Hey guys! It's been a while. While Edward's story had been my priority, I'm almost finished with it. It would have been finished a little while ago, but alas, my long-loved sparkly purple laptop had passed on, and with it stole what I'd had for this story. Thanks to one of my little brothers, I finally got my story folder back from my old hard drive, and I've commender my mother's laptop. (She doesn't really mind, I don't think she's ever turned this one on, and she's had it for well over a year.) So, hi again, I missed you, and I've missed this story. I think after this I'll start posting shorter chapters just so I can post more often.
We left off with a very drunk Edward after his casting party, a clumsy knifing attempt by some unstable person, a highly emotionally stressful kiss for Bella, and a possible exclusive relationship status? Let's see.
Usual warnings, language and such. Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight characters.
. . . . . . . . . .
I sat until my back ached as much as my eyes and hoarse throat, then went back inside and had a glass of water before putting a cold cloth over my eyes to erase their redness. Desperate for some sort of distraction, I started cooking some food, though I had no appetite. The sizzling of the bacon in the pan did nothing to distract me from my thoughts.
Then Edward flew into the room like he was being chased by the Headless Horsemen, scaring the living daylights out of me. I jumped in surprise, then flinched away from the stove as my movement caused me to hit my hand on the sizzling pan. Edward was in front of me in the same moment, and the gentleness in which he carefully took my hand to inspect it almost caused a sob to escape my mouth.
I choked it back though. I wasn't going to let him see how badly he'd hurt me, a pain that had nothing to do with my hand. Edward was my friend now, and just having that would be enough for me. I couldn't give him any more, it wasn't fair for me to want it.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him, in fear that my eyes would start to water.
"Are you okay?" He asked in his deep, yet quiet voice. Still a little hoarse from his sleep.
And from everything he drank yesterday.
"Yeah," I said, trying half-heartedly to pull my hand away from him. He didn't let go, and I could feel him watching my face.
"How's your stomach?"
Fuck, I just wanted to get out of here, I could barely breathe. "It's fine," I told him, trying to yank my hand away again, but his grip on my wrist just tightened, which really fucking irritated me. I'd make him let go if he didn't stop pushing his luck.
"Look at me Bella," he said in a stern voice, like he was chastising a child.
My patience ran out, and I glared at him. "If you keep up that fucking tone I'm going to punch you in the face," I spat, twisting my wrist to grab on to his and break his hold. I could have broken his wrist, but I managed to hold back.
He just smiled at me, that smile that he always looked at me, and only me with. It was painful to look at.
"Sorry, you scared me," he said lightly, confusing the shit out of me. I confused him? He didn't make any god damn sense.
"Well, so did you. I thought there was a fucking zombie chasing you or something, barreling in like that." I wanted to flee, but I had a half-cooked open pack of bacon, and just turned back to the stove to escape his intense gaze.
What the hell was I supposed to say to him? By the way, you kissed me before you passed out in the hallway last night. I know you were drunk, it was just a mistake, don't worry about it…
It was still much better than your first kiss… an evil voice in the back of my mind sang out tauntingly.
"What's wrong? Did you not sleep last night?"
I closed my eyes tightly. See? He didn't even remember. Everything could go back to the way it was before.
The thought did nothing to placate me.
His voice cracked when he spoke. "Bella, please-"
"You were really drunk last night," I blurted out quickly. Fuck, what are you doing? Just let it go, you'll ruin everything…
"You think I don't remember what I did? That I kissed you because I was drunk?" He asked in a sad voice. I was frozen in shock.
He remembers?
I didn't flinch away when I felt his large hands on my arms, and he turned me to face him. I still couldn't move, and didn't stop him as he gently tilted my face up to look at him with a finger under my chin. I did not like his hands that close to my throat, but at the same time I knew Edward wouldn't try to hurt me, and fought the urge to push him away before I got trapped in his deep green eyes. The emotions behind them were captivating, he looked so worried, guilty, yet… determined. "I remember everything, and that had nothing to do with alcohol. I kissed you because I've been dreaming of kissing you for months. I said you were mine because I'm never going to let you go, share you, or try to hide my feelings from you anymore. I can't. I need you, and seeing you get hurt last night… it was too much for me. I couldn't stop myself, I didn't want to."
He didn't look away once as he spoke to me, but even with his obvious sincerity it was hard to bring myself to believe his words.
He kissed me because he wanted to kiss me, not because he was drunk, but in spite of it maybe? He said he couldn't and didn't want to stop himself.
He wants me to be his.
He says he needs me.
I wanted to believe him so badly.
"You… actually meant it?"
"Yes," he said without hesitation, not looking away.
My mind was spinning, I couldn't think, and now I was indescribably nervous.
I had already said yes, whatever the hell that meant. I didn't really care. And he remembered it.
What the hell was I supposed to do now? What should I say?
Fucking hell, I feel like I'm going to be sick.
"Are you still drunk?" I blurted out quickly, grasping at straws to find something to break the silence with. He laughed, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him.
"No, silly girl," he said, and I could hear the echo of his voice in his chest as he held me. Or hugged me.
I didn't know what to do, and after a moment of hesitation, I brought my arms up and tentatively wrapped them around him too.
This wasn't too bad. He kind of needed a shower though, I could still smell yesterday's liquor on him.
And then I think I felt him sniff my hair, and froze.
Images of Victor, leaning over me, smelling my hair, pulling on it in what I thought was supposed to be a teasing manner, it always fucking hurt though, and it always creeped me out when he'd lean in and sniff my hair…
"What's wrong?" He asked in a worried tone as he pulled back.
Shit, I didn't want to tell him that.
I didn't want to talk to him about Victor, because I didn't want him to look at me differently, like everyone else always did.
I plastered a grin on my face, and wrinkled my nose teasingly. "You need a shower Hollywood. Go get cleaned up. I'm making waffles."
