Chapter 30 – Welcome to the Jungle
Bo fought desperately to keep from laughing, as Kenzi emerged from their shared bathroom at the Mwigmai Hostel and Outdoor Outfitters.
"Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" Bo managed to eke out. She covered her mouth with her hand so Kenzi wouldn't see the cheshire cat grin on her face.
"I hate khaki." Kenzi brushed a stray bit of thread from her brand new slacks. "It's too light. Why don't they make expedition khaki in dark colors?" She snapped her fingers. "That's how I'll make my first million. Create a new line and call it, 'Blahki.' Outdoor wear for your inner goth."
"Spin around, so I can get the full idea." Bo twirled her finger. Kenzi groaned, but complied. She was done up in a baggy pair of convertible khaki pants, with the legs tucked into a heavy, brown pair of hiking boots. Her shirt, also khaki, had more pockets than one human being could ever need, with a pair of sleeves that hung past Kenzi's thumbs when she straightened her arms. In contrast to the tight clothing Kenzi was so fond of, everything here was baggy and way too big. It made her look like an anorexic brown elephant. To top off the ensemble, she had a khaki colored pith helmet plopped on her head, the brim hiding her eyes.
Bo giggled. "You look like a cartoon explorer from the 1800s."
"It's the helmet, right? It's too much." Kenzi took off the headgear and tossed it in the corner, where their backpacks and trekking poles were already stashed. "The Doc said I needed it, to protect my head from the sun. And she said something about spiders the size of gophers getting tangled up in my hair." Kenzi shivered at the thought.
"I think Lauren made that second part up," Bo teased, getting up from her chair to do one last check of the gear. "Do you have sunscreen?"
Kenzi rummaged in one of her shirt pockets, and pulled out a small tube. "SPF100. Total protection for the discerning pasty white girl." Kenzi frowned at Bo. "Aren't you getting dressed? Lauren says we're leaving in a half hour."
"What do you mean? I am dressed."
Kenzi scoffed. "Bo. You're wearing a black tank top and a pair of shorts that would be illegal in most countries. This is a three day hike in the jungle, not turning tricks on the street corner. What about the mosquitos and snakes and shit?"
"I'm a Fae. I heal." Bo shrugged. "Besides, I'm wearing hiking boots. That's jungle-y."
"When the Doc sees you she's gonna be pissed. As soon as she puts her tongue back in her mouth."
Bo pulled out a pair of long pants from her bag. Kenzi was probably right…yes Bo could heal, but bug bites and poisonous plants were still pretty unpleasant. "I don't see why we couldn't just book direct with that Fae travel agent, and save ourselves the trouble of a long hike."
Kenzi rolled her eyes. "Probably because you Succ-ked her, then never called her back."
"Really?" Bo and Kenzi spun around to see Lauren standing in the doorway, arms folded over her chest, an unreadable expression shrouding her face. "You banged the travel lady?"
"Well it wasn't a 'bang'," Bo grinned. "It was more like a pop. Like a BB gun. It wasn't a Grade A bunker busting Stark Industries style laser canon, like what you have."
Kenzi scoffed. "If your vaginas are packing heat, I hope you use armor plated dental dams."
Lauren rolled her eyes. "As interested as I am to hear more about Bo's sexual history, the reason we didn't use the travel agent is because The Ash doesn't want anyone to know we're here. So we're trekking the old fashioned way. Are you two ready to go? We need to move before it starts to get dark outside, unless you want to spend the night in the open air with the pythons and mambas…" she stared blankly at Bo. "Is that really what you're wearing?"
"I told you!" Kenzi stood up and grabbed her pack. "Put some pants on you slut, and let's get outta here."
"You know, Kenzi," Lauren's tone turned gentle, "You really don't have to come along for this. We're going to be roughing it through the woods…you won't have a television, or video games, or phone reception, or running water…"
"I can be outdoorsy! I've been camping!"
Lauren raised an eyebrow.
"Once." Kenzi continued. "In our backyard. In my Lion King tent and sleeping bag. And yeah okay, I got scared and ran back inside but still…I was outdoorsy for like, 45 minutes. I got this." She stomped out of their shared hut and slammed the door.
Lauren and Bo looked at each other, and laughed. "Are you sure she can handle it?" Lauren asked.
"Hell, I'm not even sure if I can handle it." Bo slipped off her short shorts, and into a pair of khakis, Lauren watching her every move. Bo stood up straight and, for the first time, took a good look at the good doctor.
