7. Anyone You Think Of

"Robert, you can't keep hounding me about why I did it... I was feeling how you feel right now - that's how I managed to end up with him. I really thought that you had-"

"Even if I had - Was that enough to throw yourself at the first man that came along?"

"You needn't make me sound so heartless-!"

"Well that's how it feels from over here."

She waited all day. She stared out of the window, waiting to see him come back but he didn't.

"The dressing gong has rung, milady."

"Has it? I mustn't have noticed," Cora said, getting up to follow O'Brien up to her bedroom. She allowed herself to be dressed, making little effort at conversation with her maid while her thoughts pondered where Robert could have gone.

"There we are, milady," O'Brien said, securing Cora's hair with the last pin.

"Thank you, O'Brien... Has his lordship returned yet?"

"I believe he has, milady. Mr Branson said they got back not long after the dressing gong... Will that be all, milady?"

"Yes, thank you."

O'Brien left the room and Cora made straight for the dressing room, she knocked and didn't await a reply before going in. The room was empty. Cora looked elsewhere for Robert before dinner but only found him once she was seated, with him sitting opposite herself at the dinner table, leaving no chance for an intervention. She made no attempt at conversation with him over the meal, his hostility recognisable by everyone at the table.

"What's wrong with papa this evening?" Edith asked once they'd left them men in the dining room.

"I'm not sure," Cora answered absent-mindedly, barely realising the question.

"Sybil? Are you alright?" Edith asked again, ever inquisitive.

"Mm, what? I'm fine..." she said, distractedly fidgeting with the her necklace.

"I expect everyone will be feeling unsettled with all the recent changes," Violet said, clutching her cane while perching beside Cora. "What about some cards?"

"Alright, I'll play."

"Of course you will Edith," Mary said bluntly. Lavinia shuffled uncomfortably next to Sybil, not doing well amongst the family conflict.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Edith asked.

"Quiet both of you, I can't do with your bickering tonight," Cora told them off quite unexpectedly. The room fell quiet. The silence was quickly broken, however, when Robert and Matthew (wheeling himself) came in. Cora stood immediately, Robert looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm here."

This startled everyone. All eyes went to the doorway as Branson came in.

"So you are," Robert replied in confusion, border-line anger.

"You've asked me to come," he was staring at Sybil. "And I've come."

"I don't think... Not in front of Granny, Tom-"

"Tom? Whoever is Tom?" Violet asked in confusion.

"They all have the right to know," Branson answered.

"For Goodness sake! Sybil - what is he doing in here?" Robert exploded, startling Sybil somewhat as she got up and took Tom's hand. Cora's full attention turned away from her husband and settled on her youngest daughter.

"Of all the nights this could have happened, it had to be tonight!"

"Papa, we didn't mean to fall in love-"

"That is not love! Do not speak of love. You are about to give up your family, your home, your allowance - for a chauffeur. An Irish revolutionary at that!"

"He is not a revolutionary," Sybil argued. "He's political... like me."

"I don't care what he is!"

"What do you say, mama? You're awfully quiet," Mary commented.

Robert, Cora, Mary, Edith and Sybil were in the drawing room discussing Sybil's future with Branson while the Dowager had left for home when the conversation showed no sign of improvement. Lavinia and Matthew had retired to bed for the evening and Branson had been banished to his garage as quickly as he had admitted himself to the drawing room.

"I think that if Sybil has really considered every option-"

"She shouldn't throw it all away!" There was no calming Robert down, every word he uttered was a thundering shout.

"Why don't we all sleep on it?" Cora suggested. "We can talk with clear heads in the morning."

"Good idea," Sybil decided, ready to take her leave.

"Don't think I'll have softened by the morning," Robert growled after them as all three of his daughters gave him a mixture of displeased looks upon leaving the drawing room. "I won't let you do it, Sybil."

"Robert, really..."

"And you're a fine one talk," he breathed, his voice finally weary of all the physical strain as he turned to Cora. "It's not enough to publically kiss a man half your age, you've got undermine me in front of our children aswell."

"Robert, that's not exactly how-"

"That is exactly how it is."

