I've decided to do a difficult thing, and that is to let some of my unfinished WIPs go.

Unfortunately, this is one of them.

This isn't about a "why didn't people review this more?"

This is about my unfortunate tendency to start ideas, to plot them out in my head, and then find myself drawn to a new idea.

I still have this problem but I'm working on it, and I'm trying to only work on fics that I can commit to finishing. So, I've gone back and updated every fic that I am officially abandoning and calling it complete as well as adding in a final chapter - this chapter.

I loved this fic and I am so very, very sorry that I never finished it or gave it the attention it deserved. It could have been really special, but I grew sloppy and careless.

Let me share some thoughts on where it was headed.

Deviant

Chapter Eleven

Quatre had always been a curious person. Nosey, his sisters called it. Strange, his father called it. But Quatre preferred to think of it as a natural desire to investigate the world and understand the way people worked.

He had always wondered what people thought, why they did what they did - how certain actions made them feel.

And now he knew.

Ever since the storm Quatre had been bombarded with the emotions and sometimes the thoughts of those around him. He could feel their pain, their loneliness, their aching desire to matter - and he could do nothing about it.

Sylvia encounter

Meeting

When Duo did finally show up he was covered in dust and dirt and smelled slightly burnt.

Duo took one look at their gathering and sighed.

"Did I miss the memo about a reunion tour?" He asked, sounding exhausted and irritated.

Quatre squashed his urge to reach out and feel Duo's emotions.

"We need to talk. Something's been going on and -"

"Jesus, not again. Stop it with the superhero bullshit. What are we going to do about it anyway, huh? Are you going to feel how bad they are? Is Trowa going to follow them around and put down banana peels for them to trip over? Is Relena going to make them confess to their crimes? Is Hilde going to predict the next attack? Am I supposed to run towards him really fast and distract him? We are nothing more than a bunch of delinquents. We can't save anyone. We can't even save ourselves."

"That's not true," Quatre insisted. "We can. If we work together -"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well you all have fun storming the castle. I've got other plans."

And with that he walked through the living room and down the hall out of sight.

Quatre looked over and saw Trowa looking at the spot where Duo had just been, an unreadable expression on his face. His emotions, however, were loud and clear.

-o-

Chapter 12

Heero does some investigating...

Heero and Trowa time, Trowa tells him about Duo and Treize. Clearly this is now a good time to have sex for the first time.

Heero decides to talk to Duo.

"I didn't realize this was a study hall."

Heero looked up.

Duo was walking down the hall towards him. He looked exhausted and filthy, covered in what appeared to be dust and dirt and he smelled faintly of burned trash.

Heero frowned.

Duo sighed.

"It's a joke, because this is a hall... and you're sitting there studying...nevermind."

"What happened to you?"

"I'm a janitor, what do you think happened? A vacuum cleaner exploded all over me."

"I'm sorry."

Duo shrugged.

"Yeah, well, it's not going to keep me up at night or anything. I just need to take a shower." Duo frowned and looked behind him before focusing his attention back on Heero. "Why are you here, anyway? Did Quatre call another superhero meeting?"

"No," Heero assured him, and then he followed up on a hunch, "why? Are you afraid that Trant will show up?"

Duo's face froze for a second and then he gave a forced laugh.

"Not really afraid so much as irritated - do you have any idea how nice it is not have to look at his sneer every Saturday anymore?"

Over the years Heero had learned how to read people and his skills had served him well as a prostitute. He could usually tell what kind of sex a client was interested in - as well as how rough or gentle they were likely to be or how ashamed and scared they were by the very act of hiring Heero for sex in the first place.

Duo was definitely afraid of Trant. He hadn't always been - when they had been in community service Duo had clearly hated Trant, but he hadn't been afraid of him. Something must have happened.

"So then what are you doing here?" Duo asked, interrupting Heero's ideas as to why Duo might be afraid of Trant.

"I needed to talk to you," Heero put his book away and stood up.

"Can it wait until some other time? I really need to take a shower."

"I'll wait while you do," Heero assured him. He had a feeling that if he didn't corner Duo now he was unlikely to ever be able to.

Duo scowled but sighed and, after unlocking the door to his apartment, stood aside and ushered Heero in.

"Make yourself at home I guess," Duo instructed.

Heero watched him put down his keys and kick off his shoes. Duo's movements were slow - giving further indication of his exhaustion, but there seemed to be something else about the way he moved, something that made Heero suspect that it was far more than mere exhaustion that made Duo's shoulders slump.

