Rick struggled up the slope away from the prison. His legs continued to crumple underneath him going uphill and his breathing was heavily laboured. His injuries were heavy and blood slowly dribbled out of his mouth causing him to cough violently. He looked back to see smoke and the destruction rise from the prison and its grounds. People were fleeing in any and all directions to get away from the amassing Walkers that were slowly heading towards the dead bodies dotting the grounds.
Rick felt a hoarse cry rise from his sore throat. He looked down to see his son's body in his arms. He couldn't leave his son's body to be devoured, he already failed his wife in that respect – he won't his son.
He struggled through the rough terrain for a couple hours with Carl in his arms that were becoming unbearably sore. Suddenly Rick pitched forward and fell right on the wound on his stomach. He let out a pitched cry and curled instinctively as he cradled his wound. For a few moments he remained like this, his body slowly giving up yet his mental state still willing to go on. He looked over to where his son's body was when he saw it.
Its feet shuffled across the ground. The close familiar stench as its finger wrapped around the boy's arm ready to take a good chunk from it. Without thinking Rick tackled the Walker to the ground and slammed his fists into its face repeatedly until it was nothing more than a scrambled mess. Rick huffed as lack of oxygen took hold. He sat back down ignoring the pain and slumped forward. His eyes starting to close despite his protests and his muscles giving an occasional spasm. Slowly he rose to his feet but couldn't get a grip and fell. Rick tried again, this time succeeding and started to dig in a large patch of soft soil with his hands.
After an hour of continuous work Rick collapsed onto the side unable to move. He looked at his work seeing how he only managed to dig a foot down with his meagre energy. He looked over at his son's body which was still there, the blood had long since hardened and was turning dark.
"I…."
Rick tried to speak but his words caught in his throat as something. He grabbed the back of his son's shirt and gently placed him in the grave. Clearly struggling he filled it back up the best he could and then ran off.
XXXXXX
Rick often wondered what happened to his son's body. He had tried to cover it up the best he could with what dirt he had. But the hole was too shallow, and the dirt wasn't exactly the best kind as it had rocks, sticks, roots and other junk. Rick knew that some of his clothes were sticking out too. He didn't want to think the worst, but the thought of a Walkers managing to devour his son's corpse terrified him. His wife was already eaten, he never wanted his son to have that fate.
He looked ahead to see Sawyer only a couple steps. He often wondered what Carl saw the in boy. He wondered if his son stuck around him because of what Sawyer had being through. Rick only heard bits and pieces never having the full story but the parts he heard were never nice. Most of them contained content of Sawyer and Lily running from something, or Sawyer trying to fight something off but there was one particular part in which Rick was most interested.
"Who's Marco?"
Sawyer looked back, his expression was neutral.
"A man who was in my parent's group, why?"
Rick shrugged. "It's a name that's always popped up whenever the kids talked about you or your sister."
Sawyer didn't respond instead kept walking.
"What happened?"
"Pardon?"
"To your parents' group, what happened?"
Sawyer didn't respond and Rick was wondering if he was purposely ignoring him.
"Things...," the boy whispered. He wanted to go on but was slightly embarrassed. He was in front of a man who had being able bring two groups who were pitted against each other and convince them to be able to live in peace together.
The boy shut down immediately and Rick realized that he hit a sore spot.
"What did they say?"
Rick let out a small breath.
"Only mentioned when your sister mentioned your parents."
Sawyer closed his eyes thinking about Lily. He knew that his sister wanted to look out for him, that she wanted to grow up fast for him so that he wouldn't have to worry so much. Sawyer allowed it to happen, he didn't mind Lily wanting to try new things he already allowed her to use a knife and she had killed Walkers not as many as the boy had but enough to know how to protect herself.
At Woodbury she would try and get the adults involved by telling them things that Sawyer wanted to keep secret. He would try to tell the adults that Lily was lying and the young girl in return wouldn't understand why her brother would say that. It seemed that she had yet to understand the concept of privacy. And sometimes that would cause problems.
XXXXXX
Hershel looked out into the centre area of Cell Block B. A couple people were milling around, a woman was talking to Lily who had obviously being crying and there was someone standing guard at Sawyer's cell. He had seen the boy jumpy when he got here but that was typical for a ten year old, however from what they heard it was definitely not normal.
