked back towards Mia, who was holding a sleeping Daphne. Rayna reached out for her, but she shrugged away, still scowling, and avoided Rayna's attempt to pull her in for a hug. She watched Maddie follow Mia to the back of the bus. When the door shut behind them, she turned back to Deacon with a smile. "That girl does not like to take a nap," she said.
He grinned. "She's a stubborn one, that's for sure," he said. Then he winked. "Not unlike someone else I know."
She picked up a pillow and threw it at him. "I am not stubborn," she said.
He gave her a sideways look. "Oh, right, what's it called? A diva dip?" he teased.
She made a face. "Shut up." She laid her arm on the back of the bench seat and drummed her fingers lightly. "Wanna write?"
He shrugged. "Sure." He glanced out the window. "We're almost to Memphis though. Do we have enough time?"
"We've been known to write a song in thirty minutes," she said.
He bit down on his bottom lip. "Yeah, I guess." He looked at her. "Usually we had some particular motivation though."
She blushed just a little and looked away. "Well, we don't have that now, so it may take a little longer."
He took a beat. "Did you have something in mind?" he asked, moving off that topic.
She looked thoughtful. "Didn't you start off playing dive bars around Memphis?"
His eyes twinkled a little as he thought about that, a quiet smile crossing his face. "Yeah, I did. When I was seventeen. Me and Beverly, actually. We were too scared to go to Nashville, back then. And we'd always liked going to Memphis when we were kids."
Rayna frowned. "You went as a child?" She didn't know that. But then there was a lot she didn't think she knew from Deacon's younger years. He'd talked to her more about his father, once he'd gone through rehab and understood more why that relationship had driven him to drink. But he'd stayed close to the vest about much more than that, when it came to his family.
Deacon nodded. "Yeah. My mama used to take us, once a year, and we'd spend one night at the Peabody Hotel. It was a big deal. It was one day a year where everything was good. Almost normal." His voice trailed off and he looked away.
Rayna felt a pang in her heart. She suspected Deacon's childhood had been awful, but she'd never heard about this one special memory. "What did you do when you were in Memphis?" she asked gently.
Deacon breathed in and looked at her, pain etched in his eyes. "Nothing much. Mama would take us for ice cream and we'd go get bar-b-que somewhere." He smiled sadly. "And we'd watch the duck parade. And then we'd go home. So when Beverly and I decided to start singing, that's where we went."
"But you came to Nashville when you were seventeen, right?" She was sure that's what he'd told her, so he couldn't have been in Memphis long.
"I was almost eighteen. Maybe two weeks shy."
"Because Beverly married Doug."
He nodded. "Yeah." He sat for a moment, thinking, and then he looked at her. "I really wanted to come to Nashville and play on the Opry stage," he said. "That was my plan. Beverly, well, her and me were supposed to do it together, but she got scared, really. She said it was to get married, but I think it really was because she was scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Failing."
Rayna sat back against the bench seat. "She was really good though. That's what I remember, when I went to Natchez with you to see Scarlett."
Deacon nodded. "She was. I went back to try and talk her outta quitting, but she was stubborn. Wanted to get married and have kids." He finally put his guitar down, which he'd been holding across his legs, and rubbed his face. "I almost didn't leave either, but nothing had changed, back there, and I couldn't see staying there." He looked at her. "That's when I went to Nashville. Didn't even go back to Memphis." He chuckled. "I had that '69 Tempest. Remember that?"
She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Oh, boy, do I ever. I wondered every single time you started that car if it was gonna just up and die." She looked at him. "It did, finally, didn't it?"
He laughed. "Yeah, it did. It really was a piece of crap."
She gave him a teasing look. "Well, it was older than me." She raised her eyebrows then. "That's what we can write about," she said.
He looked puzzled. "My piece of crap car?"
She shook her head and smiled. "No. Leaving Memphis. Going to Nashville, in a '69 Tempest. Wanting to sing at the Opry."
He picked his guitar back up. "I like it. Let's get to work."
As they pulled into the Sound Check parking lot, they were playing the song one more time through, for their small audience of Maddie, Daphne, and Mia. Although it was primarily Deacon's story, they'd written it as a song for Rayna to sing. Each time they went through it, they liked it more and more. The final run through on the bus had felt perfect.
I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / I'm really breaking away this time / A full tank of gas and a '69 Tempest / Taking me to that Nashville sign
No turning back, I've come too far / I'm headed down 40 with my old guitar / This ain't Graceland that's a fact / And I ain't driving a pink Cadillac
I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / Gonna bronze these blue suede shoes / These cowboy boots are gettin' kinda restless / They ain't gotta single thing to lose
I've had this dream from a tender age / Calling my name from the Opry stage / I can hear it sing loud and clear / 200 miles and I'll be there
I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / I'm really breaking away this time / A full tank of gas and a '69 Tempest / Taking me to that Nashville sign
~nashville~
Rayna wanted the summer off to spend with Maddie. Maddie would be starting kindergarten at the end of the summer and wouldn't be coming out on tour with Rayna as regularly. Summer was prime touring season, but she was at the pinnacle of her success, so she could afford to take some time off. Deacon wasn't unhappy about it, because it gave him time to work on his music as well as to shore up his relationship with Taylor.
