Christmas dinner with Hieronymous was weird, although I'm not sure if it was weird because it actually was weird, or if it was weird because it wasn't. Hieronymous and I actually carried on a conversation like two normal human beings. For once, I got him to drop his scholarly tone and actually talk to me like a person, and although he mostly kept the conversation focused on me and my interests and hobbies, I didn't mind. A couple of times, other members of staff came down to eat and they looked at us strangely, but Hieronymous didn't even glance in their direction. At first I thought they were looking because I was a student in the teacher's staff room, but I quickly realized that Hieronymous probably ate in here alone, and to see him not only sitting, but conversing pleasantly with anyone, was a shock.

The rest of break actually passed quite nicely and without any more incidents. I actually went up to Hieronymous' room every day to read, and although that was all we did, it was nice. Once I even fell asleep on his bed reading, and he had insisted that I stay the night while he slept at his desk, his head on his arms. I felt bad about it, but he was so insistent that I stay that I couldn't refuse him. He had stopped reading the book I had gotten him for a Secret Santa present, and was instead reading anther another academic book in another language. We had no more private dinners, there were no more gifts or jewelry, there was no more hugging or even touching, but it still felt nice to just be around him. I couldn't be sure if I had feelings for him, or if he had feelings for me, or if we were just two lonely people taking solace in each other, but whatever the case, I couldn't shake the feeling that as long as I was near him, I was happy. And that was enough for me.

On the last Saturday before everyone came back to school, I woke up at 5 AM and headed into the mail room to do my usual treasurer duties. Professor Grabiner was not there yet, although I hadn't really expected him to be. He had been coughing and sneezing all day yesterday, and I was suspecting that although it didn't look like he really ever left his room, that he was starting to come down with some sort of a cold. I was a bit curious why he didn't just ask one of the teachers who was more skilled in green magic, like Professor Potsdam, to just fix him right up, but I suppose he was too proud for that. This was still Grabby after all, and although he seemed to have a soft spot for me, I doubt he would let anyone else get as close to him as I had been all week. Did that make me special? In some ways yes, in some ways no, but I was special to him, and this seemed to matter an awful lot to me, for reasons I wasn't sure I was ready to admit to myself just yet.

But as I sorted through the boxes, I had no idea that I was about to prove myself very, very wrong. I had been sorting the mail by hall, Horse Hall, Butterfly Hall, etc. when I came across a package that didn't have a hall name on it. Curiously, I glanced up at the name to see who it belonged to and dropped it back on the table in shock.

Mrs. Grabiner

My eyes widened, and a little laugh escaped me. Mrs. Grabiner? No, that wasn't possible. That was a joke, right? A really not-funny joke? He had told me his whole sob story about how he had lost his girlfriend twelve years ago, but he had never mentioned a wife. I had asked him if he could open up to someone else again and he had said…he had said perhaps. No mention of a wife there. Was he really married? Or maybe, were they divorced? Did she leave him? Or did-?

I can feel a burning sensation in the back of my head, and it's ridiculously strong. This time, I don't even try to fight it. Mrs. Grabiner. I embrace the words, let them flow through me, around me, and for some reason I think I can hear him saying her name, but there's so much static and I can't piece through any of it. Have I met her? Who was she? I try to picture her face, but I can't. For some reason, there's nothing there. I focus as hard as I can, trying to make myself see her. Who is she? I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a large black room with nothing on either side of me. Occasionally, whispers and lights and colors will rush past me, like leaves in a gust of wind, but they're moving too fast for me to catch hold of.

Let me see. I rush after them, running as fast as I can, letting lights burst up in front of my vision. I see something rush above my head and I jump to try to catch it, feeling myself lift easily off the ground. I'm almost weightless now, like I'm floating in space, but I don't even realize it. I forget about where I am. I forget about the stone around my neck. I forget about the advice Hieronymous gave me, not to dwell on it. I don't care about any of that now. I want to know what is happening to me. I want answers, and I don't care what happens to me. I don't. I don't care. I just want to know.

