Right, here we go with the next chapter which has been wrought from the base metal of my imagination and fired in the furnace of creativity. Its edge has then been honed on the whet stone of my determination and its surface buffed to a glittering sheen with the cloth of my life experience. God I write some drivel don't I? I mean its bad enough me expecting you to read these self indulgent introductions without extending a metaphor until it literally screams for mercy. Anyway, I hope you like what I have written and thank you from the bottom of my unworthy whatever for sticking with me on this.

James watched as the last of his troops left the base. Unlike other deployments they were leaving in ones and twos and dressed in civilian clothes, making their way to Southampton via different routes and types of transport. This was necessary so as to maintain the pretence that they were all joining the cruise ship Demeter from seperate destinations as either passengers or crew.

The deployment was the culmination of two weeks intensive training in preparation for this unusual mission. As James walked back to his quarters to prepare for his own departure he reflected on the previous fourteen days preparation. It had certainly started inauspiciously with the revelation that his parents were booked on the very ship the SZS had identified as the base for their operation. As soon as he was able, he had contacted Colonel Morley with the news:

"We will have to find another way Colonel, their presence will make the mission completely impractical" asserted James

"I don't see why Major, in fact their being on board provides additional cover. No one will suspect you of being on operation if you are there with your parents." Countered Morley

"But who knows what we are heading into?. I don't want to put them in any danger" replied James

"I understand your concern. However the intel is unclear so far, we don't know what the relevance of the ship is" replied Morley "And even if it is being targeted, what better way to protect them than to have two sections of SZS on board?"

"What about my freedom of action? They are sure to become suspicious" tried James

"These cruise ships are huge with lots of different activities, I am sure you will be able to undertake the mission with out their getting in the way' responded Morley confidently

" But they're mad!" Blurted James in desperation "They have bloody well lost their marbled. You should have been there this weekend, it was excruciating"

Morley had laughed "James, we all think our parents have lost it but really they're just...set in their ways. I remember my father doing all sort of strange things some years back"

"Really?" Said James "How did you cope?"

"I had the maniac committed, but I'm sure your folks aren't that bad" reassured Morley "I think you're worrying too much, it'll be fine"

James had seen he was going to get nowhere arguing his case and had reluctantly let the matter drop for the time being although he remained concerned at the prospect of having to deal with his unhinged parents in the midst of a difficult mission.

The following morning, James had received his orders and had studied them carefully before calling an initial mission briefing. Once one and two sections were assembled he had outlined the background to the deployment and the nature of the operation itself.

"We will be embedded as passengers and crew in the cruise ship Demeter. Now, this isn't some cross channel ferry we are talking about, its a 400 metre long Emperor Class liner, one of the biggest passenger craft afloat. Its basically a floating town with shops, restaurants, a casino, a theatre, cinema, three swimming pools...its even got a nine hole golf course. Yes Nude Nut?"

"Has it got a Nandos Sir?" Asked the private

James had consulted his briefing sheet "It appears not"

"Might as well be a pedalo then sir" came the reply to general laughter

"OK, settle down" said James with a smile "I fear you might be right Nude Nut, but we will have to rough it for Queen and Country." James had then returned to his briefing:

"Our presence on the ship will be known only to the Captain, the first officer and their head of security. Everyone else will think we are just working as crew or on holiday and it will be essential to keep it that way"

"Any idea what we are looking for sir?" asked Lieutenant Samuels

James had frowned "No, I'm afraid the intelligence is a bit sketchy so we will have to be prepared for anything. It may be that the ship is a target for the next attack, in which case our role will be to engage with the enemy in the normal way. However, the vessel may be significant in some other way, so we will have to keep our ears to the ground and report anything suspicious."

Mansfield Mike had then raised his hand a little reluctantly. When James nodded at him the corporal had asked "Sir, does the ship actually, you know, bob"

James had stared at the man "Bob?"

"Yes sir, like, does it go up and down?"

