Later, when she thought back on this time in her marriage, she realized that Teddy only ever seemed to want to have serious conversations as she was getting ready to go out on tour. As though he knew she was distracted and wouldn't pay close attention. And he was right, she didn't. It didn't really register that he didn't hold eye contact with her, that he seemed to stumble over his words a bit. She knew he had a big business deal going on, because he'd talked about it often, and when he asked her about investing some of their money – her money, really – in the deal, she'd trusted him and said yes. She never really thought about it again because, after all, he was her husband and he was smart, about many things but particularly about money, and because she knew he would never do anything to harm their family.
She had noticed he seemed more tense. He spent a lot of hours at work, which meant they'd had to have the babysitter stay longer, which cost money. He would look frazzled at times, morose at others. She would ask him about it and he would talk a little, almost hesitantly, but she, admittedly, didn't really understand all the business talk and she would let her mind drift to tour or studio details or the girls' activities. She was thinking of maybe cutting back on her touring a bit, since the girls were getting older. She didn't want to miss out on everything in their young lives and she and Teddy seemed to be in a good spot for her to do that.
When he would come home anxious or distracted, she'd wait until after the girls were in bed and give him a shoulder massage. They had a lot more sex then, because that seemed to take his mind off things. She even brought up the idea of having another baby, something that would also allow her to scale back a little, and she was surprised at his lack of enthusiasm.
Rayna pulled her hair back into a ponytail and opened up the jar of face cream. She dabbed a little on her fingers and started to work it into her skin. The water was still running in the shower, so she had a few minutes to get ready.
Teddy had been unusually out of sorts when he got home. He'd slammed his briefcase onto the kitchen island, startling Maddie, who'd been sitting there doing homework. Rayna frowned. "Teddy," she said sternly. "Was that necessary?"
He looked at her and she could see the frustration in his eyes, the faint circles that spoke to a series of restless nights. His shoulders sagged. "I'm sorry," he said, contritely. "Just a bad day." He put on a smile for Maddie. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." He walked over and kissed their oldest daughter on her forehead. "How was your day?"
Maddie smiled at him. "It was good. We went on a field trip to Cheapwood Florist."
Teddy laughed. "You mean Cheekwood Forest?"
Maddie frowned. "That's what I said," she said, an annoyed tone to her voice. She hopped off the stool and ran into the den, plopping herself on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest.
Teddy looked at Rayna. She smiled, shaking her head. "Seems everyone is touchy today," she said.
He walked over and put his arms around her. She leaned back against him and tilted her head slightly, as he kissed her neck. "I'm sorry. It's just frustrating dealing with people who don't want to make up their minds."
She reached her hand up and cupped his cheek. "Don't worry so much, babe. Everything's good." She turned in his arms and gave him a quick kiss. "Now, go spend some time with your girls while I get dinner done."
He'd seemed to have shaken off the tension and had been in a good mood since dinner. He and the girls had been laughing by the time they went to bed. She got up and walked into her closet. She took off the clothes she was wearing and opened up one of the drawers, where she kept her lingerie. She pulled out a silk nightie that fell only to the middle of her thighs. It had spaghetti straps and showed off a substantial amount of cleavage. She slid it on and looked at herself in the mirror. She removed the ponytail holder and let her hair fall in sexy waves over her shoulders. She put her fingers in her hair and lifted it slightly, giving it a tousled look. She smiled, satisfied. Then she walked into the bedroom and slipped into bed, waiting for Teddy.
When he joined her, he smiled appreciatively and leaned in to kiss her. "You look beautiful," he said.
She slid her hand up under his pajama top and ran her fingers over his chest. "I think you need a little feel good time, don't you?" she said, with a wink.
He put his hand on her thigh and moved it upwards. He smiled when he found she wasn't wearing panties. Putting his hands on her waist, he slid her down on the bed, as she giggled. She pushed at his pajama bottoms. He hovered over her as she ran her hands down his abdomen. He groaned when she touched him. "God, Rayna," he murmured, as she continued to stroke him.
She looked up into his eyes. "I need you, Teddy," she whispered. "Now."
He held her in his arms afterward and she lay with her head on his chest. "What would you think if I stayed home a little more?" she asked.
He smiled. "If it means more of this, that might be nice," he said.
She rolled onto her stomach so she could look at him. "The girls are getting older and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I thought I could cut back a little on touring."
He frowned a little, which surprised her. "What does 'a little' mean?"
She looked down at her hands, clasped together. "I don't know. Maybe just in the summer, when they're out of school?"
