Chapter 23 – Diversions with a Capital "D"
Bo tapped Dyson's shoulder. "If you'd just let me fix it…"
"Fuck. Off." Dyson pouted from the driver's seat, arms crossed, staring out the window. A comically large and thick bandage covered the cut on his forehead.
"Fine,"Bo snapped. She plopped back in her seat.
Lauren frowned. Bo had accidentally bumped her chair, again. That was the third time. The rental was much too small for six people and all their gear.
"Where did you even find this hunk of junk?" Bo asked, referring to their beat up, dark blue, rusted out van. "I mean, I own a hunk of junk, and even my car wouldn't be caught dead at a drive-in with this thing. I thought Europeans all drove Fiats and Mercedes-es."
"Yeah well, creepy European stalkers need wheels too." Kenzi hovered over Lauren's shoulder, watching her as she worked. "I'm not surprised the Big Bad Wolf knew where to get one."
"One more crack like that, and you're out," Dyson growled. "Any luck, Lauren?"
"Still working on it." She leaned in close to the screen, scanning through endless lines of code. This being an international snatch-and-dash, she didn't have her usual assortment of surveillance equipment and monitors. Airlines charged an Octopede's worth of arms and legs for extra baggage. As Kenzi watched her every move, breathing a heady mix of stale alcohol and Fresh Mint Tic Tacs on her neck, Lauren reflected that she was dealing with enough extra baggage already.
No, all Lauren had for this job was her laptop and her wits. Which, granted, still made her a formidable human.
"Yes!" She slapped her hand on the car seat, and a whisp of what she hoped was just dust (and not powdered Rohypnol) flew into the air. Thirty-two tiny displays popped up on the eighteen inch laptop screen. "I'm in!" She enlarged one of the monitors to full size. A Japanese tour group wandered through the cathedral nave, snapping photos. Lauren could hear their tour guide shouting 'hayaku, hayaku!' Hurry, hurry. She cracked her knuckles. "Full video and audio capabilities, at our disposal."
"Any sign of Hale and Ciara?" Dyson asked.
Lauren minimized the transcept monitor, and the 32 smaller cams re-emerged. "The images are too small to pick out individual faces. COMs are going to be vital on this one. I'll need audio cues from you as you move throughout. As for visual in the tunnels…" she dug around in her duffel bag, "one of you lucky treasure hunters gets to wear this." Lauren pulled out a beanie with a three inch wide, one inch thick camera perched on top.
"Not it!" Bo and Kenzi shouted at the same time.
Lauren grinned at Dyson, handing him the hat. "Happy hunting." He looked at it like it was carrying infectious diseases from a thousand contagious Fae.
"Hey, it's a wolf cam!" Kenzi shouted with glee. "Just try to keep your nose away from your crotch, and we'll be all good."
"Who's sticking whose nose in whose crotch?" Hale's voice rang out over the cheap laptop speakers.
"No one, unless you buy me a drink first," Bo quipped.
"A'ight, let's do it," Hale joked. He and Ciara were scouting the interior of the Sagrada Familia, searching for the entrance to the underground tunnels. It was late evening, but the building was still packed with tourists gawking up at the crazy geometric shapes on the ceiling and walls. If Lauren had been inside with them, she could have told them that the shapes were hyperboloids, paraboloids, helicoids, and conoids. A large portion of the cathedral, including the apse and the staircase leading down to the crypt, was closed for construction. A huge, bright yellow Caterpillar crane took up the space where the altar should be.
"Hey Doc," Hale continued, "Do you think my Siren skills would work through the speaker? Like, if I was going to sing into this microphone, could I get you to take your top off?"
"No," Lauren replied, dryly. "The influence you exert through your voice is predominantly based on directed waves and vibrations. The source of the sound, you, transfers the vibrations of rhythm to your surrounding area, disturbing the air in a regular, periodic way; these disturbances are picked up by your victim's ear. If this is done indirectly, as via a recording, the resulting waves do not have the umpfh to make much of a difference."
"That's a scientific term," Kenzi said. "Umpfh. You can measure it in units of kapow."
"Where are you, anyway?" Lauren asked. "I can't find you on the monitors."
"We're following along the East side of the nave, by the Nativity Façade," Ciara chimed in. Lauren located the closest security camera. She spotted Hale's old man hat and pulled the shot up wide.
Hale groaned. "I've been whistling at walls and floors for twenty minutes, guys. The bounceback signatures have all been the same – solid. I can't find the entrance. And my lips are starting to hurt."
"What, they don't' get enough practice?" Kenzi teased. "No kissy kissy for the Whistling Dixie?"
