Well, here we are at Chapter 40! To mark the occasion I am formally launching the official SZS web site. For some reason this site won't let me put the web address in but it can be found at www dot specialzombieservice dot simplesite dot com and is packed (well actually modestly stocked) with fascinating (alright, mildly interesting) facts and figures (OK, made up ramblings) about your favourite elite army unit. I hope to add new content every now and again, although frankly if I spend any more time on this stuff I'm very likely to lose my job, along with my house, the wife and the kids. Hey ho, such is the lot of an OG obsessive. Anyway, hope you like the latest installment and let me know what you think of it if you are so inclined.
James admired himself in the mirror. He looked great in a dinner jacket, there was no doubt about that, although he rarely had an opportunity to wear one given that on most formal occasions he would normally be in uniform. He half turned to check himself out from the side, then stood with his back to the mirror, craning his neck around to get a rear view.
"Are you nearly ready?" He called to Molly, who had been in the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time applying the finishing touches to her make-up.
"You can't rush these things" she replied through the door "Perfection takes time"
"You're already perfect, you just like to keep me waiting"
"You might be right, but at least it gives you more time to be alone with your reflection"
"I don't know what you mean" protested James while further adjusting his bowtie in the mirror. He then stepped away and threw a glance towards the bathroom door before bringing his hands together in the shape of a gun and saying "The name is James, Major James"
"What are you doing?" Asked Molly, appearing in the entrance to the ensuite
"Nothing" said James turning around quickly and shoving his hands in his trouser pockets.
"Would you like me to leave you two alone?" she asked, nodding towards James' reflection.
James stared at Molly and swallowed "Wow, you look amazing" he said as he took in the long, elegant black evening gown.
His wife grinned "Don't look so bad yourself. Shall we go?"
"Why not?" And with that he offered Molly his arm and they left the room together.
It was a warm night and the Demeter was steaming along the Dardanelles Strait having left Istanbul that afternoon. James and Molly strolled along the promenade deck towards the Barbary Restaurant where they were to be the guests of Captain Bligh. As they walked along in companionable silence, enjoying the cooling sea breeze, James reflected on the mission to date.
It was nine days since they had left Southampton, and they were no nearer to discovering the significance of the Demeter to the zombie pirate attacks in the Gulf of Aden. They were now less than a week away from that body of water and James was becoming increasingly concerned that they would enter the area with little clue as to what to expect.
Brains had worked through the passenger and crew lists but had found nothing suspicious. Similarly the cargo manifest appeared to hold no surprises. It had become clear that they would need to wait out for something to turn up. James had therefore drilled into his men the need to remain watchful and vigilant.
However, James himself had been severely hampered in this regard by the presence of the majorettes on board. He had bearly extracted himself in one piece from his first encounter with them, their enthusiasm to touch him resulting in an unseemly scuffle and a hurried retreat to his cabin minus a number of articles of clothing.
Molly, who had watched the encounter with some amusement had not been particularly sympathetic when it came to one of the lost garments:
"I'm sure you can do without it" she had said breezily when they were safely back in their room.
"But that was my favourite jacket!" He protested "I'm not going to be able to find one in that shade of brown again"
"Thank goodness" muttered Molly
"What?"
"Nothing, dear"
"I wonder if I could ask for it back, maybe offer a reward?" Mused James
"I wouldn't bother" said Molly "Once you'd legged it, they ripped it to pieces between them"
"Fighting amongst themselves to secure it as a trophy I imagine" asserted James in some disgust.
"No, I'm pretty sure they threw the bits into the sea with a cheer" said Molly
James had stared at his wife "But that's just mindless vandalism"
"More like a public service" countered Molly
"Molly, I'm detecting a distinct lack of concern for my plight" scolded James
"Then your concern detector is working very well today" replied Molly
James had hurumphed and thrown himself in a chair to sulk.
Enquiries had revealed that the majorettes were on an SZS themed cruise and had been unaware of the presence of James until they had come across him in the corridor.
"What's an SZS themed cruise?" James had asked of Brain's when the private had reported his findings.
