A/N: No, this is not an update for any of my WIPs. This is, in fact, a new story. I apologize for not updating my current projects. To be honest, every time I start to update any of them I find myself just staring at the screen: I feel so disconnected from the characters and stories. I'm not abandoning them, but I'm taking some very solid advice to write what I am inspired to write at the moment. I will return to those fics, sooner rather than later, but I just need to get back into the flow of writing again.
A/N #2: This is an epic fic, in that it spans 13 years. It is split into 6 parts, each with multiple chapters. Each part will feature a different character POV and will run in roughly chronological order (Parts 3 and 4 are concurrent-ish).
A/N #3: Not a yoga master. Just using the internet. Don't hate the story if I describe anything incorrectly. Please.
A/N #4: Special awesomeness to anyone who can pick out the quote from my favorite movie (it's just a little paraphrased)... if you can find it I will totally write you a one-shot (pairing of your choice).
Warnings: AU, Angst, language, yaoi, lots of pairings (1x2, 2x3, 2x4, 2x5, 1x5, 2xH, 3x4, 1x3, 3xRalph) melodrama - probably I should add this warning to everything I write...
Special thanks to my beta Artemis Fenir.
This Time
Part 1: Chapter 5
Fall 2003
It was ungodly hot in the apartment.
When Trowa walked in, struggling under the weight of his duffel bags and already sweating from the heat outside, he groaned out loud.
The air-conditioning was clearly malfunctioning - that or Duo had died at some point over the summer vacation and the air had been shut off when he stopped paying the bills.
Trowa's dark thoughts abruptly ended when he noticed Duo, alive and well.
And mostly naked. He was wearing only a pair of very short running shorts and he was standing in the living room, balanced on just his right foot with his leg leg and arms extended parallel to the floor.
His back glistened with sweat and Trowa found it suddenly impossible to breathe.
"What are you doing?" He finally managed to ask after having to close his eyes and think of Hilde stabbing him with an x-acto knife - he had discovered that this was an excellent tactic for derailing lustful thoughts about Duo.
Duo continued to hold the pose, not evening turning to look at Trowa.
"Yoga."
"Yoga? When did you learn how to do yoga?"
"This summer. I've been taking classes down at the hippy place - One with Self."
"Do you always do it naked?"
"I'm not naked - I've got shorts on. Besides, it's hot as balls in here."
"I noticed - did you forget to pay the electricity bill?"
Duo finally abandoned the pose and stretched as he turned towards Trowa.
With his arms raised over his head, Duo's lean stomach and the wiry muscles in his torso were shown off to perfection. Trowa forced himself to look at Duo's face.
But even that had him thinking dirty thoughts.
"No, but it's Bikram yoga - you're supposed to do it in a studio that's got the heat cranked up - and since the news said it was going to be almost a hundred degrees today I figured what the hell - I'll turn the apartment into a sauna."
Duo grabbed a towel from the floor and started to mop the sweat from his face and chest.
"Why did you start taking yoga classes?"
Duo shrugged.
"Had to pass the time somehow. The art building is being renovated, so I couldn't get in the studio to work and my chemistry classes were early in the morning so... I had to do something with myself."
Something that made him even more irresistible, Trowa thought darkly. He had never taken yoga, but he had seen people practice it on television and in movies. He knew it made people more flexible. And a more flexible Duo -
Hilde. X-acto.
"Besides," Duo continued, oblivious to Trowa's inner struggle, "it helps focus your mind and body." He shrugged. "I figure I can use some of that."
Trowa frowned.
"You're focused. You're double majoring and minoring in chemistry - and you passed your juries so you're in the BFA program. I don't know anyone who is more focused than you."
"About my school work, sure, but that's not all I need to focus on." He shook his head. "I was a wreck by the end of last semester. I'm not going through that again."
Which made it sound like Duo was over Trowa.
"I'm sorry, about last semester," Trowa said. "I know we didn't really -"
Duo waved one hand.
"Don't worry about it. I had stuff going on, you had stuff going on - it's not a big deal."
Trowa nodded and, because he had no idea what to say and he felt panic rising inside him, he moved past Duo and went to his room to drop off his bags.
He had taken Hilde's advice - he had left Duo alone for the rest of spring semester and all summer, only sending him postcards from a few places in Europe that he remembered Duo mentioning in the past. He had taken the time to really think about Duo and the fact that he had, according to Hilde, been in love with Trowa since freshmen year. He had taken the time to consider what being in a relationship with Duo would be like.
And he had spent the entire summer missing him. It wasn't just about wanting to be with Duo - he missed him as a friend and Trowa knew he had more or less abandoned Duo after Valentine's Day.
Looking back, he felt like a complete asshole. He hadn't hated Greg Stevens, he had been jealous of him. He had been jealous of the possibility of Duo dating someone and he had been an idiot to not see it sooner.
Trowa might have only realized he wanted to be with Duo after their kiss, but, at least subconsciously, he had been attracted to him much longer.
But now... now he was back and Duo had moved on.
Trowa threw his bags onto his bed and drew in a deep breath.
Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe Duo needed to move on.
Two seconds was enough for Trowa to discard that thought. He didn't want Duo to move on.
He went back into the living room and saw Duo cranking the air conditioning up.
"It'll take awhile, but things should become liveable soon," Duo said.
"Do you have any plans for tonight?"
Duo shrugged.
"Not really. I was thinking about a cold shower, but other than that..." he trailed off. "Oh, do you want me to make myself scarce so you and Ralph can -"
"No," Trowa interrupted him. "No, I just wondered if you wanted to grab dinner."
Duo arched an eyebrow.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I haven't seen you in months. Plus, it's Saturday..."
Duo's eyes narrowed.
"I thought we said we'd never go back."
"We did. We also said that the last last time we went."
Duo licked his lips slowly, as though considering the suggestion.
"Do you really think it's a good idea?"
"No, I think it's a terrible idea. A delicious, terrible idea that we're going to regret all day tomorrow."
