Disclaime: I don't own original story or plot, characters, or any dialogue quoted from original series, etc. (as well as anything that I've missed but should be listed here). All of the above belong exclusively to the author of the Vampire Academy series: Richelle Mead.
Beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...
I wasn't sure what was more annoying in this moment, the continuous beeping pounding against my ear drums, almost like it was a personal accusation devised solely for my torture, or this horribly stiff chair I couldn't...wouldn't leave. Really you'd think they would stock these rooms with more comfortable furniture considering how much time people spend in them waiting...watching...praying. And with that my tears began to fall once more, because that is exactly what I should be doing- praying, instead I'm acting like a selfish bitch complaining about the sound of the machine telling me my best friend is still alive and how annoyingly uncomfortable this chair is. The chair I'm sitting in because Rose might die, again...and it's all my fault because I am, in actual fact, a selfish bitch. My cries turned to sobs as my mind went back over the scene that landed us here. The council room, Rose finding Jill so I could finally have my council spot (and me of course hating her for it, for forcing me to face the truth about my father), Rose announcing the name of the real killer (which I should have known), what good was it being a spirit user if I only ever used my 'supposed' gift to further my own selfish needs instead of doing good or caring for those who love me. Had I not learned my lesson when I'd been so blind to my best friend I hadn't seen, until it was, once again, too late how she'd felt for Dimitri? But no, apparently not...because if I hadn't been so damn self-absorbed I would have seen the truth in the auras around me, if only I'd just looked. Or cared enough to analyze what they really meant when I did take the time to pay attention to them. But then, at first, despite everything, everything I knew about Rose, everything I KNEW she'd done for me...I, I'd doubted her- doubted her to tell the truth, doubted her ability to find the truth! And now the sobs are just coming harder. Maybe if I'd believed just a few minutes earlier I could have stopped this? Or maybe it just would have ended the same, who knows, because would I have acted any differently if I'd understood just a few minutes sooner? No, because as I'd said, I'm a selfish bitch. I just had to put myself in the middle, I just had to run in and try to save the day, be the big hero, the one everyone looked up at with awe. It was addicting, that feeling; having people look at you and treat you like you are special, confirming what you'd always thought deep down inside- I'm better than them. I'd been so sure I was the only one who could fix the situation, so sure I'd offered up that idiotic idea of using compulsion. Of course, that psycotic bitch would not have taken well to that, she was GUILTY! What was I thinking suggesting that right in front of her? I am not just a selfish bitch, but a stupid selfish bitch who is so self-absorbed with how my special wonderful gifts can save the day that I never once thought how the guilty party would react to such an idea...God, could I hate myself more. You'd think I would have realized then and there that I needed to step back and let the professionals take over, but of course not because the great and perfect Lissa Dragomir is the only one who could possibly save the day! So what did I do next? I approached the crazy lunatic thinking I could calm her down, thinking my magic was the only solution, the same magic that has only ever caused everything to become so much worse and complicated. But could I see that? No, because once again I am a blind, stupid, and incredibly selfish bitch. And when she pointed that gun at me did I have the sense to finally back off? No, because surely, surely she would never actually shoot the amazinly special, perfect and selfless Princess Vasilissa Dragomir. Except what nobody knows, not even Rose, because I've long since learned to block it from her, is that I am anything but selfless. No that title belongs soley to the girl laying in the bed before me fighting for her life. I don't do anything, unless somehow it will further my own goals. I've spent a lifetime doing everything possible to hide the real truth about me, the one that has lead to this...I am nothing but a selfish bitch. I deserved to be shot, I should be the one laying in that bed, but Rose... the truly special one, the actually purely selfish loving person I've fooled people into believing I am, would not allow it. She could see the truth when I couldn't, she knew that SHE would shoot, because she knew that SHE was just like me, a selfish fucking bitch. So Rose, who still loved me, the way she'd always loved me, despite the fact that I've long since lost the right to that love, jumped in front of me and took the bullets. The worse part was while she was lying there DYING right in front of me I could see that she didn't regret it at all. She believed I was worth the sacrifice. I didn't think I could hate myself more or sob any harder, but I was wrong. Because while she was looking at me, her eyes saying good-bye, saying she still loved me despite the fact that I'd just killed her, I'd just sat there too caught up in my own selfish feelings to reach out and heal her when I had the chance, before I was pulled out of the room and locked away (for my protection, of course...what a joke!). If anything I should be locked away to protect everyone else from me, the bind, stupid, selfish bitch. Why was I too busy too heal the person I claimed to be my best friend and sister, because I was too busy wallowing in the fact that Rose was leaving ME, when she was supposed to protect me always. I was too busy seeing a truly devastated Dimitri, who would now be lost, too lost to be there to support and protect me like he'd promised (a promise I never deserved, by the way. But did I ever tell him that? Sure I hinted and hedged, but if I'd been a good person and not a selfish bitch I would have demanded he listen to me. Demanded he understand that I was NEVER the one to truly save him, it had always been Rose.) I was too busy being shocked that SHE had actually shot at me. Fucking Tasha! How could she do this to me? And here we go...I am still a selfish bitch. Because I shouldn't be asking how she could do this to ME, I should be asking how she could do this to Rose, to Christian, and to Dimitri. If I truly was the person I pretended to be, the person all those people wanted to be Queen, those would have been my first thought, but they hadn't been.
