Hello everyone. OK hope you're ready to let go forward and aft and chart a course for the obsurd as I finally get around to setting this storyline adrift on the briny depths. I am conscious that we have just passed the 100,000 word mark on this series of stories and that the next chapter will be our fortieth. I am thinking about how to mark this event and would be grateful for any suggestions. Maybe its time to launch an SZS website. Anyway, hope you enjoy the next installment.
The Demeter rode at her moorings, her superstructure gleaming in the morning sunshine. Crowds of people milled around on the dockside waiting to embark along one of the many gangways connecting the quay to the giant ship. Those already on board lined the railings on several of the upper decks waving and smiling, while crew members in spotless white uniforms greeted and directed the seemingly endless line of holidaymakers.
James stood with Molly and their luggage waiting in the prearranged place to meet his parents.
"Where are they?" He said impatiently "They were supposed to be here half an hour ago"
"Maybe they've changed their minds" said Molly
"Do you really think so?" Replied James immediately brightening up
"Nah, your mum texted me ten minutes ago to say they were running late" grinned Molly
"Why didn't you say something then!" Asked James grumpily
"Because its much more fun seeing you get wound up" she replied "You get that little wrinkle on your forehead which is so adorable"
James put his hand to his face then glared at Molly "I know I'm obsessing about this a bit..."
"A bit?"
"Alright, a lot, but I really don't need them to worry about as well as everything else" explained James
"I do get it you know" began Molly "My folks haven't exactly been the easiest people to live with at times either, but you need to see passed that, appreciate their good qualities and find a way of dealing with the rest. Keep going as you are and the only person imperilling this mission will be you"
James was taken aback "Steady on Molly, where did that come from?"
His wife shrugged "I don't know. Although I have noticed that, in the last few of these stories, I have been a bit of a benign, mildly humourous foil for you, so it sounds as if our author is looking to create some tension between us in order to promote an element of emotional conflict."
"Oh, OK. But does that mean that there is a danger we will be having less sex?" Asked James somewhat worried
"Well that sort of depends on how quickly it takes you to stop freaking out about your mum and dad" replied Molly.
James frowned and then nodded decisively. "Right, got it, I will try much harder"
"Good" said Molly with a smile "And you can start right now cos here they come"
James turned to follow Molly's gaze and spotted his parents immediately as they struggled through the crowds.
"Oh my god, what is dad wearing?" Exclaimed James as he caste a disparing glance at his fathers garish Hawaiian shirt.
"Remember" warned Molly
James grimaced, then smoothly converted it into a grin as he greeted Mr and Mrs James.
"Hello! You're here at last!"
"Hello dear" said Dorothy "Sorry we're a bit late but your father has been fiddling with the sat nav again. Took us forever to get here"
"I have not been fiddling, Dorothy, I have increased performance"
"Yes dear" replied his wife "Removing the motorway options has certainly increased the performance required for us to get anywhere on time"
Mr James glared at his wife and their son sought quickly to change the subject
"Errr, nice shirt dad!"
"It is, isn't it" replied his father brightening immediately
"Amazing what you can pick up in a charity shop these days" put in Dorothy
"It was not a charity shop" corrected Mr James "It was an outlet specialising in retrospective clothing"
"Whatever you say dear" replied Mrs James
"Got it for an absolute steal" continued Mr James "...and its hardly been worn"
"Now that I can believe" muttered his son before a pinch from Molly prompted a louder "That's great" from James
"Well if you like that, you will love these" continued Mr James who indicated his jeans with some pride " Picked these up at the same place, great quality denim and with this really useful feature" and with that he pulled out the lining of the front pockets to reveal zips in each.
James stared at the garment in some consternation while his father went on to explain "You can unzip the pockets. Isn't that wonderful? Makes it so easy to get the tissue fluff and whatnot out. The man in the shop called them play pants or something, apparently all the rage a while back"
"Yes" said James weakly
"But the best thing..." Continued Mr James in a loud voice "is that they're really handy for scratching your nuts surreptitiously. Your mother and I can't stop fiddling with the things"
James raised his eyebrows then smiled at the several people nearby who had turned to look at this father before suggesting "Shall we get on board?"
They all moved towards the entrance to the nearest gangway whilst Molly nudged James and nodded in the direction of his father "I can see where you get your dress sense from" she whispered with a smile. James just set his face into an unreadable mask and trudged on.