"Hmmm. We can spend the day playing Halo while we recover..."
Trowa nodded.
Duo sighed.
"Alright. Just give me twenty minutes while I shower."
Trowa spent the time unpacking.
Even though it was still sweltering, it felt good to be back in the apartment.
As soon as exams had ended in May he had taken the train home to spend three weeks with Catharine before meeting Mags and Kurt in New York and flying to Paris. They had spent all of June and July backpacking across the continent, and Trowa had only returned two weeks ago. He had spent that time with Catharine, working at the restaurant and trying to restore the dent in his savings that trying to keep up with Kurt and Mag's drinking habit had made in his savings. Duo had been right - they could drink, and they seemed to have the dual goals of having sex in every illicit place they could think of and getting drunk in every bar they stumbled across.
Trowa had enjoyed himself, but he had found himself wishing time and again that Duo were there. Now that he was home, now that he had seen Duo again - it hit him even harder.
Duo had been part of his life for two years, and the thought of losing that was unfathomable.
"Ready to go?"
Duo, clean and dressed in the shirt, was standing in his bedroom doorway.
Trowa shook his head at the sight.
"You've still got it."
"Hell yeah I do - I earned this thing."
They walked the half mile to Captain Steve's and Duo threw open the doors to the dive restaurant like he owned the place.
"Let's do this," he said to the waitress.
She looked at him like he was crazy, and he gestured to his shirt.
Her eyes widened.
"Oh! It's you!"
Duo turned to Trowa with a smirk.
"You see, I'm a legend."
"I think the word you're looking for is nightmare."
The waitress led them to a booth and Duo slid in with a contented sigh.
Trowa sat down across from him.
"Alright... what's your goal?"
Trowa hesitated.
"I'm out of practice," he said with a shrug. "I don't want to overdo it."
Duo scoffed.
"Overdo it? It's like riding a bike - once you start, you just keep going and going and going."
The waitress came back to take their orders.
"Water for me," Duo said.
"Me too."
"And for dinner? Or do you need a few minutes?" She asked.
Duo again pointed to his shirt.
"The same for me," Trowa said.
The waitress rolled her eyes and walked away.
Ten minutes later she came back carrying two steaming plates of crab legs.
"Here you go - two orders of all you can eat crab legs."
Duo cracked his knuckles.
"You ready to do this?"
Trowa nodded.
Duo held out the claw shaped crackers and Trowa reached up to tap them with his own.
"Then Begin!" Duo said in his best Mortal Kombat impersonation.
Two hours later, Duo admitted defeat.
"I can't do it. How the hell did I ever eat twelve pounds?" He groaned and held his stomach in pain.
"I have no idea. Shouldn't your yoga be helping you - stretching out your stomach or whatever?"
"No," Duo moaned. "It's not helping me at all."
The waitress came back.
"Another round?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice.
Duo shook his head, his face twisted in agony.
"No thanks," Trowa managed.
"And here I was thinking you were a legend," she said.
Duo glared.
"I was," he assured her. "Back in my youth - I ate twelve pounds in one hour. I ate all I could eat," he quoted the shirt he was wearing.
They had discovered Captain Steve's during their spring semester freshmen year and had spent the last two years going there once every two months to attempt the 'All You Can Eat Crab Legs Challenge' - if you ate more than the previous record your meal was free and you got a shirt, covered in dancing crabs with the words "I Ate All I Could Eat" on it. Duo had won last January, the same Saturday they returned from winter break.
Trowa had never even come close - he had managed five pounds, once, but never come close to Duo's seemingly bottomless stomach.
"Well, in that case, here's your check."
She laid it down on the table and Duo snagged it before Trowa even came close.
"It's on me," he said.
"Thanks."
"Anytime. And by anytime, I mean never again."
The walk back home was sedate - they were both painfully full and it had cooled off just enough to be almost pleasant.
"So how was Europe?" Duo asked him.
They hadn't spoken much while eating - Duo took crab legs very seriously.
"It was great. Kurt and Mags didn't get us arrested or deported."
Duo chuckled.
"I'm happy for you and disappointed in them at the same time. I got the postcards you sent - did you like the Louvre?"
Trowa nodded.
"It was great, but it would have been better with you there. I kept wanting to know the story behind each of the paintings, but the curators got snarky when they heard my American accent."
"Which painting was your favorite?"
"I have to pick just one?" Trowa thought about it. "I liked The Raft of the Medusa."
Duo smiled slightly.
"I knew you would."
"It was so much bigger than I thought it would be - I remember you showing it to me in one of your books. But in real life...it was... I don't know. So much darkness but the light - it was like the sun was really struggling to come out of the clouds. It was incredible."
"What about Ralph? What did he think of it?"
"He wasn't there."
"Really? He passed up the chance to go to the Louvre?"
"No, he didn't go to Europe with us."
Duo frowned.
"Why not?"
Trowa drew in a deep breath and decided to just spit it out.
"We broke up, right after spring break."
Duo's jaw dropped.
"How - why - what the hell happened? Why didn't you say anything? Are you okay? What did he do? Did he cheat on you? I swear to God I will kick his ass if -"
"Duo, no. Nothing like that."
Duo's anger filled Trowa with warmth. It felt good, knowing Duo cared about him that much. Even though he didn't deserve it.
"Then what the hell happened?" Duo repeated. "You two were perfect together."
"No, we weren't. We were... we were good," Trowa decided. "And Ralph is an amazing guy - and I hope he finds someone equally amazing, but it's not me."
"Trowa, you are an amazing guy."
"So are you."
Duo snorted.
"Yeah, well, I'm not really Ralph's type. Jesus, I can't believe you didn't say anything! I feel like such an ass."
"Don't. There was nothing you could have done and besides, you had a lot to deal with."
Duo shook his head.
"Still, I should have been there for you." He suddenly slapped a hand over his face. "That's why you kept calling me, wasn't it? And I just ignored you and never called you back. Trowa - I am such a jerk."
