CHAPTER FIVE

The laughter echoed around the room as Alan told of his latest encounter with Gary. Gillian and Robbie had invited Celia, Alan and Caroline over for lunch. It had been quite a while since Caroline had been here. The chat and the laughter were flowing freely around the table and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, everyone except Caroline. On the outside she was joining in the conversation and laughing in all the appropriate places, but it was all an act. She had her misgivings about coming here today, she really didn't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone but it had been a long standing arrangement and she reasoned that it would be better than she thought and it might make her feel better. It wasn't and she didn't.

All she could think about was Kate. That was all she had been able to think about for days since the morning after their night together. As Alan started another one of his stories she allowed her mind to wander back to the scene in Kate's kitchen. She had gone over their conversation over and over again.

/

"We can't do this Caroline."

Caroline looked at Kate in disbelief. At first she didn't register what she had said, but then slowly it dawned on her.

"What do you mean?" She asked as a feeling of dread suddenly gripped her and shot through her body.

"We can't do this," she repeated.

Caroline moved closer to her, she reached her hand out to touch her arm but Kate flinched.

"Don't please," she said.

"Kate what's wrong?"

Kate closed her eyes as if trying to hold back the tears, the longer this continued the harder it was going to be for her to say no to Caroline.

"I can't put myself through this again. More importantly I can't put Flora through it."

"Through what?"

"Us."

"Us," Caroline repeated.

"No that's not right, I don't mean us, I mean everything that surrounds us. All the baggage. If it was just us there wouldn't be a problem. Nothing has changed has it? John is still around, Lawrence, Celia. I found that atmosphere difficult and I'm certainly not going to subject my daughter to it."

"Kate, we can sort all of that out," there was a hint of desperation in Caroline's voice.

"Like we did last time."

Caroline was stumped. She was right they hadn't made a very good job of working through their problems and the obstacles that were in the way of their relationship. She walked over to Kate; she needed to touch her, to feel her skin under her fingers. When she reached out to her she didn't move away. She let her press her body close to her own.

"I know you want me Kate," she caressed her cheek as she said it.

"Caroline I've always wanted you from the first moment I saw you. That's not the issue," said Kate as she took Caroline's hand off her face and gently held it.

"So what is the issue? We can talk about it can't we? I've changed Kate; I'm not the same person anymore."

Kate moved away again breaking their contact. Caroline thought this must be what it feels like to be drowning; no matter what you do in your struggle for air eventually you will end up having to face the inevitable.

"How many people at work know you're gay?" Kate asked. Caroline was surprised by her question.

"What?"

"In fact how many people know you are divorced from John?"

"Well, that's, you know I don't like to discuss personal issues at work."

"I'm not suggesting you shout it from the rooftops Caroline, its just you said you'd changed."

"Okay look I'll admit I got things wrong last time," she felt like this conversation was slipping away from her.

"We both did, it wasn't just you."

"That's why things will be different this time, we can learn from our experiences and not repeat our mistakes."

"So what would happen, you would want me to move in to your house, where we would live down the hall from your ex husband and next door would be your homophobic Mother with her constant comments and continual undermining of our relationship. I can't put myself back into that environment and I certainly won't expose Flora to it."

Caroline stood in the middle of the kitchen absorbing Kate's words, she felt like all of her energy had evaporated from her body. She wanted to argue but she couldn't because everything Kate had said was true. She had a decision to make, she could stay and try to persuade Kate that she had changed but she was doubtful it would have any effect on her, or she could leave and work out a way to make Kate see that things would be different the second time around. She was going to take steps to change her life and prove to Kate she had changed. So she left Kate's house but she did so with a determination that this was not the end.

/

"Caroline you haven't heard a word I've said," Gillian was waving a tea towel in front of Caroline's face.

"Mmm."

"What did I just say?"

"I don't know I wasn't listening."

"What's wrong with you today? You seem preoccupied."

Caroline thought about telling her about seeing Kate again but before she could open her mouth to speak Gillian was talking again.

"Anyway, I'm glad I've got you on your own." Soon after lunch Robbie had gone to work and Celia and Alan had gone into the living room to watch some TV. Caroline had volunteered to help Gillian clear up.

"I wanted to tell you something," Gillian had lowered her voice slightly, she didn't want Celia and Alan to hear what she was about to say.

Caroline carried on clearing the table, carrying the dishes to the sink.

"John came round last week." Something in her tone suggested to Caroline that she was about to tell her something she had heard before. She focused all her attention on Gillian.

