All eyes were on the computer screen, focussed on a few hundred pixels in the centre of the display. The countdown had started in earnest, the red figures ticking over inexorably.
The tension was palpable in the room. James glanced across at his section, their faces eerily illuminated in the darkened ops tent by the light from the single monitor. They looked exhausted. The last few hours had been a whirlwind of frantic activity, culminating in this one final act.
Molly was by his side, so close he could feel her warmth. As the critical moment approached she unconsciously clung to his arm, her grip tightening as the numbers reached zero...
Twelve hours earlier James had entered the ANA Headquarters for his first meeting with the liaison Officer, his old friend Captain Azizi.
He was greeted warmly by his Afghan counterpart and soon they were sitting in Azizi's office sipping tea.
"Whatever possessed you to volunteer for this mission?" asked James
"Ah Charles, you know what it's like being a minor character in a bigger story, you have to take every opportunity offered however implausible or degrading" said Azizi.
James nodded sympathetically. "Yes we have all been there my friend. I remember once having to wear a particularly awful Aran Cardigan to get a gig...Anyway can you tell me where we are with recruitment and equipment?"
Azizi grimaced "we have a shortage in the quantity and quality of both. Suitable men cannot be recruited because they are worried about insurgent reprisals on their families. Appropriate equipment is also hard to come by in Afghanistan and although we have received funding from the British and Americans, corruption on the ground means only a fraction of the money is getting through to buy what we need."
"The same old issues then" said James and Azizi nodded ruefully.
They discussed some details around the organisation of the first training session that afternoon and then James took his leave.
After lunch two section formed up and marched to the main parade ground to meet their first intake of trainees.
As they arrived they came across a ramshackle company of ANA who seemed to be unloading a pile of old junk from the back of a dilapidated truck.
James looked at them in distaste "Kinders can you clear this rabble out of the way, they are clearly a labour company who have mistaken this area for the camp dump."
"Yes sir" said Kinders and doubled away. There then followed an animated discussion between the corporal and an ANA NCO who was in charge of the detail. After a time Kinders stopped gesticulating, put his hands on his hips and looked over at James. The corporal then gestured for the NCO to follow him and they both started to walk back towards James.
"You are not going to believe this sir" said Kinders" but these are our guys and that stuff is their gear."
James stared at the Corporal in disbelief, then turned his attention to the Afghan NCO who smiled at him revealing a truly horrendous mouthfull of rotting teeth and said "Zombie School yes? You teach me shat"
"Christ on a bike" said James then turned to Kinders once more.
"Ok Corporal, let's get them into sections and allocate tasks and trainers. I am sure it will not be beyond the wit of man to get these men whipped into shape"
"This mission is completely beyond the wit of man, machine or god in his heaven" said James in despair a few hours later.
He was addressing Kinders in the ops tent after having taken a series of reports from his instructors.
He had thought the SHAAtt session had been bad enough. That class had been made up of those members of the ANA company thought most likely to produce the required biological markers to attract the zombies. Suffice to say that the Afghan NCO had been among their number.
Worst still that individual had been designated as the interpreter for the company and it turned out that his English had been acquired in the main from watching Mr Bean videos. As a result his efforts at translation comprised of a series of grotesque mimes and facial expressions which where open to very wide interpretation.
Somehow James was able to convey some very basic instructions and they had managed to start the first task which was an examination of the detail's physical assets.
Molly had looked decidedly green around the gills as each man had removed his combat top to reveal bulbous paunches of varying shapes and sizes most accompanied by a thick, sweaty mat of covering hair.
"Talk about operation bulge" she had commented before walking quickly away to find her own class.
Even Smurf seemed unable to maintain his normally inscrutable air and moved off at near jogging pace to join his allocated session.
James had persevered, asking the men to enter the pool provided and take up the prescribed position. Unfortunately, their combined weight had been too much for the rubber container which had upended sending the soldiers aqua planing across the parade ground, eventually coming to rest at its far end like a of a pod of beached whales.
James had hoped at the time that the other sessions were going better but was soon disabused. Brains and Fingers had been the first to report back to James on their class which involved the deployment of the immersion tank equipment.
Brains had started by describing the pools as a 'heap of shit'.
