They both had excusably winter pale skin, though Sam had his suspicions that Nick never tanned. That he would always be the color of moonlight regardless of the time of year. Soft slope of muscle, hard curve of bone, all washed as white as the bed sheets, except for the crash of colors over his arms and shoulders, and then the less intentional but certainly no less interesting blueish bruises (suspiciously in the shape of Sam's long fingers) which had formed along the slant of his hips.
Sam kissed the back of Nick's neck again, listening to the deep, contented rumble that had been the only response that he'd been able to get out of the man since they'd made their way from the shower to the bed.
It was late, and really, Sam had lost any intention of leaving quite some time ago. Probably about the same time that Nick had gently cornered him in the bathroom and started helping him unbutton his jeans.
No. Sam would be staying here tonight. Maybe for most of tomorrow as well. He wasn't too worried about making any concrete plans as of this moment.
Nick shifted just a fraction where he was laying on his stomach, hugging his face into a pillow, only half covered in blankets. And for someone who was usually far too cold, he was still radiating heat, enough to make his neck flushed a soft pink, enough that he was still completely naked and didn't seem to mind the general chill of the apartment. It might have just been from them spending far too long in the shower. All that hot water sinking into his bones. Or maybe more to do with the radiant heat from Sam, where he was half lying over Nick's back.
He couldn't be sure, but knew that it wasn't important to him right then either way. He kissed the sharp curve of Nick's left shoulder blade, dragging his teeth just a little, tongue flicking out to savor the clean taste of his skin.
Nick only rumbled softly at him once more.
Pushing still damp hair from his eyes, Sam sat up on an elbow. He'd never in his life, not even once before meeting Nick, had looked at another man and felt a curl of lust. Not the way he did right now. It was those bruises. He'd marked this man in such a welcome and delightfully forceful way. Nick was his now. Sam got to keep him. That warm tightness in his chest was possessive.
He slid a hand over those bruises, following them through touch and memory as they rounded Nick's hip and Sam's fingers got lost from sight between mattress and flesh.
In a pleasantly involuntary way, Nick's hips bucked into Sam's hand, and the man chuckled thick and warm and slow. He turned his head, face coming up from his pillow as he surface for air just enough to let one clear blue eye blink at Sam.
"I'm flattered, darlin'. Really am. But I don't have another go in me t'night." It was the first real words spoken between them since Nick had tugged him off the couch. Oh, there had been things said in the shower, but they were just loose adverbs and stunning blasphemy and they didn't count.
Sam felt himself grin even as a blush ran over his cheeks. "I wasn't…" He took his hand from that nice little dip bellow Nick's hip, resting instead on the small of his back, which was only slightly less interesting to him. "I'm sorry about, um, if I got a little too rough."
"I think you mean 'you're welcome'." Nick gently corrected and little sliver of his face that was visible to Sam gave him the impression of a smile.
"That's not what I meant." Sam sighed.
"Darlin', I'm the one who pushed you down and sat in your lap. I was sort of in control of the roughness."
Sam felt his grin and blush both return at the memory. "How are you feeling?" His thumb was making small circles along Nick's spine, fitting over each bone in turn.
Nick eye closed and he did that soft rumbling noise again. "Like I just took a sequoia up the ass? But in a good way if that makes sense."
Sam let out a startled laugh, somehow surprised at how easy it was to just talk right now. Shouldn't this be weird? This man, who had sort of fallen into best friend territory a while back, had given him the full cowgirl about half an hour ago. There really should be some kind of shyness or awkwardness, right?
He lay back down, sharing Nick's pillow, laying close enough to kiss… just, you know… should the opportunity present itself.
"For how long, Nick?"
The man slitted that one eye open, eyebrow going up thoughtfully. "At least a few more hours. Maybe a quick one before breakfast if we're not too hungry when we wake up."
"No." Sam laughed. Where as he found it kind of amusing that he'd completely worn Nick out, that's not what he was asking. "I mean… how long have you wanted to…" he found himself grasping for the word that he wanted.
"How long have I wanted to get you inside me?" No shame at all. "I don't know. Probably since that week you stayed over when we were both sick. I'd just been updating Gabriel on our fake sex life and it came up and… it sounded a lot better than I thought it would."
Sam shouldn't still be blushing. They really were past this point by now.
"But I think I've had a thing for you since Thanksgiving." Nick threw out the confession so casually it took Sam a second to process. "I probably fell in love with you somewhere between then and that trip out to Pacifica last week. It's a bit harder to pinpoint. Jus' kinda snuck up on me."
And Sam simply didn't breathe for a bit, his chest starting to burn with the need. He didn't have a proper response to something like that. Even though he knew, he knew he needed one.
"Why didn't you say anything?" He finally got out, which wasn't an answer so much as panicked floundering.
"Why?" Nick laughed again, visible eye crinkling around the corner in what had to be a grin. "Oh my god. Don't get me started on why."
Sam just looked at him, pulling out his best kicked-puppy impersonation.
"Because- because I knew I wasn't good enough for you. Knew I didn't need you to tell me that much." The humor had just about left the corner of his face that he was willing to give Sam. So quickly souring.
"That's… stupid." Sam countered with an angry little shake of his head, a bit more forceful than he intended.
"It's not stupid." Nick sighed hard enough that it had to have hurt. "Have you ever even looked at yourself? You're fucking gorgeous, and smarter than hell. You're going to be a lawyer for Christ's sake."