As if in answer, I can finally see things. Well, flashes of things, at any rate. The lights stop zooming by so fast, and the words become easier to catch, and even though I am still only catching snippets of things, they are more than I ever got before. I hear words. A woman talking. Kindness and corn. What? What does that have to do with anything? I can see something big and…blue? Green? It's hurting me…I think I can feel hands clenched tightly around my throat, but it feels faint, like a dream that happened a long time ago, and for some reason I think I'm in a dungeon. Was this a test? I swirl around it for a while, but it feels like I'm trying to open doors that are locked. I had encountered a…what was it?…a Manus in a test once, but it was just an illusion. Why was this one hurting me? Was this real, or was this a nightmare I had had after the test? I can't remember…

…but I want to. Mrs. Grabiner. Show me Mrs. Grabiner. Suddenly I feel a strong pull, stronger than any sensation I had ever felt before. I briefly consider trying to get out of it, but I don't want to. It feels like I am floating in a river being pushed downstream, and I don't try to fight against the current. This is it, I can feel it. This is the answer to all of my questions. Whatever is at the end of the nonexistent river, on the other side of this invisible door somewhere in front of me, is the answer. If I can just get it open…

I push with all of my strength in front of the swirling mass of colors that have gathered in front of me, willing myself to see it with all of my might. Let me see. Let me see it. I am shouting in my own head. At first I think I see a glimpse of something, but it's too fuzzy to be sure. And then I think I have something, not a vision, but a feeling, a sense of understanding when I can feel someone reaching for me, trying to pull me out. It feels like I am deep underwater and someone reached their hand in and grabbed me around the neck, pulling me up towards the surface. No, I am so close, closer than I have ever been before to figuring out what the hell is going on with me. But whatever is pulling me up is strong, and I can't fight it no matter how much I want to.

NO. I shriek with every fiber of my being, trying to go back down. I try to cling to it, cling to whatever space this is, but the colors are slipping away from me now and the whispers are dying down around me and when I blink next, I don't see anything. All the color has faded from my vision and I'm surrounded by blackness.

I try to blink, I try to open my eyes, but I don't see anything but black in front of me. I'm about to try to cry out when I feel a severe pain cutting into my body, as if knives were pressing into me from all sides. I start to scream, but my voice chokes at first, as if I'm not expecting it. But then it's there, loud and piercing, even to my own ears. It's making my ears hurt, and suddenly I'm not sure if the screaming is coming from inside of me or outside of me or around me, but every molecule on my skin is burning like it's on fire and I can't help but scream. I scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can, before I feel something slip away from me and everything stops. The burning is gone. The screaming is gone. Everything stops. Everything is quiet.

Am I dead?

I don't know how long it is until I eventually blink and open my eyes. The first thing that enters my mind is that I'm not in the mail room anymore as I sit up and take stock of myself. I'm still here, in one piece, and it takes me a second to gather that I'm in Hieronymous' room, lying on his bed, sneakers and all. I sit up slowly, my eyes darting around me. For some reason, I don't feel safe. I feel like the character in the first five minutes of a horror movie, scared, uneasy, and pretty sure danger is going to lash out at me from an unexpected source at any second. My eyes eventually settle on Hieronymous. He is sitting at his desk, not reading, just staring at the wall, sitting with his fingers in front of his mouth, looking concerned. For some reason, I expect to feel relieved to see him. I search myself, but it's not there, and it takes me a minute until I remember why.

I shift on the bed, my muscles protesting as I pull myself into a better seated position. Hieronymous immediately catches sight of me and stands up.

"You're awake."

I swallow hard, not sure if I want to look at him or not. "What happened to me?" I ask slowly. "Something happened."

"I told you not to focus on it," he says softly. I try to meet his eyes, but he looks down and away. He looks almost embarrassed, like someone who got caught and that's when I realize that he knows I know.

"Your wife," I exclaim. I hop out of bed, and use my left hand to steady myself. The room sways a little bit, but I try to make that as unobvious as possible. "You have a wife?"

He closes his eyes for a moment, and for some reason I can't tell if he looks relieved or disappointed. Maybe both, but that particular mixture of emotions makes no sense to me, especially not right now. "What happened in your…vision?" he asks. "Did you happen to see anything?"

