Evening all. Right, a new chapter is on the slipway just waiting for someone to smash the champagne bottle on its hull and watch it slide into the waters of the fan fic sea. I have no idea where that nautical metaphor came from but there you are. In this chapter I have re-imagined one of the scenes from the OG series so I should extend my heart felt apologies to TG and the BBC for once again subverting their wonderful creation and to the host of loyal fans of the show who hold it so dear. Thank you so much for the wonderful comments on the last chapter, and for pointing out my spelling mistake Pinerug! Of course I only put them in to keep you on your toes:-). Really hope you enjoy this next installment.
James watched as three section filed into the APC before climbing in himself and pulling shut the rear door.
"Ok, let's go" he said into his head set and held on as the vehicle jerked into motion, headed out of the base and into the open desert.
James glanced behind to make sure that Sheriff Wyatt's patrol car was following then settled back in his seat.
"Sir?" Called Mansfield Mike from the front of the vehicle "Do you think we are going to be long?"
"Hard to say Corporal. Why, have you got somewhere else to be?"
"Well its just that Mayor Hambleton has asked me to judge the cactus show in town this evening" replied Mansfield Mike
James stared at the soldier "Why didn't you say something Corporal? Just tell Brains where the show is and we can drop you off"
"Really sir?"
"No, not really. I think this is slightly more important, don't you?"
"I suppose Boss. Its just that Mayor Hambleton was very keen I was there. Some of these cactuses have taken years to grow. If I'm a no show he might get a bit..."
"Prickly?" Said James with a smile
"Yes, sir" replied Mansfield
"I am sure the Mayor will understand" reassured James
The small convoy left the dirt road leading from the temporary base and drove onto the main highway into town. James looked at his watch and then addressed the whole section
"O.K, ETA at the White Ranch, 15 minutes. Remember this is a working farm so let's try and avoid any encounters with grumpy livestock. You'll also need to be carefull where your treading, these places are normally rife with various kinds of animal shit, some of it so big its perfectly capable of sucking your boot right off"
"Sir" intoned three section
James continued "When we get there we will split into two squads, one to storm the barn which will be led by myself, the other to surround the building and pick up any zombies that make it out, which will be led by Mansfield. We will rendezvous with Tom White at the barn who will confirm whether the targets are present and, if so, how many there are. Remember, this is a covert operation so we are on silent mode. We don't want Mrs White to know that we are there or that her son is in any way involved"
The vehicles soon came in sight of the White Ranch and James ordered Brains to pull over and kill the lights, not wanting to get too near for fear of attracting attention. Three section then piled out of the APC and joined Wyatt who already had a pair of binoculars trained on the ranch. He looked up to nod to James then returned to his scrutiny of the farmstead.
"Any movement?" Asked James
"Nothin' yet...hold on" Wyatt adjusted the focus on the binoculars "Tom's just headin' out, over there"
James brought up his own binoculars and stared in the direction of Wyatt's raised finger. The distant buildings became much larger in his field of vision and as he scanned the side of one long structure he caught a movement in the fading twilight. "Got him" he murmured and followed the small figure as it walked quickly towards an old wooden barn at the far end of the farm complex, carrying a large canvas sack.
"OK, three section follow me" said James as he left the side of the road and skirted the fence line of the adjacent pasture heading towards the distant ranch. As they neared the outlying buildings James signalled to his detachment to crouch lower to the ground then made quickly for the cover of some small sheds on the edge of a large yard area. Beyond the open space was the barn Tom had recently entered.
James noted the lay of the land between their position and the zombies hiding place. He turned to Wyatt and his men "Looks like the ground to the left has been pretty churned up by a large number of animals and I can smell the cow dung from here so best avoid that area. Once the boy has confirmed contact we'll deploy from the right. Mansfield, you and your men will take up positions around the front and back doors. I will lead the frontal assault with Smurf, Brains and Baz Vegas. Lance Corporal James, you will remain here with Sheriff Wyatt. Understood?"
"Sir" came the whispered reply
Moments later the door of the barn was pushed open slightly. A small figure then slipped out and ran across the yard area. Wyatt made a low whistling noise with his teeth and Tom White altered course slightly to join the hiding figures.
Wyatt grabbed the boys upper arm and whispered "You OK Tom?"
The boys head could be seen to nod slightly in the gathering gloom.
"They there?" Continued the Sheriff.
Again another nod.
"All of 'em?"
"Yep" murmured the boy "They're all eatin' now"
"OK, y'all run home to your mom, ya hear? And don't you be comin' back out no time soon" cautioned Wyatt.
"Yes sir" replied Tom but hesitated "Y' ain't gonna hurt them are ya Sheriff?"
