Thessia

Zhira broke the meld and waited for Liara to collect herself. She felt Liara's pain in her own heart, the agony of seeing that memory once again, of knowing that, in one of Shepard's darkest hours, she'd doubted Liara's love for her. So soon after they had come together again, supposedly removing that doubt, it had re-emerged. Zhira believed, however, that part of Liara's pain dwelt in knowing that Shepard's doubts, hurtful though they may have been, were not unfounded.

She had no way of knowing Liara's thoughts in the moment of her revelations. No way of confirming how Liara felt and, given their only recent reconciliation, room to believe that Liara would not be able to forgive her actions in the Bahak system. Not to mention that she herself was grappling with emotions darker than any we might know.

Zhira's own heart still ached at the memory of the emptiness in Shepard's eyes when they met. She'd borne witness to that same emptiness before, in the eyes of those lost to drugs, lost in grief…perhaps simply the expression of those who found themselves…lost. Soldiers in wartime had more purpose than most, but that did not mean that they found purpose for their own life within the purpose of the war.

In fact, there were many who did not. Many who made the ultimate sacrifice questioned their very actions in the moment of their deaths. She knew this all too well…she'd been on Earth when the Reapers struck. She'd stood with the Alliance's finest against the onslaught and seen them as time wore on, watching the light fade from more and more eyes. At the end, there were many who, even though they still drew breath, still stood, still spoke, would never live and never be alive again.

How Liara did not become that manner of casualty is, at times, still a mystery to me. She is still so strong, even now, as we confront a weakness, she still carries her strength.

Liara looked up, unashamed of the tears in her eyes. Zhira watched her wipe them away, breathe deep, and center herself. She wanted to erase the sorrow in Liara's expression, but knew that she could not. Pain was sacred, and while Zhira had been the messenger of this source of pain, she did not share in it. She wanted to speak, but at this moment, it was not her place to do so.

"You would think three hundred years of distance, and all that has transpired in that time, would have lessened the blow of that moment." Liara whispered. "However, to see that doubt in the strongest person I've ever known still wounds my heart. Not simply the doubt of my love, you understand, but the doubt that she bore in herself."

"She did not let it cripple her." Zhira responded. "You and I saw all too well the evidence of that. Everyone experiences doubt, but doubt is a not just an emotion, but a quiet weapon. It can be instilled. It can be used, manipulated, and it…and it can hurt. It can hurt those whom we never intended to injure."

Liara looked at her and her expression softened. "Did you have doubts, Zhira?" She wondered.

A smile spread on the matron's face before turning into a laugh which carried through the room for a few seconds, startling Liara, but also bringing a kindred smile to her face.

"Did I have doubts?" Zhira asked, borderline incredulous. "I had doubts every day, Liara. Like Shepard, I fully believed that you might never forgive me. I woke up every day questioning whether or not what I'd done was the right thing but when I…"

Zhira's words fell away as emotion surged in her heart. She did not understand why so many of the matriarchs she had met seemed to project a field of utter emotionlessness. Was it a tactic to hide behind? Or was it simply because, in their long lives, they could endure no more of the burden of feeling? She feared it might be the latter, and trembled at the approach of time. She never wanted to become such a person…one who ran from emotion because she had experienced too much.

"When you saw her for the first time?" Liara asked, her voice and expression colored by abject longing. "When you watched her grow and learn and become the…the amazing physician and asari that she is today?"

"Yes." Zhira murmured. "When all of that happened. I didn't feel joy without remorse, Li. Every moment of watching her grow, watching her triumph, mentoring her and loving her I…I despised myself."

Liara shook her head. "You should not have done so, Zhira." She admonished her friend, gentle. "It did take me a great deal of time, yes, but I understand. While understanding can never erase pain, nor make up for lost time, it can allow these moments, the ones I have shared with Sen, the moment I share with you now, to exist without anger or blame."

"You surprise me every day." Zhira shook her head. "I still do not understand how you are doing this. How you are recalling every vivid detail. I understand its reason and its purpose but your…your resilience continues to astound me."

"My resilience." Liara shook her head. "Zhira, I left the room because I trembled at the thought of remembering that moment of doubt, because I questioned sharing Shepard's words with Sen. It is…it is different now, you understand."

"I do." Zhira nodded. "It's not just the Savior of the Galaxy that she is hearing about now…it is the other half of her genetics, the life responsible for creating her own. Perhaps there is more at stake here, and I know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. It is less that you have no wish to revisit those memories, though they are still unpleasant, and more that you want Sen to love Shepard…as much as you did."

"I am struggling now with this story." Liara confided. "Not because I have no wish to relive it, but because I want Sen to know the truth of the woman Shepard was…but it is so very difficult to use words, to attempt to convey to another that someone so revered and loved by history, was very, very broken, but never, not in the least, weak."