"Isn't your brother a lawyer?" Sam had taken from Nick that Gabriel was nothing to be proud of as family members went- and he didn't want his chosen profession to count as a mark against himself.
Nick turned his face back to his pillow, vanishing again, words coming out muffled and soft. "You don't get it. You've got all this potential, and charm and… and just, you can still fucking be anything you want. And here I am, a dirty old man with nothing to show for myself except half a college degree that isn't worth shit, an exwife psycho bitch, a daughter that I'm not allowed to even think about talking to, and a family that knows I'm never going to be more than a fucking disappointment. So no. I didn't tell you, because a fucking mangy old dog has no right to tell the moon how beautiful it is."
Sam hated, hated, this sudden down sweep. Nothing could ever be easy between them, could it?
He reclaimed his job as a human blanket, sprawling over Nick so easily, kissing the back of his neck once more. "You are right about one thing I guess. I am pretty fucking gorgeous."
Nick's laugh was loud and sharp, it made his ribcage, and by proxy Sam, bounce.
"But that whole dog and moon thing? No. I can see where the analogy was going but it's not working for me- because you know what? Every night the dog that lives on the other side of my fence, all he does is howl to the moon. Screaming love, love, love to the sky with every breath." He kissed the tense muscles of Nick's shoulder. "And the moon… it comes back every night just to see that damn dog."
Nick was quiet for the space of two long breaths. Chest rising and falling in even, slow movements. "Just for that one dog?"
"Only for him." Sam promised softly, speaking with his lips against Nick's skin.
Nick turned his face, trying to look up at Sam, and the younger man shifted, leaning over to kiss him- and it probably wasn't what Nick had been looking for. He moved his lips slightly, sighing little lost words against Sam's mouth before giving up and kissing back.
Even if they were both worn a little thin from the physical and emotional strain of tonight, they both had it in them to kiss. Slow and careful, curious little touches like it was their first time. Nick got an arm around Sam's shoulders, hand tangled in his hair in that way that he did so well and they came together, Sam tugging Nick into a slow roll, settling somewhere underneath him and it was an absolutely perfect place to be.
He liked the weight. He liked to be able to look up at Nick and those blue, blue eyes of his. He liked to feel kept and close and like there was nowhere and no need to run.
He fell asleep like that
But he woke up alone.
The bed beside him cold to the touch. For a confusing moment he simply sat there, looking at the rumpled bed sheets and tossed blankets. At his vast nakedness and the stunning lack of companionship.
Somewhere out in the living room came a frustrated noise. Sam perked up at it and started looking for some kind of clothes to wear. Despite the fact that Nick had seen him quiet naked at this point, it was still early February and colder than hell.
"You can't-" Nick raised his voice suddenly, yelling at someone who wasn't Sam. "You fucking can't do this, you bitch. I have rights and- don't, god damn it, don't hang up on me!" Another furious sound and then a clatter of plastic and Sam realized that Nick must have thrown his phone against the wall. "Fuck!"
Not knowing what to do, Sam stayed on the bed, hardly breathing.
Nick didn't come back in, but he could be heard pacing the small front room.
Comfort or Space? Sam didn't know what to give. If it was Dean out there then the answer was to stay the fuck away and give him time to calm down. But Nick? Nick was still new and fairly uncharted territory when it came to mood swings.
Sam finally decided that if nothing else he couldn't just stay in here forever. His own clothes were probably on the bathroom floor where they'd been dropped last night, so he stole some pajama pants from the dresser, and shuffled out to the front room.
Nick was still stomping around, running his hands through his hair until it was a complete mess, working his jaw, grinding his teeth with soft little pop sounds.
Cautiously, Sam dodged around him and into the kitchen. Coffee was made and a perfectly brewed cup was set out on the counter shortly afterwards. A peace offering even if Sam hadn't done anything wrong.
And if nothing else, Nick seemed to show a cursory awareness to all of these goings on. The pacing slowed down and almost sheepishly he came to the kitchen, shoulders hunched, head down, angry lines deeply carved over his forehead. But he took his coffee with a small nod and went and planted himself in the corner of the couch, drawing his knees tight up to his chest.
Sam let him be. Staying over at the table with some coffee of his own, slowly waking up, waiting for the slight tremor to leave his hands. Exciting things like this shouldn't happen to him first thing in the morning- or before noon for that matter. He glanced at the clock over the stove and saw that he'd already slept in long enough to miss his first class of the day.
He watched Nick, saw him slowly relaxing as he got deeper and deeper into his cup of coffee. He uncurled in phases, shoulders dipping, head falling forward to rest against his knees.
"How'd you sleep last night?" Nick's voice came suddenly and startled him.
"Fine… just fine." Sam rolled his coffee mug between his hands, taking as much warmth as he could, kind of wishing that he'd taken the time to steal one of Nick's shirts too. "How about you?" He fumbled through the appropriate response.
Nick looked over his shoulder and gave him a tight smile. "Great. Just, bit of a rocky start this morning."
Sam glanced at the indent in the far wall, and the shattered remains of a cell phone on the floor bellow it. Kind of nodding, but not speaking. There was nothing constructive he could say at this point. He stayed over at the relative safety of the table until Nick started waggling his fingers in Sam's direction, beckoning.
"Come 'ere." He added when Sam didn't immediately come to him.
With a soft chuckle and a one shouldered shrug, Sam set down his mug and came over, letting out a startled noise as Nick caught him by the hips and pulled him down to sit on the arm of the couch.