"That really cuts down your income, doesn't it?"
"Well, yeah. Less tour dates means less total money, although there's still income from albums and merchandise." She looked at him. "But money's not an issue, right?"
He closed his eyes. "Right."
She smiled. "I was also thinking about something else."
He opened his eyes and looked at her. "What?"
"I think this might be our last opportunity to have another baby. I know we didn't really talk about that after Daphne, but maybe we'd have a son?"
Teddy frowned and sat up. "I think our family's fine the way it is," he said, his tone a little sharp. "If you're already thinking of cutting back on touring, we don't need to add another expense." He narrowed his eyes. "Please tell me you haven't gone off birth control."
She caught her breath and then she sat up. She scowled. "No, of course not. That's why I was talking to you now." For a moment she felt like crying, but she took a deep breath and pushed aside that emotion. She looked at him passively. "Well, I guess that's that, then." She moved off the bed and went back to the closet, changing into a t-shirt and pajama pants. When she came back to bed, Teddy had turned on his side away from her and she got into bed on her side, her back to him.
The same way they'd slept together for years.
Actually, when she thought about it, he'd seemed almost angry she'd brought it up. They never talked again about having another baby. She never brought it up again either, nor did she change her touring schedule. Something seemed to change that night between the two of them, although it would be a long time before she'd understand what that was.
~nashville~
Rayna got up from the bench and walked over to the drink fridge. She opened the door and pulled out a water. She looked back at Deacon. "You want anything?" she asked. They were on their way from St. Louis to Chicago. Deacon was back to riding mostly on her bus during the day. It gave them time to work on set lists and arrangements.
He looked up from the papers that were spread all over the table in between them. "Yeah, sure. Water's good." He looked back at the paper in front of him. "I think there's two or three songs here you oughta put on hold right away, Ray. Someone's gonna snatch them up if you don't."
She slid back into the seat across from him and handed him a water. She smiled coyly. "I bet I can figure out the ones you're talking about," she said.
He smiled back at her and raised his eyebrows. "Yeah? You think I'm that predictable?" he said, teasingly.
She took a swallow of water and then pointed her finger towards him. "I know you too well, Deacon Claybourne. You are predictable. And you know just what I like."
He took a beat, knowing she didn't mean it that way. "Yeah, that's probably true," he said finally. "Which ones?"
"Well, 'Strange' and 'I Just Call You Mine', for sure. I like 'It Happens', but I'm not sure why Jennifer and Kristian would even put that one out there."
He shrugged. "Maybe they got too many songs for the next record?"
She shook her head. "Maybe. But then keep it for the next." She reached for some of the lyrics. There were a pile of demos sitting on the edge of the table, that matched up to the lyrics pages. She looked at one page and ran her tongue over her lips. He knew the one she was looking at and she knew why she was hesitant.
He reached over and pulled the lyrics sheet back over in front of him. His eyes skimmed over the words again. I bet you're in a bar / It's always the same old song / That Johnny Walker Red / By now it's almost gone / But baby, I won't be there / To catch you when you fall. He breathed in and looked over at her. "You should do it, Ray," he said softly.
She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I don't know, Deacon. It seems kind of…personal, you know?"
He just looked at her. She was right. It was a song they could have written about their own lives. Didn't mean it wasn't a good song. She could sell it. He knew it, he knew she knew it too. "Well, Rayna, just 'cause it's personal don't mean it won't sell. Or that you shouldn't record it. You know it speaks to you."
She put her elbows on the table and then leaned her forehead on the palms of her hands. "I don't know, Deacon. I just don't want people thinking I'm singing about you, you know?" She looked up. "In a bad way, I mean."
He shrugged. "It's truth, Ray. You and I both know we lived it. But it's been a long time ago and we both gone different ways. Now it's just a song. And a damn good song. I think you should do it."
She sat back and looked at him, a smile crossing her face. "What would I do without you?" she asked. He shook his head. "It's true, you know, there'd be no Rayna Jaymes without Deacon Claybourne. Still." She looked away for a second, then back. "It's been almost ten years, you know?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Ten years?"
She nodded. "You being sober. Almost ten years." She shook her head and laughed just a little. "You know, I knew you could do it, I knew you could make it work. And I'm just so damn proud of you for doing it, Deacon. I really am."
He lowered his head a bit, a self-conscious smile on his face. "It ain't always been easy, but it seemed necessary," he said.
"What made this time different?"