He grinned, and then exited the kitchen, just like that.
Fuck.
I leaned against the counter, trying to breathe.
Trying to fight back the tears.
The confusion.
The fucking anger, because no matter who I was with or where I went, he was still able to get into my head and just ruin shit for me.
I hated him so god damn much.
I let my mind spin in circles, trying to find a foot hold in something.
What was this supposed to mean? How do I even ask him something like that?
I honestly don't even remember making the batter for the waffles, which made me a little nervous as I set down a plate in front of Edward when he came back, looking like a million bucks after his shower.
I hope I didn't put too much salt in them. Did I even put salt in? Shit.
"This smells amazing."
"Thanks," I said nervously. But he moaned as he took a bite, and I relaxed a bit and smiled hearing his appreciation.
He was a very gratifying person to cook for. He looked up at me and returned my smile, before it turned into a teasing smirk. "You know, for such a feminist, you're awfully good at this home maker stuff."
What the fuck did he just say?
He did not seriously just say that, he's not that stupid-
Ah. He's baiting me. Ass. Two can play at that game.
I punched him in the arm. "Fuck you Cullen," I said, taking my plate and leaving the kitchen and sitting in the living room.
He skipped along after me, dropping down onto the couch next to me.
"Come on, you know I'm just teasing you," he said lightly. I kept my tone curt.
"No, you were trying to piss me off, and it worked."
I saw him freeze and tense up from the corner of my eye, and could practically feel his worry like I could his gaze.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" he stuttered, but froze when I looked up at him with a big grin and took a bite of my waffle. He grinned.
"You fucking player." I winked at him, and he laughed before we both finished our breakfast in comfortable silence.
Just sitting next to him like this was like a drug to me. I had noticed that just being around him in general seemed to have this calming effect on me, even with the nervous sort of excitement my stomach was filled with when I was close to him. It was the oddest, most uncomfortable, but wonderful feeling. And it always left me craving more.
When I finished, he took my plate from me before I even moved to get up. I looked up at him in surprise when he got up, and he gave me his usual crooked grin. "You cooked, I'll clean. Why don't you grab a shower? I've never seen your hair this messy before," he teased. When he reached out to mess my hair I only flinched slightly out of reflex of his hand moving towards my head before swatting away his arm lightly. I really did need a shower though, because I was dead on my feet.
I didn't even hesitate getting undressed before I went into the shower this time, and really had no fear of Edward just barging in. Because he just wasn't that type of guy. It was a little liberating not having that fear around him anymore.
All in all, it turned out to be a pretty decent trip I guess. As I sat next to him on the plane, the contentment I felt at that moment made all the other happenings of the trip become forgotten.
Edward had kissed me.
Still not exactly sure how I feel about that, but I know that I still want to be around him. I might have felt better about it if he hadn't been smashed.
Did he need to be drunk to kiss me?
Shit, would he try to kiss me again?
Did I want him to?
Edward interrupted my downward spiral. "You have a bad habit of setting off the metal detectors," he noted in a teasing voice.
Err, yeah. I wish I just had a habit of forgetting change in my pocket. The topic was often a mood killer, but I didn't like lying to him. "Yeah… I can't really help it. I have some metal pins in my hip."
"What? Why?" He asked in a slightly panicked voice. I bit back my sigh, because I really hated talking about this.
"The accident. They had to rebuild my pelvis."
And then he did what I had been waiting for, and dreading this entire time. He just nodded quietly, obviously uncomfortable and lost for words. He was looking at me with guilt and pity.
I just wanted to disappear. He'd always been the one person who didn't treat me like some fragile, unfortunate victim. I just hated that look, the one that had followed me everywhere for my childhood, so damn much that I wanted to cry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make a joke about it," he told me in a remorseful tone.
"Don't worry about it," I said quickly, I thought it made it easier to be able to joke about these things. My hip was fine know, it just wasn't completely… organic anymore. "Emmett calls me a cyborg whenever we fly." I smiled to myself, but quickly saw that my effort at lightening the mood had failed miserably. He just barely nodded with a stiff jaw, and waves of tense energy just seemed to be rolling off of him.
The button on the cuff of my left sleeve was looser than the one on the right, and I decided that it was incredibly interesting. I started twisting it as far as I could one way and then the next, seeing if it would eventually just fall off without actually pulling it off with force.
"You know, I'm surprised Alice hasn't burned all of your pants-suits yet," he said, breaking the strained silence. I was desperately relieved and laughed.
"There's a reason she's never been to my house before," I said lightly. I'm sure she'd go into some sort of shock if she knew that I didn't even have a closet. My tall boy and clothes rack worked just fine.
"You were serious about that?"
"Yeah… you're the only person who knows where I live except for Emmett and Rose." It wasn't something I took lightly. It probably wasn't a big deal to him, just going over to someone's apartment. But it was a pretty big deal for me.
It kind of made me feel guilty though, that I'd been friends with Jasper, and even Alice, so much longer, but they didn't know where I lived. "It's not that I don't trust her, because I do, it's just-"
He cut me off before I could get too worked up by that guilt. "Hey, it's okay," he assured me, reaching out and taking my hand. Instead of relaxing under his touch I stiffened though, looking around to make sure no one saw him. This business class seat were pretty private, but still, I was a nameless employee when I was with him like this. Or that's what I needed it to look like. He let go quickly and gave me a sheepish grin when he remembered where we were. "You don't need to apologize though. I understand. And Alice wouldn't take it personally. As long as you're still talking to her she's going to be happy. She wouldn't hold that against you."
Alice was pretty awesome like that, but it didn't ease my guilt. I forced out a smile and nodded in acknowledgement anyways though. He grinned at me suddenly, his eyes looking slightly smug and mischievous before he leaned in closer to me. I watched him warily, what was he up to?
"So. You're my girlfriend," he stated matter-of-factly.
My voice came out as more of a squeak.