"I'm going to kiss you." He said evenly, hands sliding slowly up Sam's chest, over his shoulders, hooking behind his neck.
"Are you asking permission?"
"Does it look like I'm asking?" Nick raised an eyebrow as he pulled Sam down the rest of the way and kissed him gently. "Good morning."
And Sam had kind of forgotten that this was a thing that they were allowed to do now. And it was a really awesome thing. Not the kind of something that he wanted to forget. He steadied himself against Nick's chest and kissed him a handful of times, each one slower and more lingering than the last.
"Good morning." He finally got out and then found himself returning a grin.
"Do you have to go to class?" Nick's long fingers were slowly knotting themselves in the short hair at the back of Sam's neck.
"I probably should." He said slowly and Nick nodded, but then Sam was kissing him again, sliding off the arm of the couch and pushing his friend down. It was a replay of last night's first frantic exploration on the couch- only they managed to actually get their clothes out of the way this time. So much more than just friction, and Nick was still so tight and Sam was still sure that they shouldn't be allowed to do this. Things that felt this good must be illegal.
He also had a sinking suspicion that neither of them had planned for their morning to go quite like this. With Nick on his back, bare legs up over Sam's hips as they rocked together, hard and slow. But it was a good way to spend the morning none the less.
Sam didn't make it to class. Nick didn't make it to the store to buy a new cell phone. They didn't get around to talking about what had caused the need of the phone's destruction in the first place. Some things just weren't as important as getting to know each other that much better.
Dean apparently thought otherwise, because when Sam finally got around to checking his own phone sometime after lunch he saw that he had a dozen missed calls from his big brother, along with a fair amount of aggressive texts, because Sam still had his car and Dean would really like it back.
"I really should get back home." Sam said absently, stretching his arms high over head, shaking his phone where Nick could see it, either as an explanation or an apology.
Letting out a sleepy sigh, Nick just nodded. "I guess you would have to eventually… unless you want to move in?"
Sam laughed, and leaned over to pat Nick's chest. "We're just hardly past the 'I like-like' you stage. Don't get ahead of yourself."
"Do I at least get a kiss goodbye?"
"I've been kissing you goodbye since last night." Sam bore his teeth in what might have been able to pass as a grin, even as he leaned down to give Nick a gentle peck between the eyes. "I don't think I'm very good at it."
"Just need more practice." Nick made a noise part way between a growl and a purr. Soft rumble in the back of his throat as he sat up on his elbows and tried to steal yet another kiss even though they were both well over the limit.
But Sam allowed it. He allowed it many times over in fact before finally finding the strength to escape, before Nick somehow talked him into getting back onto the couch with him.
"I really, really have to go before Dean walks himself down here and kills me for not bringing his car back last night like I promised I would." Sam apologized and slipped away, going to find some clothes to wear. His own jeans from last night were… not really salvageable. They needed to be washed, along with his boxers. The fabric stiff and not at all something that Sam was willing to put back on. So he went ahead a stole/borrowed more of Nick's clothes, secretly loving the feel of the other man's jeans against his bare skin.
"Hey," Nick called down the hall, and Sam could just barely see the man arching up of the couch to try and peer down the hall. "How are you going to explain the whole us not breaking up… thing to your brother?"
Sam came back down the hall and started to outline the plan that he'd made except for the fact that Nick obviously wasn't listening. Eyes gone a little wide, trailing slowly over Sam. With a sigh, the younger man folded his arms over his chest. "I'll bring them back."
"I… yeah. Ok." Nick slowly sat up, grabbing up the pajama pants that Sam had stripped off of him a little while back. He stood and got at least half dressed and Sam found himself politely looking away which was almost funny to him but he didn't know why. "I'm going to have to request that you never steal my clothes after this point, because hot damn I want to take 'em off you with my teeth." A slow kind of drawl creeping in around the edges of his words when he was this kind of tired and Sam loved hearing it
"Oh my god, Nick." He felt himself blushing even as he laughed and skittered away, keeping a healthy distance between them.
"I'm jus' being honest. Figured that after three months with you I should give it a try."
"I appreciate that, but I'm still going to leave before you-"
There came a rather self-important knocking at the door.
"… distract me again." Sam finished softly, glancing at the door and back at Nick who oddly looked exactly like a man who'd just had rough sex on the sofa, rumpled and a little bruised and a bit sticky in the stomach region, and more than anything else, just happy. "You want me to get that while you go clean yourself up?"
Nick glanced down at himself, lightly touching the drying cum on his stomach before looking up at Sam and grinning. "Yeah. I'll be right back. Give your brother a big ol' kiss for me, thank him for introducing us." Nick called over his shoulder as he trailed out of the room.
"Yeah, I don't think he's all that happy about it at this point." Sam mumbled to himself as he went to answer the knocking. An apology forming on his lips before he even got the door open.
Except it wasn't Dean glaring at him.
It was Gabriel- and he wasn't glaring so much as just looking mildly confused, then grinning. "Hey, Sambo. Didn't expect to see you here. Nick in there with ya?"
And wow, Sam really hated that nickname more than he thought he could, but he shrugged it off. His day was too good to let something as little and insignificant as Gabriel wreck it. "Yeah. Come on it." He stood aside and let the shorter man brush past him. "I'll tell him you're-"
"Luci, I'm home." Gabriel simply sang out, as loud as you like, not even giving Sam a chance. "And .God- it smells like sex in here." He managed to grin wider somehow, jaw practically unhinging like a snake's.
