Chapter 22 – Live Studio Audience

"Ooohh…what's this?" Kenzi snatched a box from Dyson's desk.

Lauren yawned. "Concentrated gastric fluid from a Hypaction – a Peruvian mountain goat that spits poison. The substance reacts violently when it comes into contact with metallic compounds, so we often use the fluid to cut through safes."

"What's this?" Kenzi picked up a tiny, rusted needle.

"The Dagger of Philestus, King of the Delphic Garden Fairies. Just the right size for picking locks." Lauren yawned again.

"How about this?" Kenzi picked up something that looked like a squishy, pale raisin.

"That would be a dehydrated centaur testicle."

Kenzi gagged, dropped the object on the night stand, and ran to the bathroom to wash her hands. Lauren heard her yell, "Horse balls!" over the sound of running water. Lauren's own laughter was cut off by another massive yawn.

"Are you alright?" Ciara asked. They were the only ones left in the room. Dyson and Hale were renting a car, and Bo was still zonked out in Lauren's room. The Doctor stifled a smile, at the memory of waking up with Bo that morning, warm bodies flush against each other, limbs still entwined.

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"Dried up horse balls, people!" Kenzi shouted from the bathroom.

"I can't imagine why you'd be tired," Ciara teased. "Rough night?"

"Rough. Gentle. And everything in between." Lauren gave a saucy wink.

"Yes!" Ciara patted her friend's thigh. "More than anyone I've ever met, you deserve a lifetime's supply of earth shattering shagathons."

"Um. Thanks?" Lauren laughed. "Although a lifetime supply does seem greedy. I'm willing to share, if you'd like."

"Trust me, if I ever become curious, you'll be my first port of call." Ciara grinned.

"Now I really am flattered."

"Of course, by that time you might not even want me anymore."

"That's ridiculous. Why wouldn't I want you?"

"Horse! Balls!"

"Because you only have eyes for Bo. It's taken you what, all of two weeks? At the rate you're progressing, you'll be picking out carpets for the guest room and fighting over closet space before the end of the month."

"You're exaggerating."

"And you're smitten. Don't deny it."

Lauren blushed, but was saved from answering when Kenzi walked back into the room, hands red and raw from the scrubbing. A look of utter disgust was plastered on her face. "What the hell, Doc? Why would you keep something like that?"

"To foster mental distress in annoyingly curious humans," Lauren rolled her eyes. "It's all for you, Kenz."

"Kenz?" Kenzi whispered to herself, unaware that she and the Doc had progressed to nicknames. Or, in Kenzi's case, nicknames that weren't meant to annoy, alienate, offend, irritate, or otherwise act as a barrier to a real friendship.

The door opened with a squeak and in strode Bo, rubbing her eyes and yawning, looking for all the world like she'd been tossing and turning all night.

Which, in a way, she was.

Lauren felt her libido give an involuntary lurch, and Bo's yawn turned into a grin. Lauren silently cursed her lack of self-control. She was going to have to work on that.

"BoBo!" Kenzi hopped over and gave the Succubus a friendly hug. "How's my BFF? Good night's sleep?"

"Very satisfying," Bo replied. She sat next to Ciara on the bed. Lauren busied herself with gathering up her gear, sure that if she allowed herself one look at the Succubus sitting on the bed she might take her right then and there, Kenzi and Ciara be damned. She rolled her eyes at her own appetites, and packed up the COM sets instead.

Bo reached out toward the wrinkled, fleshy bit of centaur on the night stand. "What's this?"

"Don't touch it!" Kenzi flew across the room like Superman, slapping Bo's hand out of the way just in time.

"What was that about?" Bo snapped. She rubbed her wrist where Kenzi's knuckles had hit.

"I just saved your ass from pickled Fae genitalia and two weeks' worth of therapy."

"Not pickled," Lauren said. "Dehydrated."

Kenzi plopped back on the bed. "Your girlfriend has some weird kinks."

"Is that so?" Bo licked her lips. "I can't wait to find out all about them."

Lauren sighed as her forehead dropped to her palm. "Your mind really is a gutter dweller."

"Oh, definitely." Bo grinned. "I have a huge house down there. Porch. Picket fence. Sex swing."

