"Please don't make me leave. Please don't …." There she was again. Vulnerable, scared, little Em. Hotch pressed his lips together, avoiding her gaze. How could she say something like that? How could she think – even for just one moment – that he was capable of hurting her? All he wanted to do right now was walk out, walk away from the fucked-up situation - mostly because he was afraid that if he stayed, he might say something stupid (like "Don't you see that I love you?") or – even worse - something hurtful. But when he felt her gentle touch on his arm, he froze. It was only a second but it was enough to make him stay. Make him want to stay.
"I'm sorry, Aaron". Emily's voice was shaking, her voice barely a whisper, but she'd somehow brought up the courage to look him straight in the eye. Silence hung heavily in the room and Emily was sure could hear her own heartbeat. And his. But no words.
"Please say something" She begged, not knowing – or not caring – how desperate she sounded. Although she'd never wanted to admit it: For the past few days, Hotch had been her lifeline. A lifeline that she might have cut with her very own (painful, paranoid) words.
"I though you trusted me." He finally whispered, the disappointment in his voice evident. His words felt like a punch in her gut. "I don't even trust myself right now!" She spat out defensively, and only afterwards she realized it was true. Hotch frowned but didn't have to ask the question that was on his mind because Emily continued right away: "I know that you'd never hurt me. But knowing that... it's just not enough right now." She bit her lip, then decided that if there was someone who deserved the truth, it was him.
"I'm scared, Aaron. I'm scared of everything right now. The thought of eating, of drinking, of sleeping terrifies me but I'm so tired. So – so – tired. I just want everything to stop. I want to feel like myself again. I'm losing control. I'm losing – myself. I'm losing my mind. I don't know what to do. Everything is wrong. I know I'm being a textbook victim right now – overcompensating that... fatal drink in that bar by not drinking, not even eating now. God, I hysterically screamed at you not to touch me! I feel so... so cliché. And I hate myself for feeling that way but I can't help it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I... I feel like I should have never called you, should have never let you see me like this. But then I'm glad I did. Because... because you're helping. You really are."
He had never heard Emily ramble before. Hotch couldn't help but smile until the severity of the situation hit him again. "I... I don't know what to say." He confessed. "What I do know is that I want you to feel safe, Emily. To be safe. And to be honest, I don't think you should be alone right now. Not because I think you're weak and need to be taken care of but because I think that's what you think about yourself." He paused to let his words sink in. "You said earlier that you didn't even trust yourself right now." Hotch continued and Emily nodded hesitatingly, unsure what he was driving at. "I think that it's not this... whole situation that lead you to believe that. I think the reason why you came here tonight – the reason why you're finally asking for help – is because you did something - or maybe even just thought of something - that scared you. Something that made you think that you couldn't trust yourself." Touché. Emily gulped and Hotch could see the panic in her eyes. "I'm not going to make you tell me what it was." He started soothingly. "I'm not going to make you do anything you're not ready for. Let me just say what I think you should do tonight, okay? It's just a suggestion, and you don't have to, okay? Just please let me say it." She nodded bravely and Hotch continued.
"Stay here tonight, Emily. Stay here and try to sleep. I know you're scared but you're exhausted. And I'm worried about you. You're the strongest person I know but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for help." He paused, then started again: "You're safe here, Emily. And I'm willing to do anything and let you do anything you need in order to feel safe, okay? Anything. You can sleep in my bedroom and I'll take the couch. And before you ask: Yes, that's okay with me. I just want you to be able to lock the door. Not that you'd need to." He sighed. "See, now I'm the one rambling"
Hotch prayed that the low chuckle he'd heard wasn't only in his head. "You can lock the bedroom door or you can leave it unlocked. You can make me promise I will stay out of your way until tomorrow morning or you can make me kick the door in when I hear the slightest whimper. It's your call, Emily. You're in control. I'm not going to make you stay – I can't make you stay. But you have to get some rest. And – correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like you don't want to be alone right now. And that's completely fine because you don't have to." Hotch sighed. "I'm just going to shut up now and let you think about it."
Emily inhaled deeply and for a brief moment, Hotch was sure she was going to shake her head or run away or start crying – but she didn't. Instead, she looked up to him, let out a shaky breath and – when she realized she couldn't trust her voice right now – slowly nodded her approval.