Hello again. Can I start by apologising for the delay in the arrival of the latest chapter. It has been a combination of the wrong kind of snow, leaves on the line, a points failure and an attempted suicide just outside Kings Cross. Actually, it has been a busy few weeks in RL with little time to invent further nonsense. Anyway, I hope you like the latest offering and thank you for your kind comments. I am also delighted to see a further ff comic interpretation of our favourite TV programme from onlyteasing, after all although it was essentially a love story there was also plenty of humour to enjoy which should be equally explored in alternative universes. Happy reading!
Light streamed out of the cabin window, partly illuminating a lone figure sitting on the adjacent balcony. A close observer would likely have noted signs of deep preoccupation in the sole occupant of the small space, evidenced by a constant shifting of position and the emitting of a series of sighs and moans. However our observers attention would soon have been caught by movement on the balcony below and on further scrutiny would have discerned a climber, relentlessly ascending the ships side towards our distracted subject.
Unaware of the intruder, the preoccupied figure stood and paced the area between their chair and the railing while the climber gained the level of the balcony and heaved themselves up.
Bertie turned and was confronted by a dark shadow clutching the balcony railing, causing him to stop dead and cry out in fright
"Joanna, don't be afraid its only me, Thomas Chaplin"
"What the hell are you doing you madman?"
"You've been avoiding me and I needed to see you" said Thomas who then paused and adjusted his grip on the railing he was clinging to "Err, would you mind just giving me a hand, I think I might be about to plunge to my death"
Bertie hesitated for an instant then rolled his eyes and hurried over to the edge of the balcony where he grabbed the intruder under the arms and pulled him awkwardly over the railings. Thomas landed in a heap on the ground then looked up at Bertie and smiled.
"What light through yonder window breaks?"
"Oh shut up you idiot" huffed Bertie
"Its the 5.05 to Newcastle out of Kings Cross, which would use which locomotive Joanna?" Asked Thomas
Bertie folded his arms and looked away.
"Oh come on I know you're itching to tell me" pressed Thomas
His companion remained unmoved but then looked back, a barely suppressed smile hovering on his lips "Intercity 225, Class 91"
"That's my girl"
Bertie tutted and shook his head, then offered a hand and pulled Thomas to his feet "I'm not your girl and you can't stay. Felicity will go spare if she catches you"
"Why doesn't she like me, is it the train thing?"
"No, she's just very umm... protective"
"Well she has nothing to fear" replied Thomas "My motives are honourable and I have no inappropriate expectations in that regard"
"Whatever you're expectations I think they're going to be disappointed..." Muttered Bertie
"Nonsense" countered Thomas taking Bertie's hand "you could never disappoint"
"Oh in certain respects you will find I most definitely can"
"Let me be the judge of that"
"Jesus, let's hope you never have to" insisted Bertie vehemently
"You know what I think?" Said Thomas " I think you've been locked away for too long in your own little prison and that you need to be set free to discover the world"
"Well I wouldn't disagree with you on the first point..." Began Bertie
"I want to be the person that frees you" cut in Thomas "and accompany you on that journey"
Bertie shook his head "But its impossible..."
"Nothing is impossible if two people lo..."
"Shhh" said Bertie suddenly "did you hear that?"
They both listened. From the cabin came the sound of a door being opened.
"Oh shit!" Hissed Bertie "its Rup..I mean Felicity. Quick over the railings"
"I'm not afraid to confront her" said Thomas squaring his chest
"All very noble" jabbered Bertie as he hustled the man towards the edge of the balcony "but I think in this instance discretion is the better part of ...you know"
"Bertie, are you there?" Called Rupert from the bedroom
"Why is she calling you Bertie?" Asked Thomas as he straddled the railing
"Middle name" blurted Bertie "Alberta" before grabbing the man's trailing leg and tipping him over the side
Thomas disappeared with a despairing yelp and Bertie, after shooting a quick glance back towards the cabin, peered after him with some concern. Thomas hung from the railing of the balcony below, legs dangling in mid air.
"You ok?" He hissed
Thomas gave a thumbs up before starting the climb down the side of the ship once more. Bertie then hurried inside from where Rupert was calling his name once more.
"There you are" said Rupert "didn't you here me calling you?"
"Sorry dozed off on the balcony"
"This is no time to sleep man, I have word from Cribs regarding the exchange"
"Oh good" replied Bertie unenthusiastically
Rupert, not noticing his companion's lack of excitement, continued.
"It's to be tomorrow night. We have to look out for a fishing boat with two red lights on its mast, one above the other, to the west of us. We have to flash them twice with our torch and they will come and get us."
