Seasons Greetings. Please find below a small Christmas gift for you, on the basis that this is likely to be my last offering before the big day. Sorry, I don't provide any guarantee as to quality and don't accept returns. If it is not to your liking feel free to pass it on as a gift to someone you don't like or donate to the nearest charity shop.
In this sixth instalment of the SZS' latest adventure you will find a rare outbreak of something approaching factual accuracy. The building I describe is the proposed venue for the next Eurovision Song Contest and is also part of the larger construction Brains alludes to. Some of the organisation around the lead up to the live final is also broadly correct (according to my lackadaisical research). Anyway I really hope you enjoy reading it and thank you most sincerely for your continued kindness.
The Ericsson Globe, soared nearly 100 metres into the air and dominated the skyline of Stockholm's southern suburb of Johanneshov. James had spotted what would be the venue for the upcoming competition from some distance away as he, the rest of the band and their support crew travelled in the private bus from their hotel in the centre of the city. The live final was exactly a week away and the SZS had arrived in the Swedish capital the day before to spend what was known as Eurovision Week, preparing for the big event.
Today they were to have the first of two rehearsals on the main stage when the detailed technical matters relating to the performance would be discussed with the show's artistic director. This would be followed by a press conference where James and his troops would be subjected to a series of questions about their song and its performance. James was particularly dreading this as controversy had dogged them ever since their participation had been announced, to the point where there was now a highly organised protest movement against their participation. There had even been reports of some tense stand offs between protestors and his dedicated fan club, the majorettes.
Now all these worries swirled around in his mind as they approached the giant white structure which would be the focus of intense activity over the next seven days and for the hundredth time James wished that Molly was there with him to provide solace and perspective.
"Its the biggest hemishperical structure in the world, sir" commented Brains from behind
"What is, your head?" Joked Fingers who was sitting across the aisle.
"Very funny" replied Brains "No, that" he continued nodding out of the window towards the large ball shaped building which was growing bigger by the second. "It also represents the sun in the largest permanent scale model of the solar system in the world"
"What the fuck are you talking about Brains?" asked Mansfield, who had turned around in his seat to listen.
"I mean that there are a sequence of similar spheres arranged in order and to scale representing the planets and other objects in our solar system all over Sweden" explained the private
"Certainly sounds like a load of balls to me" remarked Kinders from the back of the bus where he had been discussing aspects of the stage set up with Lieutenant Samuels.
"If you don't believe me, look at this" and Brains producing a leaflet from his trouser pocket and unfolding it to reveal a map with various places marked. "We are here" he said, pointing out Stokholm, a third of the way up the country's long east coast. "Mercury is a ball 25cm in diameter in a room at the city museum about 3km away. Venus is a 62 cm sphere in the Royal Institute of Technology about five and a half kilometres away and so on all the way to Pluto which is a 12 cm ball 300 miles north of here at a place called Delsbo."
"What I really want to know" said Mansfield Mike "Is where Uranus is"
"Why?" Asked Brains
"So I can shove that leaflet up it" replied the corporal and dissolved into laughter
"Philistine" muttered Brains as he folded the leaflet away and returned it to his pocket.
James smiled at the private "Well, I think it's admirable that you're researching about the place"
"Thank you sir" said Brains
"Hey, I've done some research as well sir" protested Mansfield Mike
"I don't think a visit to IKEA counts corporal" offered Jonathan, as he walked down from the front of the bus. "I too would endorse the Majors comments Brains" he added "The Eurovision is all about promoting understanding and mutual respect between nations. Now everyone, we're nearly there so listen up. Let's keep this low key. I want a swift deployment, a professional performance and an incident free extraction. O.K?
" Sir" came the response from the assembled soldiers.
