As weird as it seemed, things seemed to return to normal after that. I felt constantly burdened by a strange, nagging sensation that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I just constantly felt subdued, like I was too tired to think much more about it. I decided to go to class on Wednesday after all, although it was green magic with Professor Potsdam. She told me before class that she was glad to see me up and about, but that I didn't have to stay if I still felt ill. I just told her that if I had been lying in a bed for three days, I probably should get up and stretch my legs, and she didn't seem compelled to argue with that.
I didn't see Professor Grabiner. I didn't go to his classes. I suppose I should have, but we were now in the beginning of February, and with only a few months to go, I figured my blue magic would be more than sufficient to get me through final exams. I also stopped going to red magic classes. Not for any reason in particular, but after Jason had been the one to put me in detention, I just felt like I didn't really want to be around him. So instead I focused on my weakest subject: black magic, the manipulation of physical objects. As simple as it sounded, there was a basic sort of science to it that I didn't really understand, and so figured I should probably improve it before the next exam.
I had also started to spend a lot more time with Tommy, going to the mall together pretty much every Saturday. We'd hold hands and go to the food court and the arcade together, but it just never felt right. It always felt wrong, like I was supposed to be experiencing these feelings with someone else. Spending time with Tommy was a distraction, but it wasn't what I really wanted. I didn't know how to tell him that, though, until one Friday evening when we were walking through the trails together. It was a bit warmer that day, and most of the snow had melted away, leaving scattered melting puddles every few feet.
"Tori," he said suddenly, interrupting our current flow of conversation. I wasn't really sure what we were talking about; I hadn't really ben paying attention. Wasn't it red magic? For some reason, ever since I had hit my head, I had the worst time focusing. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to be concentrating on something else, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. "Can we talk?"
"Haven't we been?" I tease, but quickly stop when a serious expression crosses his face. "What's wrong?"
He pulls me into a glade of trees that was hard to spot off the trail. He hesitates for a moment as he looks me up and down. Finally, his eyes settle on my face. "I really like you, Tori."
"I…" I hesitate. This is getting more and more complicated. I don't want to lose Tommy's friendship. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time, I can't keep going on like this. I don't like him that way. I tried, I really, really did, but my feelings for Professor Grabiner aside, I just wasn't in any state to be in any sort of relationship right now. I decide that honesty is the best approach here. "I like you too. You've been a really good friend to me, and I can't thank you enough for that."
"Yeah, but, friends?" he asks. "We hold hands, we go to dinner together every night, we go to the arcade together every weekend…" He lets his voice trail off. "Don't you think that means we're something more?"
"I don't know." I try to pull my hand out of his, but he's holding it firmly.
"I really like you, Tori," he says again. "I think we should be together."
"Tommy," I say nervously. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. I just, I don't feel like I can really be with anyone right now. It wouldn't be fair to you if I'm not in it a hundred percent."
"Then why did you tell everyone I gave you that necklace?" he asks.
"I-" I hesitate. I don't have a good answer for that. "I didn't tell them that. They assumed that."
"And you didn't correct them," he observes. "So who did give it to you then?"
"Professor Potsdam," I say quickly. I don't know why I hadn't thought of this excuse before, but it comes readily to me now. "As a Christmas gift. She stripped it of all its magical properties though, so no heartbeat. She said it reminded her of my hair and thought I could use some cheering up. It's just a pretty necklace, that's all. Nothing more."
"And you didn't tell them this because-?"
"Because it wasn't important," I shrug uncomfortably. "But Tommy-"
He had been steadily moving closer towards me, but I didn't realize just how close he was until I could suddenly feel his hand behind my neck. I strain against it. "We can be good together," he says. "Just give it a chance. Just try it, okay? For me?"
"I-"
"Kiss me." He reaches his lips up towards mine and the hand on my neck holds me in place.