Sam went and collected the cold coffee mugs and then busied himself with rinsing them out.
"What did I interrupt? Like I don't already know."
"Nothing." Nick said, coming out of his bedroom. Jeans and a flannel and all those lovely bruises Sam had given him well hidden. "Sam was just getting ready to head out 's all." He ran a hand through his hair almost self consciously. "What 'd ya need, Gabe?"
"What do I need?" The little blonde asked with a laugh. "What do you need? I got a call from the hose beast's lawyer this morning. Know you got one too. Figured I'd come over and find you drinking yourself numb just like old times." He flashed his grin between his brother and Sam. "But this is better. Much, much healthier way to cope with the fucking mess you let her turn you into." He moved to sit on the couch and Nick made a wild noise that sort of translated to 'no'.
Gabriel glanced at the couch and his grin withered into a disturbed kind of grimace as he went to the dining room table instead. It was the first and only indication that he was less than ok with everything going on between his brother and the rather sturdy college student he'd decided to keep. Or maybe he'd only just noticed for the first time how really ugly the couch actually was.
Nick watched it all with quiet acceptance, no comment. No rising to whatever bait Gabriel had been laying out for him.
And Sam wanted to ask. He really did. He was a smart kid and he knew that Gabriel's visit had something to do with Nick's exwife. Same as the busted up phone still in the corner. It was a bit too obvious. But at the same time he couldn't bring himself to ask. If it was something that Nick had wanted to talk to Sam about he would have talked about it.
Maybe Sam would be brave enough to ask tomorrow.
"I've got to go." He announced to the room at large, leaving the clean mugs on the counter.
A hint of his earlier cheer flickered over Nick's face as he took a little step in Sam's direction. "Do I get a goodbye kiss?"
"Fucking no." Sam laughed and went to go look for his shoes on. "I'm not falling for that one again."
Nick shambled after him with a soft laugh of his own, lurking in the hall and watching Sam. "You coming back tonight?" The happily battered man asked.
"Tomorrow night." Sam apologized. "I've got homework I really should do."
Nick leaned on the wall, watching him with lidded eyes. "I can accept that. But I will be calling you tonight once I get off work, and I'm going to talk to you while I touch myself."
Sam had to look away. "I'm really leaving." He pulled his shoes on and made for the door, refusing to smile when from the corner of his eye he saw Nick still trailing after him with that same slow limp.
"Hey, I…yeah. Ok…" Nick sort of just trailed off in defeat. He leaned up against the door, keeping Sam from opening it right away, and those pale eyes of his were all for Sam. Pointedly ignoring Gabriel on the far side of the room. It was just them and the full weight of their sins.
It all sort of sank in in that moment and surprisingly with the collection of everything they'd said and done last night, to the distraction on the couch this morning from whatever the hell Nick was going through- Sam found himself grinning. He was happy. For the first time in what felt like weeks all that anxiety and doubt and generalized bad was gone.
But before he could manage to voice any of that Nick thrashed it all with a whispered and slightly strained "I love you."
Sam's heart caught in his throat, same as it had last night, and even though the words felt foreign and strange to his mouth he managed a soft "I love you, too."
The look on Nick's face was wholly worth it.
Funny, but Sam found himself ignoring the fact that he was supposed to be leaving this apartment in favor of giving the man one last and rather thorough kiss goodbye.
"Oh, can I get one of those too?" Gabriel asked them loudly as they pulled apart. "I mean, I'll take one from either of you… 'm not too picky."
"That's what Rehka said before she agreed to marry him." Nick whispered loud enough that everyone could hear him. "I'm not too picky."
Sam laughed and Nick grinned up at him like he'd just won something. Stupidly happy that Sam liked his little joke. It was almost too cute and Sam found himself leaning back down to kiss the smile off his lips.
He was never going to get out of the apartment at this rate.
"My lunch is only an hour long." Gabriel said with a sigh.
Nick flipped his brother off over his shoulder, speaking with his lips still against Sam's, little grin and nip of teeth between words. "You own your own law firm, and I've seen you take three day long lunches before."
"If this is going to take much longer can I at least crack a window so I don't choke to death on you guys' musk?"
Sam got his hands on Nick's sides, thumbs slipping easily into the little indentations below his hips. He gave a few little tugs until the older man got the idea and stepped away from the door. "Get yourself a new phone." Sam ordered. "Call me tonight."
Nick just grinned, little wink and a nod, and Sam left with a laugh.
Everything, literally everything, felt wonderful, and flawless and just stunning.
Lucky Sam.
He got to keep that beautiful feeling for two whole weeks.
And he loved it.
He loved every damn second of it.
Nothing good can last though. And looking back, Sam supposed it was just the transient nature of the universe or some other 'grown up' and philosophical bullshit like that. In actuality, it was just because sometimes people say stupid things that they don't mean.
Really… really stupid things.
.:.
"I don't want to go."
"They're your family," Sam eased gently, "and they want you there."
And Nick, the adult that he was, simply stuck his tongue out at Sam.
"You already told them you were going." He tried a different approach.
Same reaction.
"You keep sticking that out and me- I will bite it." Which wasn't much of a threat. Maybe it would have had some weight a few weeks back… but now all it did was make Nick's smile go crooked, his eyes instantly growing darker. "You're going." Sam insisted in what he hoped was a firm sounding voice that held no reaction to Nick's suddenly lusting gaze.