In front of the medic was of course Rick as well as Daryl just in case. Some people said that the boy wasn't doing well physically, with vomiting and migraines. The medic hoped that it wasn't what everyone was worrying about, Sawyer was a great student, caught onto everything easily and retained it even better.
"We all know the plan right?" the leader said quietly so only the two men could here.
Daryl shuffled not really liking it if things went south but it was a tough world and tough choices had to be made. He nodded and so did Hershel.
The three continued towards the cell and once people saw them gave them room to do whatever they had to by leaving. When Lily saw them she started to panic, the woman tried to pull her away but she broke free of the grip and stood in front of her brother's room.
"It's not what you think!" she cried as she felt the guard's hand wrap around her upper arm. "Please don't kill him!"
Before Rick could say a word Hershel stepped forward. "We just need to see what sort of illness your brother has, don't worry."
Lily bit her lip and tighten her shoulders, clearly she had something to say but couldn't get it out.
"H-he's…."
Lily was unable to finish as the guard started to pull her out of the way and towards the door. All the poor girl could do was look back with a heavy heart.
Rick pulled open the curtain to see the boy lying on the bed, his hand were cuffed to the bottom rung. When he saw the leader enter he started to panic.
"W-wait!" Sawyer cried his voice cracked. "Please, listen there has been a mistake!"
He saw Daryl and Hershel behind his leader, the boy's eyes widened and he shrank back. The medic stepped forward and whispered to Rick who nodded. He stepped inside setting his med-kit down. The other two remained where they were watching the interaction.
"It's alright Sawyer," Hershel started calmly, first calm the boy. "We've being getting reports of some violent behaviour, is that true?"
Sawyer opened then closed his mouth. After a few beats he spoke.
"I had a nightmare that's all," he said hardly above a whisper.
"What about the vomiting and migraines?"
"I…I've had it before…back in W-Woodbury…."
Out of the corner of his eye, Sawyer could see Rick shift.
"And what did they do back when you had these fits?"
"Dr. Stevens would give me some pills, than…they'd stop."
Hershel nodded but also saw a problem with this. They most likely didn't have the medication that was given to the boy, so that would mean he'd have to learn to deal with it through mental techniques.
"I'm just going to check a couple things," Hershel said pulling a few instruments from his bag. Sawyer nodded and allowed Hershel to check his heart, lungs, throat and eyes.
"Can you lift your shirt please?"
Sawyer went ridged, his fingers at the hem of his shirt holding it down. Hershel asked again but Sawyer kept his shirt down, this cause Hershel to take definite note.
"Have you ever being abused? You or your sister?"
Sawyer didn't say anything.
"Have you had these fits before the apocalypse?"
Sawyer shook his head. Hershel nodded again then pardoned himself.
Outside Hershel took the two a couple steps away from the room.
"From the sounds of it, it's severe anxiety that's brought on by whatever happened in the past," Hershel said. "He doesn't have a fever, and everything sounds good."
Daryl seemed a bit relieved while Rick didn't give any expressional change. Hershel looked at the hunter who took the hint and left.
"I don't know what brings it on, but it might have something to do with his parents or – lack of," Hershel said.
Rick let out a sigh.
When they were assigning cell blocks to the people Rick was unsure of where to put the siblings. Sawyer and Lily seemed adamant on staying with either having a room for the pair or at least beside each other. Due to space issues, they ended up having to split Sawyer and Lily up which ended up causing a huge disagreement. After the first night, Daryl practically tripped over Sawyer who had snuck out of his room to sleep in front of Lily's. Sawyer kept saying that despite his 'childish' actions he'd continue to do it or leave with his sister. Neither wanted the pair out on their own so, in the end a young woman agreed to switch with Lily, even though she was on the top floor and Sawyer on the bottom – the siblings would be together.
Rick had tried for a little while to get to the bottom of the situation with the siblings himself, but with upgrades to the prison and a whole lot more people to attend to, it slipped his mind.
"I could try to see what it wrong," Hershel said. "See if he'll open up."
Rick nodded. "Lily has being asking Glenn about being a Runner when she's old enough, I'll talk to him."
"I've also seen Carl stick around Sawyer," Hershel noted.
Rick nodded having seen the interaction himself. He wondered what caused his son's sudden change in behaviour. At first he didn't like any of the people, despite his father's acts to try and get him to engage some of the youth Carl outright refused and would retreat either to his room or up to Judith's crib. Then all of a sudden he started to speak with Sawyer, the timid ten year- old.