"Excuse me?"
"You said you were mine. That means you're my girlfriend, B," he said in a tone that implied that knowledge was obvious. It was kind of hard to process because he was fucking smiling at me, and his smile was pretty damn distracting. I guess his words made sense, it was just kind of hard to come to the realization that Edward Cullen was apparently my boyfriend now. What did that mean? Shit, would he want to- "Are you going to tell Emmett and Rose?"
Oh, damn. Emmett would have a heart attack. Rose would move our next trip to Victoria Secret up a couple weeks. But apparently when someone hangs out or starts dating someone they're supposed to mention it to like everyone they knew. Why? It wasn't their business. Did he want Emmett to kill him?
"Uhm…"
And they'd have questions. What did this mean? What would it change?
Fuck, I feel like I'm going to be sick again.
"What's the big deal?" He asked gently, his voice calming and supportive. Yeah, I guess this isn't much of a deal for him.
Fuck, he was going to think I was socially challenged if I told him I'd never had a boyfriend. And then maybe he wouldn't want to be anymore. Gah! This was all sorts of fucked up, and I didn't know any way of phrasing it to make me sound not… pathetic.
I ripped off the band-aid because it was hurting more than the actual cut of my worry.
"It's just… I've… never really had a boyfriend before."
Cue laughter.
I waited… but nothing came. He was still just smiling at me, and shrugged like it was nothing. "There's nothing wrong with that," he said easily.
Huh.
"I don't really know what this entails. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing."
"That's okay. We'll figure it out as we go. I just want to be with you, I don't care about anything else."
O-kay. Hmm. Did this really not bother him?
Or was I just that fucking obvious that he'd already assumed?
Please god, I hope not. He was just taking this really, oddly easily though.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"You know Emmett's going to punch you in the face," I warned.
"It'll be worth it," He answered quickly, looking dead serious.
No, he was serious. Edward has never tried to hide his feelings from me, but seeing his determined expression now… it finally started to really set in.
He wanted this. He wanted me.
Edward Cullen was my boyfriend.
And I had to tell my brother.
That was going to be fun.
"Okay, I'll tell them."
"I think I should be there when you do."
"Why?" I asked. Did he really have a death wish? Or was he worried I would do it wrong somehow? Was there something I wasn't supposed to say, that he didn't want me to say?
"Because I don't want them to think I'm hiding behind you. I don't want you to protect me, I want to be there to protect you. I'm proud that you're mine, I don't want to hide that from the few people I'm permitted to not hide it from."
Oh, well… I wasn't expecting that. Honestly… it would probably be a million times easier having him there. The gesture was very…. Sweet.
But at the same time, it broke my heart. Yes, there were four people we could share this with.
I was used to my lifestyle, but Edward's only known me for a few months. How long would he be able to deal with all of the hiding and secrets?
I didn't want to put him through any of that, but I so desperately wanted to keep him.
He had to know.
"You know how this is going to have to be, right? It won't change anything. You still can't use my name, or tell people we're together. We can't go out on normal dates or hold hands in public or any of that other crap. Are you sure you want to-"
"Yes," he said, cutting me off in a firm voice. He held me frozen in place with the intensity of his gaze. "I don't care about that. I'm much happier hiding in one of our apartments compared to a restaurant or whatever. We've been going out as friends for a while. I can keep that up. I'll behave, I swear."
I knew he meant the words, but I also thought he was underestimating the situation. I worried about it dragging him down, and then staying out of guilt or pity. He was a good man, possibly too good to tell me if it became too much, out of fear of hurting me. I let my breath come out in a quiet sigh.
Either way, it wasn't fair for me to make the decision for him, not any more. There are so many things that I've done to him, said to him, that I regret and that haunt me every day. I couldn't add more to that list, I couldn't bear it. I needed to just let him make his own choices, all I could do was make sure they were educated ones.
"Okay… can you just promise me one thing?"
"Anything."
"If it gets to be too much, just... talk to me about it?"
He watched me curiously for a long minute, and I couldn't read his expression in the slightest. It made me uneasy.
"Sure, if you promise me the same thing."
If that was the only thing needed to get him to be upfront with me, it was easy to promise the same thing.
Besides, if he was there to talk to at the end of the day, just knowing the option to be close to him would be there, I doubted that there would be anything in the world that could make this not worth it.
"Okay."
. . . . . . . . . .
The rest of the trip home had been calm. I couldn't really say relaxing, because I felt like I was riding the edge of a panic attack the entire way. I think Edward's presence was the only thing helping me keep it together, it was just the effect he had on me. He centred me.
But as we got closer to his apartment, my unease just grew.
Oh my god, what is wrong with me? I'm completely overreacting, it's not like I won't see him again soon. Besides, we just spent two full days together.
Shit, was I being clingy? I may not have had a boyfriend before, but I knew guys didn't like clingyness.
How long would I have to wait to see him again?
"So, when are you seeing Emmett next?" He asked curiously.
"He's supposed to come over for dinner tomorrow," I told him, forcing some semblance of calm into my voice. Why the hell was I so god damn nervous? I did not like this shit one bit. I wanted him to come over, and if he didn't want to, he'd say so. "You're more than welcome to join us," I said with a small smile.
He beamed, and my smile grew as I relaxed.
"I'd love to," he said happily. "What time do you want me over?"
Nine in the morning definitely sounded needy, so I told him he could come over any time in the afternoon, and that we'd be eating at six.
My heart was pounding furiously when I pulled over just a bit past his building. I killed the engine, and we sat there, still in the silence for a long minute before I looked over at him.
He was watching me too.
I guess neither of us knew what to say. I wasn't worried that he might try to kiss me again, because I knew that even if he had wanted to do something like that again, he wouldn't. Not here.
The urge to touch him was almost painful. I didn't know what to do.
He gave me a sad smile, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. Or maybe he was thinking the same?
