Chapter 31 – Superfreak
Congo Rainforest. Day 1. 5pm.
"Have you ever stopped and thought about how ridiculous our lives are?" Kenzi opined, as she munched on a Cheeto.
Bo frowned. Her arms were covered in mud and sweat, muscles straining as she fought her way through a forest of mangroves. "Not really, but I think it's ridiculous that I'm waving a machete around the jungle hacking trees and leaves, while you're walking behind me, eating junk food, and contributing nothing to the group but bullshit observations."
"It's not bullshit, it's truth. And I'm drafting. I get in your slipstream, so I don't use up all my weak human energy. It's called ae...uh…shit, what's it called. Doc?"
"It's called aerodynamics. But in your case, I'd call it 'being lazy.'" Lauren bent over, hands on her knees, gulping in the humid jungle air. The atmosphere was so thick she felt she might be better off drinking it than breathing it. She flung her machete downward in frustration; it wedged itself six inches into the muddy ground.
"I thought you were supposed to be Indiana Jones' Tarzan wannabe jungle wife." Bo teased, unhooking a water bottle from her pack and tossing it at Lauren. "You should be used to this."
"Yeah well, I've had many long years of relative comfort in an air conditioned lab." She drank deeply from the bottle, and wiped her mouth. "It takes more than a few hours to recondition oneself for field work."
"This feels like a hell of a lot more than a few hours." Hale gasped, crashing through the bushes to catch up with the ladies. "It feels like we've been walking for three months."
Lauren frowned. "That was an oddly specific time frame."
"Three months huh?" Kenzi said, raising an eyebrow. "Do you want a medal or a plaque for your 'Exaggerator of the Week' award? I bet it would look really nice on your mantelpiece next to the Flo Rida Memorial Whistle Baby Championship trophy."
"I'm with them. You need to shut up and start doing some work, shorty." Hale tossed his machete at Kenzi's feet, then whipped his t-shirt off. He dabbed at his sweaty forehead with the cloth.
"Um….hello there, muscles," Kenzi muttered, suddenly transfixed by the sight of Hale's sculpted torso. "I don't think we've been properly introduced – my name is Kenzi."
"Girl, what the hell are you talking a-ooooh." Realization hit Hale, and he grinned. "You like that, huh? You like my twelve pack?" Kenzi simply nodded her response and continued to stare.
"Are you flexing?" Lauren asked, trying to suppress a laugh.
"Gotta give her the full effect, don't I?" Hale lifted his hands above his head, to show off his abs in all their glory. "Aw yeah."
"Kenzi?" Bo poked her friend in the shoulder, but Kenzi didn't seem to notice.
"Yes. Mama like…" Kenzi muttered under her breath. Hale swung his shirt over his head and spun around, shaking his butt like a male stripper.
"Oh my god," Lauren facepalmed.
Just at that moment, Ciara and Dyson emerged from a grove of trees. They'd gotten ahead of the rest of the group, and were doubling back to check and make sure everything was okay. Dyson surveyed the scene as Kenzi walked up to Hale and started rubbing his abs. Dyson wasn't sure that 'okay' was the right word to describe the scene. "Hey bro, there's a dollar in it for you if you take your pants off!"
"Make it ten and you've got yourself a deal." Hale accentuated each word with a thrust of his hips.
"Does anyone have a ten spot?" Kenzi asked, palm outstretched. "Anyone who can help a sister out?"
"Kenz." Bo whispered. "You gotta snap out of this, you're embarrassing yourself."
"What, you're allowed to go around looking at Lauren like she's made out of bacon, but I can't enjoy the sight of true abdominal greatness?"
"Oi! Magic Mike!" Ciara shouted. "As much as I'm loving the show, put your clothes back on and get moving. We only have a few hours of daylight left."
"Awwww," Kenzi groaned, as Hale pulled his shirt back on.
"Hey, just so you know," Hale clapped her on the shoulder. "I'm available for private viewings and shows. Just say the word." He winked and limped toward Dyson and Ciara, following them into the underbrush. Lauren watched them go.
"That was weird." She took one last sip of water, then hiked up her backpack.
Bo grinned. "You know, if you wanted to take your shirt off and dance around a little bit, I wouldn't mind."
