Well hello again! Here we are with chapter 50 of this seemingly never ending exercise in squeezing the last possible laugh out of a relatively thin premise. I hope you enjoy it and as always welcome any feedback you care to share.
I also just wanted to say how pleased I was that some of you were able to meet the big man at last this week. It sounds as if you had a great time and that BA was a real gent. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to meet the lovely LT. Here's dreaming!
James paced nervously up and down in the backstage area. In the main studio the soft Irish brogue of the presenter could be heard, his opening monologue punctuated frequently by the raucous laughter of the studio audience. On a small monitor James could see the main camera feed and paused in his prowling to watch as the host faced the audience and removed his top to reveal a prosthetic body suit with pronounced chest and abdominal muscles. Hands on his hips and legs akimbo he then informed viewers that this was a state of emergency and that it was imperative that they continue to watch and enjoy the show in what James realised was a parody of his own broadcast during the famous Upton Park incident.
The Major groaned to himself. He had been warned that this was the sort of thing that he would need to endure if he appeared on the show but that did not lessen his mortification. James thought back to the briefing he had received on the subject earlier in the week
"OK Brains so what is this Graham Norton thing all about then?" he had asked "I understand its some sort of entertainment chat show, is that right?"
The private had looked at his officer uncertainly "Err yes sir. Its very popular Friday night viewing, I'm surprised you've never heard of it"
James shrugged "Ah well, Friday night is games night for Molly and I"
"Oh yes sir" said Brains with a wink "bit of naked twister is it?"
James had stared at the private in confusion "What?" Before realisation had dawned "Private I will thank you to keep your perverse ideas on home entertainment to yourself" said James sternly before frowning to himself and muttering "How would that even work?"
"Well" began Brains "First you need to change the spinny thing with the hands and feet and colours on it so that it has an extra box for your old cha..."
"It was a rhetorical question Brians" cut in James quickly "Now shall we get on?"
"Right you are sir" replied the private before continuing "So, the the format of the show is that various guests from the entertainment industry are interviewed about their new projects"
"OK" said James "Sounds straight forward enough"
"Well sir" continued the private "the emphasis is on humour so the guests are expected to tell funny stories and the like"
"I can do that" replied James confidently
"Really sir?" Queried Brians
"Yes" said James defensively
"Ok" nodded Brains before continuing tentatively "Its just that..."
"What?" Asked James
"Forget it" said Brains
"What?" Insisted James
The private had sucked in a breath "I wouldn't try to be funny or tell any jokes, particularly the one about the snail"
"Why not? That's a great joke" smiled James
"With respect sir, it really isn't" contradicted Brains
"But everyone laughs when I say it" said James
"That's because you order us to" replied the private
"Not true" protested James
"It sort of is sir"
"Rubbish"
"Well, before you tell it" pursued the private "you always say: 'I don't know if you've heard this one, but even if you have your going to laugh, that's an order'"
"I'm only joking when I say that" said James defensively
"Which sort of takes me back to the point about not trying to be funny" concluded Brains
James had looked at the private steadily "Anything else?"
Brains had checked his note pad "The programme researchers will look out for strange and unusual things on the internet which Graham can show the audience during the show. There is some crazy stuff out there"
"Ok" nodded James "Nothing to worry about for us though"
Brains had shifted uncomfortably then smiled at the Major nervously.
James had narrowed his eyes "Do you have something to share private?"
"We may have something of an issue" admitted Brains
James frowned "I can't see why..." He began before stopping dead "Its those bloody women isn't it?"
"Afraid so" confirmed the private
"What have they done?" Asked James with a groan
"Its more like, what haven't they done" said Brains
James stood and paced the room for a time then turned back to the soldier "Tell me"
"Well the majorettes are very active on social media, its their main way of communicating and coordinating activity. They started off as a discussion thread hosted by a well known web site aimed at mum's and have expanded onto a number of platforms including twitter, Facebook and fan fiction sites."
"When you say 'they' Brains, who do you mean?" Asked James "Is it your girlfriend Messy and her colleagues?"
"Its Misty sir and she's not my girlfriend." Said Brains emphatically before continuing "Numbers are hard to gauge since there are no formal membership records but there are hundreds involved. As you may remember, they have no formal leadership structure, describing themselves as a collective although there does seem to be a central committee of around a dozen who call themselves the 'hardcore'"
James nodded "And what do these hardcore get up to then?" He went on nervously.
