Hey everyone I'm trying to get back into writing this but if I'm honest these last two chapters have been really hard for me. Personally I've had to deal with two deaths close to each other and this story line just brought up some bad times for me. So anyway, I have tried to write this the best I could but I just wanted to get these done and out-of-the-way.
Thanks to anyone who reads/reviews/ or alerts this story!
I own nothing but my imagination.
I sat on the boot of my Camero in the back yard of Rufus's cabin, my legs crossed under me, my hood pulled up with my MP3 player blasting Breaking Benjamin as loud as it would go. But it still wasn't loud enough. I could still hear my thoughts, louder than any music. I closed my eyes as the sting of fresh tears slid down my cheeks. He... was getting better. They were talking about removing the bullet. He was supposed to be getting better. He was never meant to... The tears fell onto my hands as they trembled at the memory of him laying in the bed, so still. He died, he let go. He gave up on us. I... I don't know how to go on. He's dead. Dead. The word bounced around my head as if it was a bee trying to get out of a jar. I shook my head as my heart lurched at the word. No, I can't, he can't be. He wouldn't leave us. He wouldn't abandon us like this! Not like this! Not now! Not when we need him the most! How could he?! How could he leave us when we need him?! How is that fair? How in any reality is that fair? Why would he go? Why didn't he fight more? Why didn't Dick shoot me? Why couldn't I be the last one in? Why didn't I get the bullet to the head? It should have been me. It should be me. I should be dead and Bobby should be in that cabin helping the boys through it. It shouldn't have been Bobby!
"It should have been me." I sobbed to myself as I wrapped my arms around my body and rocked back and forth. The tears fell hard as I rocked back and forth, a part of me praying any second Bobby would come out and hug me, telling me it would all be ok. It had been a five days since Bobby had died and the boys had gone to pick up his body. We planned to give him a hunters funeral, he was the best damn hunter I knew, he deserved a proper funeral. He deserved to be alive! None of this is right! I got mad. I got really mad. I felt the wolf within me stir as my raged built. She fed from the anger and return gave me a new fire that burnt within me. It was a rage and fire that scared me. The rage was different since the wolf came back. I wasn't sure how to control it, or even how to calm it down. I had tried not to give into that power, not yet anyway. But when I find Dick, he's going to wish he shot me in the head!
"This isn't fair!" I growled snapping my head up and looking up to the sky. "He shouldn't be dead!" I added smashing my fists into the boot. As the release of anger happened I realised that I had wreck the boot. The two large dints would take some effort banging back out. I dropped my head as I released my aching fists. I caught the scent of Sam and wiped away the tears from my face, not that it would help, I knew I looked a wreck because that's exactly how I was feeling. Sam walked in front of me and started to talk, I couldn't hear him over my music. I pulled a headphone out and gave him a sad smile.
"Oh, I didn't think you heard me." Sam said slightly nervously. Sam had been crying by his puffy red eyes, he shoved his hands into his pockets and hunched his back slightly. "We, Dean wants to... he doesn't want to wait around. The fires built. Are you ready?" Sam asked as I saw him choke on a lump in his throat. Sam was taking this as hard and any of us. We were all close to Bobby in our own ways.
"No, but... I mean, he shouldn't be dead Sam." I said as fresh tears stung my eyes. Sam nodded with the saddest of looks on his face as he pulled me into a tight hug. His massive arms cocoon me as I sobbed softly.
"I know Megan, I know." He shushed me as he held me closer to him. I shook as Sam rubbed my back.
"How are you holding up?" I asked pulling out of the hug and slipping off my boot. I noticed Sam glanced at the dents in boot and gave me a questioning look before answering me.
"I, I'm just still processing, you know?" Sam asked as I pulled my hood down and ran a hand through my hair, trying to make myself look presentable. It was the least I owed Bobby.
"I know, I'm here if you wanna talk." I said sadly as we started to walk deeper into the forest. We walked in silence both lost in our own thoughts for a few minutes until we reached a small clearing ."How's Dean? Has he talked to you?" I asked worriedly, playing with the sleeve of my jacket. Truth was, Dean didn't talk to me about Bobby. He wasn't talking to Sam either, he was just bottling it in. It scared me how much he was keeping in. I could only begin to imagine how bad it was getting for him.