Duo went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a resounding slam.

As if Heero needed another hint as to how Duo felt about him being there.

It was nearly half an hour later when Duo finally emerged from the bathroom. Heero had had plenty of time to peruse the bookshelf in the living room. He had decided that most of the books belonged to Duo - they were mostly science fiction and philosophy books and he simply didn't see Hilde spending her time reading those kinds of books.

"Find anything interesting?" Duo had caught him snooping through the stack of vinyl records on the floor.

Heero turned around to see Duo wearing only a towel wrapped around his hips. His wet hair had been pulled back into a loose ponytail and his bangs were pushed to the side, revealing his entire face.

Duo crossed his arms over his chest and a frown tugged at his mouth and eyebrows. It was clear that he didn't know how to interpret Heero staring at him so openly.

"Sorry," Heero felt the need to say, although he was unsure what he was apologizing for.

"Let me put on some clothes and then we can have this chat you're so desperate to have," Duo said.

Despite the lack of an invitation, Heero followed Duo down the hall and leaned against the door frame when Duo went into his bedroom.

"Why are you working at Clarkson?" Heero asked as Duo pulled clean clothes out of his dresser.

Duo sighed.

"Because it pays the bills."

"Is it what you want to do? Work as a janitor?"

"Forever? Hell no." Duo pulled on a pair of boxers under the towel before taking if off. "You Clarkson kids are all the same - you think I'd choose to be a janitor? That it's somehow my life's ambition? I've got to work, yanno - living sure as hell isn't free. I can't afford to go to some fancy school and collect enough degrees so that I can sit on my ass in an office for the rest of my life. Mommy and Daddy aren't here to hold my hand."

"I know that," Heero said and didn't bother to keep the irritation out of his voice. "I know how that feels."

Duo paused in the process of putting on a shirt.

"Yeah, I guess you do," he agreed.

Heero glanced around the room while Duo put on a pair of jeans and he couldn't help but imagine Duo sprawled across the bed, reading a book and he wondered just how long it had been since Duo had done that - he seemed so different now from the Duo he had first met at community service or even the Duo he had encountered in a dark alley one night months ago.

"So, what was this chat about?" Duo asked once he was finally dressed. He leaned back against his dresser and crossed his arms again.

"You," Heero said and was unsurprised when Duo's expression became even more defensive.

"Me? What the hell do you need to talk to me about me?"

"You're miserable."

"I'm fine," Duo said.

"You aren't," Heero insisted. "You've changed - something happened to you and it's dragging you into this dark hole - you aren't the same person who lied for me during community service."

"Are you saying I wouldn't have your back anymore?" Duo asked.

"I'm saying I don't think you would care anymore - I think you would just let it happen."

Duo shrugged one shoulder.

"Maybe. What does it matter, anyway? What's done is done - your secret is safe. I'm the whore, not you."

Heero flinched at the anger in Duo's voice.

"Trowa is worried about you," he said.

Duo's jaw clenched.

"Yeah, well, he has enough problems of his own - he doesn't need to concern himself with me."

"He cares about you. Even now - even after you abandoned him, he still cares about you."

"I didn't abandon him. We... drifted in opposite directions."

"You mean that you drifted into Treize Khushrenada's bed?"

Heero frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"A few days ago - Trowa saw you on campus. He followed you and saw you go into Khushrenada's house."

Duo winced.

"Yeah, I guess that's what happened, then," Duo said. "Kind of like how Trowa drifted into your bed, right?"

"Not until last night," Heero admitted. "And even then he said it felt like he was cheating on you."

Duo swallowed hard. He looked guilty, and Heero decided to push the point even further.

"It was my first time - my first time having sex with someone who wasn't a client. It was the first time I've ever felt intimate with someone else. And it doesn't matter how amazing it was - it doesn't matter that for the very first time - it doesn't matter. None of it matters because Trowa can't get over you."

"There's nothing to get over - we were barely in a relationship in the first place."

"He means that little to you? You really just don't give a fuck about him at all, do you?"

Duo glared at him.

"Of course I give a fuck - why do you think I walked away in the first place? He's got enough shit to deal with - his own problems and his own life - he doesn't need my shit on top of that. He's better off with you anyway. You're... you're solid and so damned persistent it makes me want to punch you. Trowa's the kind of guy who you would do anything for - and you probably would so that's a good thing."

"If he's the guy you would do anything for then why don't you? Why just give up?"

