He was awake as soon as the sun started shining through the blinds on his window. It was the first day of rehearsal for Rayna's Outlaws and Angels tour. Bucky had messengered over three new songs, one of which was a song Rayna had written and two others she'd obtained from other songwriters. He assumed these were all songs she would be considering for her next album. It would be good to try them out and see what the audience reaction was.
He'd spent the few days he'd had back in Nashville working on the arrangements. He'd struggled some with the song she'd written. He wondered if it had something to do with him or if it was just a song. He remembered back when they first started writing together. Watty had told him her lyrics were immature and lacked substance. He wasn't sure, once he'd seen what she'd written, if he completely agreed, but he could see Rayna had very little real life experience.
"So, you been in love before?" he asked her, holding one of the pages with her lyrics.
Her eyes flitted away and she blushed just a little. "I've had a crush."
"Well, but that ain't what you wrote about. You wrote about some great love story. You ever really been in love?"
She had fumed. "Who says I can't write about love, just because I haven't been in love?" she demanded.
She was fiery and spunky for a sixteen year old. He liked that she didn't put on airs, considering she'd grown up in Belle Meade and went to a private school and had Sunday lunch at the country club after church every week. In fact, he'd fallen in love with her the minute he'd laid eyes on her, but he hadn't told her that. He knew he wasn't good enough for someone as perfect as Rayna Wyatt. He could write a love song. In fact, he'd written three just since he'd met her. About her. But whether she'd ever been in love or not, her words didn't quite ring true. "You should write about what you know," he said. "The best songs are about the stuff you know."
She frowned at him. "Says you? The master songwriter? At nineteen? I bet you've never been in love either, have you?" She stood in front of him with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised in a challenge.
He grinned. "Oh, I been in love," he said. "But we ain't talking about me. You could always write about being homecoming queen or something."
She looked a little shocked at what he'd said. Then she breathed out, looking a little deflated. "Nobody would ever vote for me for homecoming queen," she said softly. "All they do is make fun of me for loving country music."
That surprised him. She was a pretty girl, with both sass and sweetness about her. She loved to laugh and she had the prettiest smile he'd ever seen. He hated to see the sadness that crossed her face. "Well, I ain't sure I believe all that, but if that's true, write about that. Write about not being the one picked."
The song he'd helped her with that day had turned into 'Cumberland Girl'. It had always been one of her favorites. She'd put it on her first album and it was the B side to her first hit. They still performed it, a sweet ballad about the girls who weren't picked and watched from the sidelines. Of course, as he got to know her, he learned that what she'd said was true, but it was also true that it hadn't affected her sweet, kind soul. It was one of the many reasons he loved her.
Her songwriting had improved immensely over the years. He thought she didn't give herself enough credit for how good she had become. This song, the new one, showed how far she'd come. It was nuanced and real, telling a great story. And whether it was her story or just a story that came from her experience, she'd nailed it.
He sat up on the side of the bed and rubbed his face, breathing in deeply. This would be the first time he'd seen Rayna since the day she'd come by after the CMA's. The day she'd told him they needed to figure out how to be friends and stay on their own side of the boundaries. He'd thought about her often, during that time, too often. Even Annabelle hadn't been able to keep those old ghosts away completely.
So now it was time to face them again.
~nashville~
She was lying in bed with her eyes closed. She concentrated on the feel of the sheets, soft as angel's breath. They smelled like they'd been hung out to dry in the warm sun. The bed itself was like a dream, comfortable and lush. The pillows were down filled and the pillowcases were cool against her skin. She felt the bed sag as he got in it. She smiled to herself as she felt his hand brush hers and then move to her waist. She could feel his warm body press against hers.
She opened her eyes. It was dark, with just the moonlight forming a halo around him. She could see his smile, though, and the laughter in his eyes. His hand moved up to her cheek and she could feel his breath against her face as he leaned down closer. "How long's it been?" he whispered.
She moved her leg along his calf and slid her hand up his side, hooking it over the back of his arm and she shivered with anticipation as she felt his skin against hers. He was hard against her thigh and she moaned deep in her throat. "Too long," she whispered back as his lips captured hers. Her heart started beating faster as he moved over her, preparing to make love to her.