"Number of travel agents offer them sir. Its a bit like a murder mystery weekend except instead of solving a crime you dress up, lounge around in pools, sing karaoke, drink zombie bombs...that sort of thing"
James had looked at the private in disbeleif "And people actually enjoy doing that on a cruise?"
"Oh yes sir" replied Brains "whatever floats your boat I suppose, if you'll pardon the pun"
Although James had been somewhat releived that the whole thing appeared to be a coincidence, it did not deal with the main issue, which was how James could lead the mission effectively whilst spending most of his time dodging the attentions of the majorettes.
Luckily a solution had been found from an unexpected quarter. A few days after the majorette incident, Molly had been checking on Mansfield Mike to see how the medication for his sea sickness was working.
"Its bloody marvellous Molls" said the Corporal "I haven't felt sick for ages"
"I'm glad its helped" she had replied
"How about I get you a nice cuppa tea as a thank you?" Mansfield had offered
"You owe me more than that!" Molly joked
"That's true, curing my sea sickness has got to be worth at least a cup of tea and a bacon buttie." Replied the corporal
As they had spoken Molly noticed Lieutenant Samuels making his way to the outdoor gym. When he reached the equipment he had peeled off his top to reveal a well muscled torso. He had then started to lift weights, the effort further defining the well developed muscles in his shoulders and arms.
The effect on surrounding females had been immediate. Several had raise themselves from their loungers and removed their sun glasses to stare while one lady had been so busy oggling as she walked along the side of the nearby pool, that she had stepped off the edge and into the water with a dispairing cry.
Mansfield had followed Molly's stare. "So you getting to like him as well?"
"What you talking about?" Asked Molly somewhat abruptly.
"Its just that the lieutenant is a bit if a muff magnet. You wouldn't be the only one to want to catch an eye full" explained the Corporal
Molly had frowned "Are you getting me that tea or what?"
Mansfield had shrugged and walked off towards the bar area leaving Molly in deep thought. Martin Samuels was certainly a head turner albeit very different from her husband in look and build. For a start he was much more heavily muscled and broader in the shoulder while his features were more rugged, a look enhanced by a long dark scare that ran from just below his left eye, down his cheek to his jaw line.
Molly had decided that he was not really her type but that many women obviously found him very attractive. That thought had triggered an idea which had made Molly smile mischievously. When Mansfield had returned with the teas she had taken hers from him and had made some excuse about having to be somewhere else. She then returned to the cabin where James had been hiding out for fear of a further super fan encounter.
Molly had outlined her idea to James who had listened carefully and ruminated on it for a time.
"Is he really that attractive to women?" James had eventually asked a little doubtfully
"Well he doesn't really ring my bell but lots of women do seem to see something" replied Molly
"I always thought he was a bit, you know, weaselly looking" admitted James
"I can understand that" said Molly carefully
"And big muscles aren't everyone's cup of tea"
"Absolutely" agreed Molly
"Oh, and that scare isn't a war wound or anything"
"No?"
"No" confirmed James "Some freak grass cutting accident, happened on his parents farm in Cornwall"
"Really?"
"Yes" replied James.
The major had stared pensively at Molly for a moment then nodded "Well, if you think that it might work let's get him in"
Molly had smiled then left to fetch the unsuspecting lieutenant, returning some 15 minutes later with Samuels in tow.
"Ah, Martin, excellent" began James "How are things?"
"Very well thank you sir" replied the man
"Good, good..." Said James "So, you are aware of my...situation Martin regarding these majorettes"
"Oh yes sir" replied the lieutenant smiling "we all think its hilarious"
"Do you?" Asked James pointedly
Samuel's smile faded "Well, not me obviously sir and I put the men straight pretty quick smart"
James nodded then continued "This attention is something of a problem for me and is imperiling the mission. A solution needs to be found and we think we have found it"
"Oh that's good news sir" said Samuels
"Yes, it involves the use of a somewhat...inferior but potentially effective decoy"
"Oh dear, I see sir, and who is the poor bugger whose got that job?" asked the lieutenant
"Why, you Martin" James had responded with a grin
Samuels swallowed "Me sir?"