Lauren wore a pair of tan cargo pants, and a brown leather jacket overtop a beige shirt with the top three buttons undone. A canteen was strapped to the belt loop of her pants. In her hand she held a dark brown snap brim fedora.
Bo licked her lips. "Can you put that hat on?"
"What?" Lauren chuckled.
"Please?" Bo took a step forward.
Lauren shrugged, and put the capper on the ensemble. Bo exhaled. "You look like a sexy, blonde, female Indiana Jones. I didn't realize you could be any hotter…but this is a whole new level of fuckable."
Lauren laughed. "You think so? I'm surprised this stuff still fits. I bought it all when I came to the Congo six years ago. I guess my body hasn't changed all that much."
"Your body," Bo took a step forward, "is perfect. Every bit of you, from your arms to your thighs to your fingers and toes." Bo lifted Lauren's hand to her lips, and kissed it for effect.
Lauren sighed. "You exaggerate."
"I don't." Bo leaned forward and kissed Lauren's slender neck.
"Bo?" Lauren cleared her throat, determined to cut things off before she was thrown past the point of no return. "We really need to leave, now, if we want to make the riverbank by sundown."
"Fine." Bo pulled away, grinning. "But the next time I get you alone...I want you to wear that hat. And nothing but that hat." Bo slapped Lauren playfully on the butt, and walked to the corner to grab the bags.
Lauren rolled her eyes. "Would you at least put on a long sleeved shirt? I like having tickets to the gun show….but you need to be concerned about sunburn, bug bites, cuts or scratches that may become infected…"
Bo flung her backpack around her shoulders, ignoring Lauren's request. "It's not about the guns, Doc. I need to let the girls breathe." She gave one last look around the room. "What time is it?"
Now that Bo had drawn Lauren's attention to her cleavage, Lauren couldn't concentrate on anything else. Time? What time?
What was time?
"It's boobs o'clock." Lauren heard herself mumble.
A small, sideways grin spread over Bo's face. "What did you just say?"
Lauren's face reddened instantly, and tore her eyes away, kicking herself mentally for letting that phrase slip from her lips. She checked her watch. "It's almost eleven."
"But what did you say before that?" Bo followed, as Lauren headed for the door.
"Nothing. I said nothing."
"Really? Because I'm pretty sure I heard –" Bo was suddenly silenced, as Lauren turned, grabbed Bo's face between her palms, and laid a thick, desperate, please-shut-the-fuck-up kiss on the Succubus' pleasantly surprised lips.
Lauren pulled away and stared directly in Bo's eyes. "You heard nothing."
"Okay, okay." Bo laughed. "I heard nothing. Lead on, Doctor Jones."
Lauren grinned and put the hat on, playfully sliding her fingers across the brim. "Call me Indy. Now get your ass moving, Succubus. Don't make me crack the whip."
Lauren parked the Jeep 4x4 at the edge of a thicket of ferns. A grove of Kapok trees loomed above them, casting shadows over the entrance to a small trail through the vegetation. This is where the dirt road they'd been following for the past few hours came to an abrupt end. This is where they'd have to get out and start walking. Lauren was grateful, at least, for the sunlight. It was a rare thing to see in this area, this deep into the rainy season. She had a feeling their luck wouldn't hold out for the entire trip. She cut the ignition. Dyson pulled up beside her, and did the same.
The tension was palpable. For a moment, no one moved or spoke. They were all, each one of them, dealing with different levels of nervousness.
Finally Kenzi stood up in his backseat. She held something in her hand, but Lauren couldn't tell what it was. Ignoring the distraction for the time being, she, Bo, and Ciara got out of the car and started unpacking the camping gear. Beside them, Dyson, Hale and Kenzi were lugging backpacks from the Jeep. Lauren picked up a few snippets of their conversation.
"My babushka told me, 'Kenzi, you're such a little girl. When you're scared, you make yourself bigger. You scream, and you shout, and you let the thing you fear know that it should be afraid of you.' And then she passed out from the vodka, and I snatched it from her and ran into the basement to drink it…but still! Good advice."
"And that works?" Hale asked. "Because I don't want to be doing this. There's too much shit in there that can kill you. Snakes and shit. Not just regular, innocent, thirty foot pythons. I'm talking Fae serpents that can hypnotize you and suck out your insides and…what's that thing?" He asked, pointing, as Kenzi placed a box on the hood of the Jeep, and hit a button.
Lauren's ears perked up, as a familiar, echoing electric guitar blasted out through the tiny, but powerful, speakers. She grinned. She couldn't help it.