She frowned, then, as she heard her name coming from behind him. He stopped what he was doing as they both shifted their eyes behind him.
"Rayna." She forced her eyes open at the sound and saw Teddy, standing at the end of the bed, holding Daphne in her little pink pajamas with the white kittens on them. She just stared at the two of them, trying to get her bearings. Teddy smiled. "That must have been some dream you were having," he said.
Her breath caught in her throat and she looked away for a second. "What time is it?" she murmured.
"Almost nine. And I need to get to work and get Maddie to school. Mia's running a little late."
She shook her head to get rid of the images in her head, of the dream she'd been having. She pushed herself up against the pillows. "I'm sorry," she said, still having a hard time looking him in the eye. "I don't know why I was so tired."
"Mama!" Daphne cried, her little hands grasping for Rayna.
Rayna smiled at her daughter and reached out for her, pulling her into her lap and kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I'll get up."
Teddy smiled, shaking his head. "No problem." He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you tonight."
She looked up at him then and gave him a tiny smile. "Have a good day." He turned to walk out of the room and she called out to him. "Teddy!" He turned. "I've got rehearsal today," she said. "First day back."
There was no expression on his face as he nodded. "Right," he said. "So I'll see you when I see you, I guess."
She shrugged. "I guess." She bit her lip lightly. "I love you."
He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I love you too." Then he turned and walked out.
She sat on the bed for a few minutes, while Daphne sat patting her hands together. Then she looked up at her mother and Rayna looked down at her. She took a deep breath and then put a beaming smile on her face. "We need to get up, baby girl, so mama can get back to work." She pushed back the covers and then swung her legs out of the bed. She got up and headed for the kitchen as Daphne babbled happily in her arms.
She was conscious of the warmth that was still in her core. The tingle that had started with the dream she'd been having about Deacon Claybourne. What the hell was that about?
~nashville~
When he got to the rehearsal hall, Rayna wasn't there yet. Bucky was sitting at the table and he looked up when he heard Deacon's footsteps. "Hey, Deacon," he said with a smile.
Deacon walked up to the table and took off his messenger bag, laying it on the table. "Where's Rayna?" he asked as he walked over to set his guitar on the edge of the stage. He came back and took the seat opposite Rayna's manager, opening up his bag and pulling out sheet music.
Bucky shrugged. "Running late," he said. "She called and said she'd overslept and it messed up her schedule. But she's on her way." Deacon nodded but said nothing. "So I heard you went on the road with Sixwire."
Deacon nodded. "Yeah. Steve broke his wrist and they were committed to a southwest tour, so he asked if I'd fill in." He gave Bucky a quick smile. "It felt good to do that kind of tour again."
"I'll bet. Did you get a chance to look over the new music?"
"I did." He slid the papers he had over to Bucky. "Worked up all the arrangements. Are we testing these for the next album?"
Bucky nodded. "Yeah. I think we're pretty set on them, unless we don't get good response from the audiences. But I'm sure, with your arrangements, they'll be top notch."
Just then they heard the sound of footsteps and they both looked towards the door. Rayna hurried in, looking a little distracted. She sat down in the chair next to Bucky. "Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late." She smiled at both of them, but Deacon thought she was trying to avoid his eyes. He frowned.
Bucky stood up, the music arrangements in his hand. "I'm gonna go make copies for everyone. Be back in a few." Rayna watched him walk off.
"So, how was your break?" he asked. She looked back at him, but he couldn't seem to hold her gaze.
She shrugged. "Good. Productive." She looked at him then. "I wrote a little."
He nodded. "I saw your song." He smiled encouragingly. "I liked it." He knew she lacked confidence in her songwriting, even though he'd told her many times how good she was. She just underestimated herself and her ability to write a good song.
She smiled then. "Thanks." She screwed up her face. "I heard you went out on the road with some friends?" she asked.
"Yeah, Sixwire. Remember them?"
"I do! Wow, that was ages ago, seems like. Back when we were on the state fair and dance hall circuit."