At the mouth of the covered tunnel their tickets were checked by one of the ships officers who then beckoned over a couple of porters to take their luggage. The small group then walked up the long and gently swaying ramp before entering the ships main reception area through an opening in the hull. The porters collected their key cards from the concierge desk and invited James and the others to follow them to their rooms.
After ascending several decks in a large lift they were shown down a wide, plushly decorated corridor. As they walked along, they passed a number of other passengers including a pair of older ladies who were struggling with a large case and checking the number on each door against their key card.
Mr James regarded them as he approached before stopping beside the pair and smiling "May we offer any assistance ladies?. My son here would be happy to lend a hand with your case whilst I assist you in finding your room"
Both women looked around in surprise at the speaker and his companion before seeming to freeze in shock at the sight of James.
His father looked from them to his son before saying "Ah, yes you may recognise my son from the news a little while back. Bit of a war hero, don't you know, but not above helping some damsels in distress, hey Charles?"
"Of course not. Ladies if you would allow me?'
The taller of the two women continued to stare at James as if in a trance and did not let go of her tight grip on the handle of the large case even when James offered to take it from her.
James smiled politely then added" Its really no bother"
The lady's companion cleared her throat and said "Felicity, isn't it kind of the gentlemen to help?"
At the sound of her friends voice she seemed to snap out of her frozen state and relinquished the luggage "Yes, indeed it is Joanna, most kind of you, Major James...and your father"
"Think nothing of it" replied Mr James "And please call me Harold. Mrs...?"
"Miss Crawford" replied the taller woman "Felicity Crawford, and this is my sister Joanna"
The shorter, more rotund lady smiled nervously.
"OK" replied Mr James and then proceeded to introduce Dorothy and Molly to them before setting off down the corridor in search of the sisters room.
James turned to Molly "I'll just sort this out and meet you in our suite shortly"
Molly smiled "OK but watch out, they may be two of your majorettes. If you're not back in 30 minutes I'll come and rescue you from their clutches"
James pulled a face then hefted the case after the retreating figures of his father and the Crawford sisters.
Five minutes later Norman James stopped in front of a door and said "Here we are!"
Felicity tried the key card in the slot and the door unlocked with a faint click. James carried their case into the room and lifted it onto one of the beds then all four stood in an awkward silence before Joanna said "Thank you ever so much for your help"
Norman James nodded "Our pleasure ladies. I am sure we will bump into each other during the cruise but until then goodbye"
James also added his farewells before father and son backed out of the room and into the corridor followed by a smiling Joanna who closed the door firmly behind them. She then grabbed her hair, which was arranged in a tight grey bun, and lifted it clean off her head to reveal a much shorter crop of thinning brown hair arranged under a net. The wig was then dashed to the floor with the words "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckerty fuck! What the hell is he doing here?. We are well and truly screwed now Rupert."
The other sister also removed her wig and glasses but remained silent, although the expression on his face revealed that he was deep in thought.
Bertie waited for a response, but when none came he ranted on "They are obviously on to us man. We need to get out of here...find a plan B" and so saying he picked up his disguarded wig and made preparations to leave.
"Wait Bertie"
"Wait?" Said the man "What the hell for?"
"I'm not so sure its as bad as you think"
"Really?" Replied Bertie in disbelief "Explain to me how this isn't as pissing bad as I think when the sodding commander of the SZS has just carried our case into our cabin?"
"If he knew it was us why hasn't he arrested us yet?" Asked Rupert
Bertie blustered around the room waving his hands around "Maybe because he wants to check out where we are going and who is helping us first"
Rupert frowned "Yes but if this was a mission why go with your real mum and dad? It makes no sense"
"What makes no sense" responded Bertie, "Is why we are still in this room chatting when we should be running down the gangway and back onto the dock"
"Because this is our best chance of making the rendezvous with our customers, because there is no plan B and because I'm not so sure this isn't just a coincidence."
Bertie stared at his companion in disbeleif then groaned "Tell me this isn't about you trying to get revenge on James because if this bloody girlfriend you once had"
Rupert's eye started to twitch "Of course not, that would be a sure fire way of being discovered. Look, we just need to avoid him for the next 14 or so days. How hard can that be with nearly 8,000 people on board? That will get us to the pick up point where we will be seen to be kidnapped by pirates, enabling us to complete the exchange and then make our way with a ton of money to our own little island paradise in the Indian Ocean"
Bertie looked decidedly unconvinced but Rupert's mind was made up "We stay. Trust me, we have nothing to worry about"
James and his father walked back along the corridor towards their respective rooms.
