Disclaimer: Don't own D. Gray-Man, never will.
Special Thanks To
The awesome beta-reader Miss Tigger, All who reviewed, All who faved, All who subscribed, All who voted and All who reads
After the invasion of Headquarters, the atmosphere was of relief but also grievance. Many of the facilities were damaged beyond repair, including Lab 5 and some of the dormitories. The numbers of casualties were huge – the Science Department lost half its members, they were the most devastated. The altar was, once again, filled with black coffins. The tuneless cacophony of crying and grieving echoed.
Allen sighed as he lay on the white infirmary bed. This kind of atmosphere is suffocating, knowing that he failed to protect these people. No matter how relieved he was that some of them survived, the fact that he let others die was undeniable.
There was another emotion in him, a more selfish emotion. It made him feel guilty. At that time, compared to the worrying for the Scientists, the fear of losing a certain someone was more prominent. Compared to the relief of knowing Reever and the others survived, the overwhelming gladness of seeing that someone again was much more intense. He sighed, could he be...
A loud bang from the other room interrupted his thoughts. The door to the girl's infirmary room was slammed open, followed by the sound of Komui screaming, "NOOOOO! My Lenalee! DEM, YOU COLD HEARTED MONSTER! LET ME RETURN TO MY DEAR LENALEE!"
The Head Nurse (who was tying Kanda to the bed) glanced to the door with narrowed eyes. "What's that troublesome girl doing?"
Allen jumped as the door to the male's room was thrown open. He blinked. Standing in the doorway was a seething Desdemona, wearing only a black tank top and black shorts. There were band aids all over her body, considering the massive amount of cuts she got from god knows where. There were bandages around her head, tending to a heavy blow to her cranium from god knows where. Why does she always mysteriously get severely injured?
Komui, dangling from the girl's strangling grip on his collar, wept a river. A swelling cheek and blackened eyes were some of his newly acquired features and tear rolled down from behind his glasses.
"Head Nurse." The girl said through gritted teeth. "I can't stand this anymore. In the infirmary, there is no space for both Komui and I. If you can't stop Komui from coming in, then I will get out!"
The Head Nurse raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to be like Kanda?"
Desdemona blinked and looked past the Head Nurse at a Kanda writhing in his bed. He was tied to the bed frame by 4cm thick ropes and white bandages were around his mouth, serving the purpose of a gag.
She inhaled and shook her head. "So get Komui out of here."
"What about I get you both out of here?" The Head Nurse said threateningly as she advanced towards the girl and the Supervisor. Throwing both of them out the door, she closed the door behind her and proceeded to throw the girl back into the infirmary and the Supervisor back into his office.
Allen smiled. She's lively as always. He feels like he'll be happy for the day, he saw her today. It feels like if he gets a daily dose of "Darmstadtium", he'll be happy. He laughed at himself. He's becoming weird. Darmstadtium is toxic to humans.
"Allen, you have a weird expression on your face." Lavi commented.
Allen turned away from the door towards the redhead, lying on his bed casually with his arms behind his head.
"Could you see my face?" The English boy asked with a frown.
"No, but I can see your cheek muscles moving. I can imagine."
"..."
"I'm bored."
"..."
"Allen?"
"Hey?" The boy suddenly said. Lavi glanced at him. He does have a weird expression on. He's smiling as if he's the happiest kid in the world, but his eyebrows were frowning like he was deeply confused or troubled. "How do you know if you like someone?"
Lavi widened his eyes. "Allen?"
"Just answer the question."
Lavi sat up, propping onto his elbows. "Well, numbers never lie. So firstly, you measure her three measurements with your eyes. The better the body, the more you should like her."
Allen narrowed his eyes. Lavi the pervert. "At this rate, you'll grow to be a pervy old man."
Lavi shook his head. "No, there's more! If her numbers pass, then you should feel it. That's my 'Strike!' Principle. If you want to scream 'Strike!' then you like her."
"Lavi. That's not helpful."
"Basically, if you feel very happy when you see her, then you like her." Lavi nodded philosophically.
Allen looked up to the ceiling in deep thought. Feel happy to see her, eh? For some reason, that's true.
~x.X.x~
Desdemona sat on her bed with a pout. Head Nurse tied both her ankles to the bed frame, so now she can't do anything. She can't lie down properly either.