He chuckled. "Well, they're still on that, so it felt like I'd gone back in time." He breathed in. "Felt good though. Kinda getting back to the basics."
"Is Kelsey still with them?"
He shook his head. "She left and they replaced her. Her name's Annabelle." He worked his lip a moment. It felt odd talking to Rayna about Annabelle. "You know, she kinda reminds me of you, back then."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really?"
He nodded. "She's got the same drive you did. She works hard at it. I just don't think she's gotten the same breaks you did."
"Well, you and I both know there's some luck involved too. Being in the right place at the right time." She looked at him intently. "Is she good?"
He sat back and nodded. "Yeah, she is." He noticed an odd expression in her eyes for half a second and then it was gone. He thought to himself that his answer was not just about her on stage talent.
Just then Bucky walked out onto the stage, holding up a stack of paper. "Okay, everybody, I've got the new music," he said.
Rayna stood up quickly, as though she couldn't wait to get away. "I guess we should get started then," she said and hurried off, leaving him to watch her go. He sat up and rubbed his hands on his thighs, then pushed up and headed for the stage steps after her.
~nashville~
Throughout rehearsal she was extra conscious of him behind her, but she was proud of herself for maintaining her cool. She only stumbled over the words a couple times and she could explain that as it being the first rehearsal. But her heart was still racing and she felt like she was on fire and so, on the inside, she was focusing on staying in control.
The dream had messed with her equilibrium. She had certainly dreamt about Deacon since she'd been married to Teddy. She'd dreamt about him a lot, in the days and weeks and months after she found out she was pregnant and after Maddie was born. She'd cried herself to sleep every night for over a year and that often led to some kind of dream. But never a sex dream. Surprisingly, if she were honest.
She had been a virgin, of course, when she met Deacon, and he taught her everything. He'd been patient with her, and loving, although the sex was usually raw and hot and messy.
She'd gotten used to sex with Teddy. It was always slow and sweet, almost reverent, it seemed. She knew Teddy felt like he'd won the lottery with her, although she never really understood that. But, truthfully, she sometimes missed sex that was dirty and made her whimper with her need.
She'd been fidgety after Teddy left that morning and she couldn't focus on anything. And so she'd been late. When she ran into the rehearsal hall the first face she saw was Deacon's and she felt that tingle run down her chest to her core. She'd had a hard time looking at him and was glad to start rehearsal, so she could look out over the stage instead of at him, sitting across from her.
She'd seen something on his face when he'd mentioned the girl singer. Annabelle. You know, she kinda reminds me of you, back then. She was positive he'd meant Annabelle reminded him of everything about her. And although she shouldn't have felt disappointed about that, she did.
"Deacon, can I talk to you for a minute?" she called out as he walked towards the door.
He stopped and turned back to face her. "Of course," he said.
She walked down the steps and over towards him, just standing there for a few minutes, watching everyone else leave. When they were the only two in the room, she turned to look at him. "Can we sit?" she asked, and nodded towards the table.
He nodded and walked over, sitting down. He waited until she'd sat down across from him. "What's up?" he asked.
She made a face, looked away for a second, then back at him. "I think it was good we took some time," she started. She fidgeted with her hands, looking down, then back up. "I feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now. I hope you are too."
He took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows. Then he nodded. "Yeah," he said.
"Can we do this?" she asked. "Because I want to, but I need us both to want that."
He sat up, leaning on the table, his hands clasped in front of him. "Be friends, you mean?" She nodded. "Yeah, we can do that."
She gave him a little smile. "You're still family, Deacon. I still care about you. I still need you. For this." She waved her arm back towards the stage. "You've always been part of that. And I still want you to be."
He nodded. "I know." He sighed. "It's hard sometimes, you know, 'cause there's just a lot of water under that bridge. But, yeah, we can do it."
She smiled again. "Good." She put her hands on the table. "I've gotta get home, to my girls. But I'll see you tomorrow?" He nodded and she stood up. She hesitated and then she said, "Thanks."
He looked up at her. "Yeah," he said.
She took a beat and then she walked towards the door, gathering up her purse as she did, not turning back. She breathed in slowly. I can do this. We can do this.