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay."
He got out, and grabbed his bag out of the bed. Instead of walking towards the building though, he came back over to the window, and I opened it curiously.
"Hey B?"
"Yeah?"
"I'll miss you," he said with a wink. I laughed.
"I'll miss you too," I told him honestly. He smiled, and after another short moment, he turned and left, walking into his building.
I forced myself to drive away, and stopped outside of my regular grocery store on my way home. I checked my phone again, Rose and Em had left the house about an hour ago, but told me they'd still be coming over tomorrow.
Oh, god, that was going to be an interesting conversation. He'd probably have a heart attack just finding out that Edward knew where I lived.
Maybe I could butter him up with some good food. That usually worked.
So, I went in and stocked up, knowing Emmett probably cleaned out my fridge while I was gone, and picked up a few extra things to make one of his favourites before heading home to my baby boy.
. . . . . . . . . .
I was quickly getting sick of feeling so sick all the time. I just couldn't seem to undo the knots in my stomach. The best I could do was to attempt to ignore it.
Yeah, not very effective.
I went for a run with Zeus at the park as soon as I woke up, and the cool air burning my lungs had a bit of a soothing effect on me. The adrenalin seemed to distract a bit from my nausea.
I got back and had a shower, then needed to get dressed. Does this sort of thing have a dress protocol?
I have no. Fucking. Clue. And was getting sick of that too. I just got dressed in my usual clothes, figuring comfort would be the best calming agent. I threw on a pair of jeans, and my favourite Led Zeppelin tee. It was kind of big on me, but it was so soft and comfy.
No one else needed to know about the awesome blue lace underwear I was wearing underneath it. Surprisingly comfortable, and it looked fucking awesome. There was just something about wearing hot underwear that made me feel confident. I didn't really feel weird about it, Rose was the same way.
I tried not to think too deeply on that though, she was just enjoyable to shop with.
I decided I didn't really feel like making a dessert, so I went out and picked up a fruit flan while I grabbed some lunch.
Once I got back I was able to distract myself with getting dinner ready. I put on a Black Keys CD before I started some peppercorn sauce to go with the chicken and veggies for dinner. It was Emmett's favourite, I swear he'd take a straw to the pot if I'd let him anywhere near it. I also diced up and fried some mushrooms in butter until they were nice and soft, then added in some breadcrumbs to stuff the chicken with later.
After cutting up the rest of the stuff I needed I cleaned up my mess, I ate about half a pint of ice cream, and had nothing else that I could think of that needed to be done.
So I sat back down on my couch.
I kind of wish I'd given Edward a specific time to be here now, just so I'd know how much longer I had to wait.
I thought about calling, but he said he would be here. I didn't want to sound naggy or anything like that.
Damn it, I'm not used to feeling so off center. I didn't like it. I got up and took my violin out of its case, hoping to release some energy or emotion or something.
My CD was still playing, and Little Black Submarines came on. I started playing along with the vocals and lead guitar, twisting around with the rhythm once it picked up, and finally felt myself starting to relax.
One of the bars reminded me of a song I'd heard a few weeks ago. Stay With Me, Sam Smith. I switched off my stereo with my toe so I wouldn't have to stop playing. My body calmed further with the softer melody.
So much better.
A knock on the door pulled me out of my music coma. I turned to my monitors, and Edward was grinning at the screen.
My face instantly spilt with a grin, and I set my violin down on my desk before dashing over to the door and unlocking it.
And there he was, smiling at me like he was just as happy to see me as I was him. I couldn't really remember why I'd been freaking out before anymore.
"Hey Hollywood. You're early." I was kind of surprised that my voice didn't come out as a squeak.
"I missed you," he said in his deep voice, stepping inside without breaking eye contact with me.
Those eyes just made me feel powerless. I couldn't look away, but I didn't want to. Even with the flutter of nerves.
He looked like he was going to eat me.
Or kiss me.
Shit, was he going to kiss me?
He inhaled deeply, and I swear his pupils just dilated. "Fuck, what are you cooking? It smells amazing."
It was pretty hard not to laugh, and I grinned. Not sure if I was relieved or not. "Oh, I have a peppercorn sauce simmering right now," I said, and closed the door. It got Zeus' attention, and he ran over to inspect the new arrival. He just started bouncing around like the crazy dog he was, and was probably due for another bathroom break. I let out a sigh as I went over to turn off the sauce. I really was not a fan of this cold weather. "I was just about to take him up to the roof, want to come?"
"Yes," he said quickly, and I smiled again before we brought him up. There was a flock of pigeons up there, so Zeus was on could nine trying to chase them away. Edward sat next to me on the small wicker loveseat I had under the overhang.
We were both quiet for a minute, and I toyed with the hem of my shirt as I tried to think of something to say. It's not like it was an uncomfortable silence or anything, it was one of the things I was coming to really like about him. We could sit quietly together for an afternoon and say nothing, but the silence was never uncomfortable. I just liked being near him.
But my nerves came back in full force, and it was off-putting.
I was terrified that this… status? May have changed something.
Edward pulled me out of my busy mind when he reached over and took one of my hands, and just gave me a sweet smile as he entwined his fingers through mine. I felt my body just relax in response to his touch.
He was always so warm. I didn't try to stop my smile as I looked back at him, and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. His smile grew.
I'd always thought hand holding was just weird, restrictive, and unnecessary. Somewhere in those few seconds though, I changed my mind. I liked it, and now I didn't want to let go.
"So how was your day today?" He easily asked in his smooth voice. It was in a bit of a contrast to his body language though, as I noticed that he was shaking slightly.
"It was pretty good. Played with Zeus in the park for a bit, did some grocery shopping. Nothing too exciting. Yours?" He looked tired too, he had faint shadows under his eyes.
Shit, was there something wrong? Did he change his mind? I tried to cover my panic with a grin and a teasing voice. "You look like shit today, Hollywood."