"Hey, I get more action in a week than you've ever had in your life."
"Don't believe him," Lauren cut in. "He's just a blow hard."
"Oh SNAP!" Kenzi reached out and slapped Lauren five. "Two points for the Doctor."
"How is it that I ended up the butt of everybody's jokes?" Hale wondered.
Dyson grinned. "It's hard to take a male siren seriously, you know that. You're more 'cockatiel' than 'cock of the walk'."
"More 'robin' than Batman," Bo added.
Kenzi laughed. "And do you wear those hats all the time because you think you're stylin', or because you're a balding eagle?"
"Enough!" Hale shouted, with a force that knocked down all the tourists in a five meter radius. "Oops." He surveyed the damage, as three quarters of the Japanese tour group rolled on the ground, groaning, dizzy and confused.
"Step away," Ciara grabbed his arm. "Slowly. Nonchalantly. We saw nothing."
"You're damn right, we see nothing," Hale grumbled. "This whole trip was pointless."
"Why don't you guys move away from the main tourist areas? They wouldn't put a trap door in a place where any idiot with a camera and a fanny pack could open it by mistake," Bo said.
"Unfortunately, too much of the interior is still under construction. Half of this place is roped off," Ciara said. "I can zip right in unseen, but not Hale. And there are too many people milling about to 'Siren Sing' all of them into submission."
Kenzi tapped her chin, and looked at Bo. "What we need…is a diversion."
"Oooooh no." Bo shook her head. "This isn't gonna be like the Winnipeg job. I'm not doing a strip tease in a church."
"Nobody's asking you to strip. Gawd, Bo. Any excuse to take your clothes off…"
"Says the girl who sings Lady Gaga naked in front of her bedroom mirror every morning." Bo rolled her eyes.
"Hey! Love of one's own skin and a positive self-image is important! I may be a tiny stick figure with no boobage, but I was born this way, baby!" Kenzi pumped her fist in the air. "Wait…that's it! Nerd girl!" She turned to Lauren.
"…yes?"
"COM me!" Kenzi stuck her hand out, and a bemused Lauren placed a microphone headset into Kenzi's open palm. "Can you hack the PA system from here? And the lights?"
Lauren pecked briefly at the keyboard, pulling up a few new windows filled with symbols and numbers. "Yes. But I'd love to know where you're going with this."
Kenzi pulled her iPod out of her jacket pocket and handed it to Lauren. "When I give you the signal, play song number four on the Bootylicious Karaoke mix."
Lauren mouthed silently, "Bootylicious?"
"BoBo, you're coming with me." Kenzi slid open the van door, and pulled a very confused Succubus out with her. "You're my bouncer. If anyone comes near me, I don't care if it's a guard or a crazed groupie, you need to calm them down. Or knock their asses out, if you have to." She donned a pair of aviators, and popped the collar of her leather jacket.
"But what are you doing?" Bo asked, as Kenzi clipped on the COM set.
"Babycakes, we're doing what I do best. Being fabulous, and creating a diversion." Kenzi winked, and dragged Bo the two blocks to the Sagrada Familia.
Serena sat in an inconspicuous blue Fiat. The Succubus and the human walked right by, unnoticing. Through dumb luck, The Ash had chosen her to scout out the Doc Squad, and determine their worth. She'd placed a bug on the bumper of their crack van hours ago, and so far had heard the entire conversation. Strippers and birds and Lady Gaga. Obviously these people were amateurs. They couldn't be less of a threat to her.
That would not be the story she would feed the Ash. She would talk them up, call them the perfect team for the job. Consummate professionals, highly skilled thieves. She would lie straight out of her toned, sexy ass.
She gunned the engine and pulled away. No point in staying to witness any more nonsense, when there was a beach nearby, with Pina Coladas and lots of sexy Spanish hunks to oogle.
Bo paced back in forth in front of the crane. "Kenzi!" She whispered to the sky. "Have you lost your mind?" But Kenzi was well outside of earshot, channeling Spiderman as she scaled the crane arm. Bo watched, arms stretched out, ready to try and catch her roommate in the likely event that Kenzi plunged 40 feet to her demise.
Bo let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding as Kenzi reached the top and swung one leg, then the other, overtop of the rails of a scaffold attached to a huge stained glass window. So far, only a sculptor had noticed, and Bo was able to take him out easily with one brush to an unshaven cheek.
"Can you hear me, Doc?" Kenzi asked, as she steadied herself on the wood planks of the scaffold.
"I can hear you, but I really don't think…"
"Then don't think. Hale, get ready for the diversion of your life. Thundercrotch, hit me with a spotlight and push play."