"Come with?"
"You're going- not me."
Nick attempted a puppydog look, but he was going up against a world champion of pitiful expressions, and simply failed to impress. The fact that he was sitting half naked on the foot of the bed, blankets up around his shoulders like a quilted shall, did very little to help the attempt. Hint of bare chest showing. The crooked gaze of the wall eyed monster tattooed over his heart almost looking at Sam. It sort of undercut Nick's best attempts.
Sam just shook his head, picking his shirt up off the floor and pulling it on in one easy movement. "I can't go to your niece's Communion with you. I'm not Catholic."
"I'm not either." Nick's lip curled.
"But you're her uncle."
"And when we get married you'll be her aunt, so it's all good."
Sam threw his head back and laughed. "Oh my god, Nick. No."
"No you're not coming or no we're not…"
And with as much strength and sincerity as he could muster, Sam swallowed down his laughter and placed a hand on either of Nick's cheeks. Deep breath. No smiling. "Just no." He leaned in and gave the gentlest of parting kisses. "Go or you're going to be late."
But Nick grabbed at Sam's hands before he could let go, skin rough and a little warm. And with the most pitiful expression that he could manage, he kissed Sam's wrist, pale blue eyes never wavering. "Please?"
"No."
He kissed the other wrist. "But... I love you."
Which was just dirty pool, and not the first time that he'd tried this particular tactic over the last two weeks. And, for the record, it had worked every time, and probably would keep working every time.
A long drive up the coast later Sam decided that the awkwardness of attending a Catholic anything was greatly overshadowed by the fact that Nick was actually in a suit and tie.
Because Nick… he looked really good in a tie.
Distractingly so.
Sam honestly had no idea what took place in that church. It was Sunday. There was Mass. Sam spent the whole time with his hands folded tightly in his lap, pointedly not touching Nick's thigh despite the fact that it was only inches away. The only thing that he managed to take out of the ceremony (or whatever it was considered) was that Nick's niece Sarah looked very sweet in her white dress.
Well, and one other thing. Apparently churches, or family, or neckties, or something made Nick nervous. His right leg jittering and bouncing up and down the whole time. Even Castiel, who was sitting on Nick's other side noticed and had to whisper a few times to his big brother to knock it off.
"Sorry." He whispered back each time and the nervousness would ease for a few moments before the bouncing would start right back up.
"Are you alright?" Sam leaned in.
"Yeah, yeah." He offered a weak smile. "Just thought that Gabriel would be here."
Sam frowned, not understanding why today of all days Nick would actually want to spend time with his squirreliest brother. But there were lots of things going on that Sam didn't know about, and Gabriel's absence was the least of them.
From beneath the bench in front of them emerged a slightly messy haired, wild eyed child. The youngest of Nick's nieces climbing her way into her uncle's lap, straightening her dress that was made of roughly a million ruffles, and looking rather pleased.
"This is boring." She told them in something that almost could have passed for a whisper.
"I know, monster." Nick folded his arms around her, almost completely hiding her from sight. "But it's almost over."
"And then we have cake."
"That's what I hear. Now hush," and Nick kissed the top of her head, "or your mom is going to come back here and pinch us."
Sam had his suspicions that Anna would do worse than that, but she was rows and rows ahead of them and too engrossed in watching the small herd of children taking part in the Mass, eating their little crackers.
The weight of a small child seemed to be enough to calm Nick, and he stopped jittering in favor of letting his niece twist and jab his fingers in ways that looked fairly painful. But if it bothered the man he didn't show it.
Mass took less than an hour and Gabriel slid in at the tail end, just in time to follow everyone outside for cake, which meant that Nick gave Sam a quick and surprising kiss on the cheek before abandoning him with a collection of relative, and complete strangers.
Sam ended up sitting by himself for a few minutes, wondering if this was just a normal part of dating someone. Occasionally having to wait alone in a place you didn't really want to be. And it wasn't so much that Sam was against church, or really any kind of organized religion for that matter- in fact they'd moved outside to enjoy the unseasonably nice weather while they had a large picnic of sorts- it was just that he didn't feel like this was a place he belonged. He was far from home, in a setting that was unfamiliar to him, and the only people he knew had walked off together to argue animatedly under an oak tree.
Not too much time passed before a man came and sat down on the bench beside Sam. He was short (and everyone was short in comparison to Sam, but this guy couldn't have been more than five foot six) with close cut dark hair and a bit of a beard that looked more like a few weeks worth of a misplaced razor than any kind of fashion statement. He also smelled faintly like gin. Not that Sam was passing any kind of judgment, but… it was eleven AM on a Sunday… at church.
"I don't recognize you." The man said simply.
"I'm here with the Novaks." And that was Nick's last name, right? Sam found himself laughing a little when he realized he had no idea what his boyfriend's last name was. Sure, he knew Castiel's, but the men were only half brothers and that didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
But his new companion nodded, gaze following a cluster of running children as they scampered past. "Good family." He glanced back up at Sam. "Didn't expect to see Nick with them though. Last I heard he'd sworn off any and all family functions."
Sam wondered what that was supposed to mean exactly, but by the gentle look on this man's face, Sam realized that he was probably just over thinking things and shouldn't somehow get defensive for Nick in his absence.
"That's actually the brother I came with… I don't really know the rest of the family all that well."
"I wouldn't worry about it. You picked the best one after all." And the man laughed softly. "But don't tell them I said that."