He breathed in. "You." She bit her lip and looked away. "I mean, after all I done to you, it was like I needed to make it work. I know you paid for that last time, Ray, and I knew it was my last chance. And, I guess, all these years I been paying you back. You know?" He lifted the bottle of water to his lips and drained it.
She looked at him and nodded slowly. "Yeah," she said. "I know."
She ended up taking his recommendation and putting 'Last Call' on her album. It had moderate success, but he always thought it was one of the truest songs she'd ever done, at least among the songs they had not written together.
~nashville~
The night things fell apart, Teddy came home drunk. Late and drunk. Not drunk the way Deacon used to come home drunk, just a drink or so past buzzed.
When he wasn't home on time, Rayna had called his office to check on him. There had been no answer and, when the call went to voice mail, there had been a generic message, not Teddy's usual unique message. She tried his cell phone and it went straight to voice mail. She tried not to be worried. She helped Maddie with homework and then she and the girls fixed chicken nuggets and fries for dinner. She read to Daphne after dinner while Maddie practiced piano.
Inside she was worried, but she put a happy face on for the girls, telling them Daddy was working late. Teddy still wasn't home when it was time to get the girls ready for bed, so she handled bath time and ready for bed time on her own. She told each one Daddy would come see them when he got home and then she kissed each one on the forehead and told them she loved them.
When she went back downstairs, she looked at the clock. It was past eight thirty and she was officially more than worried. She tried his cell phone again and it still went to voice mail. She paced the den, wringing her hands. Finally she called Tandy.
"Hey, babe, what's up?" Tandy said when she answered.
"Um, Teddy's not home and he's not answering his phone, and I'm getting a little worried," she said. "Actually I'm a lot worried. He never does this. Should I call the police? Should I call the hospitals?" Tandy didn't immediately answer. Rayna frowned. "Tandy, do you know something?"
"I don't think I should be the one to tell you. I think Teddy should."
Rayna breathed in and out slowly. Her voice sounded frantic in her head. "Well, he's not here and he's not answering his phone, so I think maybe you should tell me, if you know something. Is he okay?"
"Well, probably not okay, but not hurt or anything. But you know that his real estate deal wasn't going well, right?"
Rayna felt her heart sink. Was that what he'd been trying to tell her, all those times she really didn't pay attention? "I…I don't think I really knew the extent," she said, frantically trying to remember anything he'd said.
"It really kind of all was falling apart, but it just really kind of imploded today." Tandy sighed. "Sweetheart, I really don't know all the details, but I'm sure he'll be home soon and he'll fill you in on everything. I'm sure he's just a little embarrassed to come home and tell you."
"Embarrassed? Why would he be embarrassed? Because a business deal didn't work out?"
Tandy didn't say anything at first. "I think he needs to be the one to talk to you."
After she hung up, Rayna was even more concerned. She didn't know what to expect and she was worried. This had been so out of character. Thirty minutes later, he finally came in the door, and she went rushing to him. He looked unsteady and when she got close to him, she could smell the whiskey. She scowled. "Are you drunk?" she asked.
He smiled sarcastically. "Just a little buzzed," he said, slurring his words just a bit. "Not like what you're used to." He made his way into the den and slumped down on the couch.
She followed him and sat in a chair next to him. She decided to ignore his comment. "What happened, Teddy? I've been worried about you. I tried your office and your cell and got no answer. What's going on?"
He let out a sharp laugh. "I fucked up, Rayna," he said and she winced at the language. "The Cumberland Deal is dead and all the investors are screwed."
She felt a little niggle of apprehension. She knew he'd invested a little of their money. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"I mean, all the money is gone. And I've been 'relieved of my duties' on the board." He looked at her, his eyes faintly bloodshot. "We're broke, Rayna."
She was confused. "What do you mean? Your business?"
"My business. Us. We're broke."
She felt like she was going to throw up. "I thought you only invested some of our money," she whispered.
He looked away from her. "At first. But eventually it was all of it. I had to do it."
At first she didn't know what to say. First she started to get angry and then she was in a panic. She had no idea what to do. "How could you do this, Teddy?" she asked finally. "How could you do this to our family?" He broke down in tears then and she sat and watched him at first, numb. Finally she got up and, feeling like she was in a fog, she walked up the stairs and crawled into bed with Maddie.
She hardly slept that night, as she thought about her sobbing husband downstairs and the implications of that on her family. She was scared – terrified, actually – but she knew she had to hold it together and be strong for all of them, because it was all on her.
~nashville~
Deacon had been surprised when Bucky called him to let him know they were adding tour dates and extending the tour another six months. "When we gonna get in the studio?" he asked. He'd been working on arrangements during downtime and now he wondered what their schedule would be.
