Writers confessions: I may have shed a tear or two while writing this chapter...
As they enter the house, Liam gently eases Steffy onto the couch.
"Hey beautiful, can I get you anything? How is your pain?"
"Hey mother hen, stop fussing for a moment and just come and sit with me." Liam promptly stops fussing and Steffy slowly leans forward allowing Liam to slip behind her on the couch. Liam gently wraps his arms around her and places his hands on top of hers lacing their fingers together on their small bump.
"You really scared me tonight... before I discovered the pregnancy test in your purse my heart was pounding out of my chest, but once I saw that little white stick, I was so worried I was going to lose more than just you. Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"
"Honestly Liam, I had only just found out, I took the test at Forrester and when I went to find you I overheard Ivy declaring her unwavering love for you... I freaked out, personally I was worried we were about to have a Hope2.0 series of events and I was not about to let Ivy get in the way of us and our family. So I decided to go visit her at granddads house. I never thought that it would end this way. I just wanted to tell her to stay away, that there were things going on in yours and my life that she was not aware of... meaning our little baby. I never thought she would push me down a flight of stairs. I would never put out baby in danger like that... you believe me don't you."
"I know you wouldn't harm our baby or in this case babies. Now what do you say to a nice hot bath?"
"That sounds like heaven... but only if you join me! Please don't make it too hot!"
"Whatever my lady wants, my lady gets." Liam responds while raising his eyebrows at Steffy.
"Lucky all I want right now is to soak in that bath with the man of my dreams, the father of my children."
Liam disappears to go and run the bath while Steffy sits on the couch contemplating the night's events. Liam suddenly startles Steffy from her thoughts.
"Hey, where were you just then? You seemed like you were on another planet."
"Hmm, sorry I was just thinking about everything that happened tonight! It's a lot to process!"
"Well how about we start processing it together, in that bath?"
"That sounds perfect."
Liam and Steffy slowly make their way into the bathroom where Liam helps Steffy to remove the scrubs she is currently wearing. It is at this time they both notice the large, purple bruises that are starting to mark Steffy's body.
"Oh baby, I am so sorry this happened to you!"
"Hey! It is not your fault any more than it is mine! Now be a good Fiancé and her your pregnant almost wife into the tub!"
"Yes Ma'am"
Once the pair are comfortably settled in the bath, with Steffy leaning against Liam's chest Steffy starts to open up about what she went through earlier that night.
"Can I tell you something about tonight and you promise not to think I am crazy?"
"You can always tell me things no matter how crazy you think you are going to sound. After all you wouldn't be MY Steffy without a dash of crazy!"
"Hey be nice, remember I am carrying your children!" She states while elbowing him in the ribs.
"I know and I love you even more for that!"
The conversation lulls as Steffy slides slightly deeper into the bath and leans more against Liam making Liam assume she has fallen asleep again.
Out of nowhere Steffy whispers,
"She came to me tonight..."
"Who came baby?"
"Aspen... When I was unconscious, on the stairs it was odd. It was as if I was having this out of body experience. I could see you and Ivy, but I could not clearly make out what you were saying. All of a sudden, I had this feeling that someone was holding my hand. I, I looked down and, and she was there, with me, holding my hand. She kept telling me that 'they needed me, daddy needed me' and that 'Aunty Phoebe and Grandma Kelly were taking good care of her'. Oh Liam, I wish you could have seen her, she is so beautiful and her eyes, they were the same colour as mine... but they gave me that exact some look you are giving me now. They were... they were overflowing with love I could see deep down into her soul. Love for me, love for her perfect daddy and love her for her brother and sister. I am convinced Liam we have one of each cooking in here!"
"Oh baby, I wish I could have met her too." Liam quietly states, knowing Steffy needs to get this out.
"She, she doesn't blame me... for her not making it into this world. She kept telling me that 'I wasn't meant to be, mummy, that Aunt Phoebe and Grandma Kelly needed her more' and that 'we needed to find our way first'. Having her there was so bitter sweet, for so long now all I have wanted to do was hold her in my arms and let her know that Mummy and Daddy love her so very much and that we miss her every single day, and never let her go. It was so bizarre Liam, one minute I am standing there holding our little girl and the next she is whispering to me that she 'loves us all', that it is 'time for her to go back to Aunt Phoebe and Grandma Kelly' and I had to say goodbye to her all over again. Liam I got to hold our baby girl in my arms only to lose her again." Steffy sobs breaking down completely at the end of her story.