Fingers had elaborated: "They are single skinned and the stitching is pretty poor. You need at least 3 ply heavy gauge or you may as well forget it. Worst still there's no non return valve and the drainage hole is wrongly positioned so you end up bailing the thing out to get rid of the left over solution. They are just no good sir"
Next came Dangleberries and Mansfield Mike. The latter was holding a battered metal object in his hand.
"What's that private?" Asked James
"It's their sound system" replied Mansfield Mike
"But it looks like a speaking trumpet" said James
"That it is sir" replied the private evenly.
"Ok" said James in a beleaguered tone then turned hopefully to the other private. "Dangleberries what about the music itself?"
Dangleberries grimaced "well sir the singers and musicians are steeped in the traditions of Afghan folk music which features a mix of Persian melodies, Arab scales and Indian compositional principles as well as sounds from ethnic groups such as..."
"It's pretty crap" cut in Mansfield Mike
Dangleberries blew out a breath "yep that pretty much describes it sir"
James had dismissed them in exasperation. Now as James shared his frustration with Kinders, he was at an utter loss as to what to do.
"I am sure we can get the men in shape eventually" said the corporal hopefully
"You are probably right." James agreed. "It's the equipment that really worries me. It is simply not fit for purpose and the ANA have no way of accessing anything better."
James ran his fingers through his hair. "You may as well get some food and rest Corporal." He eventually said "I think we will need all our strength tomorrow if we are going to stand a chance of making any progress with our trainees."
Kinders nodded "Yes sir. Hopefully we will get some mail from home soon, that should cheer us up."
James chuckled then stopped as a thought hit him "Kinders" he said "You are a genius. Round up the section and meet me in the ops tent in 30 minutes."
Kinders frowned "ok boss but what's this about?"
James smiled "we are going to open up a home front. But first I need to talk to the Colonel"
James sprinted to the admin block and caught the Colonel in his office. He breathlessly explained what had happened that day and his proposed solution. The Colonel listened closely then ruminated for a while before telling him to get out of his office before he put him on a charge.
James tried again, explaining his thinking in more detail as the Colonel tried to edge towards the door in a bid to escape. Seeing that he was not going to get rid of this madman without agreeing to something he acquiesce to the plan with certain conditions which James readily agreed to before thanking the Colonel and running out the door to brief two section.
They were already mustered in the ops tent when James walked in.
"Ok, listen up. Today was pretty much a disaster all around and we have to do something about that. The men we can train but the equipment is crap and needs replacing. The Afghans have no money and no way to access supplies quickly, whilst taking the official army route will require us going blind on specification and procurement paperwork just to get the wrong thing six months down the line.
"Looks like we are out of options then aren't we sir?" Said Molly.
"Not necessarily Dawes. Where there is a will there is a way." Said James maintaining eye contact with the medic for just a little longer than was necessary. James thought he detected a slight blush emerge on Molly's cheeks before he continued.
"Most of the original equipment we used to beat the zombies we got from home. So let's go their again. I need you to contact your nearest and dearest. They need to join the fight against the Taliban and do the one thing we can't. They need to go shopping!"
Half an hour later the ops tent was filled with a hubbub of voices as two section telephoned relatives at home to explain what was needed and place orders.
Bas Vegas called across to James "Sir, me Dad says that the Basildon Argos has got two paddling pools in stock. He can reserve them now and then pick them up when he goes to get mum from work in a couple of hours"
"Agreed private" confirmed James. Then to Kinders "keep a carefully tally of expenditure. The Colonel has only agreed to this provided we keep within a strict budget."
"Bossman" said Fingers, his hand over the mouthpiece of his phone "Mum says that she can get three of the karaoke machines we need on Amazon and she got Amazon Prime with her Lovefilm subscription so they should be there tomorrow. Only problem is she'll be at work and will have to check if our nan can come over to wait in. She's not so spritely since her hip gave out and might have trouble getting round."
"Can we commandeer transportation from somewhere?" Said James.
Fingers had a hurried exchange on the phone. "Our Dave can pick her up as part of his delivery round. She'll have to go pillion on his moped but she can probably go side saddle."
"Excellent" said James
Slowly they started to work through the list of items.