"You're a hypocrite," she said calmly. Her own grief over Robert's mistake shielding her from finding guilt in her own.

"How dare you talk to me like that-!"

"I will talk to you how I deserve to talk to you!" Cora shouted, audibly enough for the rest of the house to hear. "I am merely acting by example. You go off with a maid of all people while I-"

"You will not talk to me like that in my house!"

His whisky glass smashed in the fireplace, the flames rearing with the lick of alcohol. Mary immediately came storming back in.

"Mama, are you alright?" she asked with no regard for Robert.

"Just fine, I'll be coming up soon," Cora replied as calmly as she could manage.

"Despite whatever is going on," Mary said to Robert's back. "You have to stop your arguing... both of you do. It doesn't just affect you, it affects all of us."

The door slammed and she was gone. Cora shuffled uncomfortably in her seat while Robert went and poured himself a fresh drink, giving her an unamused side-glance.

"Don't look at me like that..."

"How should I be looking at you? How does one look at their wife after discovering her unfaithfulness?"

"Well Robert," she paused, levelling her gaze with his. "Now you know how it feels."

"I never did anything with her!" he exploded.

"And what about-?"

"It meant nothing!"

"So the words and the kisses were nothing, were they? Words and affection..." she said, looking away from him as her anger faded to sadness. "Were what told me you loved me... at least in the beginning when we were younger."

"I didn't mean what I said to her," he said genuinely.

"You're not a man who says what he doesn't mean."

"I felt neglected."

"I realise that. But did you think what I was neglecting you for? Why Robert, it was exactly what you needed me here for in the first place - everything I did during that God-awful war was for our family and for Downton - as well as for those wounded men. I am not perfect, try as I might I cannot provide for everyone's needs."

"But you didn't try for me."

"Robert! Of course I tried. Don't try to make me feel guilty."

"I know all you did was level the playing field but still I'd find it concerning if you didn't feel a bit guilty. I know I do..." he sipped from his drink, his eyes diverting from her for a moment but when he looked back, her guilt was fresh on her face. Robert put down his glass.

"There's something you're not telling me," he said immediately.

"I assumed that when you said... I thought that you'd been together and so-"

"YOU BEDDED HIM!?"

"I did."

"With him?" he asked in defeat. He didn't want an answer and so for the first time in their marriage he verbally disrespected her. "You bitch."

Her head shot up in surprise, it made Robert instantly regret it but he couldn't forgive her yet.

"Why him?" he demanded. "Why?"

"I suspect, like your maid, it was just because he was there," she said, partly over-coming her shock.

"But I was there too... wasn't I?"

"After what I heard you say to her, it didn't matter where you were."

"I need to hit something... preferably his head."

"Perhaps I should leave if you're feeling violent?" Cora suggested, getting up from the sofa.

"Don't move. We are having this out now..." he breathed deeply and a long silence followed before he spoke again. "You know it's actually pretty much accepted for men to have affairs while their wives stay loyal."

"I may have been able to accept that if our situation was different."

"And what is our situation?"

"I think... if we can't forgive each other now, we're in trouble, Robert."

"You need to forgive me? How is that? I didn't do-"

"For once look at things from my perspective. I thought you were having an affair with... Jane but you weren't... quite. You thought I'd not been to bed with him... but I had. What we both know has just reversed. I will say I am sorry for what I've done but it's not entirely my fault Robert, at least accept you partly pushed me to go there."

"Well you 'partly pushed me' to nearly have an affair with the maid!"

"I've already told you what I was neglecting you for!"

"Yes but you still ignored me."

"I did not ignore you...!" she said angrily. "We just slept together less often..."

"I can't do this with you anymore!"

"Well tell me what you want to do then, Robert. You're not the only one who can't stand the way things are between us. What do you want to do?" she sighed when he gave no answer and so put it to him simply. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"I don't know."

"Do you... Do you want a divorce?"

"By God, no!" Robert said loudly, quickly aware of his volume he quieted.

"I know love wasn't part of the deal when we married... But I don't think I can keep being your wife if we don't love each other now."