When they headed back out on the road, though, just after Maddie started school, he was ready. Even though she had been happy to have him home, after two and a half months, Taylor was ready for him to get out from underfoot. And truthfully, he was bored. Taylor was at work every day and there were only so many songs to write and venues to play in around town. He liked the touring life and he was more than ready to get back to it.
He stacked his duffels at the front door, along with his guitars. He walked into the kitchen, where Taylor was pouring herself a mug of coffee. Her purse and briefcase were laying on the counter. She turned when he walked in. "Do you want coffee?" she asked, holding out the mug.
He nodded. "Yeah. Sounds good." She continued to hold the mug out, but he waved her off. "Nah, that's yours. I can get mine."
"Oh. Okay," she said, turning away.
He walked over to the coffee maker and reached for a travel mug in the cabinet above it. He thought he probably should have taken the mug she offered. It probably seemed like he was being rude. He poured his coffee, then went over to where Taylor was standing at the counter by her purse, looking at her planner. He stood next to her, setting his travel mug on the counter and kissing her on the cheek. "Busy day?" he asked.
She closed the planner and then turned to face him. "Yeah," she said. "But that's probably a good thing. I won't have as much time to think about the fact that you're gone." She ran her hand along his arm. "I'll miss you. Like always."
"I'll call you."
She nodded, but her eyes had a sadness about them. "I know." She sighed. "It's hard though."
He set his mug down and put his arms around her, pulling her close. He didn't say anything, just held on to her and felt her arms wrap around his waist. He'd stopped asking her to come visit him. The answer was always no. After a moment, he pulled back and kissed her on the forehead. "I guess I need to go," he said.
She looked at him and nodded, then pulled him back to her and kissed him. When they finally let each other go, she smiled. "Have a good trip," she said.
He smiled back. "I will," he said. Then he picked up his travel mug and walked out. He moved everything out to the porch and then made two trips to get everything in his truck. Once he had his truck packed, he started it up and headed for Sound Check.
He was halfway there when he realized it hadn't been as hard to leave this time as it had in the past.
~nashville~
She'd stayed up later than normal at the after party, then, when she got back to the suite, Daphne was cutting a tooth and cranky. She felt bad that Mia had had to deal with her all night and she'd sent the babysitter to her own room and held her youngest until she finally fell asleep. She was surprised Maddie hadn't woken up, until she found her older daughter lying in her bed. It was fall break and Maddie had begged to come out on the road with her. She'd smiled to herself and fallen into the bed next to her. She was afraid she'd have a hard time falling asleep, but within minutes she was dead to the world.
Maddie was the one who woke her up the next morning, standing next to the bed, holding her vibrating phone. "Mama," she said, sounding annoyed. "You need to answer this."
Rayna forced her eyes open, trying to focus on her daughter's pouty face. She made a face and took the phone from Maddie's outstretched hand. Maddie turned and flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Rayna winced. Not only had she stayed out late at the after party, she'd had one too many champagne cocktails.
She looked at the phone. Multiple texts and missed calls. The phone rang again and she saw it was Bucky. "Hey, Buck," she said, as she answered.
"Rayna. I'm surprised you're not watching the CMA nominations."
She frowned. "That's today?"
He laughed. "Yeah, it's today. You got nominated for three."
She sat up. Her head was pounding and she rubbed her temple with her free hand. "Really?"
"Female Vocalist of the Year, Song of the Year, and Record of the Year."
She took a deep breath. "Which song?"
"'The Rivers Between Us'."
So she and Deacon were nominated together. "Wow, Buck, that's amazing," she said. "I'm just blown away."
"Actually you don't sound all that excited, Rayna," he said, a bit teasingly.
She smiled. "Well, you should have stopped me after that second champagne cocktail. I'll be fine. Have you talked to Deacon?"
"I wanted to talk to you first. But I'm sure he knows about it."
"Well, thank you for calling me, Bucky. I'll see you at sound check." She disconnected and looked at her phone. She scrolled down and hit Deacon's name, then fell back on her pillow, covering her eyes.
"Hey, Ray," he said when he answered. "Congrats on your nominations."
She smiled. "And our nomination."
"Yeah."
She looked over at the clock beside the bed. It was just a little past nine. "Can you meet me for lunch?" she asked.
"Yeah. When?"
"About one? Meet me in the lobby."
"I'll see you then."
After Rayna signed the check, she looked at Deacon, still a little in shock over the Song of the Year nomination. "I still can't believe we finally have a songwriting nomination," she said.
He grinned. "Yeah, I know. Always thought we'd have one before now. But better late than never, right?"