He grinned at me sheepishly, and dragged his free hand through his hair. Something I'd found to be an almost nervous or frustrated habit of his. "Yeah, I didn't really sleep much, then ended up drinking about a fish tank worth of coffee."
He didn't say why he couldn't sleep.
It was getting harder to believe that it was because he had changed his mind as he rubbed gentle circles over the back of my hand, and moved a little closer to me.
Maybe it was just something else that he didn't want to talk about? I changed the subject. "I don't see how you can drink that stuff, it doesn't even taste good. And you know it's not healthy."
"I don't think the amount of bacon you eat is healthy," he teased back, making me laugh.
Yes, I liked bacon, but who doesn't? Besides, I usually needed the salt after a work-out. "I always run it off right afterwards anyways. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy appetite."
As if my stomach could hear our conversation, it growled angrily. Damn, I was so hungry today. All of this stress and self-doubt could really work up an appetite.
A small snack wouldn't ruin dinner.
"Hmm, speaking of food," I said, patting my stomach to make sure it wasn't somehow bigger than this morning. I'm not necessarily a vain person, I just have thousands of dollars worth of ink on my body that would be ruined if I gained a bunch of weight.
I'll just put in some extra time at the gym tomorrow. I brought my fingers to my lips to call for Zeus, and he bounded over happily. "How about a snack boy? What do you think about that?"
Ah, that was one of his favourite words in the world. Right up there with "cheese" and "drive." His tail gave an audio and visual to his excitement.
I was happy that Edward didn't try to take his hand back in the journey back down to my apartment, but I had to release him to make something to eat.
NACHOS.
The excitement of eating them kept me thoroughly distracted the entire time I made them.
As soon as they were out of the oven I went and joined Edward on the couch. I wasn't really sure how close I was supposed to sit next to him, though if given the choice, I'd be right up next to him and wrapping myself around his warm arm.
He made it known that he didn't like the distance though, and slid right up next to me and wrapped an arm around me. I smiled, very much pleased.
He seemed so damn comfortable with this, and it bothered me that I seemed to need to have an internal argument with myself every single time I did anything around him. He made it seem so simple. He wanted to be closer to me, so he'd just do it.
Was it that simple? Thinking about it now, comfortably surrounded by his warmth and tucked into his side, I couldn't really picture him getting upset with me for trying to touch him or be closer to him.
I relaxed even further, leaning my head against him, because I really couldn't see him minding.
"This is perfection," he said in a breath, and I wasn't quite sure if he meant for me to hear it. I laughed though, taking that as a confirmation that he really didn't mind. His word choice was strange though.
"What?"
He grinned at me. "I've never been as happy as I am now, sitting here like this with you. It's amazing."
I was stunned. Did he really think like that? He seemed so comfortable with this. I'd figured, but tried not to think about the fact, that he was probably used to this.
I could tell, just looking in his eyes, that this wasn't the case though.
The thought made me smile brightly, and testing the waters, I reached up, entwining my fingers through his on the hand that was hanging over my shoulder. He didn't show any sign of disapproval. "I feel the same way," I said quietly. It was weird, but completely true. "I like this, being with you like this."
And the way he smiled at me when I said that, you'd think I'd just given him a new car.
Then, my stomach fluttered nervously as his eyes seemed to almost darken.
And he started to lean in closer to me.
Shit, he's going to kiss me. The excitement started to overpower the nervousness as I remembered how soft his lips were, and that when he kissed me I was still able to breathe, and that I really didn't have anything to be afraid of when it came to Edward.
He'd never hurt me.
He was almost touching me, I could feel the heat radiating off his face onto mine.
Someone knocked on my door.
He sighed dramatically as he leaned away from me, making me let out a nervous laugh as I got up to answer the door.
My disappointment sort of shifted into annoyance as I let my brother and his wife inside.
"Bells! Fuck, it smells delicious in here. Is that your peppercorn sauce? What's the special occasion?"
I led them inside, and felt them both freeze as they saw Edward on my couch.
He wanted to be with me when I told them, so I hadn't told him he'd been to my house. There was no way to have one side of that conversation without the other, so I understood their shock.
"What would you guys like to drink?" I asked, knowing they'd probably need a moment to absorb this. I'd lived here for three years, and they'd never seen anyone else in my apartment.
"What's he doing here?"
Okay, didn't need too long to absorb it after all I guess.
I was kind of tempted to tell him he'd come over to change a light bulb for me. It was a stupid question, why else would he be here?
"We're hanging out, having dinner," I said with a grin. I'm not sure why I was feeling so defensive, but it was easier to deal with than nervousness.
I felt bad when I saw how nervous Edward looked though, he didn't really think I'd let Emmett punch him, did he?
"You told him where you live?" Rose asked excitedly. I knew she'd take this easier than my brother though, she was always trying to get me out of my comfort zone, and really, thinking back on it now, she had really helped push me towards Edward over the past few months.
"Yeah, he's known for a while, actually."
"How long?" Emmett asked, not taking his eyes off of Edward, who still hadn't moved.
"Since your wedding." Honest and straight to the point, I wanted to get this tense drama over and done with. If Emmett was an ass, Rose would put him in his place.
"So, you really told him everything?"
I couldn't take seeing Edward so uncomfortable anymore, so I went and sat down next to him on the couch again.
When I saw him relax I felt much calmer myself.
"Yeah." Did he really think I'd exaggerate about something like that?
Rose became nervous all of a sudden as she came and sat on my other side, and watched me worriedly before she spoke. "Did you tell him about… me?"
"No, of course not," I scoffed. It wasn't very tactful for her to bring it up like that, it was probably going to make Edward curious. But no matter who he was, I would never go behind Rose like that. I'd take her secret to the grave with me, even if I thought she kept her secret for the wrong reasons. It wasn't my choice though. I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and felt relieved when she relaxed.