Molly was on the phone to her mum about getting waxing strips for what James described as the hairy belly brigade. As he passed her he gave her a questioning look which she answered with a thumbs up and a smile. She was clearly enjoying the unexpected shopping spree.
Suddenly Nude-Nut called over. " sir we have a problem. Me sister Tracy is in Tower Records and the assistant won't let her have 20 copies of 'The Best Sing Along Album in the World Ever'. Says its against company policy"
"Tell her to put the assistant on and give the phone to me" said James
Nude-Nut did so and handed the receiver to James "who is this?" He said "ok Darren listen to me. This is Captain James of the British Army in Afghanistan...no this isn't a wind up...yes I am a real Captain...no I have never killed anyone with my bare hands...listen Darren this is a matter of national security, I really need those CDs...no you can't have a machine gun...oh for goodness sake, ok put her on..." James shook his head at the listening soldiers.
"Hello Tracy, listen he wants your telephone number...I know he certainly sounds a bit strange but will you do it for your country? Ok, ok, that's great thanks Tracy..." Then after a short pause "yes?... You've got them? That's great you're a star". James handed the phone back to Nude-Nut saying "I think your sister has just gone way above and beyond"
Kinders then came over. Bossman, we are nearly there but we may have an issue. We are short four paddling pools and only have around 400 quid left. We are also drawing a blank on suppliers. We've cleared out all the Argos stores within travel distance and no one else stocks them.
"Damn it, we can't fail now we are so close. Come on everyone think" pressed James.
Then from a corner of the ops tent came the slow shuffle of feet. Smurf emerged from the shadows and stopped on the edge of the group of soldiers. His brow furrowed and his lips contorted. Then from the back of his throat came a gurgling sound that turned into a plaintive moaning "uuuurgh nuuurgh, uuuurgh nuuurgh"
"I think he's trying to tell us something" said Molly "go on Smurf, spit it out"
The zombie swallowed and tried again "uuuurgh nuuuurgh, uuuurgh nuuuurgh"
Molly shook her head but Mansfield Mike was staring at Smurf with a clouded expression on his face which slowly cleared as comprehension dawned.
"sir" he said "I think he is saying 'why don't you try e-bay'"
Smurf slowly turned to Mansfield Mike and raised his finger to his nose whilst lifting his other hand to point at the private.
"He's saying your right" exclaimed James. "Well done both of you"
Mansfield Mike beamed at Smurf and patted him on the back "nice shout mate"
"Brains, let's get the computer fired up and see what we can find" ordered James.
Brains moved over to the machine and started typing. In a few moments he said "Yes, we have an internet supplier that has four pools available. There's 10 minutes left but the bidding is already at £350 pounds"
"Ok" said James "let's wait out then come in with a minute to go."
The minutes ticked away slowly. There was no change in bidding activity. Brains turned to James. The Captain bit his lip then nodded "bid £360" Brains turned back to the keyboard and entered the amount.
"Outbid sir" he said
"Ok £370" said James
The clicking of keys..." Outbid sir" came the response.
"Shit" said James. He glanced at Molly who looked steadily at him then nodded.
"£400" said James not taking his eyes from her
"Are you sure sir?" said Kinders
"Positive" said James with a smile.
"We are the top bidder sir" confirmed Brian's
All eyes were on the computer screen, focussed on a few hundred pixels in the centre of the display. The countdown had started in earnest, the red figures ticking over inexorably.
The tension was palpable in the room. James glanced across at his section, their faces eerily illuminated in the darkened ops tent by the light from the single monitor. They looked exhausted. The last few hours had been a whirlwind of frantic activity, culminating in this one final act.
Molly was by his side, so close he could feel her warmth. As the critical moment approached she unconsciously clung to his arm, her grip tightening as the numbers reached zero...
"We've won them!" Said Brains triumphantly.
The room erupted in cheers. Soldiers hugged each other and jumped up and down. James and Molly turned to each other instinctively and moved to embrace but both hesitated and then the moment was gone.
Molly blushed and said "Well done sir"
"Well done all of us" he said
He then addressed the room at large "Great effort lads. Now let's make sure all our purchases get to Brize asap. We need them loaded up and on the next transport out here pronto"
He turned back to Molly and returned her smile. They were back in business.