Brains had reached under the table and lifted up a large and very full box file which he had then passed over to James. The Major took it and started to leaf through the contents slowly. Half an hour later he had passed the file back to Brains calmly but had then suddenly lunged and grabbed the private's arm in desperation. "Brian's, your an intelligent man. You've got to find a way of getting me out of this bloody show. I'm going to be a laughing stock"
"Oh its not that bad sir" reassured the soldier "I've seen much worse on the web"
"Really?" Said James
"Well, no actually" he admitted "But I'm sure there must be somewhere. You should also know that it's not only you they focus on. They do have other victims...I mean interests"
"Like what?" Asked James curiously
"Well, there latest obsession is Gleb" explained Brains
James frowned "What's a Gleb?"
"Not what, sir, who. He's a dancer...on television"
"A dancer" repeated James
"Yes sir" Brains confirmed. "He is very good...but don't worry sir I think you remain their favourite. They save all their best material for you.." He said encouragingly.
James put his head in his hands then looked up suddenly with desperate hope "Is there a way for you to delete all this stuff from the internet or make it unreadable or something?"
Brains thought for a minute then said "What, like a virus containing self replicating software that I can send to all the majorette sites and which aggressively seeks out and corrupts all files with references to you?"
"Yes, yes Brains, that's exactly it!"
"No chance sir, Im good but I'm not that bloody good. You'll just need to suck it up on the night...unless"
"What?" Said James pleadingly
"Nothing sir"
"Come on man, if there is even an atom of hope" encouraged James
"Let me speak to a few people, but I'm not promising anything mind" warned the private
"I'm wiling to sanction extreme measures Brains, so if there is anything you can do, do it" James had then slumped back in his chair. "How do the majorettes find the time and energy to do all this stuff? I mean aren't they mothers with children, what are their kids doing while all this is going on?"
"Fending for themselves mainly" said Brains "One of them left her two littlies in the bath for three days while she composed a humourous Limerick about you sir. They only survived by drinking the dirty water and eating the Fireman Sam sponge."
"Good God!" Gasped James
"Yep, they're pretty serious about what they do" confirmed the private
James passed a hand across his forehead "Well at least I won't have to deal with them directly this time. It was bad enough on that cruise."
Brains laughed hollowly and looked away, avoiding the Major's eyes.
James went pale and grabbed the chair arms "They're going to be there, aren't they?"
The private had looked pityingly at his officer "They've ordered a coach. Everyone's really looking forward to it."...
Another roar of laughter from the audience dragged James back to the present. The host had now turned to his take on the weeks entertainment news which was, of course, dominated by the leaked announcement of the SZS group as the UKs entry into the Eurovision Song Contest. Whilst the broadsheets had led on the disquiet of the organisers at the move, the protests of the Russians and the accusations of prejudice by equal rights groups, many others had chosen to lampoon the entry mercilessly, asking if this was Major James' Waterloo moment and dubbing the whole thing the Euro Zom Con.
James and Mansfield Mike had been visiting Doctor Kyung-Sook's research lab on the day the news was leaked. The Doctor, who was head of research at the SZS, had been tasked with developing a range of covert aids for James and his troops to take with them on their mission.
"So doctor, I understand you have something to show me?" Said Charles looking around the lab with interest.
Kyung-Sook had glanced up from her lap top with a frown then nodded before grabbing a clipboard and pen from her desk and gesturing for James and the corporal to follow. The doctor walked between two cluttered workbenches and towards a life size mannequin which stood in one corner of the room. She had grabbed the dummy with her free hand and dragged it into some space before turning to James and handing him her pen.
The Major had glanced at the mannequin, then at the pen and commented "If you want me to sketch it Doctor, I'll need some paper"
Kyung-sook had let out a series of grunts and moans.
"She says 'very funny Major James now pay attention'" translated Mansfield
The doctor had then taken the pen from James and removed the cap to reveal an ordinary ball point tip which she then proceeded to write with.
"That is ingenious doctor" commented James "But I'm pretty sure the ball point pen has already been invented"
Kyung-sook had given James a level stare with her glowing red eyes then held up the pen and pressed down a small button on the shaft. A faint click was heard which released the ball point element so that it fell to the floor to reveal the rounded end of a small antidote wand.
