Chapter 4

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." - C.S. Lewis 'A Grief Observed'

Janet looked at the man her friend had become. Childish and bitter were the words that seemed to float to her mind. She had followed the team to the door and closed it behind them. Crossing her arms she simply stared at the man who used to be Daniel Jackson. She looked at the expression on his face searching for hope of finding her friend and as she looked she found nothing there. The Daniel she knew would not have pulled such dirty looks at the people he called friends. Well maybe except for Jack and only then when he had pushed that bit too far and often was softened by the bond of the oddball friendship the two of them had.

Now there was nothing there. She watched as Daniel simply stared out of the window. There wasn't even a spark of joy or even inquisitiveness in his features. Janet knew that Daniel wouldn't be happy with the news she had to tell him. The reasons why she had permission to be here and why Jack and the others were not far behind. Things were not going well and Janet was seeing more casualties by the day. A new Goa'uld was on the rise and SG teams were getting either severely injured or killed. She had permission to get to work on Daniel for the next month and Jack the rest of the team were about to be given their orders from here. Daniel was needed back and they were there to get him back. Daniel looked so dead inside.

They had all felt responsible for Shau'ri as she had been an extension of Daniel for so long. They considered her a missing sister even though they never knew her. It was a depression that he had sunk into of that she was certain. Not just from this meeting but from other contacts and reports from people who had spoken with him over the year. He was family their eyes. They'd surreptitiously kept an eye on him from time to time. Airmen were sent on leave to check that he was okay and that no one was after him. Daniel attracted trouble and he knew too much about the programme to just be left alone. So here they were in a sterile ward checking up on him – again.

Janet recognized by his attitude that he may need to be placed on anti-depressants and by the looks of him possibly needed to go on a bulking up sessions with Jack and Teal'c. What was most obvious was that he needed to grieve. Of all the things in his demeanor she could tell that he had not fully grieved for Shau'ris loss. He looked so pale and gaunt in appearance that you could actually see some of his bones sticking through his skin at the ribs. It was as if he was only existing and nothing more.

"Daniel, we need to take some bloods and an MRI. I want to check the changes in you over the past year."

"What does that matter Janet? I mean really? I can understand you want to ensure that I'm alive. You've done that - BRAVO! Seriously though it didn't require a whole SG team to ensure that I hadn't died from a bump on the head"

"DANIEL JACKSON!"

"Yes?"

"What happened to you over this past year? It's like the man I knew has turned into a spoiled child. Is this what you are now? Someone that stamps their foot all because they haven't had your own way?" Janet set her hands on her hips and stared at Daniel like he was a bratty school child. "So don't sit there and tell me how you think it is because believe me Mr you are not the only one who has suffered a loss in the past year." Daniel's eyes flashed in rage but Janet put her finger up. "Ah ah ah! Enough! I've said my piece now we have tests to do and I don't care what you say Mr. we are going to get them done. Now I know you have issues with the team but your bratty tantrum with them can wait until I have finished with you! Don't make me ask for bigger needles. I know all too well how to use them effectively." She stuck her head out the door and asked Jack to get a nurse.

Daniel took one look at that determined face as it turned back to face him and uttered something he never thought he would say "Napoleonic power-monger!" He then rolled back onto his side and closed his eyes as if that would make Janet disappear.

The worst thing about sitting in a hospital is the time spent waiting. Time is ultimately the enemy when injury occurs. For injuries carried out in the field Jack was aware that it could be the difference between life and death. In Daniels case Jack was clearly aware it was just a bump on the head. After retrieving the nurse there was little else that he or the team could do but wait. It was evident that the man in that room was a reflection of the man Daniel had met when they first opened the stargate. What was actually more shocking was that the texts and phone calls revealed only a portion of the bitterness that Daniel had towards his team members. He'd thought Daniel would get over it. He'd thought this would be an easy job but as he surveyed the reactions of Sam and Teal'c there was no doubt that they had seen it too. Theirs was the task of hauling back the man inside that they had known both figuratively and literally.

As a team SG-1 functioned on communicating so to hear silence was deafening. They sat on hard plastic chairs just outside of the ward in the corridor. White paint and stone floors with just the occasional painting that looked too cheerful to be in place in the area it was set. No chairs were set in the corridor in any English hospital to allow free movement of beds and staff. That was something Jack had noted when he walked in. Relatives room couldn't be used as a family were currently occupying it – possibly waiting as well whether for life or death they would not know.

Jack shifted in his seat hearing the fake leather cushions rap off like a large fart. Teal'c simply stared at him with his eyebrow raised and his face deadpan.

"What? I didn't fart!"

"Sir, please don't start with the jokes today – I don't think this is not the time or place for it" Sam's eyes were wide and disapproving.

"Honestly that was not a fart! My fart does not sound like that. It was far too girly sounding to be a fart of a colonel of the US Airforce. I'm a silent but deadly type of person. It comes with the job description of being an Air Force Colonel." Jack sighed loudly as he rolled his eyes. Then he stared again at Sam again and he saw a small twitch at the side of her mouth. Comic relief – that was part of his skill set as the team leader. The smirk lasted for about two seconds and then died just as quickly as it had risen. He saw the spark in Sam's eyes flash and die. He'd missed that spark. It was something that made Sam so indefinitely just 'Sam'. He looked over to Teal'c and saw the extreme stoicism back in place with not one flick or twitch of the face. It was the same look that he had when they had first met only more haunted less placid in its appearance.