Emmett dropped down on the couch next to her, his eyes still darting between Edward and I suspiciously. "So, what does this mean?"
That brought me up short. How was I supposed to say something like that? What if I said it wrong and somehow upset Edward with it? I didn't trust my own voice, and felt like a coward when I looked over at Edward.
But he just smiled at me reassuringly, and reached out to take my hand, entwining his fingers though mine. My worry instantly dissolved, and it was impossible not to smile back at him.
And with that, we both looked back over at them. I knew as soon as they saw me touching him like this, they'd know. We didn't really have to say anything.
Edward just made things that seemed so impossible to me so incredibly simple and easy.
Rose was grinning with tears in her eyes. I swear, she was more like a mom than a sister to me sometimes, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes while I grinned.
And my brother just looked… resigned maybe? "Well, I can't say this is a complete surprise," he said with a sigh, leaning back against the couch.
Well, that went much better than I'd expected. And apparently much better than Edward had expected as well.
"That's it?" He asked in surprise.
"What's it?"
"You're not going to punch me?" He sounded disbelieving, and I was tempted to laugh. Like I'd actually let Emmett touch him, please. My brother grinned also.
He wasn't unreasonable, just protective.
"Not today Cullen. There are no promises about tomorrow though." Edward laughed, and I felt him relax in relief next to me. "Looks like you're in the circle of trust now Fucker, don't screw it up."
I almost rolled my eyes at his bad joke. I hated that movie, actually I found any of Ben Stiller's movies painful to watch. I had enough angst in my own life, I didn't need to watch the fake, over-the-top drama in his as well.
Edward took his words completely seriously though, I could hear it in his tone when he replied. "I won't."
We were all silent for a moment, and I was just so incredibly happy that was over and done with. I gave Edward's hand a gentle squeeze as a silent thank-you, and he gave me that gorgeous smile of his.
I broke the comfortable silence.
"Awesome. So, drinks? You want a daiquiri Rose?"
"That sounds lovely," she said happily, and I left my extremely comfortable spot next to Edward.
"Emmett?"
"Beer is fine," he said easily, and started looking for something to watch on TV. It was a special talent of his, navigating the world of digital cable to find something interesting to watch. I didn't have the patience to browse through all of those damn channels. Usually by the time I found something that looked interesting, it was already half over.
I grabbed Emmett his beer before making drinks for Rose and I, and brought over a fresh drink for Edward as well.
Every time he smiled at me, I just wanted to be closer to him, to touch him. But remembering the bright smile he gave me every time I cooked for him made it easier to get back up and start to work on dinner.
Almost everything was done already, but I'd forgotten to flatten out my chicken breasts earlier. I hated touching raw chicken, all the bacteria just kind of freaked me out, and I never felt like I could get my hands clean enough afterwards.
I like hitting stuff though, and felt myself smiling at I went to town with my meat mallet.
"So, what's for dinner?" Emmett asked excitedly.
"Mushroom stuffed chicken," I called over the loud noise I was making.
Rose came in and joined me after I put down my weapon, and got me to explain what I was doing. She wasn't too big on cooking, but it was because she never got much practice at it growing up. I loved teaching her, and I was laughing at the look on her face as she tried to roll the stuffed chicken breasts. I didn't put anything on the outside to season them because I had the sauce to go with it.
Rose was my favourite person in the world to drink with. Well, she was the only person in the world I would drink with, but it didn't make her any less fun. She never really had her guard up when she was around me, but when we drank, she just became completely carefree, relaxed, and giggly. It was fun, because she couldn't make fun of me for doing the same thing.
I made a third pitcher after dessert.
"You have a boyfriend," she whispered into my ear, making me giggle. "You're dating my cousin! But you're my sister. Does that mean you're dating your own cousin?"
I laughed loudly. "Eww! That's fucked up. No, I'm not, you weirdo. You were like a sister to me before you married Emmett, does that mean you're dating your own brother?"
We both broke into another fit of giggles. "Okay, I take it back. Eww. We need to go shopping!"
"Yes, we missed last month's trip. Why'd we cancel?" We usually did a monthly trip to Victoria's secret, but that was our secret as well.
"Because I was busy, marrying your brother," she deadpanned, making me laugh again. Ahh, my face hurt.
Edward shifted closer to me on the couch, and wrapped his arm around me. I grinned happily, leaning into his side, and taking his hand that was hanging over my shoulder like earlier.
He had surprisingly soft hands for a guy, but his fingertips were calloused.
Because my boyfriend plays the guitar apparently. I've never heard him do it, but I bet he was good at it. I'd yet to find something he wasn't good at. I bet he looked so handsome playing a guitar.
"So when are we going?" Rose asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Hmm, how about Tuesday after work? We could grab dinner afterwards."
"Sounds good."
"Should we invite Alice?" I felt like I was leaving her out.
And when I thought about it, my guilt tripled as I thought about the fact that she didn't know where I lived. Or Jasper.
Was it really such a big deal, telling them where I lived? I knew they'd never do anything to hurt me. They wouldn't let anything slip.
Well, Alice had let my real name slip to her father when she cornered me with him, but her heart was in the right place.
Gah, my head was spinning too much to think about this right now. I topped off our drinks.
"Not unless you want to made it a week-long trip. She takes shopping with a seriousness that intimidates me," she laughed. "Maybe next time? When we have more time."
"Okay," I conceded, though I still felt guilty. "By the way, why'd you visit your parents? Emmett said you stopped by there when I came over for dinner the other day."
She laughed, but it was a sarcastic sound. "Ah, they were just trying to fuck with me. It's not important."
"Yes, it is," I said seriously. "What happened?"
She sighed. "They wanted me to reimburse them for my University fees."
I may have growled slightly. I fucking hated her parents with a passion.
"Want me to dig up some dirt on them?" Because I knew there would most likely be something. Carmen and Elazar Hale were giant assholes, and assholes always had dirty laundry in their closets.
She thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. "Nah, that's okay. It was pocket change to me now. It's kind of nice, knowing that I don't owe them a fucking thing."
I kind of admired her maturity, I knew I could be a little vindictive, but it was because I loved her so fucking much. She was right though, I knew her and my brother were loaded. The only reason they still lived in their little apartment was because they liked how cozy it was. Emmett and I grew up in a tiny house we loved, and Rose grew up feeling lonely in a giant house that she hated.
"I love you so damn much," I slightly slurred in a whisper, hugging her and making her laugh.
I didn't even notice how late it had gotten until Emmett said that they should head home. I frowned, and gave Rose a hug. I felt like dancing, but Emmett pulled us apart and stole her away from me. Jerk.
I smiled up at Edward, wondering if he would want to. He was a really good dancer. I was afraid he'd laugh at me though, so I went and started washing dishes.
He followed and started to help, drying for me as I washed. He was just so damn sweet.
Washing dishes was fun when you were drunk.
I thought it was a little funny that I was alone with a man in my apartment, very much smashed, but it didn't make me uneasy in the slightest, because I knew Edward would never hurt me.
He loooved me. I knew I loved him too, which was fucking scary, but wasn't at the same time.
He'd only ever said the words once, but it wasn't to my face and he hadn't meant for me to hear them.
He didn't deny it either though, but even then, I'd brushed his words off like they were nothing, like a complete bitch, because I just couldn't handle it at the time.
No wonder he hasn't said it again. I still had trouble believing he would want to be with someone like me, after the way I had treated him for so long. It was painful to think about.
Yeah, I'm too drunk to deal with that right now, and tried to push it to the back of my mind.
It was probably good he hadn't said those words again though, because I knew I wasn't really ready to address my feelings aloud or sober yet. I didn't feel pressured to do it either though, not right now. He just made me so comfortable around him.
He didn't really need to say the words though, I could see it every time he looked at me.
I hoped he saw how much I cared about him when I looked at him too, but there wasn't really anyway to ask that. I'd just have to make sure to try harder. I could do that. I think.
I was getting better at touching him, I was addicted to being close to him.
It didn't help that he always smelt so damn good.
I must have been making a face or something, because Edward laughed at me.
"Bella, I do believe you are quite tanked right now," he noted in an amused voice.
"You would be right in that assumption," I said with a grin.
"I always thought it was kind of weird. You just turned twenty-one, and you already had this giant, fancy bar."
I laughed, and looked at him knowingly. "Are you saying you never had a drink before you were twenty-one?" He smiled, not denying it. God, that smile just made me want to melt. It was a dangerous, and distracting look, and it took me a minute to remember what we'd been talking about. As, yes, my bar. I felt the need to explain myself a bit. I didn't want him to think I was a drunk. "I started college when I was fifteen, early exposure to the whole scene I guess. I was never a lush, I only drink on my own time, I never touch the stuff if I'm working."
"Fifteen? When did you finish? What were you taking?"
It was hard to think about; My first, short-lived post-secondary educational experience that ended after two months with a DVD of my best friend being murdered as a substitute for myself.
I attempted to censor my words, he didn't need the gory details.
"I started with taking criminal law and computer sciences, but about two months after I started Victor started sending letters to my classrooms. I withdrew and went back into correspondence from home. I got my law degree in a year and a half." They were both able to be finished online, and being pretty much imprisoned in my own home gave me plenty of time, too much really, to concentrate on my studying. After he killed Angela, it wasn't like I had any friends to distract me. The closest was Alec, who'd been assigned to shadow me in school, but stayed afterwards and got stationed in Forks. He'd come by and visit me sometimes, and always had an interesting book to give me.
At least my dad had been able to see me get a diploma before he-
My thoughts were broken into by the sound of shattering glass; the cup Edward had been drying just exploded in his hand.
"Shit! Edward, what the fuck," I said worriedly, taking his hand to inspect it. There were large pieces of glass embedding into the palm of his hand that was immediately filling with blood. Zeus ran over to inspect the chaos. I told him to go to his spot quickly so he wouldn't hurt himself on the glass on the kitchen floor, before dragging Edward over to the bathroom. I sat him down on the edge of the tub before pulling out my first aid kit. I knelt down in front of him, put on some gloves, and took out the sterilized pair of tweezers before I started plucking out pieces of glass as gently as I could. It looked like it really hurt.
His voice was very quiet when he spoke. "Sorry, it's just… thinking about was he did to you, it makes me fucking livid."
Shit, I shouldn't have said anything. I just can't seem to do anything fucking right when it comes to him. My nose started burning with the tears that wanted to escape, but I refused to let them. "It's okay, I'm sorry I said it, I didn't mean to upset you." I hated hearing him apologize, this was my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
"No, don't you fucking apologize," he said in a surprisingly stern voice. "I don't want you to ever... it's not your fault that ass-"
He broke off in a hiss as I tried to clean one of the cuts. I couldn't help but grin, hearing his words so close to my own thoughts. I relaxed a bit, knowing he wasn't mad at me, or that I hadn't scared him off. "Don't be such a baby," I teased, pulling his hand back towards me.
"Hey, that fucking stings," he said in this defensive, adorable pout. I rolled my eyes at him, and then he just grinned. He let me finish my work in silence, and I felt him watching me closely the entire time. As soon as I was done I cleaned up my supplies, put them away, and cleaned up before going back to the kitchen to clean up the glass on the floor. Man, I was still really dizzy.
I wanted to go to sleep, but I really didn't want to say goodbye to Edward.
I thought about asking him if he wanted to stay, but the thought alone scared the living shit out of me.
Is that something he would want? Why am I even thinking that, he's a guy, of course he does.
But when? How long would he be willing to wait before he loses his patience?
I'd never really considered doing… that. But of course he probably has.