A short time later the coach turned into the large car park fronting the Ericsson Globe and pulled up outside the main entrance where a large crowd of spectators and press where gathered. As James and his troops disembarked they were met by a barrage of camera flashes and shouted questions from the assembled reporters. Adding to the cacophony of sound were screams and cheers from a large contingent of majorettes sporting their trademark low slung combat trousers and fake headsets while directly opposite them and separated by a thin line of security guards where a group of protesters chanting and waiving placards proclaiming 'SZS go home' and 'You're dead wrong about zombies'
James watched in dismay as the majorettes surged forward and broke through the cordon of security, before piling into the protesters. One large burly majorette, sporting a particularly large set of fake stag antlers, grabbed a placard from a terrified looking protestor and brought it down on his head before shouting 'jackpot!'. At the same time a second majorette had managed to get a protestor in a headlock and was calling to her comrades "Whose got the bloody vallon? I want to probe this bastards minefield"
Jonathan stood beside James and surveyed the scene "Oh dear" he said "So much for a low key arrival" before turning to Samuels "Lieutenant, can you organise the equipment please? The Major and I will meet you on stage shortly" He then grabbed James' arm and muttered "Follow me" before pushing his way through the melee and into the venue, closely followed by James and the rest of the band.
There they were met by an official who looked with concern at the disturbance outside.
"Is there some kind of problem?" He asked uncertainly
"What, out there?" Said Jonathan glancing behind him nonchalantly "Nooo, just a little friendly banter between rival fans dear"
The man looked unconvinced but then consulted a clip board which he held in his hand.
"Austria are just finishing off on stage and you are on next." Explained the official "Please wait over there to be called" and he pointed to a seating area a short distance away.
Jonathan, James and the others walked over to the waiting area and sat down. Outside, order was slowly restored between the rival groups with each party eventually being corralled behind stout looking barriers.
A short while later, a set of double doors near to where James and his companions waited opened and the Austrian delegation appeared, headed by a glamorous woman in a flowing red gown, her long, glossy black hair complemented by a well tended beard and moustache.
Jonathan on seeing the figure narrowed his eyes briefly in anger before quickly assuming a forced smile and moving forward with open arms
"Conchita, darling. How are you?"
The woman looked across and momentarily stiffened before also assuming a mask of congeniality.
"Jonathan! Vot a vonderful surprise"
They both approached each other and embraced awkwardly before executing the most pronounced air kisses James had ever seen.
"Vot brings you here. You're not trying to zell zat funny undervear of yours to ze Svedes are you?" Asked Conchita maintaining her toothy grin
"No, no dear. I don't need to try, I have two very successful stores here already." Replied Jonathan pointedly "I'm the head of delegation for the UK entry"
"Really? Ze Infamous SZS" said Conchita pursing her lips "Vell I suppose if your talents lie zat vay...and of course ze role does require somevun of a certain...maturity"
Jonathan laughed lightly before stopping abruptly and saying "And I hear you are singing again...trying to recapture past success I suppose"
Conchita's rictus of a smile started to waver slightly but she managed to save its complete collapse through a herculean effort and replied "Oh, darlink they begged me. Really it was embarrassing. I had to say yes to stop their constant pestering"
"I'm sure..." Replied Jonathan sounding anything but.
"Anyvay" continued the Austrian "I must be going. The press are clammering for my attention you know"
"Of course" replied Jonathan "We can't keep Barbers Weekly waiting"
Conchita's smiling muscles were again tested to the limit but she successfully masked the struggle by throwing her head back and forcing out a bark of laughter before shaking her head and saying "Ah, Jonathan, your English humour". She then turned on the heel and walked away, her entourage following in her wake.
James sidled up to Jonathan " Friend of yours?" He asked uncertainly
"No" replied Jonathan simply "The coniving little hussy stole my Drag last year"
"Your Drag?" Said James with a frown
"Yes" then catching James' confused look "Surely you've heard of the Drags dear?"
"Errr, think you'll have to remind me" admitted James
"Its like the Oscars for cross dressers. I was up for best man/woman of the year, then she waltzes in with her hair and her stubble, flirts outrageously with the judges and snatches the award from under my nose." Jonathan blew out "Three times I've been nominated" he went on. "That was my year, my year...I mean what's she done compared to my achievements?"