But...there is one thing that makes me feel a little better, one decision I have made and plan to stick to no matter how hard it is to give in. I will not heal Rose. She's died several times since being shot and it took all my strength not to pull her back the last time, but I will not do it. I will not do it for HER. I will not do it because in fighting to stay alive, she'd broken the bond and is finally free: of me! If she makes it through this and if anyone can, its Rose she will finally be free of the threat of insanity. I know that no matter how much she understands the consequences, if she is bonded to me, she will always pull the darkness. I've let myself, for too long use the magic irresponsibly because a part of me always knew Rose would always be there helping me; she would never let me go insane. But did I ever really think about the fact that eventually she would? Oh no, of course not. I rationalized that she was too strong for that, but really it was just because I was a selfish bitch. Even if it means I lose her forever, I will not let that become her fate. It may have taken till now for me to finally see her, she her for what she is: the most selfless, brave, loyal, dedicated, strong, and loving person I know. She may be flawed, but those flaws only add to her character, make her strive to become a better person. Unlike mine; my flaws just make me more of a blind, stupid, and selfish bitch. If anyone truly should be Queen it should be the Dhampir girl fighting for her life right in front of me.
I didn't think anything could reach through my sobs, but a voice did- a voice that belonged to another person almost as good as Rose. "Are you okay Lissa? Is there anything you need? Do you want me to call Christian?" Despite his utter devastation at the current condition of the woman he loves and the hurt and anger he was feeling at the betrayal of someone he considered such a good friend, I could still hear the concern in his voice. His concern for me and my well being. It was only the thought that I didn't deserve even an iota of said concern that forced me to calm myself, fight back the darkness that was making this worse, and put a cork in the sobs that so desperately did not want to stay inside me. "I'm fine, Dimitri. It's ok really, I just needed to get that out." I stood up trying to tear my eyes from Rose, afraid that if I looked away for a single minute she would let go and die. That was irrational and again selfish, my will alone couldn't assure her survival and no matter how much it hurt, I had to accept and embrace the fact that I was no longer the one who held first place in her heart. If Rose needed anyone it was Dimitri; that thought and his appearance when I turned around filled me anew with guilt and self-loathing. "I will give you some time with her alone, Dimitri." As I stepped away he reached out to me, "You don't have to do that, Rose loves you, she'd want you here." Forcing myself to be strong, or well, to appear to be anyway, "No, Dimitri, right now she needs you." I squeezed his shoulder and practically ran out of the room, out of the room that contained the two people that so potently reminded me of the truth, I am a blind, stupid, and selfish bitch."
Once I'd reached the safety of the quiet garden only I now had access to, I let the sobs out again. Dimitri, just the sight of him, unshaven, disheveled clothes, exhaustion, pain, and grief clear in every inch of his normally perfect form, had brought to mind past actions that had been just as horrible and selfish, maybe more so, than the ones which had threatened to consume me earlier. Actions I didn't think I could ever forgive myself for, actions that cemented the simple truth, I am nothing but a selfish bitch. After Dimitri had been turned and I'd FINALLY realized how blind I'd been I still hadn't truly believed the feelings between them were completely mutual. Because...because... and this was the hardest thing to admit, so hard I'd, until now, refused to acknowledge it; I refused to accept what my eyes had shown me (something I could now recognize) because I had held a secret crush on him myself. He loved her every bit as much as she loved him and I refused to see it because I was such a self-absorbed, blind, stupid, and selfosh bitch that I couldn't admit he would love her that way when I was his charge. It didn't help that I felt Rose would never enter into any relationship that could by its very existence endanger ME, I was the one she truly loved, I was the one who was most important to her. Then she left me and I blamed her for it, how dare she choose him over me? I may have apologized when she returned, but there had still been a part of me that held it against her because I was a self-absorbed, blind, stupid, and selfish bitch. When she'd asked me to help her bring him back, I'd agreed under the guise that I wanted to help her. Well, yes that was part of it, I really did want to help her, I actually did love her; but, a large part of it was just trying to see if I could actually do it. I had become enamored with the idea I could heal a Strigoi. If I succeeded no one could doubt I was special, selfless, and a hero. They would know what I always had, that I was better than just about everyone else. I could still feel the exhalation of success, threatening to pull me back into the darkness where my worst flaw reigned supreme, my own hubris. I don't regret doing it, I can't regret it, if for both Rose's and Dimitri's sake. I do regret my actions afterwards, the ones that definitively proved I was a cruel, self-absorbed, blind, stupid, and selfish bitch. When Dimitri had turned to ME for support and help that terrible part of me had relished in it, loved it even. I loved that suddenly I was the most important person in his life. I'd loved the way he looked at me and worshiped me like I was an angel. I'd loved when he'd made that stupid vow to me, the one I never deserved, the one he should have made to Rose. At first I might have tried to convince him to see her, to try to make him understand that I wasn't really the one who'd saved him, but that feeling...that oh so wonderfully powerful feeling of being needed and adored had taken over and let free the part of me that was nothing more than a cruel, self-absorbed, blind, stupid, and selfish bitch.