"Yes, you sir"
"I... don't know what to say sir"
"You don't have to say anything Martin. Just make yourself...conspicuous around these women and let nature take its course."
"And if they, you know, engage, what do I do sir?"
"I would lie back and think of England son" James had replied patting the man reassuringly on the shoulder "Now, double away, I'm keen to get out of this cabin asap"
Samuels had saluted then disconsolately left the cabin to start his mission. James had watched him leave then turned to Molly "Now let's see if it works"
Later the same day, James had tentatively ventured out, checking up and down the corridor outside the cabin before making a run for the nearest lift. As the doors opened he had made to dart in and nearly collided with is parents who were coming out.
"Ah, Charles, there you are. We were starting to wonder where you had got to!" His father had said rather loudly
"Shhhh" said James putting his finger to his lips
"What is the matter dear?" asked his Mother
"I'm trying to avoid some people" James had whispered at the same time looking back down the corridor behind him.
"Oh, its not these maisonettes of yours is it? I wouldn't worry son, last time I saw them they were stalking some rough looking chap with a scar" said Mr James
"Hardly rough dear" commented Mrs James "more stern and rugged, with a strong hint of passionate longing just below the surface...as if at any moment he's going to take you in his strong arms and..."
"Dorothy, are you quite alright?" Asked Mr James
"Sorry dear?...Oh yes very well thank you" replied his wife.
James had smiled to himself at the news of the majorettes behaviour. It sounded as if Molly's plan was working.
"Anyway" continued Mr James "We're just off to meet up with those delightful Crawford sisters. Think I've managed to persuade them to venture out of their room for a game of strip bridge"
"I'm not so sure you have dear" ventured his wife "They looked decidedly uncomfortable at the thought"
"Nonsense Dorothy, there's nothing like a bit of nakedness to break the ice. Join us Charles?"
"Errr, no thanks Dad, I'll pass this time" replied James.
"Pity. Oh that reminds me, do you think you could wangle an invitation for the sisters to join us at the captains table next week? I'm sure it will do them the world of good to get out more."
James promised to raise it with Bligh, then made his excuses and left them to their card game.
The major had made his way to Jonathan's for that days briefing, meeting Molly in the shop before being shown into the back room as previously.
Lieutenant Samuel had been late for the briefing, arriving in a somewhat flustered state.
"Everything OK Martin?" Asked James
"Not really sir" he replied "Your friends are a pretty determined and ingenious lot. They've been tracking me all over the ship. I sat on one lady who'd disguised herself as a deck chair. I only got suspicious when it kept collapsing in on me like a man trap. It took all my strength to extract myself from her thigh grip...it was like being caught in a vice"
"Good god man, that sounds terrifying" said James
"That's not the half of it sir. Another one came close to catching me in one of those decorative fishing nets they've got hanging from the roof in the Pilchard Cafe. When that failed she started to fire plastic fish at me"
"Firing them from what?" Asked James
"I wouldn't like to say sir" Samuels had admitted with a blush
The rest of the men had smirked and Mansfield started singing
"Oh the Major's lady she was there, doing her favourite stunt
Hanging from the ceiling with the suction of her c..."
"Alright, that will do corporal" James had ordered then turning back to Samuels "Your actions have been above and beyond lieutenant. I will see that you get mentioned in dispatches"
"If its all the same to you sir, I'd rather we kept this amongst ourselves" replied Samuels
James had shrugged and said "As you wish" before turning back to the room at large and started the briefing.
As usual there was little to report on the zombie front but Kinders did have some other news "We have heard from Kyung-Sook sir. She reports that she has made a major breakthrough on the improved antidote she was working on. Apparently she has been able to produce a concentrate which can be diluted in water"
James had been impressed "That will be handy. Having to transport large quantities of the solution is both expensive and time consuming. Now we can carry a small amount of concentrate and access water in theatre"
Mansfield frowned "So its like an anti-zombie squash?"
James shook his head "As always corporal, you have managed to reduce a clever concept down to the lowest common denominator"
"Thank you sir...I think"
James had then turned back to Kinders "Did she say when it would be ready for deployment?"