The fact that Sam agreed made him like this man a little bit more.
"Dad!" A woman's voice cut through the air, almost angry.
Sam looked around to find Gabriel's wife coming over to them rather rapidly across the grass despite her impressive heels.
"Why didn't you tell anyone you were coming?" She demanded to the man beside Sam.
This was her dad? He had expected someone a bit more… ethnic. Not that he'd ever considered what Rekha's parents would actually look like, but she had to be Middle Eastern of some sort and the man that she was pulling up into a fierce hug was just about as white as they came.
"I didn't want anyone making a big deal." The man said sheepishly, giving her an awkward half hug back, sort of patting her shoulders and then looking a bit lost.
"You stupid old man." She laughed and let go of him long enough to put one hand on his cheek and kiss the other before standing up straight, hovering over the sitting men. "I see you met Sam."
"We hadn't really gotten that far yet." His dark eyes darted about, obviously embarrassed but pleased by the affectionate greeting he'd just been given. "Hi, Sam."
"Hi..."
"Chuck." The man supplied a name and held a hand out for Sam to shake.
"Sam is Nick's boyfriend." Rekha said, just as simply as you'd say that the sky is blue or that water is wet.
It was horrifying to hear it out loud.
Chuck's eyes went a little wide and he looked at Sam a bit more thoroughly. "Really?"
"Yeah." Sam said uneasily. "For a little over three months now." Not sure if this was the right sort of place to be sharing this information. They were in San Francisco, but they were also in the grassy area behind a Catholic church. It didn't feel like the best place for these kinds of confessions.
"Is this just something you boys are doing to see how mad you can make Michael, or is it an experimental… thing?"
"Dad!" Rekha smacked the man's shoulder and saved Sam from having to answer. "They are very happy together. Nick's started coming to holidays and other things, and he's sober, and I think Michael's outrage is just a pleasant afterthought at this point." She looked apologetically at Sam and shrugged.
He kind of shrugged back. Honestly not sure that pissing off part of his family wasn't still part of Nick's master plan anyways.
"Well," Chuck rubbed at the spot on his shoulder where he'd just been hit. "If you make my son happy, then I'm real glad to meet you."
"I… yeah." Sam found himself nodding along uncertainly. Suddenly remembering this man from a photo that he'd seen months ago over the desk in the tattoo shop. This wasn't Rekha's dad. This was Nick's.
"God knows it's been too long since we've seen him smile." He stood and nodded slightly at his daughter in law. "I'm going to go get a drink, save my seat for me." A gentle excuse and Sam watched the man go, sort of drifting off into the group of milling parents and children.
Rekha watched him go too before sitting down beside Sam. "Thanks for dragging Nick out here. It means a lot to Anna."
"I didn't do any-"
"You did a lot." She assured, gently patting his arm. "Just take it as a complement and say 'you're welcome'."
Sam chuckled and did as he was told. She nodded at him approvingly.
"I was worried that with Lilith suddenly causing trouble for him again that Nick would just disappear like he used to. But he's keeping it together really well."
Sam felt his smile wilt. Nick hadn't mentioned anything even remotely like that going on.
"You're good for him is what I'm trying to say, and we're happy to have you around." She gave his arm a little squeeze. "Now, I've got to go find Dad. I think he got lost looking for that drink."
She left him too, and Sam was left with his lonely bench and some mixed feelings. These past two weeks had been little more than school and sex, and by no means was Sam complaining. He'd seen Nick almost every night since Valentine's day, and when their schedules wouldn't allow for one of them to sleep over they would call and talk way too late into the night. But Nick had never mentioned his ex.
They talked about… god, they talked about nothing. Nothing even remotely important. It was all just stupid things like making plans to go back to the beach one night when the weather got better, or there had been an hour long argument about the Ship of Thesis and how Nick had never taken any kind of philosophy class, but still had formed some very strong opinions on souls and what makes you you. They'd talked about some of the brighter parts of Sam's childhood. They'd commiserated on their shared family camping trips as children. They talked about what Sam wanted to do once he graduated.
Never once had Lilith come up.
Sam looked up at the leaf bare trees and the clouds encroaching on his sunny sky.
He didn't know that much about Nick's life past the age of about thirteen. Sure. Sam knew that he'd been married, but there had also been some mention of a master's degree and a military service, but no details had ever been offered.
And beyond those things, down at the base of it, Sam had fallen in love with a man whose last name he didn't even know with any certainty.
It didn't change how he felt about Nick. But it did make Sam take a long hard look at some choices that he'd made recently.
He got lost somewhere in those thoughts and the next thing he knew a shadow had fallen over him, reminding of the fact that it was only just March and spring hadn't really arrived yet. Sam looked up and saw Nick's familiar facsimile of a smile. Tired hooks at the edges of his mouth. Maybe he'd actually been willing to make an appearance today to appease his family, but it looked like it had taken a bit out of him.
"Hey, darlin'. Are you ready to head back home?"
"Yeah." Sam stood. "You get to say goodbye to your dad?" Which was a weird thing to say. As soon as he said it he had regrets.
Nick's face went complicatedly neutral. "My dad?"
"I- I thought that's who he was." Sam found himself almost apologizing. "Chuck, right? About yay tall… or was that actually Rekha's dad?"
Because trust the smart college boy to get this one wrong.
Nick gave the barest shake of his head, not quite looking at Sam, eyes scanning the people standing around. "No one told me he was here."