~nashville~
Deacon put his gear in the truck for the drive over to Sound Check. They'd had a week off so that Rayna could be home for Maddie's birthday. He had to smile when he thought of Rayna's little girl. He actually kind of missed her being on tour with them, now that she was old enough for school. He'd never spent much time around young kids before, mainly his niece Scarlett now and again. He'd never really thought of himself as a father, either, even back when he and Rayna had been together. They'd talked about it a few times, but his life had been such a mess he didn't think he could do it.
Spending time with Rayna's girls, though, had made him wonder more often what it would be like to have kids of his own. What it might be like to have little ones depending on you. One of the things he really enjoyed about Maddie was her interest in his guitars. She'd been fascinated by them almost as soon as she could sit in his lap. He would hold the guitar in front of her and run his fingers over the strings. Especially when she was cranky, it would calm her down.
She liked to try to imitate him, but his guitars were too big for her and she struggled when she tried, which frustrated her. He smiled to himself as he picked up the little guitar case by the front door, the one that held the small toy guitar he'd bought for Rayna to give her. It looked like it was just her size and it even looked like a real guitar, not one of the plastic ones. He wished he'd be able to see her face when Rayna gave it to her, but he figured he'd see it the next time Rayna brought her out.
Rayna had told him Maddie was coming out on the first week of the tour, since it coincided with her school break. He was surprised, though, at how excited Maddie was to see him. When he drove into the parking lot, he could see Rayna standing with Teddy and the girls next to her bus. He got out of his truck and walked over to the band truck to stow his gear. He had glanced in the direction of Rayna's bus and had seen Teddy's brief glare before he turned back to her.
"Deacon!" He heard Maddie shriek his name and he looked up to see her jerk her hand out of Teddy's and come running for him. He grinned and then squatted down so she could run into his arms. She threw her arms around him and hugged his neck. "I missed you, Deacon!" she squealed.
He put his arms around her and hugged her back. He glanced quickly over towards Teddy and could see his jaw clench. "I missed you too, Maddie," he said. She took a step back and smiled happily at him. "What you been doing?"
She tilted her head to one side, as though she were thinking. "School mostly, but playing on the playground and tumbling and singing," she said.
"Singing? With your mama?" he asked.
She shook her head. "By myself!" she shouted. "Oh, and I need you to be my guitar player. I told Mama I wanted you to be my guitar player."
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Rayna talking sternly to Teddy, then he refocused his attention on Maddie. "Well, it'll be a long time before you need me," he said. "And I might be too old then."
She laughed. "You'll never be too old," she said. She leaned towards him. "Promise you'll wait for me."
He grinned. "Promise."
"Maddie!" Teddy called out. "Let's go!"
Maddie turned and looked at Teddy, then looked back at Deacon. "Can I play your guitar tonight?" she whispered. He nodded. She smiled at him, then ran over to her parents.
He stood up and walked over to the bus. He sure as hell hoped Teddy wasn't coming along.
He'd had an unexpected moment of clarity that day. He had gotten on the bus and walked to the back, putting his guitar and duffel in his space. He sat on the bed and breathed in, thinking about Teddy's expression and Rayna's reaction. That's when it had hit him, the thing he hadn't been able to see or acknowledge up to that point.
He'd been sober for six years, something he told himself over and over again that he did for her. He'd never even come close to making it this long. He'd never even made it a year before now. He still felt the same pain he'd felt back then, thinking about her disappointment, the sadness on her face and the dejection in her body language, every time he screwed up. He'd tell her he was sorry and she'd smile at him sadly and try to encourage him to do better – and he'd want to – but he couldn't make it work. When he thought about it now, he realized that the disappointment had turned to resignation, then resentment and anger. She'd lost faith in him and she'd lost trust.
He lowered his head. He'd fooled himself into believing she kept him around because she couldn't let him go, that she still harbored feelings for him that she couldn't quite get over. If that really was the case, she would have left Teddy long ago. She would never have had Daphne. She would never stand there with Teddy now and reassure him, talk him down, go home to him at every break, at the end of every tour. He realized, with the clarity of a lightning bolt striking him, that she wasn't waiting for him anymore, that he'd done such damage he'd killed that opportunity. She'd found what she was looking for. She had her family, the one she'd always wanted, and she had him, as her bandleader. And friend.