"Umm, only what he has to. He did the same when our dad died, Jo and Ellen. He's going to bottle it in." Sam admitted sharing my worried look. It easy to see I wasn't the only one worried.
"How do we get him to talk?" I asked as I caught the scent of Dean and gasoline. I shuddered a little at the thought of covering Bobby's body in gasoline and salt. I knew I wasn't strong enough to do that. I knew we were getting closer when I could hear Dean throw an empty can aside.
"He'll talk when he's ready." Sam said sadly as we reached a clearing. There was a large pile of wood with a body wrapped in a white sheet on top of it. Resting on Bobby's chest was his trucker cap, the one he was wearing the day he was shot. His favourite one. My heart ached seeing Bobby laid there like that. I just couldn't shake the fact it wasn't right, none of this was right. We walked up to Dean and stood there in silence for a few minutes. I glanced at Dean and his eyes were glued on Bobby's body. He looked like hell, there were dark circles under his eyes, his green had lost it shine. He looked exhausted and I knew for a fact he hadn't been sleeping. He had been spending the last few nights drinking himself into a mini-coma and I think he liked it. It saved him from thinking about the truth. About the reason we were all stood there.
"Bobby, you,um, you were a father to us. Probably more than our Dad actually." Sam said sadly with a small smirk, breaking our silence. "You taught me Poker, how to track weather omens, you even showed me how to used devil traps. You taught me more than anyone else about this life. You, um.." Sam's voice broke and I glanced at him seeing the tears roll down his cheeks as he tried to keep it together. He wiped away the tears and continued. "You taught me about the importance of family. Bobby you were our family. You were a great hunter Bobby. One in a million and I'm going to miss you..." Sam finished wiping the tears off his face. I glanced at Sam and gave him a sad smile, squeezing his hand a little. I took a deep breath and looked at Bobby's body. The lurch of my heart made the words catch in my throat as I tried to figure out the right words to say. Although I had experienced death far too much for my young life, and even though everyone apart from Sam and Dean had died around me; this in fact was one of my first funerals. I didn't know what the right words were to say but I knew, standing there, looking at the body, I had to say something.
"Bobby, I, I remember when I first talked to you, man I thought, I thought you were one grumpy, pain in the neck, nag. I know now you were only keeping your eye on me." I said as the tears fell. I found the words harder to say as I fought the lump in my throat. "Ever since I came into your life you've shown me nothing but love, no matter how bad things have gone. You were always..." The lump in my throat was hard to talk past and I had to take a moment. Dean grabbed hold of my hand and held it tight, I glanced at him, but his eyes were still glued on the pyre. He rubbed his thumb over mine and it helped. "You were always there for me, us. I never got to tell you how much I loved you Bobby Singer. How much I respected you for taking in three orphans and raising them like your own. You were my father, and I will...I will never forget you." I sobbed pulling Dean into a hug. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his shoulder, rubbing my arm slightly. I was crying on Dean and I could feel the grief from both brothers wash over me. It just made my grief worse, something I didn't think was possible. I forced myself to cry less, realising that I needed to be stronger for Dean and Sam. I needed to be strong for them like they were strong for me. Like Bobby would have been for us.
"Bobby," Dean's voice came out hoarse and broken, I knew he had been crying, but he was just about holding it together. I looked up at him wiping away the tears. "You were my father, you taught me how to fix cars, play catch and all those other kids things my father never taught me." Dean paused taking a deep breath. I hugged his arm giving him a sad smile. "You helped me make my first sawn off, how to make bullets and what good whiskey tasted like. You were there for me, when I didn't know what to do..." I heard Dean swallow hard and saw how hard it was for him to keep it together. "Rest in peace, you deserve it." Dean said pulling his zippo out of his pocket. He flicked it open and tossed it onto the pyre. The flames built quickly, consuming Bobby's body as we all stood there in a deafly silence as we watched the flames. The oranges and reds quickly rose to the sky like a phoenix trying to escape. The warm glow of the fire did nothing to get rid of the cold guilty feeling I had in my guts. I should have been the one to get shot in the head... I'll make this right Bobby I promise.