She smiled. "True. It's such a great song too." She reached for his hand across the table. For several long minutes, they just looked into each other's eyes, as he rubbed his thumb over hers. The atmosphere around them seemed electrically charged. She suddenly realized what was happening and gently pulled her hand back. She looked down, then reached for her purse. As she slid out, she murmured, "I gotta go." She walked out without looking back at him.
~nashville~
He parked his truck, then pulled out his duffel and guitar. It was just three days off, so he'd left most of his gear on the bus. He hurried up the steps and let himself into the house. He dropped his things at the front door and looked around. The house was empty, but more than that, it seemed ominously silent. He frowned. It was after six, although it was still light out, but there were no lights on in the house. He checked in the bedroom and then the kitchen. Everything seemed in place and orderly. But he didn't see Taylor.
"Taylor?" he called out. There was no answer. He frowned again and went to look out onto the street. He saw her car so he knew she was somewhere. She knew he'd be home right about then. He walked to the back door and opened it. She was sitting on the back stoop. He sat down next to her. "Hey. What you doing out here?" he asked.
She was sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She breathed in and then she turned to look at him. "I'm leaving, Deacon," she said.
"What? Why?" he asked.
She gave him a sad smile and shook her head. "I can't do this," she said. "I can't play second fiddle to Rayna Jaymes and your unrequited love for her. It's just not fair."
He wasn't sure what to say. He rubbed his face with his hands. He really didn't know what to do. He'd tried, really tried. He'd accepted that his feelings weren't going to change, but that he'd truly lost Rayna. He wanted to move on, tried hard to move on, but maybe Taylor was right. "I don't know what to do," he said finally.
She looked away. "I know. I know you've tried. But I really can't do this. I can't be her, Deacon."
He frowned and breathed out with irritation. "I ain't asked you to," he said.
"No, you haven't." She sighed. "I thought if I stayed here, where I didn't have to see it, I could do it. That when you came home, you'd be mine. But you never really are. I mean, you're here, home, when I am, but you still see her. The two of you write together or you perform at the Opry or you just talk. You can't let her go and she can't let you go. So you can't really move on." She looked at him. "I'm not laying all the blame on you, Deacon. She's the one who's married, who has children. She's the one who needs to let you go."
He looked up and bit down on his bottom lip. Then he sighed and looked back at her. "We're just friends, Taylor," he started.
She rolled her eyes. "Don't delude yourself, Deacon," she said, with an edge to her voice. "She's no more your friend than she is mine." She shook her head. "Look, I don't want this to be an argument." Her voice softened. "But it's time for me to go. Past time, I think."
He thought she was probably right, but he didn't want that. For purely selfish reasons, he knew. As long as he had Taylor, he could act like this thing between him and Rayna was over. "But why now?" he asked.
She didn't say anything at first. When she did, she didn't look at him and her voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear. "I pretty much pretended that she didn't exist. I didn't come out on tour with you, I didn't torture myself by reading anything about her or looking at anything about her. I just tried to put that out of my head. I worked, long hours. I went out with friends. I made sure I was busy. So busy that I couldn't stop to think about any of it. I ignored the fact that you still saw her when you were both in town. I was in such denial." She took a deep breath. "But I heard about your nomination for your song." She glanced over at him. "Congratulations, by the way." Then she looked away again. "And I let my guard down and I listened to it." He could see tears on her cheeks then. "Oh, my God, Deacon, y'all just put it all out there. I'm actually surprised her husband's still around after that."
He frowned. "That ain't what it's about…."
She gave him a look. "Please. That's exactly what it's about. And if y'all wrote it thinking it wasn't, well, then you were kidding yourselves if you didn't think people knew different."
He swallowed hard and looked away. He knew she was right, at least as far as he was concerned. He'd known it when they wrote it. "Taylor, I…."
"Stop." He turned to look at her. "It's my fault," she said. "I should have known better. At least after I saw that article. And surely after I saw you with her that first time on the tour. I take the blame for letting you talk me into sticking around. And I blame myself for sticking my head in the sand ever since." She closed her eyes for a moment, the tears still coming. Then she opened them and rubbed away the tears. "I wanted this to work. I really thought we had something, but I don't think you're ready for a real relationship. I hope you are someday because you deserve to be happy, Deacon. You deserve to have what she has, a family and a home. Someone to love you and make you happy." She pushed herself up then. "It's just not going to be me."
He stood up then, feeling incredibly sad. He felt tears in his own eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.
She nodded. "I know." She tried to smile. "I don't hate you, Deacon. I feel sad for you. I just can't do this to myself anymore." Then she turned and walked into the house.
He didn't follow her, let her do whatever she was going to do. He sat back down on the stoop, leaning forward with his head in his hands. After a few minutes he heard a car start and drive off and he assumed it was her. The tears in his eyes slid down his face. He knew the truth of what she'd said, but it didn't make it any easier.