"He said he didn't want anyone making a big deal, then he went to go get a drink…" how long ago had that been now? Rekha hadn't come back either actually.
"Fuck- I," Nick was making small fists at his side, clenching and unclenching as he looked around a bit more franticly. "I'll be right back."
And then it was just Sam and the bench again.
He couldn't take it this time though. After ten minutes he was up and looking for Nick. And for whatever it was worth, the little red car that they'd come in was still in the parking lot, but it took long enough to find the man it belonged to that Sam had actually started to worry.
He didn't need to get worked up about it though. Nick hadn't actually made it that far. Sam found him sitting in the empty chapel, quiet and tucked away in one of the last pews, arms folded over the back of the row in front of him, head resting on his arms.
In all his searching, Sam hadn't come across Nick's dad, and now he really had nothing good to say to his friend who apparently hadn't found him either. So Sam came over and sat down, close enough to be noticed, but not close enough to be intrusive if Nick still wanted to be alone- because that was the only reason that Sam could figure for coming into the empty building when literally everyone else was still outside enjoying themselves.
"Did he say anything to you?" Nick didn't lift his head.
"He… no. Not really. I told him I'd come here with you and didn't really know the rest of your family- and he said that was ok, that I'd picked the best brother any ways." Sam watched in fascination as Nick looked up impossibly fast, eyes wide and confused. "But he also told me I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that part. So… you know, keep it between us."
Nick looked in pain. It was the best way Sam could think to describe it. Like someone had punched him in the gut and knocked all the wind out of him.
"I found Rekha." Nick said after the quiet got a little too oppressive. "She said he'd already left before she could stop him."
Sam didn't have anything to add to that.
He didn't know why this was significant. If it had been John that had left without even saying hello in the first place, Sam would have been ecstatic. But Apparently Nick had a different relationship with his father, which was just one more thing that Sam had no idea about and oddly now didn't feel like the right time to ask.
"Do you want me to drive us back home?" He offered instead.
Nick laughed with a dull, hollow kind of sound. "What is with you always trying to drive my car?" But he pulled the keys from his pocket and handed them over. That little gesture said a lot more than it was probably intended to.
Around the time they were passing Half Moon Bay, when a quiet costal rain started to patter and leave little speckles down the windshield, Nick finally looked up from where he had been resting his head against the passenger side window.
"I feel like we missed out on the golden opportunity of having sex in a confessional."
Sam let out a startled laugh. "Absolutely not."
"No. No, you're supposed to offer to turn the car around."
He'd say it again, more clearly this time just in case Nick hadn't heard him right. "Absolutely not."
"You're no fun."
"Is your last name Novak?" Sam asked instead of rising to the obvious bait.
From the corner of his eye he watched Nick sit up straighter in his seat, reaching up to tug at his lower lip for a moment. "No." He said finally. "That's Castiel's. He kept his mom's last name even when he came to live with us."
Sam waited.
"You… you really don't know my last name, do you?"
"It's never come up."
"…Shurley."
Sam blinked and almost turned to look at Nick, but kept his eyes on the road for more practical reasons. "Are you serious?"
"I changed it to my dad's back when I was changing my first name." Nick chuckled. "And don't make that face. Nick Shurley is still a better name than Lucifer."
"Yeah, ok." Sam could give him that.
"Why didn't you ask that when we first met?"
"Why don't you ever talk about yourself?" Sam countered.
"I do."
"No. You don't. I know how you like your coffee, sure. I know that you won't wear socks to bed even though you've always got cold feet. I even know that you actually count while brushing your teeth to make sure you're doing it long enough- which is stupid and I love it." Sam added when Nick started to protest. "But I don't even know what college you went to. I don't know why you have these really detailed tattoos over your arms and then you've got that stupid looking whatever the hell it is on your chest. It looks like a five year old drew it- and it's weirdly cute, don't get me wrong. I just… I don't know who you were before I met you."
"Sam,"
"I don't know who you are now."
"Christ." Nick rubbed a hand over his face. "I knew I shouldn't have left you when I went to talk to Gabriel. Can't leave people alone in churches."
"What were you talking to Gabriel about?"
Nick got very still on his side of the car.
Sam waited.
He'd been doing it a lot today, and he thought he was starting to get the hang of it.
"Just… stuff."
"Stuff." Sam repeated. "Well, there you go. You guys were talking about stuff."
"Fuck you." Nick bristled, suddenly very defensive. "I don't have to check in with you whenever I talk to my brother."
"I'm not saying-" Sam cut himself off, hands clenching at the steering wheel. "You're important to me. If there's something big going on, something I can help with, I'd like to know."
But that didn't get a response.
They got off the freeway, the surface streets fairly empty in the fresh raid as Sam drove towards his own house.
"It's the monster that used to live under June's bed." Nick said quietly, hand absently coming up to touch his chest. "It was the first letter I ever got from her. She was worried about it trying to eat her at night, because she didn't have anyone to check under the bed before she went to sleep. She didn't have a dad at home like her friends did to do those sorts of things. So she sent me the picture. Thought that if I knew what the monster looked like I could maybe find it during the day and talk to it for her. Tell it that she'd left a peanut butter sandwich downstairs for it to eat instead of her…" Nick's voice faltered and he turned in his seat to look out the window. Not saying anything else until Sam pulled the car into the driveway beside the Impala.
"Dean's home." Sam didn't know if he meant it as a warning or just a fun fact if somehow Nick had managed to miss the enormous black car.