He breathed out. For all the pain that realization had caused him, it had also given him the strength to put aside the feelings he had for her and focus on what they had now. True, he still loved her – probably always would – but he understood she'd made her line in the sand long ago. He was the one who'd made things complicated and he'd resolved to stop doing that.
He tightened his grip on the little guitar case and then smiled to himself, if a little sadly. Maddie, at least, would be thrilled.
~nashville~
She walked down the hall to Maddie's bedroom. Maddie was at school and Mia had taken Daphne to the park. Maddie was in love with the color pink and her bedroom was a cacophony of shades of the color. It reminded her of her own pink bedroom. She looked around the room, feeling a little disoriented. She caught her breath, feeling a squeeze in her heart. Can I really do this? Can I really consider turning her world upside down? All our worlds, actually?
Her eyes fell on the little guitar, lying on Maddie's bed. The little guitar that had started all this. Maddie had squealed with excitement when Rayna had given it to her, Teddy looking on disapprovingly. She could feel her heart thudding as she walked over and brushed her fingers over the strings and listened to the sound. Definitely not the rich sound of one of Deacon's guitars, but Maddie didn't care. It had been an innocent gift, a gift of love from Deacon to her daughter, but Teddy had been furious.
"What is that?" Teddy asked, when she walked in the door, carrying the little guitar case. They had a ten day break before heading back out on the road.
She smiled. "It's for Maddie," she said. "A belated birthday gift. Where is she?"
"Mia's giving the girls their baths." He looked confused. "Did you get that and forget to give it to her?" maddie's sixth birthday had been over a two months ago.
She shook her head. "It's from Deacon," she said, waiting to see how he reacted.
He looked incredulous. "What? Are you serious?" He shook his head. "You're not going to give it to her."
She closed her eyes for a second. Then she looked back at him angrily. "Don't be absurd, Teddy. It's a birthday present. He knows how much she loves music and she loves trying to play his guitars. It's an innocent gift from her Uncle Deacon, who she adores."
Teddy put one hand on his hip, the other slashing the air in front of her. "He is not her uncle, Rayna. He's nothing to her. You really need to stop encouraging this…this…whatever it is. It's not healthy and I won't stand for it."
Rayna raised her eyebrows. "You won't stand for it? Are you kidding me? You're just being ridiculous, Teddy. You're making more of it than there needs to be."
He glared at her. "I forbid you to give that to her," he said.
"I don't care!" she shouted. "It's her present and I'm giving it to her."
"A present for me?" came Maddie's voice from the door. Teddy and Rayna turned to look at her. She seemed a little concerned, her face knotted up in a frown.
Rayna looked at Teddy, her eyebrows raised, daring him to say another word. She turned back to her daughter and smiled. "Yes, a present for you," she said, holding up the little guitar case. "It's a late birthday present from your Uncle Deacon, because he wasn't at your party."
Maddie had squealed with excitement. Rayna had had to help her open the little case and then she'd danced around the room, running her little fingers across the strings and singing loudly. Looking at it now, it was Maddie's prize possession. She had stomped her feet and pouted when she was told she couldn't take it to school and so it was always the first thing she ran to when she got home.
It had made her wonder, though, about the wisdom of keeping the secret of Maddie's parentage. Deacon had been sober for over six years. He was stable. She knew Teddy would be opposed and he would bring up the promise she'd made to keep that secret. But whenever she saw Maddie and Deacon together, it seemed wrong to keep them from knowing the truth. It seemed wrong to keep lying to Deacon. He was so good with her and Rayna was sure he'd be a good father, if he knew.
She had called someone she knew at Vanderbilt and asked for the name of a child psychologist, someone who could help her understand what affect it might have on Maddie to find out Teddy wasn't her biological father. When she got the name, she'd still hesitated. She still wasn't sure about upending her child's life. And even though Deacon had been sober all these years, it was still a scary proposition.
"Hey. I was hoping to be able to make an appointment with Dr. Samuels," she'd said when she called.