"Oh my darling, I... I... don't know what to say. A small part of me is ever so jealous that you got to see her and hold her in your arms, to kiss her sweet little face, but another part of me realises that even after all this time, that you, my love, are not the bad ass bitch the world thinks you are. You are a soft, caring gentle soul and it is in times like this I am reminded that you are not as strong as you want the world to think you are, that every now and then, you still need me to just hold you and let you know how much I love you. I know deep down that you needed to have that moment with our princess. You needed it to be able to move forward. You needed it so that you could enjoy every single moment of this pregnancy, without living in fear. Most of all I now know that our little girl is in safe hands, two women who are very special to us love her and she knows it. And knowing all this makes not having her in our lives every single day, that much more bearable."
"So Mum, Phoebe thank you for taking care of our little girl, it means the world to us!" Liam states while looking towards the ceiling.
Together they sit in a tight embrace until the bath water goes cold.
"What do you say we get out of here and get dressed...? I will even let you wear that pair of my sweatpants that you don't think I know you borrow when I am out of town on business!"
"You're not supposed to know about that! I'm sorry they are just so comfy and smell like you so in a way it's like you are still here, holding me close. Anyway, like you are one to talk... I know you take my shirt that was once yours, away with you!"
"Haha, you worked that out hey! What can I say; I don't sleep well when you are not with me!"
"Hmmm, I might have to have a conversation with both your bosses... Mumma can't have Daddy away all the time anymore after all who is going to go and get her peanut butter ice-cream at 3 in the morning."
"I am sure Grandpa Bill will be fine will keeping me based in LA, anything to keep his daughter in law happy. My other boss on the other hand, she may not be so forgiving. I may have to sweet talk that one; it may take some serious negotiations. She is a real ball breaker in the boardroom!"
"I am sure you can convince her. Maybe persuade her with your good looks and kissing techniques... I know they would work on any hot blooded woman let alone the president of Forrester Creations!"
"It seems like a lot to sacrifice, but if it's what you want, if it will make you happy, I'll do it!"
By now both Steffy and Liam are back in their room and dressed in his sweatpants and loose fitting tops. Steffy's bruising has continued to develop and she is still in a lot of discomfort.
"Baby, maybe it is time to take some Tylenol, Dr Caspery did say it was perfectly safe for the babies and we have tried using heat. Please, you know I hate to see you hurting."
"You're not going to stop are you?"
"For once in our lives together, you, Miss Independent, are going to do as I ask!"
"Okay fine, get me the darn pills! Ooooh can you make me a hot chocolate to go with it, I really feel like one?"
"And so it begins! You know I would not trade your crazy pregnancy demands for the world though, right? No matter how crazy they get, I will still love you." Liam states while dropping a kiss onto Steffy's head
"You better! Hey come back here and give me more of that, mumma just got a new craving!"
"I think I am going to like this craving! Wait, I know I am going to love this craving!"
After her Tylenol, hot chocolate and a short snuggle session on the couch Liam queries Steffy whether she is up for a quick trip upstairs.
"How are you feeling baby? Do you think you can handle a short walk upstairs? There is something I want to share with you."
"Just don't let me fall and we will be fine!" after seeing the look on Liam's face at her statement Steffy questions "Too soon?"
"Yeah, just a tad!"
The pair slowly get from their save haven on the couch and proceed to cautiously make their way upstairs, with Liam holding Steffy the entire way.
"You know when we lost Aspen and you left for Paris, I used to find myself up here, in what we had decided would be her room, all the time." Liam quietly stated while guiding Steffy forward into an area of the house she had yet to revisit since returning 'home'.
Liam slowly opens the door to Aspens room. Steffy's mouth falls open in shock; tears start to well in her eyes.