"I'll just get going."
"No, you can come in."
Nick turned and looked over at Sam, trying for a weak smile that didn't even reach halfway to his eyes. "You brother actively hates me."
Which wasn't necessarily an overstatement. Dean certainly hadn't decided to like Nick any more once he found out that Sam was not actually breaking up with him.
"He thinks you're using me." Sam killed the engine, fingers twisting slowly over the keys.
"Well, I am." Nick sunk down, not even unbuckling his seatbelt, so this conversation obviously wasn't winding down just yet. "I mean- that's why we started this in the first place, isn't it? We were using each other quite openly. I needed to keep Gabriel off my back and you…" One of his long fingered hands sort of gestured uselessly in Sam's direction.
"And I what?"
"And you were just a bit lonely."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, that's why Dean set you up with me, wasn't it? Your friend had gone and gotten married, you were moping around for months and your brother thought a quick fuck would cheer you up."
"No." Sam felt like he was going crazy. "No. I was just tired of getting set up on dates all that time. Same as you. What the actual hell, Nick?"
"That's what I said, isn't it?"
"No. It wasn't. You're making it sound like I was hanging around hoping for sex because I couldn't get it anywhere else."
Nick ran his hands through his hair, fidgeting like no one's business. "I'm sure you could have gotten it just about anywhere else. I don't know why you settled for me."
"Because I love you, you asshole." They'd already had this conversation.
"Do you?" And it wasn't a gentle question. It was almost an accusation, and something had gone very wrong while Sam wasn't looking.
"Seriously, Nick. What the hell?"
He let out a long rough breath, the noise tearing at his throat, as he raked his hands through his hair a bit more forcefully.
And Sam waited one last time.
Nick sat there, watching the water running down the windshield. "H-how did my dad look?"
Sam blinked, startled by the abrupt change. "He looked… fine." He hadn't really spent all that much time examining the man.
"I haven't seen him in almost ten year, Sam. Try and be a bit more descriptive."
Oh. See now that was one of those things that seemed like it should have come up at some point since they'd met. "He was a little greay at the temples, hadn't shaved recently. He also might have been a bit drunk- but like father like son." And that last bit shouldn't have been said out loud. Sam wasn't even conscious of forming the thought.
"I haven't had a drink since we started having sex, so fuck you." Immediately Nick looked apologetic. "Damn it. These past few weeks have been a fucking nightmare and I can't- I didn't mean to… sorry. I'm gunna go now. I need a few hours to just not be here."
To not be with Sam.
Yes. That thing that had gone wrong had gone expertly so.
And the thing was, Sam was nearly one hundred percent sure that it had nothing to do with him. This morning they'd been tucked up together in Nick's bed, having slow prebreakfast sex, followed by something that… probably wasn't technically spooning, but it was close and good, and then Sam had made them toast and coffee and they'd tucked back up for an episode of X Files before Nick had to get ready to go to Mass.
Nothing about this morning had been bad or given any indication that trouble was brewing. He was going to blame Nick's family for this one. They'd both been fine until they'd gotten to that church. Then Nick had left with Gabriel, and apparently something was going on with Lilith…
Sam felt like an idiot.
And a bit of a coward.
Rekha had said that she thought Nick was holding it together pretty well, but for Sam that concept hadn't sunken in immediately.
There had been signs.
Little faults in Nick that he had been pointedly ignoring for a while now.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Christ. No. I thought that by dating a guy I'd be spared this touchy feel crap for once." Nick unbuckled his seat belt. "I'm not going to talk about it because it's got nothing to do with you."
"Oh, nice."
"Look, you wanna' talk? Fine. Ask me questions, I'll tell you all the dumb ass stuff that you want to know about for some fucking reason that I'm never going to understand. It's not important and that's why I don't' bring it up."
"What's going on with your ex?"
Nick's shoulders got tight. "I meant the stuff about school, and… and the military and whatever else. There's a difference between things too stupid to bring up and none of your damn business."
Sam got out of the car. Nick followed, but he didn't say anything nice like 'wait' or 'sorry'.
"You're right." Sam said for him. "It is none of my damn business."
Nick came around the car and held his hand out for the keys.
"I'm sorry you didn't get to see your dad." Sam had learned from Dean when the best time to shut up actually was. Problem with that though, if there was one thing that Dean did well, it was run his mouth long past the point that he should have shut the hell up. "He seemed nice."
Nick snatched the keys from Sam's hand. "Fuck you. Maybe he didn't stick around like yours did, and he wouldn't win any awards. But I don't need your sympathy."
Sam folded his arms over his chest. Weird, bitter feelings churning in his gut. "Did you really just compare your mousey, polite dad to the monster I grew up with?"
"Oh right. I forgot. You're an expert on terrible fathers. You obviously know how to classify them so much better than me."
"I know enough to say that you'd make a pretty fucking terrible one."
And Sam didn't mean that.
He didn't.
Oh good god, but he didn't mean that.
It had been such a stupid thing to say. The kind of thing that you regret about three seconds before you say it and even then was still too late.
Nick didn't look angry though. His jaw was tight, but there were no namable emotions on his face. Everything boiled away until all that was left was this terrible stillness.
He didn't say goodbye.
He didn't even tell Sam to fuck off.
He just left.
Sam was left reeling, blinking wildly at the empty street, trying to recognize some shred of himself in this young man having a panic attack on a rain spattered driveway.
But he didn't know this kid anymore than he knew the man who was driving away.