Lenalee laughed slightly as Head Nurse replaced her tear-soaked blanket with a dry one. "Dem, so Kanda's like you in the other room too?"
"No, I tied his whole body to the bed frame. I gagged him too." Head Nurse explained calmly. Lenalee laughed even more.
Desdemona glanced over at Lenalee, sitting on the edge of her bed. Behind her, Miranda was sound asleep.
She glanced at the blood red rings around Lenalee's ankles. Lenalee showed it to her but she still couldn't understand. She said her Innocence became liquid and she drank it. Her blood bled out with the Innocence and it's now around her ankle.
"Ah! Inspector Rouvelier! Why are you here?" A nurse exclaimed from the outside.
Lenalee visibly tensed at the Inspector's name. Head Nurse turned to the door as she finished laying out Lenalee's new blanket.
"I met with Komui just then...what happened to his face?" Rouvelier's voice came in through the door.
"Ah, Dem is not in the best of moods today...you should be careful too, Inspector."
The girl pouted more. It's not her, it was Komui's fault.
"What a troublesome girl," Rouvelier commented. "That aside, I'm here to see Lenalee Lee and take her to the Science Department."
Lenalee dropped herself down onto the bed and pulled the clean blanket over herself. She turned away from the door. The Eurasian girl watched in silence as the Head Nurse headed over to the door and opened it.
Lenalee froze under her blanket.
"Ah, I'm here to see Lenalee Lee. Is she getting better?" Rouvelier greeted the Head Nurse.
The Head Nurse glanced over her shoulder, only to see Lenalee buried under her blanket. "I'm sorry Inspector, but, Lenalee just fell asleep after Komui left. With her condition, the best and only thing to do is rest. I believe it is not the best time to be doing this."
"Don't worry, Head Nurse. We just need her for a bit, we won't take too long. Plus, she can walk around now, can she not?"
Lenalee clenched onto the blanket tightly, though only Dem could see it.
"But Inspector, you see, Lenalee she-"
The strangest of ideas came to Desdemona. He was told she's not in a good mood, right? He was told to be careful, right?
The good thing is everything she does now can be excused because of her injury.
Grabbing the half-filled glass of water on her bedside table, she threw it towards the door with all her excess energy pent up from being constricted. The glass smashed into the door, next to Rouvelier's head, and shattered to pieces. It successfully sprayed water all over the man's face. The Head Nurse and the Inspector turned to her in shock.
"OH GOD DAMN IT. THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THIS PLACE. FIRST KOMUI AND NOW IT'S NEVER ENDING. DO YOU WANT US TO RECOVER OR WHAT?! LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE, OR I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF THIS WINDOW RIGHT HERE." She screamed at no one in particular, pointing to the window right next to her bed. Note, the Infirmary is on the 30th floor.
Proving her point, she grabbed the vase on her bedside table and positioned herself to throw it. Getting the message, the Head Nurse hurriedly pushed the Inspector out of the room and closed the door behind them. Seconds after, a loud crash was heard against the door as the porcelain vase shattered. Its pieces lay on the floor with the broken glass.
Rouvelier blinked. "My my, the girl's truly not in a good mood. I was warned but to think it's that extreme..."
"Sorry Inspector," The nurse apologized. "She hit her head and had been strange the past few days. The doctor said it's nothing serious, she'll be back to normal once her injury heals."
Rouvelier nodded in contemplation.
"So for the time being," her voice raised a notch to emphasise her words. "As you can see, it's pretty dangerous to enter the girl's room. I don't think you should come here again anytime soon. I will tell Lenalee of your visit and she will visit you when she thinks she's fit enough to travel there. Until then, for your own safety, don't come here again."
Lenalee sat up as she and Desdemona listened to the Head Nurse pushing Rouvelier out the corridor. The Chinese girl sighed in relief. Turning to the Eurasian girl, she smiled. "Thank you, Dem."
"Hmph, I'm in a bad mood and I'm dangerous." She pouted, playing with her new found excuse to everything.
Lenalee laughed warmly. "Still, thank you…"
"You really hate him, don't you?" Desdemona observed.
Lenalee stopped laughing and looked to the floor. "I, I don't hate him. I just become really unsettled when he's around." She smiled embarrassingly. "Usually, when he's around I'd go to where Kanda meditates and just sit there with him. But now, since he's tied in the other room, it doesn't work."