Wyatt looked at James "No son, we're here to help them" he said
The boy nodded sullenly then turned and ran away in the direction of the farm house.
James watched the boy go then faced his troops. "OK, ready? Go"
He sprinted to the barn followed by his detachment then pause as the rest of the section took up their positions. He then turned to his small group of troops, raised his arm and brought it down sharply to signal the attack.
James led the charge to the door of the barn and kicked it open. He entered the space beyond with a roar, followed by his men. He spotted the zombies almost immediately standing in shocked surprise in the middle of the barn, illuminated by a couple of gas lanterns. James flung himself into a roll and came up at the crouch, an antidote wand ready in each hand. He then yelled again and sprang into another roll which took him nearer the group, coming up once more with arms raised ready to plunge the sticks into the first neck that presented itself.
The zombies had not moved and continued to gawp at James. The Major paused then bellowed another challenge, brandishing his weapons menacingly. The zombies looked at one another then back at James who had now lowered his arms and was wearing a deep frown.
Brains siddled up to his officer "Errr...they're not very good at the whole mindless feeding frenzy on anything that moves thing are they sir?"
"Indeed they're not private" said James surveying the silent group of figures pensively.
Then from among the huddled figures emerged a female zombie with her arms raised.
"Oh here we go" said Brains levelling his rifle "A bit pathetic but better than nothing I suppose"
"Hang on Brains, I'm not sure she's..." But before he could finish Smurf had moved forward and placed a hand on the barrel of Brains gun, pressing gently down so the nozzle was directed towards the ground.
James watched Smurf closely as the zombie soldier stared transfixed at the woman. She in turn met his intense gaze before then taking a breath and releasing a series of plaintive groans.
James activated his radio and spoke into his headset "Corporal I need you in here now. The rest of you maintain your positions"
Mansfield Mike doubled into the barn and stopped dead in confusion. "What's going on sir?"
"I need you to translate what that woman is saying" said James
Mansfield listened carefully as the woman repeated her sequence of groans and grunts then shook his head "Sorry sir, she's speaking a dialect I don't understand. My guess is its a south east Asian variety of agglutinative language where words contain different morphemes to determine their meaning. Although this does result in more deductable words than, say, fusional languages you need to know what the morphemes mean in the first place"
James stared at the Corporal "You just made all that up didn't you?"
"Err, yes sir, her accent is just a bit thick" admitted Mansfield
"Well Smurf seems to understand her, so can he translate into English Zombie?" asked James
Mansfield called over to his friend "What's she saying Smurf?"
The zombie continued to stare at the woman enraptured
"Smurf, wakey-wakey"
Still no response
"Smurf!"
The soldier seemed to snap out of his trance and looked at the corporal with a frown
"Can you translate?"
Smurf looked once more at the woman and let out a series of grunts
Mansfield shook his head "I don't care if she's got the reddest eyes and the greenest mucus you have ever seen"
Smurf then murmured something under his breath.
"And I would avoid doing that with her in a hammock, believe me it will play havoc with your manhood, even if yours does have zombie strength. Now what is she saying you randy old goat?"
Smurf paused to listen to the woman again then nodded, turned to Mansfield and rattled out a succession of groans and snorts
Mansfield in turn faced James and said "I am Doctor Kyung-sook of the University of Pyongyang and I formally request political asylum for me and my companions"
James stared at the Corporal, then at the woman, then at the corporal again.
"Are you bloody sure?" Asked James
Mansfield looked at Smurf, who repeated the sequence of noises he had previously made
"Yes sir, positive" replied Mansfield Mike
"Errr, OK I think we better get the Sheriff in here" said James.
Baz Vegas doubled out of the barn and into the night, returning a short time later with Wyatt and Molly, who had followed curious to see what was going on.
Wyatt looked at the zombies in distaste "It done?" He asked
"No, there has been a. ...complication" said James and outlined the zombies request.
The sheriff took off his Stetson and scratched his head "Can they even do that?"
"I haven't a clue but I can't proceed until we know for sure" admitted James "This is a matter for the US government I think"
"That's the damnedest thing I ever heard" said Wyatt in a baffled tone "One things for sure though, we gotta get them out of here"
"Agreed" said James "I assume taking them back to your office will cause some issues, so I propose we accommodate them at our base and contact our government liaison"
Wyatt nodded but Molly then spoke up
"Shouldn't we transform them sir? They wouldn't draw attention then"
James paused then looked at Smurf who translated.
The group of zombies became very agitated and Dr Kyung-Sook let out a series of urgent grunts
Smurf relayed the response to Mansfield who grimaced and turned to James " They're all deceased sir. We'd just end up with a bunch f dead bodies."
