He was supposed to be the one that had to keep the promise. Felicity had only agreed to it because she couldn't foresee a situation where she would have to choose between their daughter and the love of her life. But when Dhark's ghosts were heading heading toward the bunker and she had to decide between helping lead Oliver out of Dhark's hideout, or running with their child, Oliver made it very clear that it was time for her to hold up her end of the deal.
Felicity would say that running that day was the hardest thing she ever had to do, but it wasn't. It was so chaotic, so rushed, that in the moment it barely felt like a choice was even being made. But getting up, moving forward every day with the knowledge that she had to face the rest of her life without him? That was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And she refaced the challenge every morning.
Life became a little easier when they moved out of Star City. She and her mother took Lainie to the coast and as the years passed, it almost felt like the days were getting easier, even back to normal. But then her daughter would do something, like put on a mask and try to repel from their second floor window, and Felicity was transported back to that damn promise all over again.
But what made the memory even more painful was that she wouldn't change her choice… as often as she played through the scenario in her dreams, she was never able to save them both.
"Mama!" Lainie screamed, the furrow in her brow telling Felicity that this probably wasn't her daughter's first call for attention, "Gamma said dinner is ready. And by ready she means the food was delivered. But she told me to say ready cause that sounds better."
"Would you prefer she make dinner?" Felicity questioned, "Or even worse, I make dinner?"
Lainie groaned, grabbing her mother's hand and pulling her out of the deck chair, "I wish I could make dinner. You said Daddy was a good cook. Maybe I got his gene-es?"
"Genes, sweetie," Felicity corrected, "And hopefully you did. I really miss chicken cordon bleu. We'll test it out once you're old enough to use the stove."
"When's that? When I'm five?" An impish grin spread across Lainie's face and Felicity knew she was supposed to laugh but all she could focus on was Oliver having the same giddy look in his eyes whenever he was especially proud of his joke.
"I'll check the instructions for the stove," Felicity finally answered, "buuut I'm thinking you have to hit double digits first."
With an eye-roll worthy of her favorite aunt, Lainie let out a loud groan before leading the way into the house, her sandy curls bouncing with each stomp.
"Hey, Pumpkin, you get Mommy away from her work?" Donna's voice was perky, but Felicity could see her mother's eyes searching her's for signs of trouble. Today marked four years to the day that she had lost Oliver, that they had all lost Oliver, and tomorrow would mark the day her mother moved into the loft "just to help out" and never went back to Las Vegas. Donna had honored Felicity's request not to bring up what day it was, but that didn't mean Felicity couldn't recognize the sympathetic looks every time she crossed her mother's path.
"Yup, she wasn't even workin! She was nappin' on the deck!"
Felicity forced a smile as Lainie turned back to her, even pulling the strength for a wink, which caused the small girl to erupt into a burst of giggles about tattling on her mother.
"Thea called," Donna mentioned casually as she pulled a bag of steamable vegetables from the microwave, "she wanted to check in. Said to call her back if you're…" Donna cast a glance down at Lainie who sat obliviously at the kitchen table. "…feeling up to it," she finished, pouring the broccoli into a bowl and carrying them over with a paper bag of Thai food.
Felicity nodded, knowing that as much as she wanted the avoid the conversation, she would have to make the call. In a selfish moment, she had torn the last piece of family Thea had left away. And though "the world's greatest aunt" visited on a regular basis, Felicity knew it wasn't enough. She owed Thea this call.
Felicity struggled to focus throughout the meal, only eating enough to keep her daughter from catching on to any change. As they moved through their evening routine, things got easier (they always did when Felicity could focus on her daughter). But randomly throughout the night, Felicity kept being reminded of how much Oliver would have adored this seemingly monotonous routine. She could practically see him playing with Lainie while she pretended to be a mermaid in the bath, singing "This is the Way We Brush Our Teeth" repeatedly while Lainie marched around the bathroom, telling bedtime stories of superhero princesses going to save their prince from the evil queen… he would have eaten every moment up.
Secretly, Felicity had hoped that Lainie would fight going to bed tonight. It would have given her an excuse to stay on "mommy duty" late. To not focus on the date. To not return Thea's call. To not to hear the voice of yet another person she let down that night.
But, of course, Lainie went down without having to be asked twice. She always had had her mother's love of sleeping. And Felicity soon found herself once again on the back deck, her cellphone in hand.
As Felicity pulled up her contacts, she tried desperately to ignore "Oliver Queen," still stored in her address book directly after his sister. The number had long ago been disconnected, and probably belonged to some middle school girl by now, but something in Felicity was never able to delete it. She had already made that choice once.