"I would spend hours upon hours up here, sitting in that chair, just holding onto the bear we bought her the day you told me you were pregnant. I would sit here with her bear in my lap snuggling that pink knit blanket that we just had to buy because Phoebe would have loved it. That blanket carried your scent, if I close my eyes and hold it close I can still smell it! I would sit here and rock in this chair and it made me feel like I hadn't really lost you, there was a time where I would tell myself that you had just popped out to the shops or that you were just at work. Somehow, having these moments made everything more bearable... I managed to get by."
Steffy peacefully sat on Liam's lap stroking his hair and kissing his head as he continued to tell his story. She knew how important this time was for them, as a couple, they were finally grieving the loss of their child together.
"For around three weeks I would just sit here hoping and praying that you were okay. That this time apart, no matter how much it was hurting me, was helping you. That this time apart was what you needed, that it was going to help you move on. Then one day a deliveryman showed up at the door. He had YOUR crib, the one that you and Phoebe shared and I, I, took it as a sign, that I needed to do this, for me, for her, for us. I think that deep down I knew that one day you would come back to me. And a major part of me wanted to be able to share this special space with you. You are the only other person who has seen this room. No one else has stepped foot into this space, not my dad, not Katie, not Hope and nor Ivy. None of them, this door remained locked until the day you moved back in, my love. I think a small part of me wanted you to discover it on your own, I feared that you would judge me or have you think that I was trying to pressure you into trying again, that all I wanted was to replace our little princess. This has been my special space for Aspen, a place that I can visit when I want to feel close to her, when I want to wonder what her life would have been like and how she would have changed our world for the better, now, if you want it to be, it can be ours." As his story comes to an end, Liam leans forwards and kisses away the tears that are falling from Steffy's eyes.
Tearfully Steffy responds while pulling herself closer to Liam's chest, holding on for dear life. "I, I would like that. I can't believe you finished her room."
"I had to do it, for me. I had just lost my entire world. One moment everything was perfect, I was married to the woman of my dreams, my other half. We were expecting a beautiful baby girl, we both had amazing jobs and our families were behind us 100% and the next thing I know I get the worst phone call of my life... my other half had been in a tragic accident and had yet to regain consciousness. It was at the moment I knew our world was being turned upside down, that nothing was going to be the same again, honestly I think when Dr Meade told me we had lost Aspen a small part of me knew I was about to lose you too. And I didn't know how to fight for you because I didn't know what I needed let alone how I could possibly make your pain go away. So I stupidly let you slip further into that dark space and the next thing I knew, you were gone, you left for Paris. I, I was hurting so much already that when I lost you too, I lost my ability to fight for what was mine, for what really mattered to me, for what I needed in my life."
"In a matter of weeks we lost our daughter and then I lost my beautiful, stubborn, independent wife. I look back now on everything that happened and I realise that I was blinded by grief. That Hope and Brooke could have told me that the sky was now green, the grass was blue, and I would have believed them. I can only blame myself for letting you slip away from me. I was dumb, I was in pain and all I could think was 'why do I keep losing all the important women in my life'. First I lost my mother, and then Aspen and when I thought I couldn't hurt anymore that I couldn't lose anyone else, I lost you too. I lost my way in this world and I stupidly trusted Hope and Brooke to guide me on the right course. So I am sorry. I am sorry I wasn't the man you needed me to be, the husband and father I should have been. I failed you, I failed the memory of our daughter and I failed our marriage."
"Liam, you didn't fail us. I failed us. The moment I stupidly decided to ride that motorbike I failed us, I failed our daughter. I put her in harm's way. I made the choice to ride that bike that day and I had that accident. I ruined everything, our lives, our marriage, our daughter, our future. That destruction is all on me! When I woke up in that hospital bed, I may have been confused but I too knew our lives were never going to be the same. I could see the guilt in your eyes, I could feel you blaming me for losing our little girl, and I felt you closing your emotions off from me I knew I was losing you. I could tell that on some level you hated me for ruining it all."
"In my heart and soul, I wanted to be with you. I felt you were my soul mate, you are my soul mate, but with everything that had happened, I felt like it was my fault and I could not change that. I should never have gotten on that motorcycle and you had told me not to."