"Duo, you aren't a jerk. And that wasn't why I was calling." It was on the tip of his tongue to just confess everything, but Trowa hesitated. He knew Duo - as much as Duo might have spent the last two years wanting to be with Trowa, he had also wanted Trowa and Ralph to be happy together. Duo would only feel guilty if he knew that kissing Trowa had been the reason for their breakup.
Duo shook his head.
"Still - I won't ignore your calls again. I've got the Yoga mind now, so I'm here for you."
Trowa swallowed hard.
"And I'm here for you."
"Good - then you can be the one to go the grocery store tomorrow and get us some Pepto-Bismal."
-o-
Hilde was the first of their group to turn twenty-one.
They met up at the Brewery to celebrate her elevated legal status. The Brewery was a restaurant and bar only a few blocks from their apartment that Duo had discovered over the summer.
"They never card," he assured Trowa as they walked with Hilde into the dark, smoky interior. "Plus, they make their own beer."
Duo waved to a few people inside, making Trowa wonder just how frequently Duo came here, and led them towards the bar.
They sat down on a cluster of empty bar stools.
"Hey there, handsome."
The bartender approached them. He looked to be in his mid to late twenties, with dark skin and a shaved head. He was smiling at Duo.
"Hello gorgeous," Duo greeted him with a similar smile.
"Carl, these are my friends - Trowa and Hilde."
Carl looked over at Trowa and held out his hand.
Trowa reluctantly shook it. He noticed that Carl's upper body filled out his tight black t-shirt in a way that suggested he spent significant time working out.
Carl moved over to Hilde, but instead of shaking her hand he kissed her knuckles. Trowa rolled his eyes but Hilde snorted a laugh.
"We're here to celebrate my twenty-first birthday," she informed Carl.
"Well, that sounds like we need some shots," Carl said.
"That's what I was thinking, too," Duo agreed. "Let's start off with some Firebombs."
While Carl mixed the shots, Trowa leaned over.
"How often do you come here?"
Duo shrugged one shoulder.
"A few nights a week during the summer - not that much now that we've started back in school... mostly just Thursday nights - you're usually meeting with one of your study groups."
Trowa eyed Carl. He tried to figure out how to ask how well Duo knew him without sounding like a jealous moron.
"Carl seems cool," he said tentatively.
Duo grinned and Trowa felt his stomach sink.
"Yeah. He's why I started coming here. We met at the yoga place."
Yoga. It was torture. Trowa would get up in the mornings and find Duo in the living room, wearing only his boxers and contorting his body into positions that had, on more than one occasion, caused Trowa to trip over the rug or run into the wall. And Carl got to see him like that twice a week at those classes. Trowa made a silent promise to start going to the gym.
Carl delivered their shots and Duo insisted on a toast before they tossed back the liquor.
"Here's to a night of debauchery!"
They did a two more shots before Kurt, Mags, Alice and a stranger showed up.
The stranger - a blonde guy with green eyes who zeroed in on Hilde and kissed her like there was no tomorrow - turned out to be Hilde's new boyfriend.
"What happened to Alex?" Trowa asked Duo.
Duo winced and leaned over so that he was whispering in Trowa's ear.
"Remember our party last semester?"
Trowa nodded. He was unlikely to ever forget it.
"And remember when Hilde forced us to kiss?"
He nodded again, grateful that Duo couldn't see his face.
"Yeah, well, Alex thought it was pretty hot... and one thing led to another and..."
"No," Trowa turned so he could see Duo.
Duo nodded, a crooked smile on his face.
"Yep. We turned him gay."
Trowa felt his lips twitch into a smile.
"I don't know how to feel about that."
"Be proud," Duo said and winked. "Our gay powers combined to conquer a straight man. Who knows - we keep this up and we could turn the whole world gay."
"Keep what up - drunkenly kissing each other?" The words were out of Trowa's mouth before he could stop them.
Duo seemed to be struggling with a response.
Hilde threw her arms around him from behind.
"Come on, our table is ready and I need beer."
She dragged Duo away and Trowa followed. The blonde guy fell into step beside him.
"I'm Roger," he said.
"Trowa. How long have you been dating Hilde?"
"A few weeks - she helped me find my way around campus on the first day of classes."
Trowa looked him over again. He didn't look eighteen.
"You're a freshmen?" He didn't bother to hide his dismay.
Roger laughed.
"No - I'm a graduate student. I'm starting my PhD work in American Studies."
"Really? I'm focusing on American history for my BA."
"Awesome," Roger smiled. "Hilde said I'd probably get along with you."
"I'm surprised she didn't tell you to threaten to kill me," Trowa muttered.
"She did mention something about you being a stupid asshole," Roger confided, "but then she said you were a great guy - so who knows..."
Dinner was great. It was the first time they had all gotten together since the start of the semester - now that they were juniors and fully absorbed in their majors it was becoming slightly more difficult to schedule time when all of them could meet up - and they spent hours talking about their summers while Hilde determinedly worked her way through the beer menu.
It was last call before Roger finally convinced Hilde she had had enough to drink, and as they all walked out of the bar Duo broke away to go talk to Carl.
"He's hot," Hilde told Trowa.
"Who?"
"Carl. Carl the hot bartender. He doesn't ignore Duo."
Trowa glared at her.
"You're the one who told me to back off and leave him alone over the summer."
"I did. But Trowa, it's October. Why haven't you said anything to him?"
He was impressed that she was this coherent, considering the amount of alcohol she had consumed.
"Because he's my best friend."
Trowa had tried, over the past weeks, to say something. He and Duo were spending more time together now - things were almost back to the way they had been before Valentine's Day. But every time he started to tell Duo he found himself thinking about last semester. Duo had been miserable, and so had Trowa.
"Hilde, if I fuck this up he's not going to be my friend anymore."
She looked at him and scowled.
"Then don't fuck it up."
He rolled his eyes.
"I'm a twenty year old guy, Hilde. I'm going to fuck it up."