"I never thought I'd ever hear you say that," he said when he realised he had no other response. He drained the rest of his glass and set it aside, taking a seat opposite her on the sofa.

"I never thought I'd say it..."

"I'm afraid we're going to have to spell things out very clearly for the rest of this talk..." he said carefully. "So we both know clearly where we stand."

"Alright," she agreed.

"I know we've hit a tricky time. I know neither of us is solely to blame... we're as much at fault as each other... Thing is I felt so useless during the war years. I've felt so useless for so long... I had to be needed by someone and that was how..." he paused for a moment while Cora gazed at him, perplexed by his words. "I envied you your sense of purpose for so long. It hurt more when I became second to your work. It sounds pathetic even as I say it..."

"It's not pathetic."

"My point is I could never have had a proper affair. I just couldn't. All those thing I said... They weren't for her, they were for you. It was just what I wanted to say to you... But you have to believe me when I say she doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I loose her. It matters if I loose you, Cora. But what I don't understand," he said, the anger inside him growing up again like a flame with new fuel. "Is how you could have an affair."

"Robert, you can't keep hounding me about why I did it... I was feeling how you feel right now - that's how I managed to end up with him. I really thought that you had-"

"Even if I had - Was that enough to throw yourself at the first man that came along?"

"You needn't make me sound so heartless-!"

"Well that's how it feels from over here."

"Well... if that is how you feel..." she swallowed her tears, hiccuping slightly as she fought them back. "I think I'll say goodnight now."

He didn't object, only watched her leave as she got to her feet and made her way out of the room.

Robert granulated slowly. First tears, second losing balance, third collapsing to his knees, fourth reducing to sobs, fifth wondering where it all went so terribly wrong.

If only he had known how it would hurt. His mind whirled, questioning everything between Cora and Napier, needing to know every detail, not wanting to know at the same time. Everything felt, to him, as though it had all been a pathway of messes, each ruin the subject of another.

The war had given Cora her place, he had envied her that. In his loss for a place in the war, he accepted that he'd felt hard done by and ignored. So he'd found an importance in someone else's life, someone who mattered nothing to him but to whom he mattered a great deal. He'd sought excitement with Jane and found it partly. But the war had finished now. Things couldn't be the same and yet they had to return to normal again at the same time. Cora had found out, she'd accepted the interest's of another man. Was it all just his fault? That part he couldn't accept yet. He wasn't a man who learned from his mistakes, he'd been brought up not to make them and brush over his faults wherever possible. Maybe that part was his parent's fault... Really it didn't matter who held the blame. It didn't take the anger away.

"Are you sure you're quite well, milady? You look very pale."

"I'm fine, O'Brien... Everything will look better in the morning," she assured herself more than her maid.

"If you're sure, milady."

"I'm sure..." Cora got up to make for the bed but an attack of dizziness hit her.

"I really think I should call the doctor, milady."

"Nonsense, I'm perfectly fine," Cora got up on second attempt and made it to the bed. "Maybe a glass of water would help."

"Of course milady, I'll be straight back," O'Brien hurried from the room. Cora climbed between the sheets and tried to relax but the bed felt too hot. The extreme fatigue built up and made her ache with tiredness. O'Brien burst back in in a matter of minutes.

"Milady, the doctor's coming at once. Miss Swire's taken ill and so have some of the other downstairs staff - including Mr Carson."

"I'm not ill, O'Brien, just tired. Let the doctor see to the rest of them first..."

"Milady I don't wish to alarm you but... you look... well you don't look well, milady."

"Just tied, O'Brien," Cora yawned. "Just tired..."

"Robert make your mind up. You cannot keep throwing accusations at me and insulting me and yet still expect me to stand around and dote on you all day and continue happily as your wife. I will quickly agree I shouldn't have done what I did but neither should you. If you can't forgive me - and yourself - then I'm very much doubtful we'll manage to be alright again..." she breathed deeply before continuing, cutting him off. "But I will, above anything else, be upset that this is what managed to break us... We've had thirty years together, three beautiful daughters, seen through two wars and on more than one occasion we've almost lost each other. If you have learned anything from those experiences I expect you might know whether you can live without me or not."