Kinders had nodded "Yes sir, first batch will be ready in a few days. The Doctor is liaising with Colonel Morley regarding transportation and delivery"
"Well we all know what that means" said Molly
James had smiled and looked at Kinders "Yes, you better make sure the shop is ship shape Sargeant, I think the owner is likely to be paying us a visit"
Sure enough, a few days later, as they had docked at Istanbul a figure was waiting for them on the quay dressed in a long, flowing, eastern style gown and matching veil. It tripped lightly up the gangway once it was in position and had been met by James and Captain Bligh at the top of the long ramp.
"Good to see you Jonathan" said a smiling James
"Why, Charles you dont seem at all surprised to see me dear" replied his friend "It would appear that our esteemed author is somewhat bereft of original plot twists"
"It would indeed" agreed Charles "May I introduce Captain Bligh"
"Well as I live and breath, if it isn't old Freddy Bligh" exclaimed Jonathan
"Hello Jonathan, I wondered if you would recognise me" said the Captain with a grin
"You know each other?" Asked James in surprise
Jonathan had nodded "I know Freddy here from back in the day, before I joined the army. We did the club circuit together for a time. Best Les Dawson tribute act around. How is the mother in law Freddy?"
"Wonderful, she's been dead these five years!" Replied Bligh
"See what I mean?" Exclaimed Jonathan "Now I'd heard that you'd started doing cruise gigs but don't tell me they've made you captain of this thing"
Bligh shrugged "Its like the song says:
He thought so little they rewarded he
By making him the ruler of the queens navy"
"Oh I do love a bit of Pinafore" beamed Jonathan "And I have no doubt that:
You're never known to quail
At the fury of a gale,
And are never, never sick at sea!"
"What never?" Replied Bligh
"Well hardly ever" response Jonathan, before they had both dissolved into laughter.
The captain had wiped his eyes and said "I understand you'll be with us till we reach Aquaba. I hope you'll join us for dinner tomorrow evening?"
"Of course Freddy, I'd be delighted. Now" said Jonathan excitedly "lead me to my shop"
Once Jonathan had caste a critical eye over his new store and expressed his satisfaction, Kinders had led Jonathan and James to the rear office where Jonathan had retrieved a cardboard box from his handbag and passed it to the Major.
"The good Doctor said you will only need a few drops of this concentrated antidote for your standard immersion tank but more if the pool is bigger" Jonathan had explained "At least I think that's what she said, Baz's translation was more a hindrance than a help. For the first half hour he was translating 'concentrate' as 'contraception', led to all sorts of confusion when we got on to the size your rubber container, I can tell you"
"I would imagine" said James
"Right" asserted Jonathan "Let's have a look at the stock books Sargent, I want to see how our new television themed range is doing"
Back in the present James was pulled from his thoughts by Molly who paused at the railing which lined the upper deck. They were now only a short distance from the restaurant, but Molly's attention had been caught by a noise from the deck below which was where the ships main pool was located. There, in the blue tinged waters, lieutenant Samuels was taking an evening swim, travelling through the water with powerful strokes. The poolside was seemingly deserted until James caught a movement out of the corner if his eye which caused him to turn his head suddenly.
Just beyond the scattered deck chairs and loungers was a Hawaiian themed bar area now closed for the evening. The facility was decked out with native huts, palm trees and a boulder strewn beach. It was one of these fake rocks which was the focus of James' attention.
"What's up?" Asked Molly, trying to follow his stare.
"I could have sworn I saw that boulder move" said James
They both looked for a time but the rock remained stock still.
"Come on" said Molly "We don't want to be late for the big event"
"Ah yes, a dinner party with Jonathan, my parents, a pair of reclusive sisters and a stand up comedian" pondered James
"Sounds like the start of a bad joke" replied Molly
"That's just what I'm afraid of" murmured James to himself, and with that he took Molly's hand and led her inside.
Back in the pool, Samuels continued to swim whilst by the bar, a boulder shuffled a few feet nearer to the water and the unsuspecting lieutenant.