"O-KAY!" Kenzi got up off the bed. "We're gonna file that one under 'TMI', and I'm gonna get us some coffee." She crossed the room and opened the door, just as Dyson was reaching in from the other side. "Holy Wolfmother!" She grabbed her chest and staggered backward. "You scared the SHIT outta me, dude!"

Hale popped his head around. "Nah. If we scared the shit out of you, there'd be nothing left for you to talk about."

"Huh?" Everyone asked at the same time.

"You know," Hale stumbled, trying to explain himself. "Cause all she ever does is talk shit? No one else got that? Nothin?" The others just looked at him with something approaching pity. "Aw, hell with all of you."

"It's okay, Hale." Kenzi clapped him on the back. "From now on, leave the snark to the pros, yeah?" She led him to the bed, where he and Dyson took up the remaining space.

"Did you find us transport?" Ciara asked.

"Well, it has four wheels and it moves. So, yes," Dyson replied, cryptically. "We leave in three hours. Lauren, you did most of the research, how about a rundown?"

"Right." Lauren stood and cleared her throat. She assumed her professional air. "Our location today is the Basilica I Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Familia, more commonly known as just the Sagrada Familia. It's a large, uniquely conceptual Roman Catholic church, designed in a semi-Gothic fashion by the architect Antoni Gaudi…"

"He also designed the Casa Mila," Bo added, knowledgeably. "And the Park Guell. And the Casa…uh…the Casa…oh, the Casa Balki!"

"Balki?" Hale chuckled.

"Two out of three ain't bad," Dyson teased. "We should do the Dance of Joy!"

"I don't think I'm comfortable with that," Hale said. "These two ladies are still just Perfect Strangers to us, after all."

Lauren sighed. "Dyson and Hale, your inexplicable knowledge of 80s sitcoms never ceases to amaze."

Dyson smirked. "What can I say? It was a good decade. I felt like I was…standing tall, on the wings of my dreams…"

Bo and Kenzi looked at each other, impossibly confused.

"Just YouTube it later," Lauren told them. "Now, can we get back to the job at hand?"

"Hardass," Hale muttered.

"Anyway, construction on the Sagrada Familia began in 1882, relying entirely on private donations. With the exception of the Spanish Civil War, it has been in a near constant state of construction ever since. It's not scheduled for completion until 2026, which means we'll be dodging cranes and power tools as well as security cameras and guards."

Kenzi frowned. "Why does a church need security cameras?"

"To keep people from stealing things," Bo replied.

Kenzi scoffed. "Like what? Sour wine and vanilla wafers?"

"You're going to Hell, you know that?"

"Actually," Lauren interrupted before things could get out of hand again, "Catholic churches in Europe have always been repositories for priceless art and historical artifacts. The church as an institution has amassed an untold fortune in gold and priceless jewels, all of which must be stored somewhere." She reached into her back, and pulled out a set of blueprints. She laid them on the bed, between her teammates. "I found these in the Barcelona Agency for Urban Development database. They would seem to indicate nothing out of the ordinary. However," she unrolled another long sheet of paper, "the Light conducted a clandestine survey of this area over twenty years ago. Utilizing Differential Acoustic Resonance Spectroscopy and a young Fae girl who could turn invisible and walk through walls, they determined that there are nearly six miles of passageways and vault space underneath the Sagrada Familia."

"Why do the Light care about a bunch of human gold?" Bo asked.

"They care because this particular church is thought to have strong associations with three of the five Dark Fae royal families. Alphonse de Campolisto, head of the Oscuro Family, was one of the chief financial contributors in the early days of construction."

"Ooh, ooh!" Kenzi raised her hand.

"…yes?" Lauren raised an eyebrow.

"Oscuro means 'dark' in Spanish. Senor Douglas, ninth grade, C-plus, baby. Holla!" Kenzi victoriously raised the roof.

"Thank you, for that valuable insight." Lauren could not keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "It has long been suspected that the vaults beneath the Sagrada Familia function as a giant safety deposit box for the Dark Fae of continental Europe. In addition, it was Oscuro's ancestor, Father Paulo de Rincon, who famously possessed and used the Cordoba Shackles – the freaky handcuffs," she added, for Bo and Kenzi's benefit, "during the latter years of the Spanish Inquisition. For these and other reasons, we're 95 percent sure that the shackles can be found here."