"Come and get us how?" Asked Bertie
"Oh they'll send over a few of their trained zombies I imagine" replied Rupert offhandedly
"Is that entirely safe?" Said Bertie somewhat concerned
"Safer than staying on here any longer, particularly with that buffoon Chaplin pursuing you every time we leave the cabin"
"Yes, I suppose" muttered Bertie
"Right, come on then, we need to get organised if we're going to be ready to leave" and with that Rupert started to heave suitcases out of the wardrobe and onto the bed.
Bertie watched him for a time then reluctantly did the same...
James sat in the small briefing room at the back of the Jonathan store and rubbed his temples. He had a headache and for once it wasn't being caused by his mad parents.
They had only been in the Red Sea for a couple of days and the operational difficulties of trying to anticipate the pirates next move, when they had no idea what it would be, were becoming all too evident.
Since they had left the port of Aqaba and said farewell to Jonathan, they had been on full alert with both sections patrolling the ship as best they could. The problem was that, since most of the troops had jobs on board, they could not fully deploy without raising suspicion. There was over a kilometre of ships side to keep an eye on as well as several different decks and his available resources could not be everywhere at once.
The ships head of security had provided access to the on board CCTV feed but it didn't cover all areas and watching it drained James' limited manpower further. Even worse his second in command was all but unavailable due to his continuing mission diverting the majorettes.
James had discussed the situation with Samuels and the NCOs. No one could think of a way of providing the cover that they needed without signalling to the passengers and crew that something was afoot and causing widespread fear and panic. He had dismissed them to consider the situation further but he was not hopeful that a practical solution could be found. James was just starting to contemplate getting in touch with Colonel Morley to see if there was some way of deploying three section onto the ship without anyone noticing when there was a knock at the briefing room door.
"Come" called James
The door opened and Samuels, Mansfield, Kinders and Molly shuffled in.
"Yes, what is it?" Asked James looking from one to the other.
Samuels cleared his throat "I think Mansfield's come up with something sir"
"Hey, it wasn't my idea!" blurted the Corporal "It was the sergeant's"
"Oh no, don't pin this one on me" put in Kinders "I'm sure Molly thought of it first"
"What!" Squealed Molly in outrage.
"Will some one just bloody well tell me what this idea is please" demanded James
All three NCOs looked at Samuels who rolled his eyes and faced his CO "Well, it's like this sir...what about using the Majorettes?"
James looked at the lieutenant "Use them for what?"
"To help us out sir"
James bit his bottom lip then rolled his tongue twice the whole way around his mouth before running his hand through his wavy brown hair "Lieutenant" he said "That's brilliant"
"Really sir?"
"Oh absolutely!" Went on James "what you are proposing is to entrust the success of one of our most difficult and sensitive missions, together with the safety of thousands of passengers and crew, to a bunch of deluded, hormonal middle aged women with a combat trouser fetish"
"Ah, I see. You're being ironic sir"
"Of course I am Martin. Have you taken leave of your senses! It's the worst idea I've heard since Mansfield here suggested we have an SZS website"
There was then a short pause during which Samuels and the NCOs studiously avoided eye contact with each other. The lieutenant then ploughed on.
"I know using the majorettes sounds mad sir but hear me out. I agree they are a bit...strange but they're also intelligent, determined, resilient and inventive. As well as that, they've very advanced surveillance skills, believe me, and best of all they won't raise any suspicion if they are seen around the ship looking for zombies because on these SZS themed cruises that is what they are supposed to be doing"
James nodded "Ok, ok I've heard you out...now get out"
Molly frowned "You know, he's got a point sir. They could help and no one would be any the wiser. Might be just what we've been looking for ...unless you've got a better idea?"
"Actually yes" said James "We get three section out here in the next few hours, bring them on board in the middle of the ocean without anybody seeing, pretend they've been here all along and, and ...bollocks"
"Exactly sir" agreed Molly
"Ok, how do we contact these women" said James visibly sagging.
"Well sir" said Samuels suspiciously "they may already know we want to see them" and he looked pointedly at the chair James was sitting in.
The major quickly got out of his seat and gave it a prod with his foot. The swivel chair did a half turn then stopped. James and the others watched it for a time then the major cleared his throat. "Think we're ok"
Everyone in the room visibly relaxed and James perched on the edge of the table. "Alright" he said to Samuels" how do we set up a meeting?"
Half an hour later James looked on as a dozen majorettes filed into the small briefing room, their excited chattering fading to a stunned silence as they each saw his stern figure waiting for them at the head of the table. When they were all seated and looking at him in wide eyed wonder he began
"Welcome ladies"
One of the majorettes let out a squeak of excitement while another whispered "lovely posh boy voice" to her neighbour.
After a short pause James continued "You're probably wondering why I have asked you here"
"I hope its for a team meeting!" Called another of the ladies, causing the rest to dissolve into fits of laughter. James looked on in confusion then shot a glance at Samuels who shrugged apologetically.