"I have no idea" said James
"Exactly" agreed Jonathan
"No really, I have no idea" admitted James
"Oh for goodness sake" groaned Jonathan "For an educated man Charles your ignorance sometimes staggers me"
"Sorry.." Apologised the Major
"She won the Eurovision Song Contest in 2014" explained Jonathan
"Oh, I see"
"Whilst I've built a multinational business up from scratch in less than two years"
"Indeed" nodded James
"They're not even in the same ball park" complained Jonathan
"That's right." James ventured "As you said yourself, this is only the greatest song contest in the know universe"
Jonathan frowned at the Major "Yes, I did say that didn't I...well you shouldn't listen to everything I say dear. Shall we get on?" And so saying he led the way through the double doors and into the auditorium.
When they entered the main hall James and his troops stopped and looked around in open mouthed amazement. The venue was massive with row upon row of seating sweeping up the sides of the circular space and disappearing into the haze of the distant ceiling.
"Oh fuck" muttered Mansfield Mike
Jonathan stopped and look behind him "Well what did you expect?" He asked "You're in the big league now"
"I think I'm going to be sick" commented Corporal Lane
"Can you wait until we've got the immersion tank up?" Asked Fingers
Dangleberries walked to the front of the little group and passed the Medic a paper bag "Just breath into this, it'll pass in a bit" He then looked around and nodded to himself "Alright, let's do this" he said and strode towards the stage, followed after a pause by the others.
The stage formed a huge semi-circle at the far end of the auditorium with two runways extending out either side of it into the stalls. In between these runways sat a large steel bowl with a variety of nozzles protruding from its smooth sides.
"What is that?" Asked James
"Its a fountain apparently" replied Jonathan "It'll spray coloured jets of water in time to the music. I've been told its all very impressive"
In the centre of the stage area Lieutenant Samuels was in deep discussion with Brains and another man while Kinders supervised the setting up of the instruments, immersion tank and other elements of the set.
"How's it going lieutenant?" Asked Jonathan
"Nearly there sir" replied Samuels "This is Arvid, the technical director"
The man nodded to Jonathan and James "We have your lighting schedules and backdrop programmed in. Just let us know when you are ready"
James surveyed the scene then turned to the Swede "Give us five minutes" he said
"Ok" and with that the man walked off the stage and fell into conversation with a technician in the wings.
Jonathan then clapped his hands together and called out "Places everyone!"
Samuels and his men quickly cleared away a number of storage cases and other items from the stage and retreated to the wings while the band members took up their instruments. James walked towards the large immersion tank centre stage and stared into it before letting out an audable sigh.
"What's wrong?" Asked Jonathan
"On nothing" replied James "Its just that the glitter gets everywhere" he went on nodding at the large quantities of shiny green powder which filled the pool
"We all have to make sacrifices in the pursuit of high art" commiserated Jonathan
"Yes, but its not your toilet paper that looks like Christmas wrapping for a week afterwards" he muttered before climbing into the container.
Corporal Lane then positioned herself next to the immersion tank and started to look for something on the floor.
"Hang on, hang on" she called "Where is it, where's me bag?"
Jonathan walked over to the Medic and took both her hands in his "Now Georgie" he said coaxingly "We've spoken about this moment haven't we dear? We can't have your handbag dumped in the middle of the stage like a lump of dog mess."
"Hey its a nice bag that. It cost me an arm and a leg" protested Lane
"No, no it's a lovely bag" explained Jonathan "It just doesn't belong in shot during an international televised music event. It looks all wrong and will end up getting in the way"
"But I won't know where I am" bemoaned the Medic
"Yes you will" Jonathan reassured her " Remember we have practice this. You need to focus on something and spot when you turn. You were really getting the hang of it last time we tried"
Lane frowned then nodded uncertainly "Ok, I'll give it a go"
"Good girl" said Jonathan encouragingly then turned to Arvid who was still standing in the wings and gave the thumbs up. The man nodded and spoke into his headset. Moments later the main house lights dimmed and two spotlights picked out James and Georgie whilst a large screen at the back of the stage began to shimmer and ripple with random patterns in silver and green.