The doctor again let out a series of grunts at James
"She says there is a single concentrated dose of solution in the tip and four further doses in the shaft which you can release by pressing the same button" said Mansfield "You use it in the same way as a standard wand"
James had nodded, clearly impressed.
Kyung-Sook had then moved around to the back of the mannequin and pointed the pen at its neck before pressing a button at the top. A quiet phut sound was heard and the tip shot out from the end and buried itself in the fabric of the dummy.
"Now that is pretty cool" exclaimed James
The Doctor groaned and moaned while she replaced the lid and passed the pen back to James together with a small white cardboard box.
"They have a range of only a few metres" translated the corporal "So make sure you are close enough. There are four more pens and a hundred tips in the box"
The doctor had then taken another box from her pocket and opened the lid to reveal a large gold signet ring bearing an engraving of the SZS insignia on it. She offered the box to James who took it and smiled
"Now doctor, I am flattered but you know I'm spoken for right?"
Kyong-Sook had tutted impatiently and reached over to release a hidden catch which caused the top of the ring to flip open, revealing a small space behind, within which nestled two round white pills.
"I assume these aren't asprin" mused James
The doctor had shaken her head and explained through Mansfield that they were soluble antidote tablets which would create enough solution for a standard immersion tank.
She had then pulled out a chair to reveal a small circular rubber object with an air valve projecting from the side. James had picked it up and examined it "And I assume this is a miniature portable pool which I can inflate to full size by simply blowing through here" and so saying the Major had inserted the valve in his mouth and started to blow.
Mansfield grimaced "Ah, actually sir that's my hemorrhoid ring, I'm a martyr to my piles lately. It burst the other day and I asked the Doc if she had anything to fix it"
James had stopped blowing and hurriedly removed the valve from his mouth "Really, I've never seen you with it?" Commented James
"That's cos I tend to wear it inside my trousers when I need it" replied the private with a nervous smile.
James dropped the ring immediately and stuck his tongue out whilst making a series of retching sounds.
"Anything wrong sir?" Asked the corporal with concern
"I wonder if I might trouble the doctor for a glass of water and some antibiotics" replied James hoarsely.
Just then lieutenant Samuels had entered the lab and informed James that Colonel Morley was on the video phone.
James had thanked the doctor and followed Samuels to the operations room where Morley's face could be seen on one of the computer screens.
"Major," began the American "News of your involvement in this song contest has been leaked to the press"
"Do we know who?" Asked James with a frown
"Could be one of a number of people. It was always going to be hard to keep a lid on this the closer we came to the announcement" explained the Colonel
James nodded "What's the reaction been?"
Morley shrugged "What we expected really, the Swedes are suspicious, the Russians are angry and the Internet's gone crazy"
James groaned "More paper for Brain's file I imagine"
"What?" Said Morley confused
"Nothing sir" replied James "So what happens now?"
"We stick to the plan" confirmed the Colonel "Announce your entry formally on Monday and get you on this show later the same week. How's the prep going for that by the way?"
"Oh great sir" James had lied "Just great"
"Good to hear" nodded Morley before clearing his throat and shifting uncomfortably "I can't tell you how important it is that you make a good impression on the public. Its absolutely essential to the credibility of the mission"
"I understand sir" said James
"So" began Morley
"Yes?" Prompted James
Morley shifted forward conspiratorially "Let's not use the snail joke OK?"...
The make up artist dabbed some product onto James' chin then disappeared. There was a lull in the recording of the show as a technical hitch was worked on in the control room and James had been offered a fold out seat as the delay dragged on. He glanced over towards the dressing rooms and saw the rest of the group milling around. He nodded at them and Mansfield gave him a thumbs up in response. They were due to play at the end of the show and it would be their first performance in front of a live audience.
The previous week had seen them rehearsing hard under the watchful eye of Jonathan Beck.
" Gather round people gather round" he had called to the group members as they assembled on the first morning. "Form a circle and hold hands, that's it don't be shy Smurf"
The Zombie had shuffled into position between Fingers and Mansfield and reluctantly took their hands. Everyone had then stood awkwardly as Jonathan closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. "Can you feel it?" He asked excitedly to no one in particular.