"Hello?" Thea answered on the first ring. Felicity could hear Roy still talking in the background but his voice quickly faded as Thea must have walked into another room. "I've missed you, Lic. I'm so glad you could get back to me."
"Yeah, um, me too. We've all missed you too," Felicity found herself rushing through her words, as if ending this conversation quickly would avoid the topic she knew was coming, the one she had avoided since waking up before dawn this morning. "Lainie was asking for you tonight. She was hoping you could come over and make some meatloaf. My mom tried to make it last week and we needed a bread knife to try to cut it. Try being the key word."
Thea chuckled and Felicity immediately tried to locate a hint of insincerity in her joy, but she couldn't find it. Maybe Thea wasn't struggling today? Maybe she really had just called to check in? To find out about coming over for dinner next week or wanting to plan a family vacation for the upcoming summer? Maybe Thea had learned to move past this date, and one day Felicity would be able to do the same.
"So how are you doing?" Thea asked suddenly, the lightness of her voice now missing. Felicity should have known better than to think she could avoid this conversation- Thea and her brother were the same that way.
"I'm okay…"
"You're not okay, Lic," Thea interrupted, "Please don't lie to me. Just tell me how your day was… really."
"Unproductive," Felicity admitted. "I worked for a few hours but thank God Curtis picked up the slack for me. They do want me to come back to Star City for the board meeting next week, so maybe I'll bring Lainie back to you guys for the next visit."
Thea was quiet for a moment and Felicity knew she was debating whether to call her out for trying to change the subject. Finally, she just continued on with the conversation, her voice quiet, "We missed you two at the memorial today. The city dedicated his old mayoral office to him. It was nice… Barry even came in from Central City…"
Felicity shut her eyes, letting her head fall back against the Adirondack chair as she tried to wipe the memory of her last visit to city hall from her mind. She remembered being there to accept a memorial plaque for her husband, her young daughter pulled close to her chest. That was the very day she decided to leave Star City for good. The day she realized that even though the city seemed to be healing, she never would.
"Any word about…" Felicity began to question, but she found herself unable to say his name. Dhark had disappeared after Oliver's final stand had devastated his army, his financial holdings, and revealed the full extent Dhark's nefarious plan to the city. Darhk had barely escaped Star City that night and must have moved on to devastate a new city and to tear apart more loving families.
"His name popped up after some attack over in Russia, but Laurel couldn't track down more than that. To be honest, we have our hands full enough trying to hold things together in this city… we can't afford to chase Dhark halfway around the world."
"I want him dead…" Felicity mumbled, checking behind her to make sure little ears hadn't followed her outside. But, to her relief, other than a hall light left on next to the staircase and the gentle glow of her laptop on the kitchen counter, there was no sign of movement inside the house.
"I know, Lic. Us too. We just can't risk…"
"I know… I'm sorry, Thea, I know. It's just a difficult day…"
"Hey, Felicity?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I love you, right? We all do."
Felicity couldn't help but smile, despite the constant reminder in the back of head that Thea should hate her for tearing apart the last of her family, Thea never failed to provide support. In many ways, she and Felicity were the only two that could fully understand their loss. They had both lost the most important man in their lives.
"I love you too, Thea. We'll get together soon. I promise."
"Yeah, soon." Thea agreed, "Give your mom a big hug for me. And maybe ask her to stop dropping hints to Roy about us needing to have some babies?"
Despite her best efforts, Felicity let out a laugh. Leave it to her mother to act as the overbearing mother-in-law to a married couple that had supposedly escaped the pleasure having any in-laws. "Will do. Talk to you later."
As Thea hung up, Felicity found herself staring at the phone. Her life as she knew it ended with a phone call and she couldn't help but see the irony in that. Technology had always been her savior, her escape from a reality she couldn't always control. Yet, it had been technology that allowed her to hear Oliver's panic as he begged her to make a run for it. It had been technology that allowed her to see the emergency doors slam closed all around Oliver as Dhark and his minions closed in on him. It had been technology that she couldn't overcome fast enough that night when her daughter's terrified cries echoed through the bunker and Felicity had to leave her computer, and her only tie to her doomed husband, behind.
Felicity groaned as her phone rang again. It was a number she didn't recognize, which almost definitely meant there was some disaster going on back at work, and would suck up the rest of the night trying to fix. But, despite her desire to ignore it, she forced herself to pick the phone up right before it went to voicemail.
"Hello?" She answered, only to be met with static, "Hello?!" She questioned again, letting loose a groan through clenched teeth.
"Fe-Felicity?" A voice broke through the static, so muffled that she almost didn't identify it right away, "Felicity, it's me. I need your help."