"Because I can't do anything - I can't do shit, Heero. I'm a fucking dead end and he can actually go places in life. I'm only going to drag him down."

"You didn't think that a month ago - if you did why would you ever have bothered in the first place?"

"Yeah, well, a month ago I was a moron." Duo ran a hand through his still wet hair. "Look, this has been truly enlightening and I'm so glad that you wanted to have this chat but -"

"What happened to you?" Heero interrupted.

"Life happened, Heero buddy. You should know how that feels too. So just - go make Trowa happy and leave me the hell alone because I'm not a project you can fix and he's better off without me."

"You're wrong," Heero insisted. "Maybe I can't fix you - but I can help you. And Trowa isn't better off without you. He'd be better off with you."

Duo snorted.

"Which would leave you where, exactly?"

"I hope it would leave me with Trowa and you."

"A threesome? Why the hell do all of you think that would work? It's not normal."

"Because any of us are normal. And who cares - it's what works for us that matters."

"Yeah, well -"

"You want to be with Trowa, don't you?"

Duo just stared at him.

"Is it me you don't want then?" Heero had to ask. "The idea of being with him and me?"

"If I had to be in a threesome I doubt there's anyone I would rather be involved with than the two of you. I'd be an idiot not to want you. You're an amazing guy - you've been dealt a completely shitty hand in life and you're still able to hold everything together and you - you're great."

"Then why are you sleeping with Treize Khushrenada?"

Duo smiled bitterly.

"Probably because he hates me almost as much as I hate myself. We have a lot in common."

Heero felt like they were just going around in circles. Duo had buried himself so deeply that it seemed like Heero would never be able to get him to just be open with him.

"What did Trant do to you?"

The question caught Duo completely off guard and Heero knew right away that this was the root of everything. Something had happened and it had completely transformed Duo.

"Nothing," Duo said.

"What did he do?" Heero repeated. "Tell me or I'll just ask him."

Duo's face lost all color and he shook his head once.

"Why the fuck can't you just let this go?"

"Because you saved me - you kept my secret and you saved me. My life would be ruined if they knew I was a prostitute. I'm not going to stand back and just watch you self-destruct. Not if I can do something about it."

"You can't," Duo assured him. He sat down on the bed and drew in a deep, ragged breath. "Unless it turns out you do have some kind of power and you can change the past - in which case there's a few other things we should take care of first. Like -"

"Stop it. Stop trying to deflect me and just tell me the truth."

Duo swallowed hard and the look in his eyes was so desperate that Heero found himself reaching out to him.

Duo flinched and quickly moved backwards, falling off the bed in the process.

"You said I was being dragged into this dark hole," Duo muttered. He sat up and put his back against the bed so that he was facing away from Heero. "You're right. I am. And while I appreciate you thinking you can... help me or fix me or whatever it is you plan on doing, I'm fucked. I'm a lost cause. It's not even just me - my own brother. My brother. He was a soldier - he was amazing. He could do anything, yanno? But those bastards got to him too."

"What happened to him?"

"He was raped by Clarkson students and then he committed suicide." Duo gave a harsh laugh. "I guess it's kind of a family tradition now."

Heero felt like an idiot, but it took him a moment to process what Duo had said. He demonstrably had not committed suicide, which only left one other possibility.

"He raped you." Saying the words filled Heero with a churning, queasy sensation.

"He beat the shit out of me - amazing how easy it is for someone that strong to slam you into the hood of their car a few times. Then he shoved his fingers up my ass and - yeah. He - I'm never not going to feel his dick rubbing against me. I'm never not going to think about how much it fucking hurt when he - I'm there. All the time. All I can think about is how fucking pathetic I am and how stupid I was to not just run when I had the fucking chance but I thought I was, I don't know - I thought I could shit talk my way out of it and I couldn't."

"Are you going to kill yourself?" He didn't want to ask, but he needed to know the answer.

Duo snorted derisively.

"No. I can't - I can't do that to Hilde. She can't afford to pay the rent without a roommate."

Heero didn't know whether or not Duo was joking.

"I think she would be more upset about losing her best friend than losing her roommate," he had to say.

Duo leaned his head back against the bed and Heero could just barely see the glitter of tears on his eyelashes.

"Yeah, well, I haven't been much of a friend these days in any case."

And suddenly it all made sense to Heero.

Duo had lost faith in himself - he had completely given up on himself. He hadn't abandoned Trowa or lost interest in helping other people - he had just decided that he couldn't do anything.