Lauren rolled her eyes and strapped the pack around her waist. "You're going to need a lot more than ten dollars to make me do that. I don't come cheap."
Bo slunk toward Lauren, and made a big show about unstrapping Lauren's pack. She ran a finger along the inside of the Doctor's khakis, using it to pull her closer. "You'll come when I say you'll come," Bo whispered.
"Oh, is that how this works?" Lauren grinned.
"Uh huh." Bo bit her lip and nodded.
"You see that's funny, because I could have sworn it was the other way around." She wrapped her arms around Bo's waist and mashed their hips together.
"You were misinformed." Bo untucked Lauren's shirt, and slid her hands up the Doctor's sides.
Lauren ground her thigh against Bo's center, eliciting a gasp from the Succubus. "I'd love to offer you proof to the contrary," she said, "But I'm sweaty, tired, and covered in mud. And we still have eight miles of terrain to cover." She gave Bo a peck on the lips before pulling away.
"Seriously?" Bo whined. "We have plenty of time for a quickie! We can hide behind those bushes and catch up to the others before they even realize we're not there."
"I'm sorry, but we can't."
"Why not?" Bo asked, petulantly stomping her foot.
"Because I said so," Lauren teased, enjoying Bo's discomfort.
"HEY!" Kenzi shouted back to them. "Are you two coming, or what?"
"Apparently not," Bo growled to herself. She hoisted her backpack around her shoulders and headed toward the sound of Kenzi's voice. Lauren tucked in her shirt, grinning the entire time, and followed.
Congo Rainforest. Day 1. 8pm.
Lauren assumed that the sun was setting, judging by the darkness shrouding their campsite. Darkness was a relative term. Not much sunlight would have reached their campsite anyway, thanks to the wall of trees surrounding them on all sides. So this was simply a darker shade of dark. She watched from her perch on a fallen log, as Dyson pounded the last tent peg into the ground. He stood and surveyed his handiwork – four small, two person tents stood in a circle around a roaring fire.
Kenzi lay in a useless heap on the mossy earth, occasionally making a pathetic moaning sound. Bo stepped over her and tossed an armload of branches onto the flames. The fire wasn't so much for heat, but to keep away any wild animals that might get any ideas. Ciara emerged from the tent with two handfuls of granola bars, handing one to each of the team members. "Dinner is served," she said.
"Gimme." Kenzi held her arm in the air and wiggled her fingers, but otherwise didn't move.
Hale sat down on the log next to Lauren, and unfolded a large map. He spun it around. He spun it again. "You're gonna have to help me Doc, I have no idea where we are."
Lauren laid the map on the ground and studied it for a few seconds before responding. "We're here." She pointed. "A day's hike east of my old research camp. Tomorrow we follow the river for about twenty four miles, then branch off through the forest for the final two. We'll get to the site before sunset, if all goes well. Hiking along the riverbank should be easier than bushwhacking through the jungle like we've been doing today."
"Easier on the legs, maybe." Dyson sat across from them, and rubbed his beard. "But if we're going to be hiking along a water source, we need to look out for predators and UnderFae."
Bo scoffed. "What are you so worried about, Big Bad? If anything attacks you, you can wolf out and rip them to shreds."
"I'm not worried about me." Dyson chomped a piece of his granola bar. "Or you. But there are some people in this group who aren't so good at defending themselves." He nudged Kenzi with his boot.
"Don't touch me, everything hurts." She moaned into the ground. "My blisters have blisters."
Bo rolled her eyes. "You didn't have to come…"
Kenzi groaned and managed to roll herself onto her stomach. "Don't even say 'I told you so'. If those words come out of your mouth, I will murder your future Succubabies."
"You'd have to get up, first," Bo teased.
Kenzi opened her mouth like she was about to say something smart ass. Instead all she said was "good point".
"C'mon l'il mama." Hale scooped Kenzi in his arms and carried her to the closest tent. "If you're gonna pass out you might as well do it in a sleeping bag."
"But the moss is so comfy," she yawned as Hale unzipped the tent flap.
"Yeah, comfy now. Until you get chomped by a swarm of flesh eating bugs." He laid her gently on the sleeping bag. "Get some sleep. It's a long day tomorrow." He backed out of the tent. Before he'd even finished zipping it up he heard Kenzi's deep breaths turn into gentle snores. He rejoined the group at the fireplace.