I don't know how long we stood out there watching the flames, it was probably all night, because when we finally moved away the flames were dying down. Everything felt wrong. It just didn't feel right without Bobby around shouting at us, calling us eijets for everything we had done. We made our way through the clearing back to the cabin when I was stopped abruptly by Dean. He still had hold of my hand and was looking back at the smouldering pyre.
"Dean?" I asked softy as I saw his shoulders slump. He was saying his goodbyes to Bobby, his final goodbyes. Dean turned to me and the red puffy eyes were there, cheeks tear streaked. I tugged his arm closer to me and we hugged. I wanted to hug the grief out of him. I wanted to hold him until he was ok to take on the world. But I knew we couldn't it would take a life time to get over Bobby Singer. A lifetime we might not have if the leviathans were still hell bent on finding us.
We sat in the cabin, each with a beer staring out at nothing as we thought about the old grump. It never got easy, losing someone. You'd think after all I had been through, the amount of times I had lost loved ones it would. Some trick of the mind that, it didn't effect you so much, but it does. I felt hollow inside, there was a piece of me missing. A piece was missing – Bobby.
"He, he told me once that you two were the sons he never had. He was so proud of you both." I said looking up from my bottle and glancing at the pair. Sam nodded sadly but Dean was still zoned out. I worried what Dean was thinking, I wouldn't use my powers to see what he was feeling, I was too scared at what I might find out.
"He had a picture of your wedding day in his family photo album, near his own wedding photos." Sam admitted looking at me.
"Really?" I choked out feeling the tears coming back up. I knew Bobby loved us all, and thought of us as family, but I never knew he kept the photo's so safe.
"Yeah, I know he was so happy when you and Dean finally got together." Sam smiled before taking a sip of his beer.
"I miss him." I said sadly playing with my bottle.
"Me too." Sam added looking down at his own bottle before Dean suddenly stood up and walked out of the cabin.
"What's he doing?" I asked getting onto my feet to fallow him. Sam grabbed my arm and held me back.
"He just needs some time alone. Trust me, it's better this way." Sam said still holding my arm.
"How is this better? I mean have you seen him lately? He doesn't talk, hardly eats pretty much all he's doing is drinking himself into a grave right next to Bobby's. I can't let him do that Sam." I sighed softly pulling my arm free. I tried to keep my emotions in check as I glanced to the door, hoping that Dean wasn't going to drink himself into a mini coma again.
"But he needs time to process it all on his own. You go out there now, and I promise you, he wont talk to you. He'll just get madder." Sam said knowingly. I studied Sam's features for a second weighing up his reasoning.
"But..." I sighed looking to the door and then back to Sam.
"I know, but trust me on this one ok?" Sam asked giving me the damn puppy dog eyes.
"Fine... but I'm giving him a week, if he's still acting the same, I'm talking to him." I said firmly.
"Deal." Sam nodded holding his hands up in defeat. I sighed looking back at the door one more time before walking back to the sofa.
It had been a couple of days and we had fallen into a routine. Dean would keep to himself going out and getting drunk in the woods, barely making back to the cabin most nights. Sam would go through Bobby's old things, sometimes taking them into a spare bedroom and crying to himself. I just seemed to spend most of the time sobbing to myself, staying in or on my Camero. I worked the dents out of the boot. It was late and Dean still hadn't come back in. Sam had called it a night and went to try and get some sleep. I was laid out on the couch rolling an empty bottle of scotch in my hands. I couldn't sleep, I wouldn't sleep. Since I got my memories back, since I got me back, images of purgatory had been seeping into my dreams. At first they were just hints of monsters, then they started to appear more and more in my dreams. Ever since we lost Bobby they were practically all I could dream about. I was glad in a way that the boys were so busy that they hadn't noticed. I sat playing with the bottle, trying not to think about Bobby or the Leviathans. I sat there just rolling the bottle when the door to the cabin opened softly. I looked up to see Dean walk in, he looked a little surprised to see me sat there, and honestly I was a little surprised to see him.
"Hi." I said softly waving a hand at him. Dean closed the door and walked over to me.
"Hey." He replied sitting in the chair near by. He looked tired, he looked really tired.
"How are you?" I asked looking down at the bottle in my hands. Dean didn't answer and I wondered if he heard me at all. I looked up and saw Dean looked straight at me, I could feel the grief and guilt, and anger wash over me as he looked into my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked back down at the bottle. "Yeah, figured that was how you were doing." I said picking at the label on the bottle.