"No," I yell at him suddenly. "No, I didn't, because right when I thought I was about to, someone pulled me out."

"I told you not to focus on it," he yells back, but I'm not afraid of him, not right now. I'm too angry to be afraid. "I told you when this starts to happen to grab the stone, to focus, and to come and see me as soon as possible."

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?" I ask, a tinge of hysteria rising in my voice. "I feel like, I feel like something's wrong with me and I don't know what's going on and I don't know who to talk to about it-"

"You shouldn't talk to anyone about this," he says, his voice a bit calmer now.

"No, but you want me to talk to you about it," I say, and suddenly I put two and two together. The secret private tutoring sessions with him that didn't seem to have anything to do with magic, why he was being so nice to me when he seemed to hate everyone around him, and what he had said to me earlier this week were the three biggest clues of all. He said he had been doing an experiment that went out of control and a student got hurt. There were consequences, but he wouldn't tell me who the student was or what the consequences were…

I gasp, and cover my mouth with both hands.

"Tori-" He takes a step towards me, and I take a step back. He looks frightened now, as if he's afraid that I've uncovered the truth. And I have.

"What did you do to me?" I yell at him.

He shakes his head rapidly and blinks, as if he's not sure he heard me correctly. "What?"

"You were messing around with advanced magic last year and a student got hurt," I say. "You told me so yourself. Am I some sort of experiment? Did you…did you do something to me?"

"No," he says firmly, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He doesn't look so sure.

I run my hands through my hair as I look around desperately. Whatever he's hiding, he's not going to tell me. I make a noise in the back of my throat. I don't even know what to say. "You have a wife?"

"Tori-"

"No, just tell me, do you have a wife?" I ask, but he just turns away. I need him to answer this question. I need to know if he can answer one simple fucking question truthfully. "Professor Grabiner. Hieronymous. Tell me, are you married?"

He lets out a long sigh and rubs his forehead with one hand. "Yes." The word drips out of him reluctantly.

"So you do," I blink at him. "You do have a wife." I laugh to myself, running my hands through my hair again. I'm an idiot. "And after that stupid sob story you fed me about Violet-"

"Everything I told you is true," he snaps, turning back to me.

"But you conveniently left out the part that you were married," I suck in a deep breath. "After…after all the time we spent together, and the, the gift you gave me, and the…the…" It doesn't matter now. I turn to him. "Do you love her?"

"I- that's-" He blinks and seems to stumble over what he wants to say. "That is none of your concern."

"Right," I say, although my anger is quickly dissipating. I feel like I'm about to cry, and I try to keep myself talking, trying to bring the anger back. "None of my business. Of course not." I clench and unclench my fists. "I guess you're right. You are right. I'm an idiot. I am a stupid girl. Maybe this is why Jason warned me to stay away from you. Because you…you…you lure people in and- and- and-" I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Is that even what happened? I can't think straight right now.

"You know that's not what happened," he snaps.

"You're a teacher," I yell suddenly. "I'm a student. You took advantage of me. You made me trust you."

"That is not what happened," he yells back. "Things are more complicated than you can understand right now." He sucks in a breath, and when he speaks again, his voice is much gentler. "Tori, please don't say anything now that you'll regret later."

"Regret?" I ask. "What is there to regret? I thought there was a-a connection between us. I thought-"

But no. What did I think though? Really? That he really liked me that way? He was my teacher. He would never date his students. No, that was me. I was the one who pushed myself on him. I must have. Heck, I even had that dream about him. It would be easier to blame him, to hate him, and part of me does, but honestly? I need to face the reality that this is all my fault…

…or was I just saying that because it was easier to accept? Things were too complicated right now. I needed time to think. And space. I needed to be alone to sort things out on my own.

"I have to go."

"Tori-" He takes a step towards me and he cares, he cares, I can see it in his eyes, and for some reason, that just makes everything worse.

"I don't think I want to see you anymore," I say quietly, and I walk out of the room as quickly as possible without looking back.