"Robbie was at work and well he just turned up unannounced and one thing led to another."

"Oh no don't tell me anymore," Caroline held her hand up to stop her, "I don't want to hear the details." She could never work out why Gillian felt the need to tell her every minute detail of her encounters.

"It's John, aren't you interested?"

"No I couldn't care less what he does and I certainly don't want to know what he gets up to with you," she sounded like a snotty bitch again but Gillian always seemed to bring that out in her.

"Yeah well it's not so much what he does but what he says that is so interesting," Gillian carried on regardless.

"I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that one," Caroline said sarcastically.

"He wants you back Caroline."

Caroline laughed out loud and stopped wiping the table, not in shock at what Gillian said but in frustration that this subject kept coming up. "He proved that by having sex with you."

"We didn't have sex," Gillian protested.

"Whatever you call it, I don't want him back and besides has everyone forgotten, I'm a lesbian," it was the first time Caroline had said it out loud to Gillian and she found herself smiling.

"There's been no one since Kate though has there and you and John do still live together."

Caroline stared at her. Did people think that she had been pretending with Kate? Did they think she was biding her time but eventually she would go back to John again? She thought back to Kate's words, she told her that she wouldn't want to move back into the house with John and Celia there. Caroline had tried to put herself in Kate's shoes and realised that she wouldn't want to live with all of her baggage either so she really couldn't blame Kate for how she felt. She was going to change her life and prove to Kate that she was worthy of a second chance.

"We do still live in the same house but not for…" She was about to say 'not for much longer,' when Celia walked in and interrupted them.

"Any chance of some tea love?"

"Of course, I'll bring it in." Celia left the room and Gillian looked at Caroline. She could sense her annoyance; she hated it when she upset her.

"Anyway," said Caroline," you're the married woman. Why do you even let John in?" Gillian's behaviour always baffled her.

"Nothing happened; we just had a bit of a snog on the settee." She said it so casually as if she was talking about having a cup of tea with someone. Caroline didn't understand Gillian when she spoke like this and she suspected she never would.

As Gillian served up the tea she looked at Caroline out the corner of her eye, she still seemed unhappy but then she had looked like that since she first arrived.

"Are we okay?"

"We're fine," Caroline picked up two mugs of tea and walked into the living room with them.

Gillian wasn't convinced by her reply but she followed her, thinking she would talk to her later and sort this out.

Caroline sat down and was about to take a sip of her tea when her phone rang.

"That's me Mum," she said when she saw her Mother looking around for the source of the ring.

She looked at the caller ID. It was Kate. Her heart almost stopped. She wanted to get up and go somewhere more private but she didn't think her legs would support her.

"Hello," she said tentatively.

"Hello, is that Caroline?" The voice on the other end of the line was not the one she was expecting.

"Yes this is Caroline."

"It's Sarah," the mystery voice said.

"Yes," said Caroline uncertainly, still not sure who was speaking.

"We met before at Kate's house," Sarah realised Caroline didn't know who she was, "I was babysitting Flora."

"Oh of course. Sarah how are you?" Caroline asked wondering why Sarah was phoning her using Kate's phone.

"I'm sorry to disturb you but I didn't know who else to phone."

"That's alright, you're not disturbing me. What's wrong?" Convinced now that something had happened.

"It's Kate, there's been an accident and she's in hospital."

oOo

Caroline strode purposefully through the corridors of St Margaret's hospital following the directions to Ward 8 that the receptionist had given her. When she had received the call from Sarah she had left immediately. Her Mother wanted to know what was going on so she told her. When she mentioned Kate's name both Gillian and Alan had looked up in surprise, but Caroline didn't care she was too concerned with Kate.

She had managed to get Sarah to tell her exactly what had happened. She had been driving home from shopping and a car jumped a red light and hit Kate. Thank God Flora had not been with her. She was conscious but she had broken her leg and she had concussion. Sarah hadn't known what to do so she phoned Caroline. Caroline had immediately gone into automatic pilot, knowing she had to see Kate and make sure she was okay; she also made sure Flora was being taken care of by Sarah.

Once she had been buzzed inside the ward she was directed to a side room. She walked up to the room slowing her pace as she got closer and peered through the small window in the door. She stood there for a moment looking at Kate lying in the bed, Sarah was there with Flora. She was conscious and talking, Caroline breathed a sigh of relief. All sorts of scenarios had been running through her head since Sarah's phone call, all sorts of images of Kate in pain that she had to chase from her mind because she could not cope with thinking about them.

Caroline took a deep breath and entered the room.