"You're such a gentleman," Dyson teased.
"Yeah well, my mom raised me right. I'm not an animal like you," Hale shot back. Dyson gave him a big, wolfy grin in return, and tossed him another granola bar. Bo intercepted the pass, unwrapped the bar, and finished it off in three bites. "Hey!" Hale gave her a swat, but she jumped out of reach.
"Snooze and lose." She grinned and crossed the fireplace, plunking herself down in front of Lauren. She leaned backward into the Doctor, using Lauren's body like a recliner and her thighs like an armrest. When Lauren started absentmindedly massaging Bo's scalp, running her fingers through her hair, Bo decided there was nowhere else on earth she'd rather be.
Ciara handed Hale another granola bar, and the team sat quietly, staring at the fire. Although the group was silent, the jungle was anything but. Tree frogs peeped a chorus, predators howled, and somewhere above them monkeys flitted through the trees, making strange noises and yelling at each other. Bo sat and listened, contentedly, as Lauren stroked her hair.
All was peaceful.
Until a blood curdling scream ripped through their campsite, directly from Kenzi's tent. Bo was up like a shot. "KENZI!"
"AAAAAHHHH! FUCK GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"
Dyson was the closest, and the first to the tent. He opened the flap and was about to storm inside when he saw exactly what Kenzi was screaming at. "Uh uh…" he backed out. "Uh uh, uh uh, no way." He jumped up and down on one foot, then another, shaking his hands and arms like there were insects crawling all over him. "Get it, Lauren. Get it. Kill it."
"WILL SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME!?" Kenzi screamed
"What are you, a five-year-old girl?" Bo looked at him in disgust, before poking her head into Kenzi's tent. "Oh FUCK!" Bo too yanked her head out of the tent like she'd been slapped in the face, eyes wide. "Fuck, fuck….LAUREN?"
"I'm right behind you, what the hell is the matter with you people?" She shoved Dyson and Bo aside, squatted down, and peered into the tent. What she saw was like something from a nightmare. She stared into the bulging eyes and snapping pincers of a mustard-yellow spider the size of a dachshund. It was perched directly on Kenzi's stomach. "Don't. Move." Lauren told Kenzi, as she slowly inched backwards, and the color drained from her face.
"Doc?! DOC! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DOC?" Kenzi yelled, as Lauren let the tent flap fall from her hand. Kenzi's screams turned to pathetic, blubbery whimpers.
"What the fuck is that thing!?" Bo hid behind Lauren, using her as a shield. "It's like a monster. Like a mutated monster tarantula. Jesus Christ Lauren it's bigger than Kenzi!"
"It's not a tarantula." Lauren squeaked out. Terror had seized her chest, but she had to be the adult here. Obviously Dyson and Bo couldn't handle things. "Tarantulas aren't native to the Congo. THAT is a J'ba Fofi. It's a spider-like Underfae. We're lucky it's only a baby – they grow up to four feet tall."
There was a crash behind them, as Dyson passed out next to the campfire. "Unbelievable," Ciara muttered, rolling him over so he didn't catch on fire.
"Hale?" Lauren asked.
"Right here." He squatted next to her, face a picture of worry.
"I need you to calm Kenzi down. If the spider becomes agitated, he may bite. J'ba Fofi are extremely poisonous. Can you make her sleep?" Hale nodded and shuffled to the other side of the tent. He bent down next to where Kenzi's head would be, and whistled a soft tune, almost like a lullaby, through the canvas. The whimpers from inside quickly stopped, replaced once again by Kenzi's soft snores.
"There." Hale wiped his mouth and rejoined Bo and Lauren. "She's asleep."
"Oh-kay." Bo took a deep breath. "How do we kill this thing?"
Lauren shook her head. "We can't. At least not while it's still in the tent with Kenzi. These things aren't just poisonous…their blood is highly acidic. If we smoosh it like a regular spider, Kenzi is going to get burned. Literally."
Ciara kneeled next to Lauren, leaving Dyson unconscious and by himself. "So, we lure it out."
"How?" Bo asked.
Hale held up his granola bar. "Munchies?"
"Worth a shot." Lauren nodded. She unwrapped the bar and placed it a few feet in front of the tent. "Bo, grab that hiking stick." Bo did as she was told, and stood next to the tent. Lauren stood next to her. "When this thing comes out, I want you to do your best Tiger Woods impression."