"Well, then that was a vase and a glass well spent." She said, the sarcasm in her voice was meant for humour. But her warped sense of humour didn't get to the older girl, because she ended up apologising.
"I'm sorry. I'm weak. I'm not strong like you."
Desdemona blinked in surprise, "No, you are strong, Lenalee. You are strong. After all, you trusted your Innocence for Komui's sake even if it might have killed you."
"How did you know?" Lenalee asked with a questioning frown. "Did I...did I say something out loud that day?"
Desdemona tensed. That's right; she heard Lenalee's feelings through her Innocence. She shouldn't know...she's not even there at the scene when Lenalee thought that. "U-Er...You know, from the situation, anyone could tell. The fact that you drank it meant you placed your life on the line to trust in the Innocence. And who else could it be for if not Komui?"
Lenalee smiled. "Dem, you are really observant."
The girl laughed awkwardly. "So Lenalee, you are not weak, you are strong."
"That may be so, but I'd like to get stronger for everyone's sake, and for my brother too. I want to be as strong as you."
Desdemona shook her head. "Lenalee, I'm not strong. I'm weak and that's why I act the way I do."
"Eh?" Lenalee tilted her head in confusion. "What do you mean? You are always so certain of yourself and independent..."
"But that doesn't mean I'm strong." She shook her head again. "You are stronger than me, Lenalee. I wonder if being independent is true strength. Love can make people braver and attempt radical things like you did. Being dependent might be a good thing. And me, I'm weak, because I don't think I have anything worth sacrificing my life for."
"But, everyone has a reason to fight..."
"Master threatened me. I could have either gone to jail or join the Order. I chose the obvious choice."
"But surely, you must have something you love to keep on fighting, risking your life every day."
"I once did." She sighed, her voice quietened, as if not too sure whether she should say what she was about to say. "But not anymore. I'm scared now, Lenalee. So I don't think I'll ever be able to anymore."
"..."
After a long period of silence, Desdemona laughed. "Sorry, I guess I'm really going strange after hitting my head."
"You should try once more."
"Sorry?" Desdemona averted her eyes from the birds dancing outside, in the wind, to Lenalee.
The older girl was staring at the younger with a determined look. "Try loving once more. I don't know what happened for you to be scared to love but, no one should ever be scared to love. That's what I think, because my world is only held together because of love, after all."
Desdemona smiled, she looked back out of the window; the birds were gone. "Maybe…"
Desdemona sat, hugging her legs on the raised platform of the training arena. Two bestial males brawled on the sand flooring with wooden sticks.
Another intelligence deficient male sat next to her. Lavi played with her hair absent-mindedly, tickling her upper arms. She pushed him away. So annoying.
Scratching her itchy arm and smoothing down her black tank top, she dropped her legs over the ledge and continued to watch.
Allen was wearing that sleeveless, high collar shirt again. She cannot express how much it irritated her. The stretchy material is too tight and his skin colour too white, drawing her attention to his chest muscles and his arms. She frowned at herself but kept staring at him. Averting her gaze to his face, she sighed.
He swung his half-destroyed wooden pole at Kanda, who dodged the attack easily. He counterattacked with accuracy and his strength controlled, easily splitting Allen's "sword" in two. With a kick in the chest, Allen fell to the ground, panting with a dissatisfied glare at the smirking Japanese.
"I…I can't move." Allen confessed, sweat pouring down his forehead like a waterfall.
Kanda raised the tip of the pole to point at Allen. "Ha! Your bark's worse than your bite, Beansprout!"
"No surprises here, Kanda. I guess I really can't hope to match you with a sword." Allen acknowledged, which caused Kanda to grin proudly.
"Oh, you got that right. So now, how about I finish you off with a crew cut?" The Japanese's eyes glinted evilly. Desdemona sighed, why would anyone suggest betting their hair on anything? Why would anyone agree to such outrageous bids? And why on earth would you want another person's hair, she could not fathom. In conclusion, these two are just intellect deficient.
She noticed an equally evil glint in Allen's eyes. For some reason, the whole time, she watched Allen only.