"You want another beer?" Dean grunted as he got up and walked over to the fridge. I glanced up and shook my head. "Suit yourself." He sighed taking a beer out and opening it.
"You not going to sleep?" I asked carefully as he came and sat down back in the chair. Dean let out a grunt and rolled his shoulders.
"Planning on drinking till I pass out, you?" He asked looking at me. I shifted slightly and put the bottle on the table. I forced myself not to say anything, biting my tongue rather than challenging Dean's drinking. I had promised Sam I'd give Dean a week and it hadn't passed yet.
"I... I'm not tired." I said getting to my feet and putting the bottle in the bin. I turned back around and saw Dean staring out into nothing. "You know, we did all we could." I said softly as Dean's head snapped to me. If looks could kill, the cold harsh look on Dean's face would kill me.
"Did we?" Dean asked bitterly. He scoffed and shook his head.
"Yeah, we did." I replied calmly, keeping my voice even.
"We should have tried more, done something, anything." Dean said bitterly before taking a long sip of his beer.
"Dean, beating yourself up about it, it's not what Bobby would have wanted." I sighed softly trying to make him understand that none of this was his fault. I hoped that he would see it wasn't his fault and then not drink so much.
"How do you know? I mean how do you know it's not my fault? Everyone who stays around me dies! My dad, Sammy, Ellen, Jo, Rufus, Cass, Bobby, hell even you! Everyone dies around me!" Dean snapped with anger burning in his eyes. He got up and marched out of the cabin. I sighed running a hand through my hair and glanced back to the room Sam was sleeping in. I knew I promised Sam but I had to help Dean so I decided to fallow him out. I closed the door softly behind me and caught Dean's scent going deeper into the woods. I followed the scent until I found him sat with his back lent against the burnt pyre we set up for Bobby. He was crying, the tears rolling down his face, yet he wasn't making any noise. It killed me seeing Dean like. So broken, so grief stricken, so alone.
"You don't get us killed Dean." I said as I reached him. Dean looked up at me and threw the bottle of beer near my feet. It smashed and I took a step back. I knew he wasn't mad at me, not really.
"I do! Everyone dies around me, leaves me sooner or later!" Dean snapped getting too his feet and wiping the tears away. "Don't you see?!" He asked staring into my eyes.
"No, I don't! I see a man who has lost way too much! But I don't see a man who courses his friends to die! You didn't get anyone killed Dean!" I yelled back matching my voice with Deans.
"But I did damn it!" Dean growled getting hold of my by the shoulders and shaking my hard. "I get everyone killed! I made Bobby go with us to scout on Dick! I made the pair of you go to the roof! If I hadn't come up with the damn plan then we wouldn't have been there. Bobby wouldn't have been shot! He wouldn't be dead now, if it wasn't for me!" Dean shouted letting me go and I stumbled back a few steps. Dean let out a scream and punched a near by tree. Something within me stirred, a feeling, a hunger. As Dean got madder and madder all I wanted to do was rip something apart. I didn't care what it was, I just needed to destroy something. I knew that was my wolf side and I knew I didn't have control enough to let that side out yet, let alone the damage I could do with it. I forced myself to focus on the hurt Dean was feeling and tried to calm him down.
"Dean! Stop it!" I cried out rushing to his side and grabbing his arm before he lashed out at the tree again. "Stop!" I pleaded but he just shook me off, punching the tree again. I could smell the blood on the air as he pounded the tree.
"I got Bobby killed!" Dean cried out hitting the tree a few more times for good measure.
"Look Dean," I said jumping in front of him and blocking the tree. "If anyone got Bobby killed we both know it was-"
"Don't say you." Dean snapped at me, taking a step back. "Don't blame yourself." He said threw grit teeth nursing his hand.
"I wasn't going to." I admitted and Dean looked at me confused. Ok honestly I was, but I knew if I did in that moment it wouldn't have helped anyone.
"The who?" He asked pausing, standing perfectly still. The rage on a edge, one wrong word tipping him over the edge.
"Dick Roman." I said plainly. "He shot Bobby, he's the bastard we have to work on killing." I said feeling calmer.