"Well I imagine that, despite its size, it is still subject to the action of the ocean's swell" James had confirmed.

Mansfield had thrown a questioning look at Brains who had rolled his eyes and nodded "Yes it bobs"

"Oh right, its just that I am prone to a bit of sea sickness sir" continued the corporal

"A bit?" Said Fingers "Sir, he gets queezy standing in a puddle. He even looked a bit peeky at the bar of The Ship pub the other day"

"Ah, that's cos he was getting a round in" put in Kinders

James had raised his hands up "Ok, I get the message. Lance Corporal James, I wonder if you might look into what can be done to deal with the issue"

"Sir, I'll try and find something to help with the sea sickness, but I don't think I'll have anything that will cure being a tight wad" replied Molly

After the laughter had died down James had continued.

"There are various crew roles which have been alloted to us and Lieutenant Samuels and I have gone through these this morning in an effort to allocate them amongst you" James had then picked up a separate sheet of paper "Right, Dangles, you're the new pianist in the Occidental bar."

"That's a mistake is it sir?" Asked Dangles

"No, you're a great player, I am sure you'll be fine" replied Charles

"The bar I mean, sir" said Dangles

"What?" James had queried in confusion but then realisation had dawned "Occidental not accidental you twerp. Its another word for Europe."

"Oh, right you are sir"

James had then consulted his sheet again

"Nude Nut, you'll be a waiter in the Barbary Restaurant, while Kinders, Mansfield, Brains and Fingers, you'll work in one of the shops on board"

"What sort of shop sir?" The sergeant had asked.

"We're still working that out, but they tend to be the exclusive, high end sort, so nothing too taxing"

James had then gone down the rest of the list divying out the remaining roles. "OK, that's it. Lieutenant Samuels, Lance Corporal James and myself will masquerade as passengers which should give us the freedom to move between you coordinating activity. Any questions?" James had looked around the room but no one had indicated a query.

"OK" he said "We have 14 days in which to learn our parts and modify our standard drills to suit a maritime environment. We start this afternoon. Dismissed."

The next few days had been filled with frenetic activity, including the construction of a wooden replica of a section of the liner to enable them to recreate a possible battle at sea. It was during one of these simulations that James was informed that specialist trainers had arrived to take the selected men through their retail training so as to enable them to staff one of the on board shops. James called the relevant individuals together and they gathered in the briefing room to wait.

Shortly after, Private Peters had appeared and asked if he should show the trainers in. When James nodded the man had disappeared and presently the sound of singing was heard approaching down the corridor. James looked towards the door in confusion. The song had been familiar...something from Gilbert and Sullivan. It grew louder until suddenly Jonathan Beck had appeared through the door, dressed in a white sailor outfit, complete with collar and hat and in full voice:

"We sail the ocean blue,

And our saucy ships a beauty;

We're sober men and true,

And attentive to our duty"

James had shaken his head in astonishment "Jonathan, what are you doing here?"

His former CO had smiled and shrugged "You know how this works by now Charles, our beloved author is in a narrative hole and needs digging out, so he turns to old faithful here. He's found an incredibly contrived way of introducing me into the story line and expects me to inject a much needed dash of humour"

"Oh, OK" said James, "Sooo, I assume the shop these guys will be working in is yours?"

"Got it in one" Replied Beck "I am opening outlets on the big cruise liners now and the Demeter is my latest. I've brought along my best trainer...where is she?" Jonathan then turned back towards the door "Carole, you can come in now, I've made my signature entrance"

At that a lady in her early thirties had walked in in a business suit, wearing glasses and with her hair drawn up into a tight bun.

Jonathan continued "Carole here will take your boys through the company induction after I give them the standard spiel"

He had then turned and faced the trainees while James took a seat at the back of the room.