"Is it for your child?" the woman on the other end of the phone asked.
"Kind of. I, uh, my daughter wasn't raised with her natural father, doesn't know him as her father, and I'd like to talk to Dr. Samuels about what it might mean for her if we tell her now."
"How old is she?"
"Six. She's been raised by a very loving father, but it just seems like, I don't know, she should know." Rayna wasn't sure why she was babbling like this.
"I understand. So, Dr. Samuels has an appointment open on June fourth. Would that work?"
Rayna looked at her schedule. She'd have to hire a private jet to get her back to Nashville, but it could be done. "Yes, I can do that."
"What's your name?"
"Ray…Rachel Conrad."
"Will anyone be coming with you to the appointment?"
She shook her head. "No. Just me." She just wanted to know, first. If this would harm Maddie, she wouldn't do it, but she wanted to know. "And…all this is confidential, right?"
"Oh, of course."
She was nervous about the appointment, but it had felt a little bit like a load had been lifted from her shoulders. If the doctor told her Maddie could handle it with no ill effects, then she could broach the idea with Teddy. She was tired of the secrets and she hated lying to Deacon. But she also had to consider his history, so this was just a first step. And maybe she would do nothing at all.
Tandy brought Rayna a glass of wine and then sat on the couch next to her. She took a sip of her own and then smiled. "I'm so glad to see you," she said. "It's been a while."
Rayna looked at her strangely. "I've been on tour, Tandy."
Tandy rolled her eyes. "You're always on tour."
Rayna smiled. "Well, that's not really true."
"When do you go back out?"
"Day after tomorrow." She looked down at her lap and picked at the hem of her blouse.
"What's going on, babe?" Rayna looked up at her sister, who had a concerned look on her face.
"Nothing." She shrugged.
Tandy narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure? Because you've seemed skittish ever since you walked in here."
"That's ridiculous. I'm fine." Tandy just sat and looked at her. Rayna rolled her eyes and then looked away. She sighed. "I've been wondering, I guess, about whether Deacon should know about Maddie."
Tandy looked horrified. "What? Have you lost your mind?"
Rayna frowned. "No, of course not. I've just been thinking, is all. I mean, he's been sober for about six and a half years now. The whole thing we were worried about, back when I found out I was pregnant, is not an issue now."
Tandy shook her head. "I don't think that's how addiction works, babe." She reached out for Rayna's hand. "He'll always be an alcoholic. You don't know when something might happen and he falls off the wagon. Do you want that to be around Maddie?" Rayna bit her lip and looked away. "Sweetheart, you made a decision back then for a reason. A very good reason. To protect your daughter. Teddy has been a wonderful father and he loves her like she was his own. Why would you even want to consider blowing that up?"
Rayna felt tears well up in her eyes. "It just, I don't know, it just seems like it's not fair to Deacon."
"Sweetie, what's not fair is that you were put in this situation to start with. Because you couldn't trust him. Because he wasn't dependable. Because he could have been a danger to his own child. You gave Maddie a great life. She still has a great life. Don't do this." She frowned. "You haven't…done anything with Deacon, have you?"
Rayna rolled her eyes. "Of course not. We're just…friends. I care about him. I know I did the right thing for Maddie back then, but I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing now. Should I tell him about her? Can we really keep this secret forever?"
Tandy took a deep breath. "I don't know the answer to that. But I think we need to for as long as we can. For Maddie's sake."
Rayna propped her elbow on the back of the couch and bit down on a nail while she thought about what Tandy had said. Then she looked back at her sister. "I don't want her to be hurt. But I'm afraid if she finds out someday, she'll be furious. She'll never forgive us for what we've done."
"Then just do what you've always done. Don't say a word."
Rayna looked at her sister and considered what she'd said. Protecting Maddie was always the most important thing. She'd done all of this, was still doing all of this, for Maddie. And as she herself was moving on from all those complicated feelings for Deacon, maybe it was less important to change anything.
When she got home, she called and cancelled the appointment with the child psychologist. It was the closest she ever came to telling the truth, until Maddie discovered the truth herself.