"I'm working with the studio to rework our dates. We'll be in studio almost every day when we have a break. We may even look at studio time on some of our tour stops, where it makes sense," Bucky said. He'd sounded a little frazzled when he'd called.
"What's going on, Buck?" he asked.
"I don't know, Deacon. All I know is Rayna called me first thing yesterday morning to let me know she needed us to add more dates."
"Okay then. See you at Sound Check." He hung up the phone and sat back on the couch and wondered what the hell was going on.
The only thing Rayna would say at first, when he asked her about the change in plans, was "We gotta strike while the iron's hot." It was fine for him. He didn't have anything else going on and being out on the road and being busy was better than sitting around an empty house. But he was worried about her. She seemed on edge, like something wasn't quite right. But she was doing what she always did these days, keeping everything bottled up inside, putting on the performance face, and telling everyone everything was fine.
~nashville~
Rayna filled her travel mug with coffee and set it next to her purse. "Rayna, do you want any breakfast?" Teddy asked.
She turned to look at him. He looked so hopeful and all she really wanted to do was slap him. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that Maddie and Daphne were sitting at the counter, watching all of it. She put a fake smile on her face. "No, thanks, babe, I gotta get to the studio. We only have two days and we're behind."
He smiled, even though she knew he was desperate these days. "Will you be home for dinner?" he asked.
"I don't know," she snapped, then closed her eyes and breathed in. "I'm sorry. I don't know," she said, moderating her tone. "I'll try. Deacon's got a new arrangement for one of the songs that just hasn't been working, so we really need to get it right." She could see the tightness in his jaw when she mentioned Deacon, but she really didn't care.
"Mommy, will you be home to read us a story?" Daphne asked.
Rayna turned to look at her girls, sitting and watching their parents. She knew they felt some of the tension, Maddie especially. Maddie was her sensitive girl, worrying about everything. She smiled, a genuine smile of love. "I am definitely going to be here to read you a story, baby," she said. Daphne beamed.
"I want you to listen to what I'm playing in the recital too," Maddie said, pushing her glasses up on her nose.
She turned to look at her oldest daughter. "I will be here to do that too. I promise." She picked up her coffee and purse and walked around the island to kiss each of her girls goodbye. "Now, mama's gotta go or I'm gonna be late. And your uncle Deacon will be mad at me for being late again." The girls giggled. She looked up at Teddy, the smile leaving her face. "Don't forget they have ballet today," she said.
He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I remember," he said, a little testily.
She rolled her eyes and headed out the door.
She sat in the sound room with headphones on. Randy and Deacon were watching her. She frowned and pulled the headphones off. "Damn it," she said. She looked at them. "Deacon, your arrangement is great, much better than before, but now the vocal's off. We're gonna have to redo it."
Randy looked exasperated. "Rayna, it works fine. I'm not really sure what you're hearing…."
She glared at him. "Randy, it's my album. And if it doesn't sound good to me, then it's not good." She looked back and forth between Randy and Deacon, as if challenging them to disagree with her. Deacon gave a sideways glance at Randy and she turned to him, eyes flashing. "You disagree?"
Deacon shook his head. "You're right, Ray, it's your album. But I worked at fitting the arrangements to the vocals."
She raised her eyebrows. "But it didn't fit, Deacon. We need to do it over."
He shrugged. "You're the boss."
"You're damn right I am." She got up and headed for the recording booth. She got to the door and turned to him. "You coming?"
He nodded. "Yes, ma'am." He pushed off the sound board and followed her.
~nashville~
He wasn't sure what happened or why it happened then, exactly. Rayna had been on edge for weeks, with everyone, including him. They were only home for two days, but she insisted they get in the studio. She'd been listening to the tracks they'd laid down almost non-stop while they were on the road. She had always been a perfectionist and had always been a hands-on artist, giving feedback and making suggestions, but now it seemed as though she was pushing it to the limit.
She was brittle and he was worried. On stage, she never failed to give a top notch performance, never letting anyone know whatever it was that was going on behind the scenes. Whenever he asked her what was going on, she told him it was none of his business. He thought it might have to do with Teddy, but he didn't push. He felt like the studio days could wait, but she'd insisted.
As they headed across the parking lot at Sound Check, Rayna called out, "See you tomorrow!"
He stopped and then walked towards her. She stopped too and looked at him with confusion. "Do we really need to do this?" he asked. "Don't you want to spend time with your girls?"
She frowned. "We're on a schedule, Deacon," she said.