But Rick knew that people especially children can be stubborn about things they want to keep secret.
"If not we'll have to teach him how to control his anxiety," Hershel said as if reading the man's mind.
Rick nodded knowing that it was the best idea.
XXXXXX
Rick looked at Sawyer wondering if he ever had gotten the anxiety under control. He had an attack not too longer after the first one but this time everyone knew what it was and reacted accordingly. When Hershel talked to Sawyer during one of his lessons he learned that Sawyer and Lily spent about nine months alone in the forest by themselves before the Governor found them. He didn't go much into detail but from what Hershel had learned, the Governor saved them – plain and simple.
The leader felt his hand instinctively curl into a fist despite his bruised muscles. He couldn't even think about the man's name (real or title) without feeling intense hatred. Every fibre in his body hated the man. He looked over at Sawyer who was only five seconds from falling asleep. His breath was steady and one hand was slightly curled around the handle of his hatchet. When Rick had heard that the siblings had survived on their own he was completely baffled and taken aback. He didn't know how either would've survived especially at the time when Sawyer was supposedly only nine and Lily supposedly eight.
He often wondered how it had being for the young kids, what they see around them, what they understand. Carl was ten when the apocalypse started and it was devastating for him, from what Lori had told him he would have violent nightmares and had wet himself a couple times during the first week. Every noise startled him and at the end of his rope, he started to cry when he was jump scared by a squirrel jumping from one tree branch to another.
Sawyer, now at the age of Carl when it all started, seemed rather calm despite the anxiety attacks. His survival skills were near par with most adults he had seen and of course his medical skills were beyond words. Carl hadn't really started helping out until he had fully recovered from his gu-.
Slap! The sound struck through the air and woke Sawyer who gripped his hatchet tightly. Astonished the boy looked at his leader who had an angry red mark on his cheek it was clear he was conflicted even looked slightly out of it.
"…Sir….?"
Rick blinked thrice coming out of his daze. He turned away embarrassed by his sudden action.
"Go back to sleep," Rick muttered.
At first Sawyer didn't quite understand, but as he replayed the mumbled words he did as he was told and leaned into the tree wondering. He was wondering what would've triggered Rick off like that – though he hazard a guess. With silence the boy closed his eyes and allowed for sleep to take over again.
Rick waited until he could hear the faint breath of the youth; steady – in and out. His hands cupped his head and he gripped his hair until he felt that it was going to be ripped out. Rick let out a silent scream until he ran out of air.
He did it again. He forced himself to calm – Sawyer was merely a boy who had happened to find him, he is healing Rick, who is grateful. But Carl was his son, his flesh and blood who can never be replaced.
Rick had thought about when some of the women from Woodbury came into the prison. After the first week a young-ish woman started to flirt with him, she would do chores around him and talk to him sometimes asking rather personal questions. Rick, reluctantly, allowed it to happen. He answered all the questions and even allowed her to get close enough that if she rose on her tippy-toes they would kiss. Suddenly the thought of her made him falter and literally push the woman away. Later in the week he tried to apologize and even kiss her, but the woman rebuffed his advances and ended up with someone else.
Even though he wanted – needed – to move on, he couldn't. Rick didn't know what was wrong, he didn't understand. He knew that his grief for his wife Lori was normal, and when the woman made an advance he did feel ready to continue on with his life. Sure it would be hard for Carl as well to accept a new woman in place of his biological mother, but the boy needed someone with a tender heart so that his wouldn't go to hard.
Rick had often wondered and sometimes worried over Carl's own fate. To have to ultimately put down one's own mother was very traumatic, and after Carl had told him he would immediately clam up when the topic came up. When they were settled into the prison, Rick had tried to have a conversation with him while the two were raking out fields on the grounds. After about ten minutes of constant pestering and awkward silent moments, Carl angrily threw down the rake and marched off into the forest. Rick and five others went out searching for his son who was never found until the next morning when he was seen marching up the path. Blood and guts were on his clothes and his knife was broken. When Michonne went out searching for where the youth had stayed, she had reported that over twenty Walkers bodies freshly killed.
Rick looked over at Sawyer who was taking out the meat. He divided up portions and tossed one to Rick who caught it, silently grateful as his stomach started softly growling again. He dug in ravenously he couldn't remember the last thing that had passed his lips. When the two were done, they split one more portion before the sun went down.