"Ok, which one of you is in charge?" Asked James over the general hilarity. The hubbub died down and a small woman nearest to him said
"We are a collective and don't have a hierarchy, although we do have heads of department"
"Oh really?" said James
"Yes, we have a head of IT" at this one of the majorettes waved, "..and a head of QS" which elicited another acknowledgement.
"Quality standards?" asked Samuels
"Not quite" replied the relevant head of department with a smile which triggered further sniggering among her comrades.
"Alright, alright, shall we get on?" Requested James
The major then outlined the top secret nature of the meeting, set out the situation regarding the pirates and described the help that was required. When he had finished there was a long silence before their head of IT looked at James and said "Can we have the room please?"
James nodded "of course" then motioned to Samuels to follow him out.
When the door was shut behind them the lieutenant turned to James "What do you think sir?"
"I am trying very hard not to think too deeply at the moment Martin, in case I suddenly come to my senses"
"Fair enough sir"
Ten minutes later the door to the briefing room opened and their head of QS appeared with a sheet of paper in her hand which she presented to James "Our requirements sir".
James looked at the paper uncertainly
"Requirements?" He asked
"Yes" replied the lady before retreating back into the room and closing the door.
James read the note, a deep frown forming on his face as he did so. He then passed the paper to Samuels who did the same.
"I don't even understand half of the stuff that's on there" complained the Major
"Seems innocuous enough sir" replied Samuels
"Do you think so? I mean, doing the finger twirling thing every time I call them together is fine but I'm not too sure about the kilt"
"Looks like they only want to measure you for one rather than insisting you wear sir. It sounds harmless" ventured Samuels
"Suppose so" mused James "There are some for you as well...what does 'ride me like Darkie' mean?"
"No idea sir" said Samuels "but I'm game if it means we can successfully complete this mission"
James blew out a breath then nodded decisively, "ok lieutenant, let's go and give them the good news"
The following day James made a tour of the ship with Molly. The majorettes were very much in evidence, patrolling in pairs and radioing back to the SZS control centre at the rear of Jonathan's. They were turning out to be conscientious, efficient and professional. However best of all they were being largely ignored by the other passenger, who by now were well used to their behaviour.
"You know this might just work" he confided to Molly as they completed their walk around.
"How's the finger?" Asked the medic
"A little sore but holding up" replied James wiggling the relevant digit. "I didn't realise they would want me to do it so often"
"Oh they certainly enjoy a good finger" said Molly with a smile
"Indeed" agreed James.
As they headed back towards their cabin they met James' parents coming the other way.
"There you both are, where have you been?" Asked Norman
"Just for a long walk" said James "Where are you off to?"
"Track down the Crawfords. Ask them if they might join us for a pre dinner cocktail" replied Norman
"Cocktails?" Said James "didn't think that was your cup of tea"
"Oh yes" replied Dorothy "he particularly enjoys sex on my face"
"Mother!" Exclaimed James in some shock
"What dear? It's the name of a drink. Norman can you remind me what's in it?"
"Canadian whiskey, coconut rum, peach liqueur, banana liqueur, cranberry, pineapple and orange juice." Recited Norman "I know it sounds like something you'd wring out of a bar room mop and the end of a hen night but it's actually rather nice."
"I'll take your word for it Dad" said James unconvinced "We'll see you at dinner, ok?"
As they walked away Molly turned to James and whispered "If he wasn't happily married I think I'd dump you for your Dad"
"He wouldn't have you" said James confidently
"How do you know?" Asked Molly slightly hurt
"Because he's always said that other than mum he has only ever been attracted to one other woman"
"Oh yes, whose that then?"
"Princess Grace of Monaco" replied James
Molly rolled her eyes "Not another one. My nan can't stop going on about her either"
"Sorry?" Said James
"Nothing, long story. Anyway come on, if we're quick we might have time for some afternoon delight"...
The kitchen was full of activity as the chef and his team prepared for service ahead of the ships main dinner sitting. White clad figures darted here and there assembling the various dishes while a continuous stream of waiters walked backwards and forwards through the large swing doors leading to the restaurant.
In the general bustle no one noticed a middle aged lady walk briskly out from behind a large freezer unit, unclip her handbag and take out a vial filled with a clear liquid. After a quick look around, she pulled the stopper out of the vial and poured the contents into a large pan of bubbling tomato soup before walking rapidly out of the swing doors without a backward glance.
In the main restaurant Bertie was sitting alone at a table finishing off a large helping of spotted dick. Rupert joined him there, looking somewhat flushed and out of breath.
"Where did you disappear off to?" Asked Bertie as his companion took a large swig from his wine glass
"Just paying off a few old debts" replied Rupert before checking his watch and asking "Are you nearly done?"
"You can't hurry a substantial pudding my friend"
Rupert smirked cruelly "Now are we talking about you or your dessert?"