"No," she insisted. "You will not fuck up Duo." She giggled. "You can fuck him, but don't fuck him up."
It was clear that the alcohol was finally kicking in.
"Hilde -"
"Trowa. Stop. It's my birthday. And since all you got me was some dumb paintbrushes -"
"Duo said that's what you wanted! I spent -"
"As I was saying," she interrupted him, "since all you got me was some dumb paintbrushes, you owe me. So go ask him out. That's what I want for my birthday."
"Hilde, no one is as drunk as you are - but I thought we agreed Duo didn't want to be the guy I hooked up with when I was drunk."
She frowned.
"Then ask him when I'm sober."
"I'll ask him when I'm sober," he corrected.
She sighed.
"Fine."
But he didn't get the chance.
The next morning Duo was gone. Trowa found on a note on the door of the fridge.
Had to leave.
-o-
Neither Trowa nor Hilde could get Duo on the phone.
For an entire week they tried calling him. They left messages but he never called back.
Hilde was convinced that Duo had run off with Carl.
Trowa, however, had walked down to the bar two nights after Hilde's birthday party and seen Carl working.
After four days Trowa called Gemma.
Duo had listed her as an emergency contact on their lease and it took Trowa a few hours to find their copy, but when he did he took a deep breath and assured himself that Gemma was just Duo's grandmother. Calling her would not be that scary.
Even if he had to tell her that Duo had gone missing.
It took nearly three minutes for someone to answer the phone.
"Hello?" It was a man's voice and it was unfamiliar to Trowa.
"Er... I'm calling for Gemma Maxwell?"
"She's not - she's not here anymore."
"Can you tell me where to reach her? I -"
His question was met with the dial tone.
Trowa had no idea what to do next. He was contemplating calling the police, but Hilde tracked him down one afternoon in the library and assured him that Duo was still alive.
"You've heard from him?"
"No, but I just spoke with Professor Remington - she said that Duo emailed her yesterday."
"And...?"
"And that was it. She gave me some crap about confidentiality and told me to get back to work."
Midterms were fast approaching, and Trowa spent the rest of the week in a daze. He tried to work on his papers and study for exams, but he kept thinking about Duo and wondering where the hell he was.
He still wasn't back the following Tuesday, and with midterms coming up at the end of the week, Trowa forced himself to accept that Duo would come back - from wherever the hell he was - when he wanted to.
He came home from classes that afternoon and decided to work on his US Economic History paper, due that Thursday.
Trowa threw his bag onto his bed and then started towards the kitchen, thinking that a cup of coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich would help him focus on his paper, but he stopped short beside the open bathroom door.
Duo was sitting in the bathtub. There was no water, and Duo was fully clothed. His face was pale and his eyes were red rimmed. It looked as though he had been crying.
"Duo?"
It took a moment for the braided man to react, but when he looked over to Trowa his eyes were completely empty.
"My mother used to do this. She used to just sit in the damn bathtub like this. I always thought it was crazy, but…" he shook his head. "Something about the porcelain. It's cold and hard."
Trowa wasn't used to Duo speaking in any style other than straightforward, and he was immediately on edge.
"I'd come home from school and find her, sitting in the bathtub in her Chanel suits, crying. God, at the end… it was like every day she'd do this."
"What happened?" Trowa didn't really know how to contribute to this conversation, but he felt the need to say something.
"She slit her wrists." Duo's lips twisted. "In the bathtub. Wearing her favorite Chanel suit."
Trowa hadn't expected that answer and he regretted opening his mouth.
Duo sighed.
"I never really got it, you know? But she was in so much pain, all the time, and she was so sad. I guess sometimes… sometimes you need a knife to stop the bleeding, right?"
Trowa was disturbed to hear Duo speak about suicide so candidly, but even more disturbed by the fact that he seemed to empathize with what he was saying.
He could count on one hand the number of times Duo had been anything less than upbeat – and nothing had ever come close to what he was seeing now.
Depression just didn't suit Duo.
Trowa toed off his shoes and climbed into the tub, sitting at the opposite end from Duo. He was grateful, for perhaps the first time ever, that their ancient apartment had an equally ancient free-standing bathtub and that the tap was in the center of the tub instead of at the front.
He crossed his legs, but even so his feet overlapped with Duo's. The braided man didn't seem to mind, in fact he stretched his legs out a bit, forcing his toes under Trowa's heels.
"Where have you been for the last week?" Trowa asked after he had made himself as comfortable as possible.
"Florida. Gemma's dead. The funeral was two days ago."
"Did you get to see her, before she died?"
Duo snorted.
"Yeah, through a fucking window. That bastard wouldn't even let me…" he trailed off and stared at the tiles on the floor.
"I'm sorry," Trowa said.
Duo looked at him.
"That's what he wanted me to say. Wanted me to say how sorry I was and how wrong I was and – I just wanted to see her. I just wanted to hold her hand, one last time. Why – why can't he just let me live?"
Trowa had no idea who or what Duo was talking about.
He struggled to think of something to say, something that might comfort Duo, but all he could think of was the deaths of his own parents.
"When my parents died, the police wouldn't let Catharine or me see them. I was only twelve – but she was twenty four, they should have allowed her, but they wouldn't. Their will said they wanted to be cremated, so that's what happened. We never got to see them, never got to say goodbye."
Duo swallowed hard.
"You never talk about them."
"You never talk about your parents, either," Trowa pointed out.
Duo drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Fuck, you're closer to me than anyone else in my life aside from Hilde and I just… I hate death. I got to see my mom – I found her, in the bathtub. I'll never forget that, how cold she was, how heavy and wet. But Gemma – all those machines and the sounds, it was like one of those fucked up TV shows, but it was real. Your parents loved you, Tro, and when they were alive… I'm sure they were perfect, right? Happy and smiling and everything. You should just remember them that way – you don't have to say goodbye to that, you know? Those memories? You can keep those forever. The cops were right not to let you see them after they died. A body… it isn't a person. It's just empty."