The Major nodded solemnly then asked Smurf to explain to the zombies what they were planning before giving the order to move. They trooped out into the darkness of the yard where James paused to ensure they were all mustered.
"Where the bloody hell is Dangles" he asked and started to scan the darkness.
Just then a gun shot shattered the silence of the night immediately followed by the sound of a bullet thudding into the door of the barn and dislodging a large splinter of wood inches from Dr Kyung-Sook's head. Everyone ducked just before a second shot rang out and a cry of despair was heard in the distance.
"Man down, man down!" Came the cry from several voices at once
"What's happened!" Shouted James over the din
"Man down, sir...I think its Dangles" said Baz Vegas "He said earlier he thought he had heard something and was going to check it out"
"Has anyone got eyes on" asked James
They all put on their night vision scopes and piered into the night
"100 metres. Hard left. Beyond the fence" called Molly
"Its the bloody shit field! What's he doing in the bloody shit field?" Cried James
Dangleberries panicked voice then came through the radio "I've fallen over avoiding the shooter and I'm covered in turds"
"Dangles, what direction was your contact?" Said James into his headset
"Oh god I stink!" Came the response from the stricken soldier
"He needs a medic" stated Mansfield Mike
Molly then snapped into action "I can get to him sir. I've been dodging dog shit on the streets of East Ham all my life. They don't call it the Barking Road for nothing"
James glared at her "No fucking way. Wait out"
Molly grimaced "Just cos I'm your wife sir, I don't want special treatment. I'm the medic, I should go"
James shot an anguished look at Molly then shouted "Brains, Baz with me. Move. Move. Move."
The three of them covered Molly as she ran to the fence and climbed over it.
"Molly, Molly its all over my hands" cried Dangleberries from the other side of the field.
"Stay calm, Dangles" encouraged Molly who started to carefully pick her way between the large, steaming pats of malodorous slurry.
"You alright Molly?" Asked a worried James through the headset
"Sir, I'm going to need several buckets of water and lots of cloths" replied Molly.
James spoke into his radio and issued orders to the section then turned to Baz and Brains and said "I want you covering them as they're moving."
Molly was halfway across the field by then and skirting a particularly nasty pile of dung when she slipped and lost her balance. For a heart stopping moment she flailed her arms in the air in a desperate attempt to stay upright before toppling over with a frightened yelp.
"Molly" cried James, and again "Molly"
"Can anyone see her?" Asked Baz Vegas
"I've got eyes on" said Brains "She ain't moving sir"
Molly lay motionless on the ground, the blood pounding in her ears, her limbs shaking from the shock of the fall. She slowly raised her head and looked down the length of her body.
James' frantic voice reached her from the fence line "Molly, are you all right?"
"I'm alright, I'm alright sir" she called out, then to herself "I can't believe I got away without even a skid mark"
Molly then slowly got up and covered the remaining few yards to where Dangleberries lay, flies buzzing around the excrement which caked his body. Taking off her pack, the medic rummaged inside and pulled out a new pack of wet wipes. She ripped open the lid and plucked out several moist cloths before starting to wipe the worst of the doings from the soldiers face and hands.
"Mum swears by these" she said to Dangleberries "Nothing better for dealing with exploding pooh situations she says"
When the worst of the mess had been removed Molly spoke into her head set "Sir, I'm going to have to get him out of here now. Its all over him and if we don't get it off soon, I'll never be able to get the smell out of his uniform"
"Absolutely no way. Do you hear me? There is a sniper out there and you'll be a sitting target. No way!"
Molly grimaced "Sir, your breaking up. I think my headset got damaged when I fell. We're coming out" and so saying she helped Dangleberries to his feet and started to support him back across the field.
The rest of the section started to call encouragement from the edge of the yard and cheered as the two soldiers eventually clambered over the fence.
James crossed his arms and looked stern faced as Molly approached "I should've known you would do that from the last time" he said "Marrying you hasn't made a jot of difference i see. What happened to honour and obey?"
Molly smiled "Oh, sorry I thought that bit was meant for you"
James frowned and nodded towards the collection of buckets the remainder of the section had managed to scavange from surrounding buildings "Go and get washed up both of you"
He watched his wife walk away and shook his head "Not a jot of difference" he said again to himself "Thank goodness"
James then turned to Mansfield "Right we need to do a sweep of the area, make sure our sniper isn't still with us. Take..." But before James could finish there was a distant gun shot followed by a woman's scream from the direction of the farm house.
He looked in that direction and then across at Wyatt who was already moving with his gun in his hand crying "Lizzie, oh god, Lizzie"...