Ciara frowned. "There is one rather glaring problem. There are, as you say, six miles of tunnels under the church. How on earth do we find one small set of handcuffs?"

"With this." Lauren picked up the centaur remains between two fingers.

"Oh, the humanity!" Kenzi recoiled.

"Centaur testicle, also known as Gorthencya. Worth more than this hotel. It has many uses, one of which is a tracking device. Grind it up into a fine powder, speak an incantation followed by the name of the object you're looking for. Then just blow, and follow the dust cloud. Simple."

Kenzi looked like she might horf. "What sick, perverted, Fae Wizard freak figured that shit out?"

Lauren placed the Gorthencya in a small case, then returned it to her bag. "Actually it was Leonardo da Vinci, back in 1483. He really was much more than a painter."

"You're gonna wash those hands, right?"

Lauren rolled her eyes. "That Gorthencya is two hundred years old. And it's been sanitized."

Bo's mouth curled down in disgust. "You didn't answer her question, Lauren."

"Oh for the sake of fuck," Lauren threw up her arms and stomped into Dyson's bathroom. They heard the sound of rushing water. "If you knew all the places these hands have been, Succubus, you'd never let me touch you again!"

"Oh yeah? Well…ditto!" Bo shouted back.

The room dropped into an uncomfortable silence. Dyson shook his head. "That was the most inane argument I've heard in centuries."

"Was that an argument?" Bo wondered. "Really?"

"Yes. A dumb one."

"Huh." Bo's eyes widened in amazement. She'd never been with one of her sexual partners long enough to have an argument before. How exciting! She shot up off the bed and ran to the bathroom, where Lauren was drying her hands. "Hey guess what? We just had our first fight!"

Lauren narrowed her eyes. "Congratulations?"

"Don't you understand? This is great! We need to celebrate!" Bo's eyes flashed blue, and she slammed the door shut with her foot. Before she knew what was happening Lauren was pinned against the towel rack, her lips under tactile assault from a suddenly ravenous Succubus.

"Oh no!" Dyson shouted. "Not in my bathroom, you don't!" He slammed his palm against the door. "Bo! You keep those pants ON, do you hear me!"

Ciara, Hale and Kenzi looked at each other, and burst into peals of laughter. Ciara wiped her eyes, as Dyson pounded on the bathroom door. "I told you. First date. First fight. It's only a matter of time before they're buying hers and hers bathrobes and weekending at their cottage by the lake."

"Well shit," Kenzi said. "I might have to invest in some soundproof walls. Or, you know, walls. Period."

"I'm coming in!" Dyson warned. He took a step back, and rammed all his weight against the door. The wood frame snapped, and he fell in, slamming his head against the toilet seat and hitting the ground at the feet of one very hungry Succubus and one very embarrassed Doctor. "Owwww…" he groaned, seeing stars.

Hale grinned. "It's like a wacky 80s sitcom, and we're the live studio audience."

"Where's the popcorn when you need it?" Kenzi added. They couldn't see what was going on in the bathroom, but they could hear it.

"You're bleeding. Let me take a look," Lauren said.

"Don't touch it! It hurts!"

Bo scoffed. "I thought you were a wolf, not a chicken."

"I will kill you, Succubus."

"Sure, after you recover from your 'owie'."

"Bo? You're not helping."

"Just let me handle it, Lauren. I can fix him in two seconds."

"I said don't touch me!"

"Why, afraid you might like it?"

"Bo!"

"Sorry Doc. Instinct. It's a bitch."

"So are you," Dyson spat.

"Hey!" There was a loud thump, and another growl of pain.

"You KICKED me!"

"You DESERVED it!"

"Get OUT!" Lauren shouted, as Bo stumbled out of the bathroom and the door slammed behind her.

"She pushed me!" Bo told the audience, indignant. Though it was hard to take her seriously with her leather pants pooled around her ankles.

"Cue the laugh track?" Kenzi asked.

"Cue the laugh track," Hale and Ciara agreed. The three of them broke out in uncontrollable snorts and guffaws, as Bo snatched her pants back up to her waist and Dyson howled in pain from the bathroom.