"Feel what?" Asked Dangleberries confused
"The universal anticipation as my vision for this song is slowly realised" explained Jonathan
The soldiers had looked at each other and Mansfield had started to shake, struggling to suppress a fit of giggles. Jonathan had continued oblivious to this, his eyes still tightly shut. "And you happy few will have the solumn and sacred duty of helping me achieving the very apogee of this art form"
"Apology for an art form more like" muttered Fingers under his breath, which had set Mansfield of once more.
Jonathan had cleared his throat and opened his eyes so as to unleash a withering glance at the offending soldiers. When they had fallen silent once more he had again closed his eyes and resumed "Today, however, is a red letter day in our artistic journey. Today you will don the mantle of greatness for the first full dress rehearsal." With that Jonathan had called out "Bring them in!" The door to the room had then flown open and two young women came in carrying a number of glittering green costumes in their arms.
Jonathan had moved to meet them and took the first costume from the leading woman as if he was accepting a holy relic. He had then checked the label on the inside and called out "Charles, come forward please"
James had done so and the garment had been reverentially placed in his hands, with the words "Take it and meet your destiny"
Each member of the group had been called forward in the same way and received a similar exhortation.
When all the costumes had been given out they had set about putting them on, Corporal Lane using an adjoining room for modesty's sake.
"You'd have thought he was giving out the shroud of Turin" muttered Fingers as he had pulled on his tight green jumpsuit.
Mansfield had flexed his arms and legs uncomfortably once he had struggled into his garment "This has got to be three sizes too small, every time I raise my arms other bits head north, if you know what I mean"
Dangleberries grimaced as he looked across. "Will you stop doing that Corporal. I'm getting a right eyeful from over here. Looks like the last turkey in the shop."
Just then Corporal Lane had come back into the room wearing her costume. All conversation had stopped as she walked over, ran her hands down her body and smiled at the others asking "What do you think?"
James had cleared his throat "Errr, very um...yes, very...good".
Jonathan had tutted then said " Well I think you look stunning dear. Right shall we get on?"
James dragged his eyes away from the corporal and addressed the other male members of the band who were engaged in various degrees of open mouthed gawping. "Lads...lads...LADS! Places please"
The troops had snapped out of their collective trance and took up their instruments. Meanwhile Corporal Lane walked to her position at the front of the group, next to James.
"Ok everyone" called Jonathan "Let's do this in one. Georgie remember zombie hands and let's see that vicious snarl. Good" He had then nodded to Smurf who held his drum sticks above his head and started to tap them in.
All of a sudden Corporal Lane started to wave her hands about "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" She yelled and ran off to the side room where she had changed. She had reappeared a short time later carrying a small white handbag which she placed on the floor in front of her. "Right I'm ready"
Jonathan had looked at the object on the floor in confusion "What prey is that?" He asked
"Its me handbag" said Georgie innocently
"Yes I can see that dear" smiled Jonathan "but what's it doing there?"
"I always dance best around me handbag" said the Medic
At this point James cut in "Believe me Jonathan, its for the best" he explained "Corporal Lane can be a little...err uncoordinated sometimes. The handbag helps her focus"
"But it ruins the whole aesthetic of the set James. Can't we camouflage it or something?" Pleaded Jonathan
"Hey, don't you go touching it" warned the Medic " That's me favourite bag that is. Goes really well with me white stilettos"
"Ok, ok" said Jonathan raising his hands "We'll leave it for now" before turning back to Smurf and nodding "OK private take it away"...
After that first dress rehearsal James had skyped Molly. It had been one of the rare occasions when they were both free from their duties for any length of time and James was looking forward to catching up. When Molly's face had appeared on the computer screen James had smiled warmly, suddenly realising how much he was missing her.
"Hello stranger" he grinned
"Hello yourself" replied Molly "How's the world of pop music?"
"A strange mix of hard work, crippling embarrassment and extreme danger. So very much like any normal day here" he chuckled
"Didn't think the danger would come until after deployment" said Molly
"You would think so but that doesn't factor in Corporal Lane and her extreme clumsiness" explained James "How are you doing?" he had then asked
Molly shrugged "Good. Its hard work but I'm getting to put together my own course, working out the practical exercises. Everyone's really supportive and the COs great. So how are rehearsals going?"
James had sighed inwardly. This conversation was going to be like the others when it came to Molly's new deployment, a few throw away remarks and then she'd change the subject. James hadn't pressed the issue as he didnt want to seem pushy or overly inquisitive. He was conscious that this was Molly's thing and she wanted to do it her own way. If he pressed for detail he was afraid it would be interpreted as interfering even though all he wanted to do was hear about her day, the way they used to talk about things before her transfer. So he had let the direction of the conversation shift and had talked about their first full dress rehearsal unstead.