"They seem nice." Commented Mr James of the sisters they had just left
"Really? I thought they were a bit strange" said his son
"Oh, they're just shy I think. Two spinsters who have probably led something of a sheltered life. I'm sure we can get them to relax and open up a bit"
James stopped dead "Dad, you're not going to make them one of your causes are you?. Last time you did that it all went a bit wrong remember?"
Norman frowned "Oh, do you mean the Fingles? That was very different. Anyway, how was I supposed to know they weren't being shy but hiding the fact they were into that BSE scene."
"Its BDSM dad"
"Well, there was no harm done" replied his father defensively "and your mother hardly gets the nightmares anymore"
"I'm just saying be careful, that's all. Not everyone wants or needs your help"
Mr James grunted noncommittally and changed the subject "See you in the bar area just before lunch?"
His son nodded and they parted, James then entering his room to find Molly unpacking
"Everything alright?" She asked as he let out a groan
"Just the usual. Hey this is nice" he exclaimed looking around the room.
"It is, isn't it? And you should see the bath, its massive"
"Really?" Said James suggestively
"Yes" replied Molly "put we have no time now, you perv"
"Oh come on, you know how I adore a clean and eager soldier" pleaded James
"No" came the response "We're about to unmoor so we need to get up on deck. Then we have our first mission briefing at 1100 hours."
" OK, OK, but after that we're getting rubber ducky out, that's an order"
James and Molly stood at the rail and watched as the massive liner slowly slipped its moorings and headed out into Southampton Water. It then picking up speed and was soon entering the Solent, the wind becoming noticeably stronger as they left the shelter of the port. James felt Molly shiver against him and drew her closer so as to protect her from the cold blast. After a time he bent down and whispered in her ear "Duty calls Lance Corporal" at which point Molly nodded and they left the railing and headed back into the ship.
They made for the Arcade, a large galleried area in the heart of the ship, lined with shops and restaurants and dominated by a large fountain in the central space. Among the exclusive boutiques and restaurants stood the latest branch of Jonathan's, which was doing a brisk trade. As James and Molly approached a number of people walked under its famous gold and black fascia sign or paused by it's ground breaking window displays of robotic mannequins writhing and contorting so as to show off the shops products to best effect.
Inside Kinders was deep in conversation with a young couple, who were clearly visiting a Jonathans for the first time. "I would recommend the basic range to start off with. Simple fastenings, standard fittings and minimum periferals. Less to go wrong, if you know what I mean, but you'll still get the core service. Once you've got the hang of that you can move on to our more advanced products which do require a bit more of a grounding in biomechanics and structural engineering..."
When the Sargent spotted James he excused himself, leaving the couple to consider the options further, and approached the major. "May I help you sir? Maybe something from our mediaeval range?"
"No thank you" replied James, running through the prearranged script "I was after something with a bit less ironwork"
"Of course, Iet me show you our latex options" said Kinders, and led the way through to a private fitting room. When all three where safely hidden from view, the sergeant opened a further door and beckoned them through into a storeroom behind the shop. At the back of the storeroom was a staff room where most of one and two section were gathered awaiting the start of the briefing.
"At ease" said James as the room came to attention and he strode over to the head of the table. He quickly looked around the room then turned to Lieutenant Samuels "Is everyone here?"
"All that can be without raising suspicion sir" he replied "Fingers is minding the till whilst Mansfield is on deck giving out some promotional material, says it helps with his nausea until the meds kick in"
"Very well" said James who then asked for updates on the progress of the deployment. Samuels confirmed that all personnel had reported for duty and had taken up their posts without any issues arising. A number of barrels of antidote had been safely delivered and were in storage below decks, together with their weapons and other equipment. The ships head of security had also provided them with a manifest of all passengers, crew and cargo and Brains had just started to look through it to see if there was anything suspicious.
"Anything yet Private?" Asked James
Brains shook his head "Nothing sir. All seems normal so far but it will take some time to go through the lists, there are a lot of people on board."