"So I accepted that. I made the decision that for me to get past losing her, to get past killing my baby; I needed to get away from the reminders of what should have been. I had to get out of this house, the place we were planning to bring our baby home to. These walls held way to many memories, some of them beautiful and some of them oh so very painful. I had to get away from you, not because I didn't love you, oh god I have never stopped loving you, but because I loved you too much and I couldn't handle seeing the look of pain in your eyes every single moment of every single day. I needed to escape my reality in order to stay sane. I hope you know that I left because I love you, not because I stopped loving you."
"Don't do that; don't put all out issues onto you. I was at fault too, Steffy! I shouldn't have let you go! I promised you I would follow you to the ends of the earth and I failed, so don't you dare try to shoulder all the blame for our marriage breaking down. We were both going through something that no one should ever go through, losing a child! Neither of us knew how to cope with that. We could not focus on each other because we were both too busy trying to keep it all together ourselves."
"Leaving you, saying goodbye to you, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I need you to know that I wanted you there with me, but I was just too broken. I needed to fix me before I could even contemplate fixing us. And Paris, Paris helped me to slowly put all my pieces back together, the only thing Paris couldn't do for me was give me the one piece I was missing... you."
Liam and Steffy's conversation lulls, both caught up in the memories of their past.
"I think we had to go there, we had to get to our worst so that we could come back together and be the best couple and family we can be. I know I learnt a hell of a lot about myself and how I need to love you while you were gone. That time apart taught me how to be a better man, how to be a better husband. I now know that just loving you is not enough, that it is give and take, for so long I all I was doing was taking from you and not giving you what you needed. I now know that every day I need to remind you of my unconditional love, I need to show you how much I appreciate you. I plan to do this in so many ways my love, like having a cup of hot coffee ready when you wake; spontaneous weekend getaways together; or switching off the outside world and just relaxing together, here at home. We need to take the time to celebrate us, because soon, soon it isn't going to be just us."
"You know I think you are right. Deep down on some level we needed time apart, to rediscover who we are as individuals. That way, when fate brought us back together, we would be ready, to finally have our time. This time around, we knew who we were but we also had the knowledge of what we really could become on our side. You and I, Liam Spencer the 3rd, are destined to be together. Hell there are a handful of extremely special and powerful women watching over us, making sure we get our shit together, your mum, my sister, my grandmother Stephanie but most importantly our Aspen. She wants Mummy and Daddy to be happy more than anything in this world. Luckily for her, nothing makes mummy happier than daddy... except maybe diamonds and babies, diamonds and babies make mummy pretty happy too!"
"I am so glad you shared this space with me... I know how hard it is to open up about her, especially, about losing her, about our past. So thank you for sharing this with me, with us." Steffy states while placing Liam's hands on her belly.
"What do you say Mrs Almost Spencer, shall we head down stairs to bed...? I am sure I can find a Bob Hope movie for us to watch."
"That sounds amazing right now... I'm in but only if you promise to hold me tight and never let us go!"
"I am never letting any of you go anywhere! All four of you will always be with me, right here," Liam states while placing Steffy's hand on his heart. "You, Aspen, baby A and baby B, hold my heart in your hands."
"When did you become so perfect? How did I get to be so lucky? I can't wait to be able to call you my husband! We need to pick a date and act on it soon or you're going to have the Michelin man walk down the aisle!"
"February 5th"
"What?"
"Let get married on February 5th...
"Why that date, does it hold some special meaning...?"
"It was mums birthday."
"Then it is perfect! I don't need fancy; I just need you and our families! ...Is it silly to hope that this time my dad will walk me down the aisle...? We have been married twice and he has never 'given me away', maybe, just maybe, that was the missing thing... we have our love, we have our babies, we have our faith in each other, this time all we need is our families unwavering support! This time is going to be our forever time. I am never taking off my rings... I do not care how swollen my hands and fingers get over the next few months; I will always be wearing them even if I have to put them on a stupid chain around my neck! You are mine and I am yours, always and forever!"
Next time on Stairway to No-mans Land:
- Morning sickness became a problem
- Steffy discovered some interesting cravings
- The dynamic duo informed Bill of their latest achievements
AN: Thanks so much for the reviews. Make sure you subscribe to this story by clicking on the favourites button below. If you are really enjoying my writing, let me know what you would like to see happen in the future. Want more of something... let me know what in the reviews or PM me! ALL feedback in appreciated