"Charming, I told you this dress made me look fat but you insisted we didn't have time to change for dinner"
"Just hurry up will you. We need to get our stuff and get to the stern of the ship in time to make the signal"
"Ok, ok I'm done" said Bertie reluctantly before throwing down his napkin and following Rupert out of the restaurant...
The two majorettes leaned against the railing scanning the sea to the stern of the ship.
"All I'm saying is that when we measure him up, you'll be much better doing the tape work while I manage the heavy lifting. There's no point getting the cut all wrong because you have to measure around certain... encumbrances." Said the first
"So you'll be doing the man handling so to speak?" Responded the second
"Someone's got to do the hung like a donkey work"
They both dissolved into laughter before something caught the eye of the first majorette and she squinted into the half light.
"What do you make of that?" She asked pointing to starboard and prompting her companion to examine the area indicated through her binoculars.
"Fishing boat" came the response "Better radio it in"
The first activated her radio and spoke into her headset
"Four zero to base, fishing boat 200 metres astern"
"Acknowledged" came the reply from Brains.
Suddenly the other majorette grabbed the arm of the first "I think I just saw...yes there!"
"I see them" said the first then into her head set "Four zero to base, we have two swimmers!"
Brains voice sounded in her ear "Confirm four zero, contact zombie?"
Both majorettes followed the rapid progress of the swimmers then looked at each other and nodded "Four zero to base, confirm contact zombie, repeat contact zombie!"...
James sat in the restaurant with Molly and his parents watching as the waiter served their first course. A steaming bowl of tomato soup was placed in front of him and taking up his spoon he stirred the thick liquid before slowly bringing the silverware up to his mouth and blowing gently.
He was just about to take a tentative sip when he caught a movement at the edge of his vision. Looking around he saw Kinders and Mansfield jog into the restaurant and scan the tables. Molly, seeing James' look also turned.
They both put down their spoons abruptly. Kinders, spotting them, gave a meaningful look prompting Molly and James to stand together.
"Finished already?" Said Dorothy in surprise.
"Err, no" said James "I just remembered I think I umm...left the iron on" and started to walk towards the door followed by Molly
"And it takes both of you to switch it off?" asked Norman
"Yes, it's a err..big iron" replied Molly
Norman turned to his wife "Is 'turning off the iron' some kind of modern euphemism?"
"Well" considered Dorothy "I can see how a big iron could be synonymous with a large cock"
"Hmm" Replied her husband and turned his attention to the prawn cocktail.
At the table next door a man suddenly dropped his soup spoon and reached for his throat, making a strange rasping sound as he did so...
"Here they come" said Rupert gazing out into the murky twilight. "Are you ready?"
Bertie hung back uncertainly "no not really" he said "I'm not so sure this is such a good idea Rupert"
His companion looked back at him with a frown "don't talk nonsense, this is what we've planned for months."
"What you've planned" countered Bertie folding his arms "And as usual you've dragged me along with you"
Rupert shook his head "This is neither the time or the place to discuss this."
"Well I want to"
"Too late" said Rupert backing away from the railing as two heads appeared above the railing, eyes glowing red in the uncertain light.
"I'm not coming" replied Bertie backing away.
"Oh yes you bloody well are" hissed Rupert and turning to the zombies pointed at Bertie "him first"
The two zombies lurched towards the cowering man and were just about to seize him when a figure sprang out of nowhere and launched itself at the intruders, sending them both sprawling. "No!" Rupert cried in anguish causing the figure to look back at him. It was Major James.
"Don't worry Miss Crawford, you and your sister are safe now." Said James, then turning back to the zombies he called "Molly, Mansfield get them out of here, Kinders, with me!"
Rupert and Bertie were ushered away while James and his Sargent drew their antidote wands and advanced on the zombies who had recovered from the major's initial attack and were crouching ready to meet them.
James darted in towards the larger of the zombies and grappled with him. Shifting his weight suddenly, the major was able to unbalance his opponent and throw him face down on the floor. The zombie desperately tried to roll over to face James but the antidote wand was in his neck before he could do so.
In the meantime Kinders found himself in a desperate struggle with his zombie. The creature had him in a headlock and was squeezing the breath out of him. The Sargent was trying to prise the zombie's arm free of his neck but its grip was like iron. Seeing the effort was useless, Kinders instead threw his head back, catching his assailant full in the face. He felt the zombies grip slacken just enough for him to twist around and bring his wand into contact with the zombies neck. As the tip of the antidote stick broke against the creature's skin, it stiffened and then went slack, enabling the Sargent to struggle free and back away as the zombie began to thrash away in the throws of its transformation.
James came over to join his Sargent and gave him a pat on the shoulder, but then a shout from behind made them both turn.
Nude Nut was running towards them gesticulating "Sir, sir zombies in the restaurant and kitchens"
"More pirates?" Called James
"No sir its passengers and crew, they've started transforming out of nowhere!"