Jack took a breath and sighed. He looked up at Teal'c who eyebrow lifted. It was the most it had quirked in the last three months. Laughter has many properties. Jack was aware if this in all his time as a leader what a sense of humour could do for a team. The most prominent in this situation was to bring pain into sharp relief. He wanted to say something, anything to reassure the two of them that they could get Daniel back but there were no words of consolation. He heard Sam sigh as well. This was going to be a long wait. He looked back to the clock on the wall and back to his watch as if that action could provide something to do. Nothing happened. The gears of the watch just kept turning. Yep! This was going to be a long wait.

Daniel walked steadily up to the door of his single room. The vampire of a nurse had taken his blood while Janet watched. Then they'd turned and left him on his own. Janet had had asked a British doctor to give him a prescription for painkillers but for some reason he hadn't been given the all clear to get out of the hospital. it was eerily deceptive and reeked of an intervention that only Janet would be capable of pulling. It hit him with the power of betrayal. it was as if someone had taken the last person whom he trusted outside of the team and taken them over to the dark side.

Daniel had taken a quick look up and down the corridor on which his ward was based. The hospital had been divided off into single rooms and communal wards. His floor was a combination of the two. Daniel looked up and down the corridor for a second time to see if he could see what was now SG-1. He could see no sign of Jack Sam or Teal'c. He walked back into his room shaking his head as he walked. He couldn't see them but it did not mean that they were still there. His heart seized with grief at the thought of Shau'ri's murderer only a few feet away from him and he wasn't able to do anything about it.

Daniel started to desperately scrabble about the room for his clothes. Panic and grief overriding his senses with great alacrity controlling his every action. He wasn't happy about this at all. Why send a full team for Daniel - in fact why send anyone at all for such a minor injury when Janet could confirm over the telephone?

"They're trying to bring me back! They want to drag me back to all that misery!" The words once spoken out loud only enforced the weight of the truth in his mind and panic became the overriding emotion. Daniel turned and looked in the mirror above the utility sink next to the door. He could see a man not of confidence but of fear and panic. It was etched plainly in his features as his hands began to shake. He stopped as he listened for the noises outside in the corridor. He could hear the noises that the staff made small soft footsteps and voices with British or Irish or Scottish accents but no sign of an American voice. 'Now" his thought ran rampant about his head. 'I have to move now or else they will drag me back'. He dove into the tall wooden bedside cupboard that stood like a sentinel next to his bed and reached in for his clothes.

He looked at the shirt that he had been wearing and saw that if was gashed with a small amount of blood. That was the thing about head wounds - bled like a devil but painful as sin. He winced as his wound reminded him of this. Even patched up he could feel pull of the stitches that had been so carefully put on his head. He felt his breath shorten and mind began to feel agitated. The thought of going back and the reasons for having him back began to run like a broken record around his head. The panic set in and his breathing became laboured. Daniel thought for a second that he was going to die. He ran over to the oxygen mask that had been sitting on the ward and turned on the nozzle next to his bed. Breathing deep slow breaths his breathing slowed as his mind received the one thing he was craving – air. It had felt like a heart attack coming on but these days panic attacks were nothing new. They just ruled the moments when he was awake and helped him to wake him up when he was asleep. As he regained some control, Daniel's mind began to focus on a plan. He pushed the button for the nurse. Crawling back into bed he called for the nurse. After about 15 minutes the nurse arrived in.

"Mr Jackson?" The male nurse had wandered into Daniel's room. He was about 25 years old with a buzz cut and blue scrubs on. His name badge identified him as 'Michael'. 'Great' Daniel thought. 'Guys are so much harder to flip than girls. This is going to be hard.'

"Do you have any scrubs or a clean top I could have. My top is covered in blood and I don't feel like sitting in the infamous gapless gown any longer than I have to. My lower regions are colder than Antarctica." He saw the male nurse wince at the mention of his crown jewels. "C'mon man. You know how bad these gowns are and I can't go anywhere until my doctor clears me. I just want to warm up." His nurse looked like he was thinking it over. Walking over he checked Daniel's chart. "Okay Mr Jackson, let me see what I can scrounge up for you. Haven't you got some visitors who can help you with this sort of thing?" Daniel's face darkened but he shook his head "Sorry no those people are not my friends. They are here on official business for the museum. I'm kinda cold here. Please?"

The nurse looked him over and nodded. "Hold on mate. Give me 20 minutes and I'll see if I can scrounge up some scrubs for you. Don't leave your bed until the lovely American doc clears you okay?" Daniel smiled gratefully. "Thanks Michael! I'll not move from here until you get back. Then I'll just pop into the restroom here and change."

"Sure mate see you in a few!" With a small nod Michael was out the door. With a smile Daniel grabbed his coat and wallet out of the side locker next to him. He was fine and he would continue to be fine until he got home. As he slipped out of the ward and down the staff exit away from prying eyes, Daniel knew that he could only get away for so long. Little did he realize then that the people around him whom he trusted now in England were the people that had been paid to watch him as well for much more dangerous intentions as other people wanted the archaeologist for their own purposes. As Daniel ran out of the hospital his well-paid shadow went with him.

A/N: Can I just apologise for the wait. I really had a hard time with this one as it just would flow. Between real life and everything else the muse did not want to cooperate. I will try not to leave it as long next time.