The next couple of days no one really talked but the grief didn't feel so bad. We sat around silently in the cabin, keeping our thoughts to ourselves. We were all processing it, each in our own way. Late one night, after Sam had gone to bed and while Dean was sat out at the pyre I started to fall asleep. I felt my eyes getting heavier by the second and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my eyes open for much longer.
I was lost, alone and scared. The darkness was never-ending. I knew I was the only human soul in there, well human enough. I started to walk, I had no idea where I was heading but I needed to keep moving. The wind whistled through the darkness, a bone chilling cold.
"Robin-hood and Little John running through the forest, laughing back and forth at what the other had to say, reminiscing, this and that-ing, and having such a good time," I sang softly to myself as I moved, trying my best to remain calm.
"Human..." A ghost of a voice called out in the darkness. I froze to the spot, my heart catching in my throat. "Oh little human... where are you?" The voice called out in the darkness. I herd feet, claws scrape again the darkness, the noise is something I could never forget. I needed to move. I needed to get away. I ran, I ran as fast as my legs would take me. I ran through the burn, as my muscles begged me to stop, rest just for a second. But I knew I couldn't rest, I knew I couldn't stop. "Human, there's no point running, we will find you." The voice called out. It sounded like it was right behind me. My heart pounded as I raced more. I turned quickly and instantly regretted it. I felt a hand rip into my shoulder, tearing through muscle and bone as it gripped me.
"No! Let me go!" I cried as I tried to free myself from the death grip. "Dean!" I screamed as I was pulled backwards onto my heels and dragged away. "Dean help me!" I cried out as tears rolled down my cheeks. "Help me!"
"Help me!" I screamed sitting bolt upright on the sofa. My heart pounded in my chest as I looked around and saw the darkness. It scared the living hell out of me. I jumped to my feet and raced out the door and into the woods, my bare feet running as far away as I could go. I finally stopped running and rested against a tree catching my breath as I panted hard. My mind raced, as my heart thumped in my chest. Get out! I need to get out of here! They're going to find me! It's just a matter of time. Time. Ha! Yeah right! Time means nothing here. Escape. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I let a scream out, grabbing it and twisting it before throwing the thing into a tree. I didn't stop to see what it was, I just kept running. I must have ran all night, because only when the sun came up did I finally stop. Once I was surrounded by light I realised I wasn't trapped in my dream any more. I slowly made my way back to the cabin, I had a few cuts on my feet but they were already healing by the time I made it to the front door. As I walked in I saw Sam making breakfast, he gave me a worried look, throwing me those famous puppy dog eyes. It didn't take a genius to figure out he knew what was going on with me.
"Megan, can we talk?" Sam asked softly as he made eggs.
"I um.. I need a shower first." I lied as I hurried off to the bathroom. I jumped in the shower and washed while I tried to figure out a way to explain the screams to Sam. I knew I wouldn't be able to, not really. I sighed climbing out of the shower and taking a good long look at myself in the mirror.
"Well you look like shit, that's always an awesome start." I sighed softly, my hair clung to my face in damp curls as my eyes seemed to be darker than normal. "They're just dreams, just dreams. They don't mean anything. I'm.." I let out a heavy sigh, pushing the damp curls off my face. "I'm just remembering it... Super! I just need to work it through my system, then, then I'll be be fine. Yeah, that's all I need to say to Sammy. Just that." I said with a quick nod. It didn't even sound convincing to me. I groaned and bashed my head against the mirror slightly. "He's going to know I'm lying." I muttered to myself.
"You'll give yourself a headache doing that." Dean said, appearing at the door. I hadn't heard the door open or even caught his scent. I jumped slightly and turned to him. He looked as bad I felt. I saw him rubbing his shoulder and realised who exactly was in the woods.
"How, how long have you been um, stood there?" I asked pulling the towel up slightly. It was more a nervous reaction than anything.
"Not long, what's wrong?" Dean asked leaning on the door frame and folding his arms over his chest. I noticed the slight wince as he lent on the frame.
"What's wrong with your shoulder?" I asked softly, biting my bottom lip. Dean took a long moment to look at me before glancing to his shoulder.
"I fell into a tree." He said meeting my eyes. There was a look there, one that said he wasn't entirely sure about pushing the issue. It wasn't a look that I was used to seeing with Dean. We stood there in an awkward silence until Sam yelled that breakfast was ready.