Part of Trowa resented the fact that Duo felt the need to dispense advice for how to cope with the death of his parents, but another part of him could envision Duo finding his mother's body and trying to hold it – cold and heavy and wet – and he could almost understand what Duo was trying to say.
"How old were you, when your mother died?"
"Nine."
"What do you need?" Trowa asked, thinking that this – sitting in a bathtub and dredging up bad memories – surely wasn't helping.
Duo scrubbed at his face with the back of his hands.
"A drink. A few drinks, actually."
Trowa nodded and got up from the bathtub.
"Let's go to the Brewery," he suggested. He figured he could spend a few hours drinking with Duo and still be able to sit down tonight and write his annotated bibliography and the prospectus for his paper before class in the morning.
"Yeah, okay."
Duo got up and stretched, the wince on his face making it clear he had been sitting in the tub for a long time.
"You have to change though," Trowa added as he looked over Duo's rumpled clothing. "I can't be seen in public with you looking like that."
Duo's lips actually twitched upwards into a slight grin.
-o-
Trowa's usual hide in the library until the end of midterms tactics had to be put on hold.
After that first night Duo spent all of his time either in the art studio, the library, or the Brewery.
Hilde and Trowa negotiated patrol duty - she would keep an eye on him while he was at the studio and the bar and Trowa would check on him at the library and at home.
He was sure Duo was aware of their system - he and Hilde were practically treating him like a suicide risk - but Duo didn't seem to care about anything other than his work and drinking himself into a stupor every night.
Hilde confessed that Duo didn't talk to her much - not at the studio or at the bar - and that his paintings, always on the darker side, gave a whole new definition to the word morbid.
Trowa woke up earlier than usual in the mornings in order to study and work on his papers more, but he was the only one awake. Duo had seemingly given up on his morning yoga workouts.
He wasn't eating much either, despite the fact that Trowa had the pantry stocked with Duo's favorite junk food and the fridge with his favorite fruit.
Duo seemed to have lost all interest in everything that wasn't his schoolwork.
Midterms ended and Trowa had no idea how he had done - his papers were nowhere near as well researched as his usually were, but he felt good enough about the tests themselves.
On Friday night, when most of the student population was celebrating the survival of midterms - or mourning their defeat - Trowa tracked Duo down at the art studio.
Just like that night freshmen year, Duo was alone in the studio, painting on an easel in the back and listening to music on his iPod.
Trowa came armed with Duo's favorite Jersey Mike's sandwich and a bottle of Dr. Pepper - it had taken him more than two years, but he had finally convinced Duo it was the best soft drink.
He put the meal on the table near Duo's belongings and approached him.
Hilde had been right - Duo's painting went beyond morbid.
The canvas was fairly large - at least four feet long and more than two feet tall - and taking up most of the real estate was the ghostly pale face of a porcelain doll. The surface of the doll's face was covered in thin lines. Trowa at first thought they were wrinkles, but the more he looked at it he realized that they were fractures. The doll was broken.
Duo was currently working on a large, dark shadow under the doll's head. Even though it was a dark, almost black violet, the shadow looked like a pool of blood.
As Duo stepped back for a moment to look over the work Trowa stepped forward, into his line of sight.
Duo was startled - but at least he didn't jump or drop his paint.
"I didn't hear you come in," Duo said and removed his headphones.
Trowa shrugged.
"I didn't want to risk you spilling paint again."
Duo smiled, a ghost of his usual expression.
"I brought you dinner."
Duo shook his head.
"Nah, I'm not hungry."
"Still, you're not eating."
Duo arched an eyebrow.
"Shouldn't you be off celebrating surviving midterms with Kurt and Mags?"
"They decided to have a private celebration, plus, I'm where I want to be."
Duo gave him a long look but eventually gave in.
He put down his painting tools, wiped his hands off on his jeans, and picked up the sandwich. He didn't unwrap it yet, but Trowa counted it as a minor victory that Duo was even touching it.
"What are you doing for fall break?" Trowa asked him.
Duo shrugged one shoulder.
"Work in the studio."
"You're not going anywhere?"
Duo shook his head.
"Nowhere to go."
"I'll stick around," Trowa offered. He knew Catharine would be disappointed, but Thanksgiving wasn't too far off.
"No, go home. Be with your sister."
"I need to start working on my thesis paper, anyway." Trowa looked around the studio. "I could probably hang out in here with you - these tables are huge, I could spread out my books and -"
"You don't have to do that," Duo interrupted him, his voice raw. "You and Hilde do not have to babysit me. I can function just fine on my own."
"We know you can function," Trowa assured him. "I know you can focus on your work - and your drinking - but you can't just hide from everything by doing that. You're running away from all of us and I get that you're hurting, but this - is this really helping?"
Duo's throat worked and he seemed to be struggling with himself.
"I can't stop. I can't think about it, Trowa. If I'm not working or drinking then it's too easy to remember and I can't - I can't do it."
"Duo, you loved Gemma. She deserves to be remembered. Not remembering her isn't going to make it hurt any less - you're just prolonging it."
"And you would know, huh?" Duo asked.
"Yeah. I do know. When my parents died, I didn't talk to Catharine for a month. Every time she tried to bring them up - or do what they did or take us somewhere we'd been with them - it was like torture for me. All I wanted to do was pretend it had never happened - pretend that they were coming back or that they had never existed at all, and she wouldn't let me do it. It just hurt, all the time, because every time I tried not to think about them I thought about how alone I was."
Duo swallowed hard.
"You had Catharine," he pointed out.
"I know. At first it didn't seem like it mattered - and looking back I wish I hadn't been such an asshole to her. She loved me and she was just trying to help - and she had lost her parents, too."
"She was it, Trowa. Gemma was the one person who loved me - despite me being the total fuck up that I am. Gemma always thought I was her perfect grandson and now... She was it. And if I stop and think about that - if I think about the future and how fucking empty it is... I can't handle it. I know it's messed up to be thinking about myself and - but Jesus, I'm so alone."