"Welcome, to the Jonathan family" Beck had begun "We have one central tenant which underlies our whole business model and it is simply that everyone can look great with their clothes off"

With that he had looked at Carole who moved centre stage, at the same time dramatically removing a pin from her hair and shaking her head, thereby releasing her long, luxurious locks to cascade down her back. She had then removed her glasses and started to unbutton her suit jacket.

Brains had clapped his hands and called out "This is how all my favourite DVDs begin!" The rest of the detail had joined in with wolf whistles and shouts of encouragement while Carole continued to undress. Eventually she had stood in front of them in just her underwear.

Jonathan had then continued "Carole is modelling one of our best selling products, the black lace basque with matching suspender belt and garter and optional utility belt and attachments. For us underwear is not just something you wear underneath your clothes, it is a way of life. We expect all our employees to be fully committed to our aim of making peoples smalls a big part of their wardrobe."

Beck had then turned to his colleague and smiled "Thank you Carole, you can get dressed again" before once more facing the detail and saying "OK gentlemen, your turn"

The four soldiers had stared at Beck."Our turn for what?" Asked Kinders

Beck had waggled a finger at their uniforms "I want to see what you've got on under your clothes"

The sergeant had looked from Beck to his men and then imploringly at James who sat grinning. The major gave the NCO a slight nod which Kinders acknowledged in the same way and then turned to the others "Come on gents you heard Mr Beck.

The detail had reluctantly started to disrobe, draping their uniforms on the back of their chairs before standing in a line in their underpants.

Beck had travelled down the short row scrutinising each man. " Very good sergeant", he had murmured as Beck ran his eye over Kinders well muscled torso and small black briefs.

"I see you favour our classic mens range. Clean lines, well proportioned... look at the plunge on that buttock panel... Lovely...Ok, I'm back"

He had then moved onto Brains who had received an approving nod, although Beck hesitated just before passing by and had scrutinised his briefs more closely. "I detect an inferior replica private"

Brains looked abashed and admitted "Got them from a bloke down the pub sir. He said they were genuine but I should have known they were a knock off at that price"

"Indeed Brains, I already see some baginess in the waste elastic, which will only get worse, and the pouch area is showing a little wear. I fear you will lose all upward support in a few weeks. There really is no substitute for quality."

Brains nodded "Your stuff is great, but a bit pricey"

"Well" said Beck "Your staff discount card will remove that as an excuse. I will allow no other brand in my shops"

Beck had then walked on and stopped in front of Fingers. After a quick inspection he had blown out a breath and tutted.

"I thought it was only Dangleberries who got his boxers from Primark, private." He said " More effort needed I think soldier"

Fingers looked down at his crumpled white shorts and frowned "Sorry sir, I'll try harder"

Beck nodded "See that you do son"

The former Major had then passed on to Mansfield Mike but stopped dead after only a cursory glance. Becks eyelids had fluttered and he seemed to sway on the spot as if about to topple over. Carole had been at his side in a flash, taking his elbow and steadying him before following his shaking finger and gasping herself in shock.

Beck had swallowed with difficulty and managed to croak the words "What, in heavens name, are those corporal?"

Mansfield Mike had looked down and grinned "They're my Homer Simpson boxers sir. They say 'ladies man' and were a present from me mam"

"Well" said a pale Beck "I am sure she is an excellent woman in all other respects. However, I would rather you wore nothing that expose the world to that...garment"

"I'm not so sure Mansfield going commando would be an acceptable alternative to anything sir" commented James

"You may be right" replied Beck "But with those it is a close run thing. Carole could you fetch me some water please?...No not from the tap from the flask in my bag" he added pointedly.

After having taken a long draught Beck had appeared to revive.

"OK" he had eventually continued, "I will leave you in Carole's capable hands for the rest of the session. James tea in the officers mess would be very welcome"...

James had eventually gotten round to telling his parents of his passage on the Demeter only a few days before the start of the operation. He had telephoned his mother to break the news and she had been delighted, talking excitedly of all the things they could do together. James had grown increasingly alarmed and had tried his best to hint at Molly's and his plans to spend some private time together. His mother did not seem to take the heavy hints and her son rang off with his concerns reinforced rather than allayed.