"Do you know where you are, Hale?" Kenzi asked.
"Uhhh. No?"
"You're in the jungle, baby. And you're gonna DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" Behind her, the guitar picked up, joined by drums, and a screaming Axl Rose. Kenzi hopped up on the roof, next to the portable stereo, banging her head and rocking out, shouting along to the first screaming, lyric free seconds of Guns and Roses – Welcome to the Jungle.
Lauren started tapping her foot. Beside her, Bo bobbed her head. And then, to everyone's surprise, proper British fairy queen Ciara got down and dirty and started to sing.
"Welcome to the jungle we've got fun and games! We got everything you want, honey we know the names!" She pointed to Lauren, and Lauren grinned widely and picked up the lyrics:
"We are the people that can find whatever you may need! If you got the money honey, we got your disease!" Lauren pointed to Bo, who screamed:
"In the jungle! Welcome to the jungle watch it bring it to your…"
"Shun-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knees, knees!" Dyson cut in with a howl. "Awooooo! I wanna watch you bleed!"
Kenzi leapt off the hood with a windmill slam on her air guitar. "Welcome to the jungle we take it day by day! If you want it you're gonna bleed but that's the price you pay!"
Lauren pulled Bo towards her. "And you're a very sexy girl, that's very hard to please. You can taste the bright lights but you won't get them for free."
Ciara sashayed next to the stereo, "In the jungle, welcome to the jungle! Hale?!"
"Feel my, my, my serpentine!" Hale finally gave in.
The entire Doc Squad yelled at the top of their lungs, "I WANNA HEAR YOU SCREAM!"
And somehow, in the middle of one of the most deadly and dangerous situations they'd ever faced, in a remote location in the middle of nowhere, Africa, their very serious expedition turned into a head banging, leaping, air drumming dance party. For a tension breaking four minutes and twenty-seven seconds, they rocked out and had some fun.
A mile away, from the cover of the bush, Serena pulled her binoculars from her eyes and handed them to Vex. A look of confusion covered her features, her eyes wide and mouth agape. "Tell me Vex, what does it look like they're doing?"
Vex put the binoculars up to his eyes, and grinned. "If I don't know any better, I'd say they were dancing. Looks like wolf boy is trying out for the Air Guitar World Championships. And the brunette might be dry humping the blonde. It's hard to tell from this angle."
Serena snatched the binoculars back, and looked through them again. "I thought so. What the hell is wrong with these people?"
"I quite like it." Vex chuckled. "A little bit of raunch, before the real work begins. Who doesn't love a little bit of raunch, am I right?" He thrust his hips toward Serena; she socked him in the face as a reply. They both jumped, as the Pain Eater came crashing through the bushes.
"I'm going to die here." He gasped, as opaque beads of sweat dripped down his forehead. "My kind are not meant for such climatessss. We like the cold. And the darknesssss." He coughed, and clutched at his chest with a clawed hand. "Ssssoooo….humid! Feelssss….like…drowning!"
Serena rolled her eyes, and pulled what looked like a giant fishbowl from her backpack. She plunked it, not at all gently, on top of the Pain Eater's head. The curved glass magnified his facial features and made his eyes bug out like…well, a bug. "Better?"
He took a few deep breaths, and his shoulders slumped with relief. "Yeeeeeeeesssssssssssss."
Vex made a disgusted face. "Mate, did you just come?"
The Pain Eater ignored Vex, turning instead to Serena. "What isss thisss wonderful contraption?"
She shrugged. "Something the boss gave me to help you breathe."
He sputtered angrily, and a spray of spittle clouded the glass. "Why did you not give it to me before?"
"I liked watching you suffer." She shrugged and took another long look through the binoculars. The Doc Squad had stopped flailing around, and looked to be getting back to the business of prepping for the long hike. "Showtime," Serena muttered. "Remember, we're staying at least a mile and a half behind, at all times. They should be easy enough to track through all the bushes and the mud. The wolf has world class hearing, so at least try not to make a lot of noise when you walk." Serena and Vex stared at the Pain Eater, who sheepishly did his best to pull his robe over his massive feet.
"And they're off," Vex said, as he watched the distant, tiny forms of their rivals disappear into the green mass of the Congo Rainforest.
A/N: If you want a chuckle, go to YouTube and play the song "Welcome to the Jungle" while picturing it sung by the characters of Lost Girl. If that doesn't make you grin, I don't know what will. I particularly suspect that Bo would do a great job with the Axl Rose 'heavy breathing' portion of the song.