I almost started hyperventilating, but he pulled me out of my downward spiral with a question.
"So, you have a law degree and an EMT license, anything else?"
I was so extremely happy for that distraction, I didn't want to think of that other thing right now.
"I don't actually have a licence as an EMT. My law degree is the only program I actually ever finished. I took a lot of other stuff for fun though. I've done some business courses, computer programming, some accounting… and my Librarian technician courses."
"Fuck, where'd you find the time for all of that?"
"You end up with a lot of spare time when you're not able to leave your house or make any friends."
"Oh… yeah. Sorry."
My heart stopped when I realized I had said those words aloud. I hadn't meant to. I almost panicked again, but he didn't look like he was going to break any more of my dishes, so I relaxed a little. I didn't want him apologizing for stuff like that, it wasn't like he did anything, and if he could tell me not to, I could as well. "Stop apologizing for things that are completely out of your control."
He gave me a small smile, and nodded.
"How did you afford all of that stuff? How did you get into security?"
I was taking a Lysol wipe to the kitchen floor as I talked, making sure there weren't any little pieces of glass left. "Well, I made a lot off of that screen play I wrote, that was more than enough to pay for my schooling. I had some scholarships too. Then my dad died, and he had a pretty big life insurance policy, being a cop and all. I had started taking karate, jiu-jitsu and kickboxing with Emmett after I got released from the hospital, and took to it pretty quickly. It was like therapy, punching shit calmed me down. I made a lot of contacts through all of my schooling and competitions, and when we moved… I used a big chunk of my savings to buy Emmett the gym, started teaching my own classes while doing some private investigator work on the side. I got a few offers to do some security work, and found out that I was really good at it. When I met Rose, and introduced her to Emmett, I helped her get her business set up and accepted the job happily when she offered for me to run her security."
I smiled, remembering those easy days when I had nothing more to do besides working at the gym and managing my building. It had been so much simpler back then, before I had all these people in my life.
I couldn't bring myself to regret it though, because everything that happened brought me to where I was now. In my kitchen with Edward.
Who still hadn't said a word. I looked up at him, and he was just staring at me disbelievingly.
"What?" Did I spill something on my shirt?
"You're fucking incredible. You know that, right?"
I rolled my eyes at him and went back to putting away dishes. That was exaggerating a bit. I wasn't special, I just had obsessive issues.
"I'm serious," he said from right behind me, and I turned in surprise to look at him. My stomach fluttered in nervous excitement as he towered over me, backing me into the corner of my counter.
"The passion and drive you have for life is fucking inspirational Bella. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. I still struggle on a daily basis to believe that you're even real."
Shit, it wasn't like I didn't appreciate his compliments. Because I did. They just turned out to be really intense sometimes, and they were hard to wrap my mind around.
Because I could see he was being serious, but it was hard to believe someone as amazing, and just as completely perfect as he was, could think something like that about a monster like me. I gave him a smile, nervous about voicing my words, but needing to at the same time. "You're sweet, but I don't know what do to with your intense compliments. They're a little hard to absorb."
He didn't seem put off in the slightest. "You don't have to do anything with them except for believe them, because I'd never fucking lie to you."
He had leaned in closer to me, and my heart rate shot up, and I could hear my own pulse loudly in my head. I swallowed loudly, and nodded, not knowing what to say.
He looked like he was going to kiss me. All the anticipation was killing me as I stood there, trapped in his eyes.
It was really weird wanting someone to kiss me, but I really wanted to try it again.
But he didn't. He gave me a gentle smile, and when he leaned in, he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. I was a little disappointed, which was also really weird. Was I that bad last time that he didn't want to do it again?
But he wrapped his arms around me, and held me firmly against him for a long moment. I just relaxed as usual under his touch.
I liked this too. A lot. I smiled happily, wrapping my arms around him too, just really enjoying being close to him.
If I hugged anyone else for this long, it would have been awkward, but I never wanted to let go to him.
And the way he held me tighter made me believe he may have felt the same way.
"I think today went pretty well," he mused, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Very." Glass shattering not included.
"But you have work tomorrow." I nodded against him, and he leaned back to look at me. "I'm going to go home then and let you get some sleep," he said with a smile, and I walked with him over to the door.
I didn't want to say goodnight to him, and hated this weighted pressure I would get in my chest whenever I wanted to ask him to hang out with me. I hated how vulnerable it made me feel, and as I forced myself to push past it I felt like I was waiting to break through the surface of water, waiting desperately for that one relieving breath of air.
It didn't help that I had so much shit to do, but… I'd just need to take a rain check on my usual Monday dinner with Alice. I'd still see her Wednesday and in class on Thursday.
"Uhm, would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow?"
When he gave me that dazzling crooked grin, the pressure eased. "I'd love to," he said, slipping on his shoes. He grabbed his jacket, and pushed his arms through the sleeves. "What time do you want me over?"
I was all stocked up on groceries, so I'd be coming straight home, but I would have to take Zeus for a walk and I couldn't do that with Edward. Running was different, people didn't have much time to really look at you, and it was rare that we ever saw someone while we were together. "Five?"
"Okay," he said with a small smile, and I undid the locks for him. We both just stood there, watching each other for a minute. He took a step closer to me, and as he slowly looked me over, stopping on my face and smiling, I felt my face start to warm.
His grin got bigger, and he lifted his right hand, and gently traced down the side of my face with his index finger, going from my temple down to my jaw.
My face was burning fiercely. I couldn't look away from him, not when he was so damn close, and looking down at me.
"Goodnight Bella."
"Goodnight," I whispered back, and just like that he walked away.
I locked my door and finished cleaning up my kitchen before putting on some pyjamas and cutting a large slice of leftover fruit flan. I took my fork and plate up to the roof with me when I took out Zeus.
When my head hit my pillow afterwards, I was out like a light, and slept like the dead until my alarm went off.
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