"Duo, you are not alone. I know I'm not Gemma, but I'm here for you. And you aren't a total fuck up. Not even close. Gemma thought you were perfect because you are this amazing person. She threatened me the first time we met and at the time all I could think of was how crazy she had to be - but she was right. She told me that I wasn't good enough for you and she was right. She knew it, and I know it."
Duo abandoned the sandwich and drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.
"I'm not perfect and I'm not amazing. You know my Dad - he was there."
Duo had never once mentioned his father, and Trowa had always assumed that he, like Duo's mother, had died when Duo was young and that he had been raised by Gemma.
"He knows what a fuckup I am. He wouldn't let me in the room to be with her. He told me it was family only and I sure as hell wasn't family." Duo shook his head. "And Solo just stood there - just stood there and looked at me like he didn't even know me. But they know me, they both know me. All of my life I've just been this colossal disappointment and I'm sure they thought they would never have to see me again. I always thought Gemma was crazy for picking me."
"Gemma was smart, she picked the best one," Trowa said. He still had no idea who Solo was, but it didn't matter. The idea that Duo had a father who would keep him from saying goodbye to Gemma, who would turn him away like that - it filled Trowa with anger. No wonder Duo never spoke about him. No wonder Duo was a shell of a person these days.
Duo laughed, but his voice was thick with unshed tears.
"You should come home with me over Thanksgiving," Trowa decided. "Catharine would love to see you. She always asks about you."
Duo sniffed back tears.
"That's because she thinks I'm hot."
"Undoubtedly."
He put the sandwich back in Duo's hands.
"Eat. Then let's go home."
-o-
November went by quickly.
Duo finally started doing yoga again, and the colder weather meant he wore sweatpants and a t-shirt, which Trowa was both grateful and mournful for.
Things weren't back to normal, not that Trowa expected them to be, but Duo started to spend time at the apartment again and meeting up with their group for dinner or a night at the bar.
Duo smiled more, but Trowa would look at him sometimes and see how sad and miserable he still was. He had no idea how to help him - it was clear that Duo was battling the loss of Gemma, but that her death - and Duo's father - had opened up old wounds that Duo had tried to bury.
It made Trowa start to wonder how much of the Duo he knew - carefree and raucous - was the real Duo and how much Duo had always struggled with these issues.
He was grateful that Duo didn't try to talk his way out of coming home with Trowa for the Thanksgiving Break. As soon as Trowa had told Catharine about it she had started planning the menu for that week - she had been pestering Trowa to bring Duo home for years, and knowing that he had just lost Gemma only fueled her desire.
Catharine had only met Duo a handful of times - but the two of them got along frighteningly well. Duo always flirted with her and Catharine teased him, and the last time they had met - when Catharine had driven down to take Trowa out for his birthday last March - they had even teamed up to give Trowa a hard time.
So he wasn't surprised that the first thing Catharine did when she picked them up at the train station was to completely ignore him and enfold Duo in a hug.
The gesture seemed to take him completely by surprise, and he stood there awkwardly. It reminded Trowa of the time when he had hugged Duo, freshmen year.
Duo looked just as uncomfortable now as he had then. Trowa thought about it, and he realized that he had never seen Duo hug anyone - not even Hilde. Hilde put her arms around Duo's neck, often from behind and often when she was drunk, but she never actually hugged him.
"Okay, okay. I know it's cold but I can't keep you warm forever," Duo said and Catharine pulled away.
"Well, let's get you boys home before the snow starts," Catharine said to cover the awkward moment.
"Snow?" Duo looked up at the dark sky.
"Yeah, the forecast is calling for two feet."
"Two feet? Of snow?" Duo looked at Trowa. "You brought me up here so I would die in a blizzard, didn't you?"
Trowa rolled his eyes and grabbed their bags.
"Stop being so melodramatic. Two feet of snow is not a blizzard. We get that in the spring."
-o-
While not a blizzard, they did get almost three feet of snow overnight.
Duo, who slept on the couch under four blankets while wearing three sweaters and two pairs of sweatpants, seemed equally horrified and enchanted by the landscape the next morning.
Catharine made them a late breakfast and ate with them before heading out to the restaurant.
"I'll be home around ten," she told Trowa. "So you're on your own for dinner, but I've got tomorrow off so I expect both of you to help me out in the kitchen."
"I don't think you want me anywhere near a kitchen," Duo said. "Trowa's shown me how to boil stuff, but that's the extent of my culinary ability."
"Well, then it's time a real chef taught you some skills," Catharine decided.
As Catharine got ready to leave she turned to Trowa.
"And you remember what to do if a bear tries to get in, right?"
Duo's eyes grew comically wide.
"Bears? There are bears here?"
Catharine nodded solemnly.
"Oh yes. But don't worry - if one comes close to the door just do exactly what Trowa tells you. We've only ever had two get in before. I'm sure you will be fine."
Duo continued to look horrified for another thirty seconds, but then he scowled.
"It's November. Even if there were bears, they would be hibernating."
Catharine smirked.
"Still - I had you going."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Pick on the guy who grew up at the beach. Laugh it up and enjoy your blizzard."
They spent the rest of the morning watching television, but by the middle of the afternoon both were bored with the daytime programming.
"Want to go for a walk?" Trowa suggested.
Duo gave him a look.
"About as much as I'd like to spend the winter in Alaska."
Trowa rolled his eyes.
"You are such a baby about the cold. Come on."
Duo reluctantly got up and put on another few layers of clothing. Trowa gave him a pair of gloves and a toboggan. He watched Duo put it on and had to fight a smile. Duo looked adorable. There was no other word for it.
"What?" Duo asked when he caught Trowa staring.
"Nothing."
Duo's eyes narrowed.
"Tell me."
"Nothing. You just look adorable."
"Adorable?"
Trowa nodded.