James nodded "Very well, we're not due in the Gulf of Aden for another couple of weeks so we've a little time before any attack is likely, although it would be good to have some idea of what we are up against well before then. Keep me posted"
Samuels then continued "We have had a request from the captain for a meeting asap sir, just to 'touch base' apparently"
"Very well" replied James "Let's go pay him a visit. Next briefing will be same time, the day after tomorrow. Dismissed"
James and Molly left the shop and made their way to the concierge desk where they informed the man behind the counter that the Captain had requested to see them. The crewman smiled "Ah, yes of course, the famous Major James. It is an honour to have you aboard sir. I expect the captain would like to welcome you personally" With that the man picked up a telephone and, after a short pause, said "Major James to see the Captain sir. Very Well" He put the phone down and said, "If you would like to take a seat the First Officer will be along any moment."
A few minutes later a tall, good looking man appeared in an immaculate white uniform and extended a hand to James "Major, I am First Officer Christian, so very pleased to meet you"
James shook the offered hand and introduced Molly. They were then led through a door and along an adjoining corridor. The first officer eventually stopped at a door with a polished brass plate affixed to it which read 'Captain' and knocked. "Come" came the response from within and the First Officer ushered James and Molly inside.
"Major and Mrs James sir"
"Ah, excellent" said a large, stocky man with an identical uniform to the First Officers albeit with significantly more gold braid attached. "Please come in. I'm Captain Bligh, master and commander so to speak. Sit, sit"
James and Molly did so and accepted the offer of tea, which the first officer busied himself preparing.
James frowned "Did you say Bligh, Captain?"
"Yes" replied the Captain
James then looked at the First Officer, "Didn't you say your name was..."
"Christian?" Interupted the Captain, "Yes, hilarious isn't it? We had a good old laugh when we first found out didn't we number one?"
"Indeed sir" responded the first officer, in a tone which suggested that the laughter was decidedly one sided.
"Any chance I get now" continued Bligh, warming to his theme "...its 'mutiny Mr Christian!', isn't that right Roger?"
"Quite sir" replied the man with something of a fixed grin.
The Captain chuckled away to himself then asked James "How do you like our little boat?"
James hesitated "Isn't it a ship sir?"
"Oh, yes your right, I'm always getting that wrong" replied Bligh
When James and Molly looked confused he explained "I'll let you into a little secret, I'm not really a sailor. Rose through the company ranks on the entertainment side mainly. Started off in stand up comedy"
"Really?" Replied James in disbelief
"Oh yes, my mother in law routine was famous on the circuit" and with that the Captain stood up with a pen in his hand which he then held to his mouth as if it were a microphone:
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking"
James and Molly stared at the man who smiled "Those three were all from Les Dawson, the man was a genius"
"Sooo, you don't know anything about sailing a ship?" Asked James
"Oh well, I've got a feel for the basics, pointy bit goes at the front, wet stuff stays on the outside etc, etc but I leave the complicated things to Mr Christian here"
"But isn't that a bit, you know, dangerous?" Ventured Molly
"Nooo, not at all" replied Bligh "There are all sorts of gadgets to stop us crashing and if they don't work Mr Christian will know what to do. The main thing is that people have a good time and that's what I'm here for, after all this isn't a boat that happens to be a resort, its a resort that just happens to be a boat. Its all about priorities really, see?
" Err, no not really" replied James
"Anyway, enough about us, do you have all you need to do your...thing?" Asked Bligh
"Yes, I think we are OK thank you" said James "You're head of security has been most helpful"
"Oh good" said Bligh "Jones is an excellent fellow. He came from the show biz side as well. Great conjuring act...brilliant slight of hand work, its why he's so good at spotting shop lifters and pick pockets. Anyway, you must be my guests for dinner at some point. I'll have the events manager make the arrangements."
"Thank-you" said James "That should be... interesting"
Shortly after James and Molly took their leave and headed back to their room.
"Well" said James "This looks as if its going to be a fairly straight forward mission; we have no idea why we are here, and little prospect of finding out until it actually happens, in the interim we'll have to spend half our time pretending to shop for dodgy underwear and the other half making sure my parents don't cause a major maritime incident. Now to top it all the captain turns out to be a stand up comic by trade who has no idea about sailing a ship. Could things be any more complicated?"
Just then a group of a dozen or so ladies rounded a bend in the corridor and stopped dead in shocked surprise at the sight of James before screaming as one and descending on him in great excitement.
James took in the low slung combat trousers and fake headsets and groaned.
Molly looked at her husband and smiled "Looks like the answer is yes, a whole lot more complicated" she said.