"You want me to cheat on you with a porn star?"
"No I don..." Lauren slapped herself in the forehead and groaned. "I want you to smack that thing to kingdom come. Okay?"
"Got it." Bo took up a golfer's stance, like she was about to start Hole One at Augusta. Lauren tiptoed back to the tent flap, and gently opened it. The spider stared back at her. It hadn't even moved since the ordeal started.
"Ciara," Lauren whispered. She motioned for Ciara to hold open the tent flap, then picked up the granola bar and showed it to the spider monster. "Heeeeeere freaky freaky freak." She called it like she might call a dog. The spider perked up, and wriggled its pincers.
Lauren felt like she might throw up, but she swallowed and ignored the sensation. "Come on boy. Come and get the yummy food." The spider wriggled its pincers again, and inched forward. "Here it comes Bo, get ready," Lauren whispered, never taking her eyes off the arachnid.
Bo bent her knees. All she knew about golf she'd learned from the movie Happy Gilmore. She didn't expect that would be much help in this situation. She held the hiking stick high above her head, ready to swing.
The spider hopped down from Kenzi's stomach, causing Lauren to flinch. She composed herself and duckwalked backwards. "Come on, you disgusting freak monkey. Come and get the granola."
Bo held her breath as first two, then four, then eight thick, hairy, yellow legs scuttled out from the tent, into the open. Now that she had a good look at it, illuminated by the light from the fire, it looked like some sort of demon spawn from the ninth circle of hell. Something snapped in her brain.
Bo froze.
"Do it now, Bo." Lauren muttered from the side of her mouth, as the spider inched closer. Bo stood stock still, hiking stick high in the air, like a statue. "Bo!" Lauren hissed, staring the creature in its glowing red eyes. As the seconds ticked by, it became increasingly obvious to Lauren that Bo wasn't going to move. "Shit!" she muttered to herself. She wanted to try and get Ciara or Hale's attention, but she was afraid the spider would pounce the moment she looked away.
Hale and Ciara would have been useless anyway. Ciara was frozen in place just like Bo, and Hale was hiding behind a tree with his hands over his eyes. Dyson was still unconscious. Or at least pretending to be.
"God. Damn. It." Lauren realized she was in this alone. She placed the granola bar on the ground, and slowly reached behind her, to where a towel was drying on a makeshift clothesline. She waited until the creature was preoccupied with its meal and took a deep breath, snapping the towel between her hands.
"Dear person or thing or entity or idea or particle or stroke of dumb luck that created the universe. Please help me get out of this alive," she silently whispered. She took a deep breath, counted to ten, and charged.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" A guttural scream ripped forth from her lungs as she grabbed the creature at full speed, and wrapped the towel around it to keep it from biting her. "AAAAHHHHH!" The scream continued, unending, as she sprinted full speed into the jungle undergrowth, holding the squirming spider at arm's length like it was a ticking time bomb about to explode. "AAAAAHHHH!" The screams got louder as the spider managed to wriggle its head out of the towel and snap at the exposed skin of Lauren's forearm. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" The scream reached maximum volume as Lauren tripped over a rock and the creature, still wrapped in the towel, flew from her outstretched arms and careened off the side of an embankment into a small stream fifty feet below. Lauren kept screaming until the creature, and the towel, floated downstream, out of eye sight. She took two deep breaths, and sprinted full speed back the way she came, crashing through the woods like Bigfoot on caffeine pills, swearing up a storm that would make a prison inmate blush. She emerged back at the campsite, shaking uncontrollably.
"Fucking shit piss asshole son of a bitch fucking sack of goddamn fuck on a stick." Lauren shouted, shaking out all her limbs to in a fruitless attempt to get rid of the creepy crawly feeling assaulting her body. "Get me the sanitizing wipes!" She shouted to no one in particular. Bo, Ciara and Hale stared at her. No one moved. "SOMEONE GET ME THE GODDAMN SANITIZING WIPES, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!"
Bo leaped over the fireplace in a move that would make Olympic athletes jealous, and rummaged through her backpack until she found a pack of sani-wipes. She handed them to Lauren who ripped the bag open with her teeth, grabbed a handful of wipes, and furiously started rubbing every millimeter of exposed skin on her body.