Smurf then counted them in and the introduction to their song issued from the large speakers on either side of the stage and filled the auditorium. Corporal Lane started to move unsteadily to the music while James launched into the first verse. In front of the stage the fountain lept into life, squirting streams of water in time with the music, the liquid shot through with vivid colours which coruscated as it jumped and sprayed.
As the performance progressed Lane started to gain confidence, moving with more certainty and adding complexity to her dance so that soon she was spinning and gyrating across the stage. As James started the second chorus, Lane commenced a seductive, writhing progression towards James which increased in energy and purpose as the climax of the song approached. Just as she reached the immersion tank the Medic executed a particularly ambitious spin which she failed to spot effectively, causing her to lose her balance and fall heavily on the side of the inflatable pool. The rubber flexed to break her decent effectively but then rebounded with equal efficiency to send her flying off of the stage and into the stalls, where she landed with a resounding crash onto a fold out table being used by the stage manager and his assistants.
James lept from the immersion tank in a spray of green glitter shouting "Man down. Man down!" and ran to the edge of the stage where he was joined by the rest of the band. Jonathan also hurried from the wings, followed by lieutenant Samuels and the rest of the support crew who gathered around the stricken medic. Lane rolled off the shattered table clutching her wrist and grimacing in pain.
"Are you alright Lane?" Asked James with some concern
"Yes sir" she hissed through gritted teeth "Apart from my broken wrist"
"Are you sure corporal?" Asked the Major
"Pretty sure sir" breathed the Medic in obvious pain "It's the bone sticking out that gives it away" she said pointing to the offending article
"Oh God" gasped Mansfield Mike and started to sway unsteadily beside James
"Someone grab him!" Shouted Jonathan as the soldier started to topple. "We don't want another crowd dive without the crowd"
Fingers and Dangleberries caught hold of Mansfield and lowered him to the floor while two paramedics ran from the back stage area and started to tend to Lane.
Jonathan looked on in concern while they worked then checked his watch and beckoned James over. "You and the band better get to the press conference. I'll stay here and take care of this then sit down with Samuels and the technical team to look at the playback. Let's meet up after that to review the situation, OK?"
James nodded and gathered the rest of the band, including a still queasy looking Mansfield Mike. They then followed an official, who had been dispatched to collect them, out of the auditorium, through the reception area and into a large room filled with ranks of journalists, photographers and cameramen.
James and his companions were invited to sit behind a long desk at one end of the room while the official invited questions from the audience. James had discussed their approach to the press at some length with Jonathan. They had agreed that James would do all the talking and that he would focus on their entry rather than be drawn into any discussion about the zombies. They had been told that the first question would be from the BBC and would be friendly and so it proved:
"What does it feel like actually being here at last" asked the young female reporter with a smile
"Great" replied James trying to sound convincing "We're really excited about our song and looking forward to the competition"
"And do you have a message for your fans?"
James considered what he would like to say to the majorettes but concluded that it would be inappropriate so instead said "We'd like to thank them for their support and encourage them to vote for us on Saturday night."
The official then invited local press to put their questions. A blond haired man raised his hand and was given the nod.
"What would you say to those who alledge you have only been selected to keep an eye on the Russian competitors?" He asked in excellent English
James smiled and said "We are keeping our eye on all our competitors. Its good to have some idea what we are up against"
This caused a ripple of laughter around the room but the man preserved
"But seriously Major you must be aware of the controversy surrounding your entry?"
James nodded "I am aware of the speculation" he admitted "All I can say is that we have come here to sing and hopefully win the Eurovision song contest for the UK"
The official then moved on to a grey haired man in a dark suit who introduced himself as a representative of a Russian newspaper and put his question in a thick accent
"What do you say to those who are protesting against your involvement as an affront to equal rights and a militarisation of the competition"
James paused before answering "I would say that they are entitled to their opinion and that I support their right to protest. I would also say that simply because we are in the military does not mean that we are militarising the competition. As I have said, we are here to sing, nothing else."