Lauren took a deep breath. She had to remind herself that she'd asked for this. She wanted Bo and Kenzi on her team. This was all her idea.
But this had not been what she was expecting. She said a silent prayer to no one in particular, and gave the mouse two clicks.
The lights in the cathedral went dark. All around Bo, people murmured their confusion in every language under the sun. And then from high above, a single high pitched voice, magnified by the church's audio system, rang out through the rafters.
"It doesn't matter if you love him…or capital H-I-M."
"Oh no," Bo whispered. "No, no, no…"
Lauren clicked the mouse again, and a single floodlight above the crane shone down on Kenzi like a beam from heaven. Kenzi, her face mostly hidden under the huge pair of sunglasses, raised a fist in the air.
"Just put your paws up…Cause you were born this way, baby!" Kenzi shouted, as every single face in the cathedral turned in her direction. Suddenly, the speakers blasted to life with a pop beat to back the vocals of one truly outrageous, undeniably extraordinary human. "Come on!"
Kenzi clapped her hands, stomped her feet, and roared her way into the first verse. "My momma told me when I was young, we are all born superstars…"
Bo looked around. She was shocked to see people were bobbing their heads, smiling, clapping along with Kenzi. Well, most of them. Bo could clearly see a small army of security personnel barreling her way. She cracked her knuckles. Time to go to work.
"There's nothin wrong with loving who you are, she said cause he made you perfect babe…"
"What the HELL?" Hale whispered.
"Let's go!" Ciara grabbed his arm, but his face never left Kenzi as Ciara dragged him under the ropes, to the closed off portion of the Sagrada Familia cathedral. "Can you still pick up audio clues over the synth?"
"Of course. I got this." Hale ripped his eyes away from an unexpectedly talented Kenzi, puckered his lips, and went back to whistling while he worked.
"I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track baby I was born this way!"
"You know," Lauren chuckled to Dyson, "this is actually an appropriate song choice for a cathedral."
Dyson still couldn't believe what he was witnessing. "Lauren…how could we have let this happen?"
"It's working, isn't it? No one's paying attention to Hale." She clapped him on the back.
"Don't be a drag, just be a queen…"
As Kenzi strutted, danced, and pulled "Vogue" poses to a now bouncing, lip synching crowd, Bo was starting to sweat. Guards continued to stream toward the crane, only to stumble confusedly away after Bo finished with them. Exerting her influence and thralling them all was making her incredibly hungry. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep this up.
"I think I might have found something!" Hale shouted over the racket, stepping into the left sacristy. "Stay tuned you guys, I want to make sure…"
"A different lover is not a sin, believe capital H-I-M!"
Lauren looked at Dyson again, and grinned from ear to ear. "Dyson?"
"What?"
"You're tapping your fingers."
"I am not!" He snatched his hands away from the dashboard, and tucked them under his armpits.
"Mi amore vole fe yah!"
"Yes!" Hale shouted, triumphantly. He stood behind one of the administrative desks. "Found it! The entrance is just behind this bookshelf!"
"Great," Lauren marked the spot on her map. "Bo and Hale, get out of there, before you get arrested. Dyson, pull the van out front to pick them up. Ciara, can you snatch Kenzi?"
"Yes ma'am."
"I was born this wa-ay, I was born this wa-ay, I'm on the right track baby I was born this wa-HEY!" Kenzi's final 'ay' was cut off as Ciara appeared on the scaffold and wrapped her arms around Kenzi's waist. They shimmered and disappeared, reappearing on the floor. "Thank you Barcelona!" she shouted, her voice trailing off as one leap later they were at the exits. One more leap and they were outside. The next thing she knew Kenzi found herself back in the van, the sliding door slamming shut behind her, as Hale and Bo plopped down on either side and Dyson peeled off into the Barcelona streets.
Hale looked back and forth between Kenzi and Bo. "You two…damn. That shit was…damn."
"Very elegantly put," Lauren teased from the passenger seat. "But really. That plan seemed unnecessary and complicated."
"Not to mention unrealistic and convoluted," Dyson added.
"Dangerous and impractical," Ciara chimed in.
"Psychotic and dumb," Bo muttered, still panting, trying to get her energy levels up.
"Of course it was." Kenzi rolled her eyes at the statements of the obvious. "It was also fun as hell, and not at all boring. And it got the job done. Now…who wants an encore?"
"No!" They all shouted at once.
"Everyone's a critic." Kenzi chuckled, good-naturedly. She bopped up and down in her seat, dancing to the music in her head.