More full than he had being in four days, Rick tried to get comfortable against the tree but failed miserably. Content with curling up into a ball, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
XXXXXX
"Why did you do it?"
Carl looked at Sawyer slightly irritated. But the boy's curious face made the youth speak.
"Because I could."
"That's dumb."
Without thinking Carl let out a light chuckle. He felt a prod on his back, looking up he saw Daryl pass but the man had a slight scowl on his face. Carl returned the expression gladly then turned back to Sawyer.
"I don't know why everyone's so pissy about it," Carl finally said leaning up against the bar.
The two found a quiet place on the second floor in Sawyer's cell block. The one Carl was in was always loud in the day as that was where his father and entire group were sleeping. After his venture into the forest two days ago, the boy had being placed under strict supervision. He had thought he had slipped it for a couple minutes – guess not.
The boys watched the hunter walk back down the steps and towards the main cell block.
"Off to tell my dad no doubt," Carl said dimly.
"You did scare him," Sawyer reminded.
"It was hardly a day!"
"I'm surprised he didn't take the entire encampment with him when he first went out."
Carl clicked his tongue in frustration. "You and your sister both survived nine months alone, with no one else. I can most definitely survive barely a day!"
Sawyer turned away, he could sense his friend's frustration clearly. But he also wanted to remind Carl that he didn't want to be out in the forest alone for those nine months. It wasn't a choice.
"What happened?"
Sawyer paused, unsure of what to say. He knew that Hershel was asking questions similar to Carl, but his took a bit of time to decipher before understanding what he meant. Sawyer knew that the medic was trying to be kind and gentle, but the boy was beyond those feelings.
"M…my dad had a group, like yours he was leader of it. But there was an uprising when the group was going through a rough patch."
Carl turned away looking out into the bare cell block. His father was lucky in a way that he was able to hold his group together through all the times they had.
Sawyer refused to say anymore. He wasn't sure whether or not Carl would tell his father. It wasn't that he was distrusting of Rick or his group, but he didn't want sympathy over something that he was struggling to let go.
"What about your mom?" Carl asked his voice slightly depressed on the word 'mom'.
Sawyer paused and for a split second it looked like he was going to cry.
"She was there too," he finally said.
Carl asked what happened – Sawyer didn't reply. There was a silence between the two boys that was hard to shatter. It was a calming silence but one with numerous questions underlying on both sides.
"Did you always use blades?" Carl asked knowing that the siblings had three knives and a hatchet between them.
"Yes," Sawyer responded. "Dad was supposed to teach us how to shoot but never got the chance."
He took out the knife and flipped it, handing it over to Carl who was eager to accept the blade. It was a very simple hunting knife but one that was clearly sharp and the handle well carved.
"My uncle worked in a blacksmith shop he would create specialized tools and parts for the various manufacturing shops around the city. He made one for me and Lily, for our birthdays – mom was livid."
Sawyer started to chuckle and so did Carl.
"But when the apocalypse happened, she took them out again."
"My mom wouldn't allow me to have anything," Carl said. "She wanted to keep me protected."
Sawyer could hear the tension in Carl's words. He wondered why he was so anxious in fighting so badly. Was there something Carl was trying to make up for? Sawyer knew all about making up for bad choices.
"But you know how to fight now," Sawyer said trying to cheer up his new friend.
Carl didn't answer.
"I can teach you how to shoot."
Sawyer looked over to Carl with wide eyes. The older boy looked at his young friend he held a rather defiant look.
"I…I do-."
"Doesn't matter what my dad thinks, they couldn't fix the large hole in the back of the prison, so they put up a fence but we can climb over it easily."
"How-," Sawyer answered his own question, Carl had already done so.
"But your gun."
"I know where Daryl hides the emergency stash, we can take from there."
Before Sawyer could answer a voice shouted up to the pair. They looked down to see Rick who called again for his son to come down.
"I'll see you tonight," Carl left Sawyer there, speechless and stunned.
Once the father and son disappeared, Sawyer let out a small sigh and clenched his hands tight until he could feel his fingernails dig deep into his palm. He felt like screaming. Was it because he was trying to forget the part, all of it - and his only friend wanted to run towards it? He started to wonder whether or not leaving with Lily was a good idea. Sawyer was never prepared for this.
With a heavy heart, he turned back into his room.