The following day however he had received a call from his father who seemed concerned at the news of his son's presence on the cruise.

"So you are joining us are you?" He had asked

"Looks like it Dad" James confirmed

"Are we likely to get any of these suffragettes turning up causing trouble?"

"Suffragettes? Oh, you mean majorettes. I have no idea, why?"

"Well, its just that if they can't get to you I'm worried they will start bothering me as, you know, the next best thing" explained Mr James

His son pondered this for some time "I think it unlikely you will be harrassed."

"Really?" Pursued Mr James "Because, frankly, I know what it's like to be the object of desire, for women to want you beyond reason and it can be a bit of a faff"

"You don't say" said James somewhat doubtfully

"Oh yes. Take Mrs Wilson for instance"

"Mrs Wilson the librarian?"

"Yes" went on Mr James "She gives me smouldering looks every time I take a book back"

"That's usually because its so late being returned Dad. You'd had the last one so long it was written in Latin"

"I'm not so sure son. Yesterday I'm pretty certain she was checking out more than my PG Wodehouse"

"I'm hanging up the phone now Dad"

With only 24 hours to go before departure James had received news which had sent shock waves through the SZS and the nation as a whole. He had been in Kyung-Sook's research lab having a final pre-mission briefing with the doctor. Smurf and Baz Vegas were also present as interpreters. Baz Vegas had only recently taken on the task of relief translator for Mansfield Mike and was still struggling with some of the more difficult zombie vocabulary.

"The doctor says that she is developing a new anecdote about anemones sir"

James had looked at the private and frowned "As much as I enjoy a good sea story private, isn't it more likely that she said she is developing a new antidote to use on our enemies?"

Baz Vegas had thought about this "Possibly sir" he conceded

James had turned to the doctor and said "Sounds interesting, I look forward to seeing your results on my return"

Kyung-Sook had listened to Smurfs translation before bowing and focusing again on her microscope.

Smurf had then let out a series of grunts and moans which Baz listened to carefully before turning to James "He said he really wishes he could join you to cruise for some man action"

James had stared at Baz Vegas "I hope he actually said he wishes he could come with me and the other men on the cruise to see some action"

"Ah yes sir, that will be it" confirmed the private.

James had shaken his head and turned to Smurf "I'm sorry Smurfoid, it will be challenging enough maintaining the pretence as it is, without having to ensure you are not discovered. You'll have to sit this one out old friend.

Smurf had been nodding reluctantly when Private Parker, the company clerk had entered and informed James that Colonel Morley was on the secure line. He had therefore made his way to the ops room expecting there to be some further intelligence about the mission but instead the American had other news:

"James, we've just heard that Rupert Rowbotham and Bertie Warner have both escaped from jail in the last few hours"

"At the same time?" Exclaimed James "How is that possible?"

"A full investigation is underway, but it looks as if it was a coordinated break and that they had assistance from the outside"

James ran his tongue around his mouth "You don't think this has anything to do with our current mission do you?"

"We have no evidence to link the two but it is quite a coincidence" replied Morley "For the time being we proceed as planned but I recommend additional vigilance James"

Back in the present, James mulled over the revelation once more as he approached the married quarters where Molly would be waiting for him so that they too could set out for Southampton. He had a growing sense of unease about the mission which he tried to put to the back of his mind, for fear that he would communicate his worries to his subordinates. However the doubts continued stubbornly to surface until the one thing happened which was guaranteed to drive all other concerns from his mind; the sight of Molly in the drivers seat of their car making ready to depart. Suddenly, James gained a stark new perspective on life generally and he muttered to himself "Let's just get to the bloody boat in one piece, we can worry about the rest of it after that" He then set his face into a fixed smile and made for the passenger door.