He raised his eyebrows. "We're ahead of schedule, Rayna. We don't need to do this."
"Actually, yes, we do. We need to make sure the new arrangements work."
"Randy can do that."
She stomped her foot. "We need to be there. Don't argue with me, Deacon. Just be there."
He'd merely looked at her, then turned and walked to his truck.
He adjusted his headphones and watched Rayna adjust hers. She pointed towards Randy and he started the intro. When he had revised the arrangements, he'd mentioned to Randy they might want to add a string section, just to add some depth. Randy had taken care of it before they'd returned to Nashville, adding it to the already recorded instrumentals. He was pleased with how it sounded.
He watched Rayna as she got ready to sing. She always closed her eyes. She'd told him years ago, when they were getting started, that it helped her to get inside herself and not feel like anyone was watching. Of course, he was always watching. Still was.
Oh there's something 'bout a man in black / Makes me want to buy a Cadillac / Throw the top back / And roll down to Jackson town / I wanna be there on the stage with you / You and I could be the next rage too / Hear the crowd roar / Make 'em want more / Kick the footlights out
I wanna love like Johnny and June / Rings of fire burnin' with you / I wanna walk the line, / Walk the line / Till the end of time….
Suddenly, she stopped, as tears rolled down her face. Deacon was rooted to the spot, watching her, and then, when she put her hands over her face and started to sob, he reached out for her, pulling her into his arms and gesturing to Randy to stop.
He pulled her headphones off and then his own as she grabbed his shirt in her fists and sobbed into his shoulder. For a few minutes he just let her cry, her head against him, her body shaking. "Hey, baby, it's okay," he whispered into her hair. "Come on, let's go sit down." He led her back to the sound booth, which Randy had vacated, and they sat on the couch. She curled into him, seemingly unable to let him go.
As she continued to cry, he ran one hand up and down her arm and the fingers of his other hand were tangled in her hair. He felt a mix of emotions, holding her this close, things he knew he shouldn't feel, things he didn't want to feel. But she seemed reluctant to let him go and so he just held her.
Finally she pulled away, sitting up and swiping the tears away. She gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry," she said. She reached out and put her hand on his chest and let out a little laugh. "I got your shirt wet."
He shook his head, concern still filling him up. "It's okay." He reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb across the top of it. "You wanna talk about it?"
She shook her head. "No." Then she nodded. "Yes." She sighed. She propped herself against the back of the couch, still holding his hand. "Everything's just fallen apart."
He frowned. "What? Tour seems to be going good…."
She shook her head again. "Not this." She breathed in. "We're broke. I'm broke. Teddy lost all our money."
He raised his eyebrows. "What?" He was surprised. Not that he paid a lot of attention to Teddy Conrad, but he knew he was a well-educated man with a good job, he thought, so this didn't make sense. Although it would explain her mood of late.
She waved her hand in front of her face, tears threatening again. "I didn't pay close enough attention, I guess. But he had this business deal and he was getting investors and one of the investors was us. Me. I thought it was just a little bit, but eventually he used all our savings. I just didn't know it. And now we're broke." She laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh. "So now I've got to make sure I keep us afloat. Which is why we're touring more and why this album is so important." She leaned her head back for a second and breathed out. Then she looked back at him. "I can hardly look at him now, Deacon. I don't want to be in the same room as him. I want to tell him to sleep in the guest room, but, you know, with the girls…."
He shook his head. "Rayna, why are you doing this?" She looked confused. "Why are you telling me this?"
"You're my friend. I need to talk to someone."
He breathed out. "You and me, we shouldn't be talking about Teddy and your home life. You get that, right?" She looked away. "I want to help, any way I can, but this part don't feel right."
She looked back at him and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry." She squeezed his hand. "But I depend on you, you know that, right? I mean, you know me better than anyone and I know you've been worried. I just don't want you to be. We'll figure it out. I just need to make sure I can provide for my family."
He nodded. "I'll do whatever I can. Whatever you need."
She smiled then, a more hopeful smile. "Thanks, Deacon." She breathed out. "I think you might be right and I need to go home and spend some time with my girls." They stood up. "Maybe I'll cancel tomorrow. I don't know. I think maybe I just need a little time."
He smiled at her encouragingly. "Take all the time you need."
She reached out and put her hand on his arm for a second, then turned to walk out, picking up her purse as she did. He watched as she left, wondering what all of this might mean.
The song "Last Call" is by Lee Ann Womack. The song "Johnny and June" is by Heidi Newfield.