"But what of your song. Does it not denigrate zombies?" Went on the reporter
"I don't think so" countered James "Its about...someone I know that was a zombie and that we cured during a mission"
"But the comical dance which your colleague performs surely degrades people in that condition?" pressed the reporter
"Not at all, its just a bit of fun" replied James lightly
"So it is alright to make fun of these people?" the man went on
James shifted uncomfortably in his seat "No that's not what I meant"
"I put it to you Major that your song and its performance is prejudiced against the alternatively alive" accused the man
"That's not true" replied James firmly
"That it parodies their characteristics in order to demean them" sent on the journalist ignoring James
"I don't accept that" James fired back, his temper rising
"Why should we believe you?" mocked the reporter "A man who has made it his career to hunt down their kind"
"Because some of my best friends are zombies!" Declared James hotly
"Ah, the universal refrain of the bigot" replied the Russian
James ground his teeth in barely suppressed outrage then turned to Smurf who had been sitting quietly beside him with his disguise of dark glasses firmly in place "This man" he declared pointing at the shocked private "Has saved my life more times than I can remember. He is one of my best men and he is a zombie. Show them Smurf"
The soldier stared at his officer in consternation.
"Its all right" said James breathing hard "Go ahead"
Smurf slowly raised his hand to his face and removed his glasses to reveal the burning red orbs underneath.
There was a collective gasp from the assembled press before the room exploded in a frenzy of camera flashes and shouted questions.
The presiding official tried in vain to restore order while the Russian reporter stood in triumph and bellowed "Behold, another insulting parody! The man doesn't even look like a real zombie! Shame, shame!" A call which was taken up by other reporters in the room.
James' look of triumph faded as he realised how the revelation had been interpreted
"No!" He asserted "He really is a zombie. You can't make up that amount of snot" but his protests were to no avail and he was soon shouted down. The official had meanwhile given up all hope of restoring order and ushered James and his men from the room and out into the waiting area beyond.
There the band sat down in shocked silence before Mansfield Mike cleared his throat and said "Well that could have gone better. Do you think anyone will find out?"
Fingers stared at the corporal "It was a press conference fuck wit, of course people will find out"
"Oi" fired back Mansfield "That's corporal fuck wit to you" The soldier then glanced over at James who sat quietly with his head in his hands. "Cheer up sir, it can't be that bad"
James looked up "Corporal, I can assure you it is that bad, but more to the point it's going to get a lot worse"
Mansfield frowned "How sir?"
Just then Jonathan appeared through a set of doors and hurried over to the band "Well Georgie's got a compound fracture of the wrist" he began "so she's out of the competition which means that I'll have to rethink the set , the lighting, everything. Its a bloody disaster." He then ran his hand across his forehead and looked at James "How did the press conference go?"
The Major looked across at Mansfield "This is how"...
Glukov poured two large vodkas and passed one to the Russian journalist.
"Zazdarovja" he said and raised his glass
"Zazdarovja" repeated the journalist
They then both looked across at a large television screen at one end of the hotel room. A news report was replaying scenes from the SZS press conference, and they had just reached the point where Smurf had removed his glasses, triggering uproar.
Glukov chuckled at the scenes "What was the man thinking?" He said shaking his head "We couldn't have hoped for a better outcome. I owe you one Vladimir"
"Just get me that interview with the president and we'll be even" replied the journalist
Glukov nodded "I'll talk to some people"
Just then the telephone rang. Glukov set down his drink and picked up the receiver.
"Hello...yes Minister Barinov, would you hold on one moment" Glukov then held his hand over the mouthpiece and said "Vladimir would you mind"
The journalist raised his hand in acknowledgement then downed his drink before waving a goodbye and leaving the room. Glukov waited until the door had closed before returning to the call.
"Sorry Minister I can talk freely now" Glukov then listened for a time "Yes minister, all is in hand. The tranquilliser is keeping them biddable and we are varying the dosage so that they become more active during performances." Glukov paused again to listen before continuing "Of course we will reduce it as much as we dare for the semi final...no, no Anatoly suspects nothing I am sure"
The Russian then smiled "The SZS minister?...No we have no concerns in that regard. In fact we are expecting the announcement of their disqualification at any time"...