I couldn't even make the excuse that I truly believed Rose would only hurt him more because I didn't believe that. In fact, I'd known, from his aura and hers, that Rose was the only person who could fully heal him and bring him back but did I do the right thing and force the issue? Of course not, I let my jealousy and desire to cling to that powerful feeling of being needed and adored push me into continuing to do nothing but cause everyone even more pain. I'd caused the two people I love most in the world to feel horrible pain and as much as I wish to claim ignorance of that fact, I couldn't. I knew Rose and Christian were hurt by my behavior but instead of helping them, forcing myself to stop hurting them, I turned on them and basically accused them of being exactly what I was a jealous, cruel, self-absorbed, blind, stupid, and selfish bitch. I ignored them both, I pushed them both away all so I could focus on the feelings I'd become addicted to, I'd refused to walk away from the accolades and worship I never once deserved. I let Dimitri wallow in guilt and denial, refusing him the help he really needed, I pressured and tried to force Rose to leave him alone, I ignored Christian's advise and warnings (hell, I ignored him in general), I did nothing to stop the heart break and heart ache I could see coming for everyone, and even worse I almost assured that Rose and Dimitri (who I'd already known were soul mates, even if I refused to admit it...) break their relationship beyond all repair just so I would always remain the most important person to both of them [rather than each other]. It took Rose being framed for murder for me to finally do something that wasn't acting like a complete and total jealous, cruel, self-absorbed, blind, and stupid selfish bitch. But the worst thought of all was if I wasn't that person, if I was more like Rose, or Christian, or Dimitri and done the right thing, would Tasha even been able to frame Rose for murder? Would Tatiana even have died? Would I not be standing her in this beautiful garden, meant for the enjoyment of one person, the Queen- who was now me? I didn't want to be Queen, I couldn't do it, I would only assure the ruination of our entire world. I didn't have what it took, I wasn't good enough, I was a horrible person.
Suddenly my dark thoughts were interuptted by an angel, my angel, my soul mate and love of my life: Christian. He took me in his arms and held me tight, stroking my hair, and whispering soft words of love as I cried out my pain and anguish. When I'd calmed enough he continued to hold me while telling me everything would be okay and I let myself believe him, if only for a little while. When his phone chimed with a text he looked at it, smiled, and told me the most wonderful news I'd ever heard, "they decided Rose has recovered enough to be moved to the room in the palace and...she's just woken up." For the first time in days I smiled and dragged him off to see her.
After leaving her room, knowing she was okay, knowing she had forgiven me (for everything), and knowing she believed in me- believed that I could be a great Queen and make a real difference I felt lighter than I had in a while. When I found Christian waiting for me with his arms open I ran into them tears falling once more. Except these tears were different. Yes, the part of me that was a jealous, cruel, self-absorbed, blind, and stupid selfish bitch may still be in there, but I had learned something very important. The people that really mattered, knew it and loved me anyway. I was Queen and even if I still didn't feel worthy I knew I would give it my all and I would make a difference because I was surrounded by a group of people that had the true heart of a what a Monarch should be. I would watch them, ask for their advise, and let them help me. I would finally follow them, not the other way around, if only in spirit. And maybe, just maybe if I tried to emulate them, see things more often from their perspective, and allow them to be there when I faltered that part of me would grow smaller and smaller. Maybe, just maybe, one day I wouldn't consider the jealous, cruel, self-absorbed, blind, and stupid selfish bitch part of me such a defining and horrific flaw, but a tiny small part of me that now and forever more would motivate me to always be better and never again allow it to let me take for granted the special wonderful people who I loved and who, for some great miracle, loved me back too. And if only for them, I would force myself to try to be the person they saw and not the one I knew was hiding deep inside who would always try, but I would never again allow it, to take over, ever.