Bo inched closer to Lauren. "Babe I'm sorry, do you want any…"
"GAH!" Lauren spun on her girlfriend, fire in her eyes. "Do NOT touch me. We're in a fight." The skin on Lauren's arms was turning red from the scrubbing. Lauren flung the empty pack and all the wipes in the fireplace, and stomped toward the tents. "Four fucking Fae, abandoning a human to get rid of a j'ba fofi. You can kill a dragon, but you can't kill a spider." She ripped open the tent. When Bo made to follow her, Lauren rounded on her girlfriend again. "Oh no you don't. You find somewhere else to sleep tonight."
Bo paused outside the tent, as Lauren zipped herself in. She thought about asking a question, thought better of it, then ended up asking anyway. She was a Succubus. She couldn't help herself. "Sooooo…I guess that means you don't want to have sex tonight?" Bo winced, immediately regretting the decision. There was a long pause, before Lauren inched the tent flap open and poked her head through.
"You'll be lucky if I ever have sex with you again." Lauren huffed, zipping the tent flap back up. "HALE! Knock me out!"
Hale shuffled over like a kid in trouble with his mom, and within a few seconds had whistled Lauren to sleep. Ciara shuddered once before retreating into her own tent. Bo glanced around at the four tents, three of which were currently occupied, and looked sheepishly at the Siren. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"Huh? Yeah," Hale agreed, rubbing his forehead.
"I just mean sleep. No funny business."
"Girl, my testicles receded up into my body five minutes ago. I couldn't have sex with you right now if I tried."
"Good." Bo slunk into the tent and collapsed. Hale followed close behind.
An eerie silence descended over the camp. The humans slept soundly and dreamlessly in their tents, thanks to Hale's Siren song. Ciara followed closely behind, then Hale, and then, eventually, Bo. The fire slowly burnt itself down until only glowing red embers remained. An industrious ant was the only creature still moving around. He wound his way around the remaining granola crumbs, taking note of their location so he could send reinforcements to collect them later. As he patrolled he noticed something out of place. A large something, slowly rising and falling, and making funny noises. The ant, a much more curious individual than other members of his colony, went to investigate. Using his sharp, preternaturally strong claws, he climbed up on the something, scaling it to its very top. He made his way through a forest of fur, following the strange noises. The ant had no mental construct to understand the noise, what a human might refer to as a 'wheeze'. But he was determined to discover the source of the sound. He emerged from the fur, and stared forward into two great canyons, where a strong breeze pushed the ant backward, and then pulled him forward again. The ant wriggled his antennae, and made the decision to push forward. He entered one of the canyons without a second thought.
"Pfhssszzzttfffzzzzcccck." Dyson woke up with a start and slapped his nose so hard it made his eyes water. "OOOW. Damn it!" He swore, scratching his itchy nose. It wasn't until a few seconds later that he realized how dark it was. "Guys?" He looked around him, eyes adjusting to the darkness, at four closed tents. "Guys?" He rubbed his nose again, and snorted. "What did I miss? Lauren? Ciara? Hale?" Dyson started to panic. "Anyone awake? Guys?"
The ant shook his antennae, and rolled over. He'd landed on the grass next to the something, and was still a little bit stunned. The something was making more, louder noise now, and the ant spat in its general direction and kicked the dirt before walking away. The damn something smelled funny anyway. And the ant had more important things to do.
A/N – I am f*cking terrified of spiders. For real you guys, I've had the creepy crawlies all day.
Real A/N – Sorry it's been such a long time. I have a lot going on in my personal life right now…among other things I'm training for a marathon. It's amazing how running 30-40 miles per week will eat up all your spare time. I haven't even had a chance to watch much of Season Three yet – all the eps are waiting patiently on my DVR. As such, please don't expect any characters or ideas from Season 3 to be included in this fic (unless it's by accident)…because I haven't seen them yet. :-p I'm told, however, that some people didn't like the way the Doccubus relationship was handled in later eps. I've said it before that my fic is (mostly) an angst free zone, so I hope this will be refreshing for some of you. Bo and Lauren probably won't be fighting about trivial stuff like the whole human vs. Fae thing. Instead, they will be fighting over important stuff. Like who has to kill the giant ass spiders.