In that moment Heero desperately wished that he did have a power - something that would make Trant suffer the way that Duo was so clearly suffering.

But he didn't have any kind of power and he had absolutely no idea what to do.

Duo sighed.

"You can go now. You've gotten the truth out of me and -" Duo laughed. "And I fucking told you so. You can't fix me or help me or make any of this better. So just, go ahead and go."

"You said you were with Treize because he hates you almost as much as you hate yourself. Does that - does sex with him help?"

"At first I thought it would eventually, but no. No. I just feel completely fucking trapped in this mess that I made."

"You didn't -"

"I did, Heero. I brought this down on myself. I can run faster than humanly possible and the one time I needed to do it I didn't. I had the chance to save myself and I failed."

"Rape isn't about sex," Heero said, recalling something he had read years ago. "Not entirely. It's about power. Trant knew you would never choose him - he knew he had no power over your, or himself for that matter." Heero thought about all those glances he had seen Trant throw Duo's way. They had been filled with lust and hatred and Heero wondered now just how much of the hatred had been for Duo and how much for Trant himself.

"Yeah, well, he certainly has power over me now," Duo muttered.

Heero came around and knelt down in front of Duo.

"Because you're letting him. Before, you didn't run away and he got you - but now you are running. You're running from him and from everything else and you're letting him win. You're just giving him everything."

Heero held Duo's gaze.

"What the hell am I supposed to do instead?" Duo asked in a ragged voice.

"Fight back."

Duo snorted and rubbed the palms of his hands over his eyes.

"Yeah, okay. I'll get right on that. He's got super strength, Heero. I can't fight him."

"Not him. Everything else - you've just given up. You abandoned Trowa, and Hilde. You got yourself involved with a man who can't even begin to understand how incredible you are. You decided to stop caring about other people. Trant didn't do any of that, you did because he showed you that you weren't invincible."

"I've never thought I was invincible," Duo argued. "I just never realized how pathetically helpless I was."

"You aren't," Heero argued. "You aren't pathetic or helpless and that's why Trant went after you in the first place. Duo, I know what it feels like. I know that feeling of -"

"Oh holy fucking shit. I never even thought about you. Here I am crying like a fucking baby because I was raped once and you - Jesus, I'm a stupid asshole." Duo shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like for you, with your job and -"

"No," Heero interrupted him, irritated that Duo had jumped to the wrong conclusion. "That's not - what I do is consensual. I've never been forced to do anything - and maybe years ago, when I first starting doing this I agreed to things because I was too stupid not to, but I've never been raped."

"Oh."

Duo's entire face turned red and if they hadn't been discussing something so serious Heero might have smiled at the embarrassed look Duo gave him.

Instead, Heero very slowly reached out and brushed Duo's unruly bangs away from his forehead.

"I was going to say that I've also been at the bottom of that dark hole. I know what it feels like to look up and think that there is no way out."

"What changed your mind?" Duo asked.

"You did."

Duo looked startled.

"When you lied for me. When you were nice to me. When I saw how you and Trowa were happy - it gave me hope."

Duo swallowed hard and tried to look away, but Heero nudged his jaw until Duo was looking at him again.

"You deserve that same thing."

Duo let out a shaky breath.

"You should talk to Trowa. Tell him what happened."

That same deer in the headlights look of fear was back in Duo's eyes.

"No. I can't do that - I can't - I can't let him down."

Heero frowned in confusion.

"Let him down how?"

"You saw the way I freaked out when you tried to touch me before - I don't want him to see me like that. I don't want Trowa to know that I'm terrified of being touched."

Heero considered possible solutions to this problem.

"I'm really good at sex," he finally said and his words startled a laugh out of Duo.

"I imagine in your line of work that comes in handy," Duo muttered. "But what does that have to do with me?"

"I can help you. We can fix this. We can... fool around, "he struggled to find the right words, "we can practice until you're comfortable again."

Duo's eyes narrowed.

"So you want me to use you."

"No, I want you to trust me. I want you, Duo. I want to be with you and I know Trowa wants it to. I can understand you not wanting him to see you react negatively to being touched. I can help you with that. I want to."

Duo still looked uncertain, but he didn't offer any arguments.

Heero leaned forward, very slowly so that Duo would have time to move, and kissed him.

As kisses went it was nothing spectacular - just a brief, soft brush of lips - but it still meant something.

Heero sat back on his heels and regarded Duo.

"Was that okay?" He asked.

Duo nodded once.