Back in the studio, the technical delay continued and James was just about to seek out one of the production crew to see what was going on when the host himself appeared from the direction of the stage.
"Major James, I am so sorry for the delay" he apologised "The technical wizards cant seem to fix the fault so we'll have to do a bit of filling during the interview I'm afraid"
"Oh dear" said James "" What seems to be the problem?"
"Its the funniest thing" replied the host "Our internet connection has gone down completely so we can't access the web to look at some hilarious sites your fans have set up."
James assumed a disappointed look "Oh that is a shame" he said with feeling.
"I know, there was some great material on there. I was particularly looking forward to sharing one dedicated to you and Nutella. Oh well, we'll just have to chat about other stuff"
"I've got a good joke about a snail" offered James
"Excellent" said the host "Let me do the intro and then I'll call you on" and with that he walked back towards the set.
James watched him go then smiled to himself "Oh well done Brains, well done"...
In a narrow service tunnel below the studio complex two black clad figures crawled on their hands and knees one behind the other bickering in hushed tones
"I told you we'd find it in the main utility distribution intersection" said Misty in a self satisfied tone
"Yer, but you had no idea how to locate it on the map. If it weren't for me we would've ended up in the storm drain instead of the shared service conduit" countered Brains
"That's a minor detail" replied his companion in an off hand way.
"I don't think you'd be saying that if we'd ended up in the Thames" commented Brains
"Don't worry, I would've saved you from drowning" said Misty reassuringly
"Rubbish" scoffed Brains
"You're right, I would've let you sink without trace" admitted Misty
Brains ignored the comment and continued to crawl along the tunnel. After a moment he said "Your just grumpy cos your missing the show"
Misty barked a laugh "I know, how unreasonable of me to rather be in a nice warm studio watching your gorgeous boss than down a cold damp tunnel watching your bum swaying in front of me. Oh shit!"
"Well there's no need to start swearing at me" said Brains grumpily "If you didn't want to come you could have said so"
"That wasn't for you" said Misty testily "I'm caught on something"
"Caught on what?" Asked Brains twisting around awkwardly in the confined space
"I don't know I can't see" replied the majorette
"Can't you pull yourself lose" suggested Brains
"What and ruin my best set of black overalls?"
"Oh, for goodness sake" hissed Brains and started to back up towards his companion.
"Mind, you nearly kicked me in the face" protested Misty
"Will you stop your moaning?" complained Brains as he squeezed between Misty and the wall of the service tunnel so that they ended up pressed closely together in the confined space. Brains then turned slowly so he was facing the majorette, his nose almost touching hers, and worked his hand around so that it was behind her back.
"Err, what do you think your doing?" Asked Misty uncertainly
"I'm trying to find where your caught up" he murmured "What do you think?"
"Just wondered" she replied craning her head back slightly to focus on the soldiers face and frowning
Brian's noticed her expression and returned her gaze "What's the matter now?"
"Nothing...I just noticed your eyes are brown with a little green in the middle" she replied
"Something else that's wrong with me I suppose" said Brains
"No actually they're rather nice" admitted Misty
They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds longer before the majorette suddenly shifted uncomfortably
"You OK?" Asked Brains
"Yes, its just the screwdriver in your trouser pocket is pressing into me" she explained
"I haven't got a err..., I mean sorry I'll get you free" and so saying the private grabbed the rear of Misty's overalls and gently working it free of the nail end it had been caught on before pulling himself passed the majorette and crawling rapidly towards the tunnel exit. Misty smiled in the darkness then followed the soldier.
When they emerged once more into the darkness of the studio car park Brains turned to face his companion "Well..." he began awkwardly "Thanks for your errr help"
"No problem" replied Misty. She then paused before continuing "You're not in the band so does that mean you're not going to Stockholm?"
"No, I'll be there. Me and some of the others'll be providing umm...technical support" explained Brians
"What like roadies?" Asked the majorette
"Yer...sort of" replied the soldier
Misty grinned "Well I'll see you there then" she said before kissing Brains swiftly on the cheek and disappearing into the night.
Brian's raised his hand to where her lips had touched his face and smiled before turning and walking away in the opposite direction...