"No, no, I don't want to." I struggle against him, but he's not listening and his grip is surprisingly strong. I can feel his hot breath in my face and it nauseates me. I feel like I'm about to be sick. I'm pushing against him with my arms but he's not budging, and a new kind of fear grips me, a sense of being totally and completely helpless. I can't get away from him, I can't-
I put both my hands flat on his chest and use push magic, concentrating as hard as I can. He falls backwards, falling on his hands in a puddle of melting snow. "What the hell was that?"
"I pushed you," I say, raking in deep, frantic breaths. For some reason, my voice sounds stronger than I feel right now. "I told you to stop."
"You can't use magic on me," he yells.
"It wasn't magic," I insist. I don't need to be in trouble for that again.
"You couldn't have pushed me away without magic," he yells as he scrambles to his feet. "I'm stronger than you."
"You wanna bet?" I yell, getting ready to defend myself.
"You wanna find out?" His lips pulled back into a snarl. "Do you know what I could do to you? Because I don't think you have any idea-"
"Now, now, what's going on here?" Professor Potsdam suddenly emerges into the clearing, and my heart floods with relief, but only for a moment.
"She used magic on me," he yells. "She shoved me to the ground."
"No, Professor," I say quickly. "He was trying to kiss me. I told him to stop but he wouldn't listen and I just, he wouldn't listen to me and I-I-" My voice is shaking. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this.
"Shush now," she says comfortingly. "As it so happens, I happened to be walking by when I heard you both. I took a quick peek, just to make sure no one was in any trouble, and I was the one who used push magic on you, Mr. Howell."
I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I breathe a sigh of relief regardless. "Ms. Brown, I believe it's getting late and you have treasury duties in the morning. Shouldn't you be getting off to bed?"
"Yes, Professor, thank you, Professor," I murmur, heading out of the trails.
"As for you, Mr. Howell, I would like to see you in my office."
I can hear him arguing with her as I step back out onto the trails. I pull my hair out of my face, still trying to get myself under control. That was scary. I can still feel my heart thumping in my chest, and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don't even know how to explain it, but it feels like my intestines were twisted into knots. I feel cold all over, and a bit lightheaded, as if I'm running a fever. It's all I can do to hold myself together as I make my way back towards my dorm.
When I get back to the room, Virginia and Ellen are still up. I burst through the door, my breath still heavy in my chest. "Are you okay?" Virginia asks. I feel like that's all they've been asking me lately.
"Tommy tried to kiss me." It comes out like a whimper.
"And?" Virginia asks. "Wait, I mean, I thought you guys, like-"
I walk over to my bed and pull my knees to my chest, kicking my sneakers off. "No. We didn't. And I didn't want to. I was trying to push him off of me-" They wait patiently for me to continue. "But he was stronger than me, and I- Professor Potsdam – she came in and used magic to get him off of me. She told me to come back here."
"Professor Potsdam?" Ellen asks. "Why was she there?"
"I don't know," I shrug. "I was telling him to stop, that I didn't want to but he wasn't listening and I guess she heard." I feel sick to my stomach. They don't say anything as I roll over to face the wall.
"Are you going to be okay?" someone asks, but I can't tell who.
"I guess, yeah," I reply lamely. "I guess I'm just…freaked, is all."
I close my eyes and pull out the stone, hugging it so tightly I'm afraid I'll shatter it in my fist. Protect me. And just like that, I feel his heartbeat, slow and sure. He's probably sleeping, I think, and force myself to smile in spite of myself. I imagine if he had been the one to find me out there. He probably wouldn't have just pushed Tommy away, he would have blown him over the school fence, maybe blasted him into another dimension.
But what if he wouldn't have? A voice creeps into my head. What if he wouldn't have cared? I groan and punch my pillow with my fist. His heartbeat is gone now; I lost the connection.
"Ellen, can you help me out with a sleep spell? Please?"
"Of course," she says softly, and within a few minutes, I fall into an uneasy sleep.