"Yeah, cute. Like -"
"Like a baby duck. Baby ducks are cute. I am not cute. I hate cute. I'm exotic and mysterious." Duo pulled the hood of his jacket on over the toboggan. "Are we going to do this thing or what?"
Trowa forced himself not to laugh and instead followed Duo out into the snow.
They walked around the neighborhood, Duo sullen and silent while Trowa tried to block out the mental image of Duo freaking out over being called cute. It reminded him of Duo's reaction to the football players trying to feel him up in the showers when they lived on campus.
About a mile from the house they came across a group of kids building a fort out of the snow.
"You people are so weird," Duo muttered. "Why would you spend your time out here, freezing your asses off, to build a fort?"
"So you can have a snowball fight," Trowa reasoned.
"Right, because throwing snow at each other sounds like a hell of a lot of fun."
As if his words had summoned it, a snowball suddenly came out of nowhere and hit Duo square in the chest.
Duo looked shocked for a moment, but then his eyes narrowed and he bent down and angrily started to scoop up snow.
"Which one of them threw that?" he demanded.
"I think it was the kid in the red jacket."
Duo stood up and took off, sprinting towards the kid without thought of falling in the snow and then pelting the kid with the sloppy snowball.
Predictably, Duo's actions started a war.
They soon found themselves on one side of the fort with the rest of the kids on the other.
Trowa didn't have much experience with snowball fights - too often, growing up, the fights were broken up quickly after someone packed their snowballs with rocks - but he was surprised by how easily Duo adapted and started strategizing.
"We need more ammo - you start making snowballs while I draw their fire," Duo instructed him.
"What?"
"You heard me. There's no way I'm getting my ass handed to me by these noobs."
"Should I start calling you Master Chief?" Trowa asked, amused that their Halo time had someone inspired Duo to take on the army of kids ready to pelt them with cold, snowy death.
"Yeah - sure as hell beats you calling me cute."
They managed to hold the kids off for a good chunk of time - Duo kept them busy while Trowa made enough snowballs to put up a good offensive, and then they worked together to attack.
The tide started to turn, however, when the sister of one of the kids joined in. Her aim was deadly and Duo and Trowa had to constantly duck to avoid being pummeled.
They started to run out of snowballs, and as Trowa reached for one of the last ones he collided with Duo.
They fell back into the snow and Trowa landed on top of Duo.
The braided man grinned up at him, his cheeks and nose flushed with the cold. He looked happy, really happy, for the first time in months. Trowa grinned back, feeling an acute sense of relief. He reached down to brush snow out of Duo's bangs, but the other man grabbed his wrist and used it to pull Trowa against him.
Duo wrapped his other hand around Trowa's neck and leaned upwards to capture his lips in a firm kiss.
Despite the chill of Duo's lips, his mouth was hot and when Trowa opened his lips, the sensation of Duo's tongue touching his was almost scalding. He opened his mouth wider and tried to taste Duo and draw in his warmth and happiness. It felt amazing and right and –
A snowball impacted with the side of his head.
Trowa pulled back and was instantly hit with another, this one landing square on his nose and aside from being absolutely freezing, it fucking hurt.
Duo fared no better – he too was quickly assaulted by a succession of snowballs from the screaming kids.
"I think we should retreat," Duo suggested.
Trowa nodded in agreement and rose to his feet just as another wave of snowballs were launched in their direction.
Duo jumped up and together they started sprinting away from the fort and the children. But the children chased them, armed with snowballs and youthful energy. They dogged Duo and Trowa until they made it back to Catharine's house and Trowa slammed the door just as three snowballs impacted with it.
"Fucking hell, you Yankees are hardcore about snowball fights!" Duo panted breathlessly and then groaned. "God, I'm soaked and freezing and –"
"Whining, as usual," Trowa interjected.
Duo glared at him.
"Come on," Trowa led Duo towards the laundry room and started to strip out of his clothing. Years of experience and Catharine yelling at him for dripping on the floors had taught Trowa to immediately strip out of wet clothes and not even attempt to go upstairs to change.
Duo regarded him warily as Trowa discarded his boots, gloves, jacket and started to unzip his jeans.
"You said you were wet," Trowa pointed out.
"Yeah, and cold," Duo argued.
"You're just going to stay wet and cold if you keep those clothes on."
Trowa pulled off his jeans and started to lift the hem of his turtleneck. He noticed Duo's eyes riveted on his body and a surge of lust and adrenaline filled him.
"But I'm going to be cold if I take them off. I'm from California – I don't run around naked in the winter."
Trowa tossed his shirt aside and reached for the waistband of his boxers. He arched an eyebrow at Duo.
"I promise I can warm you up a lot faster naked than I can with you like that," he offered.
Duo was undressed in seconds and Trowa stepped over the pile of their soggy clothes, pulled Duo against him, and for the first time, Trowa kissed Duo.
He buried his hands in Duo's hair, even though it was wet and cold, and pressed his entire body against Duo's, desperate for heat and contact.
It felt amazing – better than the kiss in the snow, better than their drunken kiss last semester for Hilde's benefit. Better than any kiss Trowa had experienced in the last three years.
Duo nipped at his lower lip and Trowa groaned at the sensation.
Duo pulled away enough to grin at him.
"So, this whole warming me up thing… did it involve just standing here kissing or did you have something else in mind?"
Trowa took hold of Duo's hand and pulled the other man after him up the stairs, down the hall, and into his bedroom.
Trowa pulled the blanket off the bed and wrapped it around the two of them, trapping their bodies together.
Duo walked them backwards until they fell on the bed and kissed him again.
Trowa ran his hands over Duo's lean body, finally able to touch him and revel in the feel of his taunt muscles.
"If this is the way you always get warm, no wonder you like the cold so much," Duo said, pulling back just enough to start kissing his way across Trowa's jaw and down his neck.
"This is definitely a first for me," Trowa assured him. "But you just looked so cute."
Duo stopped kissing him and glared.
"There is absolutely nothing cute about me."
Trowa arched an eyebrow.