I got dressed and walked to the table sitting down between Sam and Dean as they ate. I couldn't bring myself to eat. My stomach was turning with the memories of Purgatory. I sat there sipping on some orange juice. Everything felt like we were all walking on egg shells around each other. I wasn't sure any of us wanted to mention Bobby or Dean's drinking or my freaking out. We were barely keeping the lie of everything's alright going before I started freaking out. I wasn't sure how long it could last, and by the looks Sam was giving me, neither did he.
"So how did you sleep?" Sam asked taking a sip of his coffee as he looked at me. I glanced at Dean and then met Sam's gaze. I should tell the truth... but with everything with Bobby... it's too soon.
"I had a bad dream last night." I admitted looking down to the glass of juice.
"I heard you screaming." Sam added with the damn puppy dog look.
"Yeah," I sighed running a hand through my hair. "I ran out the house..." I trailed off and glanced at Dean who wasn't looking at me. He was eating.
"What did you dream about?" Sam asked drawing my attention back to him. I looked into his eyes and realised that now really wasn't the time to let the guys know I was losing it. They had enough to deal with and telling them that I was having dreams of being back in Purgatory wasn't going to help anyone. I took a sip of my orange juice and looked down at it.
"I... I dreamt that I was back with Bobby in the back of the van-" I started to lie when Dean pushed his chair back and stormed out of the cabin. Both me and Sam watched as he walked out, slamming the door behind him. I turned to Sam and shook my head. "I didn't mean for him to walk out." I said softly.
"He's still trying to find a way to deal with it." Sam replied with a small shrug.
"We both know how he's dealing with it Sam." I sighed with a small amount of frustration in my voice. Sam opened his mouth to argue but I just glared at him and he sighed.
"It's Dean." Sam said as if it explained everything.
"He's going to end up next to Bobby at this rate! He's drinking himself to an early grave!" I cried out standing up.
"He wont listen to you, or me! You know that." Sam sighed as I paced up and down in front of him.
"Of course I know that, it doesn't make any easier to watch!" I almost growled feeling the egg shells we were all walking on disappear like morning mist.
"I know! I've seen him go through this too many times!" Sam snapped slamming his hands on the table. My head shot round to his direction and I could see the mixture of anger and frustration play out on his face. "We just.. he just need a little time..." Sam said softly dropping his head.
"Sam..." I said softly reaching out to touch his shoulder.
"I need some air." Sam announced quickly leaving the cabin almost mirroring Dean.
I was left alone in the cabin. Something inside me snapped. The anger from the row with Sam, or the lack of communication with Dean, it could been a combination of both but something snapped in me. I let out a deep growl as the rage burned inside me. I started to smash the empty beer bottles, punch and kick the furniture, I lashed out at everything.
"This is all too much!" I cried as tears started to roll down my cheeks. "You were meant to be here for us, for me! You were meant to always be here for me! You promised after my family died, you promised to be here for me!" I cried as I dropped to my knees in the mist of the chaos of the room. "You promised Bobby!" I cried out seeing the damage I had done to the room. "How am I meant to cope? Who am I going to turn to now? You're gone and I... I can't keep them together! I can barely keep them in the same place! You were always the glue! You! Now... now how am I meant to do it? How am I meant to go on without you there? I need you Bobby! I need you here..." I cried pulling my knee's up to my chest and sobbing into my folded arms. With every person who dies, its getting harder and harder to pick myself up and go on. You were always there for me, always. So why leave me now? I can't do this without you man. I need you here... please... help me.
I closed my eyes tightly and buried my head into my arms. I cried silently as I shook, I don't think I ever felt so alone. Bobby was a second dad to me, he gave me the strength to keep fighting when we thought it was all worthless. He'd told me in the past I was the strong one, I kept the family together, but honestly it was him. I wasn't sure how to help either Winchester now he was gone, or myself. Help me I thought as I felt myself falling deeper into the rabbits hole.
A touch.
Something touched my arm and I looked around. The place was empty, a mess and empty. I double checked but I was alone. "Hello?" I called out softly as I looked. There was no response. I waited a couple more seconds before putting it down to grief. I rested my head on my arms and closed my eyes again. As I closed my eyes I sensed something, someone.
"Bobby?"
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