"What about -"
"No. Nothing."
Duo shifted his hips and Trowa moaned at the sensation.
"You're right," he agreed when Duo did it again. Baby ducks were now the furthest thing from Trowa's mind.
Duo smirked and kissed him.
Trowa rolled them over so that he was on top of Duo and he loosened the blanket enough so that he could start to explore his body.
He trailed kisses down Duo's torso, tasting his skin and enjoying the tautness of Duo's body.
As he neared Duo's abs the braided man pulled away from him with a sound that was between a giggle and a moan.
Trowa looked up.
"Are you ticklish?"
"No," Duo insisted, but the way he held his side seemed to indicate differently.
"You are. How did I never know this?"
"Probably because we've never done this before?" Duo suggested and shied away when Trowa reached for his stomach.
Trowa couldn't help but smirk.
"So what else have you been hiding from me?" He leaned down and kissed Duo again.
Duo returned the kiss, but Trowa could sense a shift in his mood. He sat back.
"About that hiding things from you thing," Duo said uneasily.
Trowa felt a moment of panic. He knew, from one of Duo's many rants freshmen year, that Duo always practiced safe sex - he flat out refused to sleep with people who didn't wear condoms - but maybe something had happened? Maybe he had -
"I've wanted to do this - to be with you - for a while now."
Trowa sagged in relief.
"Me too," Trowa confided, happy to finally be able to tell Duo that, especially since things were finally heading in a good direction.
Duo looked confused.
"Since when?"
"I didn't really start to think about it until we kissed last semester, but I'm pretty sure I've been attracted to you since freshmen year."
Duo stared at him in mute shock and then he shook his head.
"Please tell me that kiss wasn't the reason you broke up with Ralph."
Trowa hesitated and Duo swore.
"Fuck me! Are you serious? Trowa - I never wanted to come between you two! You and Ralph were perfect together! It was just one kiss - I never should have -"
"Duo, that one kiss was better than anything I'd ever experienced with Ralph."
"I'm seriously the reason you two broke up," Duo said, seemingly having a hard time understanding. "Trowa - do you have any idea how stupid that is? It was one kiss and we were drunk - you probably remembered the alcohol more than the actual feeling of kissing me!"
"Are you going to tell me that I'm still drunk then? Because kissing you today has been even more amazing - this - this is what I've been dreaming about for months now."
"Trowa - do you have any idea how screwed up I am? Ralph loved you - and you loved him! You can't just throw something like that away because you kissed me."
Duo was up on his feet now, pacing in front of the bed.
"Why the hell did you never tell me?"
"Because I knew this would happen," Trowa sighed. "And I have no idea why you're blaming yourself - I'm the one who made the decision. It isn't like you tried to get me to break up with him."
"I wanted to," Duo mumbled. "I wanted to but I tried to stay the hell away because you were happy with him."
"Duo, I want to be with you."
Duo sat back down on the bed with his back to Trowa.
"Then why didn't you say anything? You broke up with him eight months ago."
"Timing," Trowa said bitterly. "I wanted to know we were still friends first - and then I was scared that this might not work out and it would ruin our friendship - and then Gemma died."
"This probably won't work out," Duo agreed. "With my track record, I'm bound to screw it up. And then you -" He looked back at Trowa. "Trowa, I can't lose you, too."
Trowa swallowed hard and nodded.
"Okay," he said and tried to make a joke. "No more naked warming up time."
Duo didn't smile.
-o-
The rest of the weekend was more than a little awkward.
They didn't ignore each other, but suddenly every look and gesture felt charged with tension. Trowa caught Duo looking at him more than a few times, a sad, wistful expression on his face, and Trowa was sure he looked at Duo the same way.
Catharine forced them to spend Friday playing board games with her and she beat them at everything - a first considering how competitive Trowa usually was.
On Saturday morning she cornered Trowa in the kitchen while Duo was still sleeping and demanded to know what was going on.
"Nothing," he assured her.
"Really? Because it feels like the two of you have been fighting."
"We haven't. We just... made a decision and it's going to take some getting adjusted to."
Catharine searched his face.
"He finally told you he likes you and you turned him down," she guessed.
Trowa really didn't want to talk about it, not yet and not with Duo only a room away.
"He thinks it's better for us to be friends," he said, the shortest explanation he could come up with.
Catharine sighed.
"And I think the both of you are idiots."
"Yeah, well, that's nothing new."
Catharine drove them to the train station early the next morning, taking the time to hug Duo and whisper something to him that had him staring after her with a strange expression on his face.
Trowa thought about asking him what Catharine had said, but as soon as they were situated on the train Duo predictably fell asleep.
When they arrived back in Chapel Hill it was almost ten at night, and both of them were irritable from so long on the train and navigating through train stations. They skipped dinner and went straight back to the apartment.
As Trowa lay in bed that night, unable to sleep, he couldn't help but think that this was a mistake.
He wanted Duo's friendship, but he didn't want this distance between them. It had only been a few days, and Trowa assumed that things would go back to normal over time- but what if they didn't? Last semester Duo had gone months without really being around - and he might still be avoiding Trowa if he hadn't dragged him to Captain Steve's that first Saturday night.
Trowa didn't want to go another five months without his best friend.
He also didn't want to stop thinking about Duo as more than a friend.
Finally, Trowa got out of bed, thinking that shooting some Grunts for a few hours would help him figure out what to do.
He opened the door to his bedroom and ran into Duo.
They stared at each other for a moment, and then Duo scratched the back of his neck.
"I was just going to play Halo," Duo said.
"Me too."
"You go ahead," Duo said and took a step back.
"No, you -"
"We are not going to stand here and argue about this," Duo muttered.
"Co-op?" Trowa suggested.
Duo held his gaze for a long moment, searching for something.
"I've got a better idea," Duo said.
Trowa didn't know who moved first, but suddenly they were kissing again and Trowa knew there was no way they were going to pretend they could just go back to being friends after this.
-o-
TBC