"I don't remember ever admitting I've lost." The white haired boy suddenly lifted his legs up to bind Kanda's outstretched arm, twisting his body while doing a handstand, he pulled Kanda off balance and pushed him into the sand with his legs. Kanda recovered from the shock and struck back, the two of them completely discarding their pieces of wood.
Desdemona held back a laugh and leaked out a smile. This is amusing to watch.
"This is rare, to see those two hanging out together."
The spectating exorcists turned to see Johnny, in his white clothes from the Infirmary, in a wheel chair. Like everyone, bandages and band aids became trending accessories.
"Johnny! You're moving around all right now?" Marie asked, happy for his recovery.
"Ah them." Lavi stared to explain. "It was just a regular swords lesson…and then it went out of control and they started to wager their hair. Before we knew it, they've been going on for an hour and now it's basically a fist fight." The redhead nodded.
As if proving Lavi right, the two in question screamed at the top of their lungs and lunged at each other. "You pretended to be tired and tricked me!" "Deception is a key strategy!" "Die! You fake gentleman!"
They laughed at the two, giving each other black eyes and swollen cheeks.
"That raid…" Marie sighed. "Was hard on everyone. Allen especially. He's probably feeling responsible for everything that happened."
Desdemona sat up slightly at Marie's words. Responsible for everyone? Does that mean, back then, he said…I don't want to lose you. Don't leave me. So…that was just him, feeling responsible for her like everyone else? Most likely, she answered herself. Most likely. Though for some reason, her cheeks still heat up at the memory. His embrace...it feels like it's somewhere she can return to…
She slapped herself mentally. No, no way. Wake up, Dem. Wake up.
"Now, back to business." Johnny dismounted his wheel chair, carrying a kit in his arms, and knelt down between the girl and Lavi. "I'm here to take your measurements for the new uniform. Especially Lavi's, Kanda's, Allen's and Dem's."
"YOU'RE GOING TO WORK?!" Lavi screamed in shock. Workaholics are workaholics.
"You see, you teenagers grow so quickly! Hey! Allen, Kanda! Come here!"
Allen and Kanda sluggishly dragged themselves over to the ledge. Kanda leant his back against the wooden platform; Chaoji praised Kanda's performance out in the "gladiator" ring. Allen, on the other hand, placed his arms on the ledge between Lavi and Desdemona and glanced up cutely with his swollen cheeks. Desdemona tried to ignore him, but she can feel his presence anyway.
Johnny reached out to ruffle Allen's hair with a smile, Allen smiled back.
Desdemona turned the other side and pouted. Stop. Just stop.
Suddenly, a familiar cold chill ran down her spine. This sense, her female's 6th sense told her, is the…!
She shot up and ran across the training arena, dashing for the exit on the other side. Before any of the slow males could feel or understand anything, the escaping girl was struck down by a brick to the head. The bandage around her cranium soaked red and blood comically spewed from her head like a fountain. She went limp and face planted into the sand.
It was only after then, that the males felt the presence of an extremely unpleasant aura.
"And who was it exactly, that gave the 6 exorcists and that workaholic, permission to leave the Infirmary, I wonder?"
The Head Nurse.
Desdemona supported herself against the wall, everything spun around her, and nothing is still. She wants to vomit. Her head hurts like hell. Damn Head Nurse, she dealt the girl worse damage than the fight. But casting the pain aside, Desdemona is frustrated. She's frustrated that every time something important happens, she gets knocked out. Apparently, they were just explaining Lenalee's new Innocence.
Another wave of dizziness came over her and she toppled forwards. A hand reached out and grabbed her arm just in time. She glanced up.
"Let me help you." Allen smiled gently at her.
She felt her cheeks burn and she turned her face away. "I can walk."
He chuckled and she closed her eyes in annoyance.
Sliding his warm hand down her bare arm, he grabbed a firm hold of her hand. Shivering, she felt herself develop goose bumps. "Wh-what are you doing? Let go." She pulled her hand out of his grip, losing her balance the moment he released her. She toppled backwards this time.
With fast reflexes, Allen gripped her hand again and pulled on her. Her light body crashed into his chest and she flushed. Him placing his other arm around her shoulders didn't help. He laughed more; she could feel his chest cavity vibrating. "You can?"
"…" She fell silent. No she can't, she'll fall and get permanent concussion.
"Dem, if you didn't run, the worse injury she could've caused you was a swollen ear." He pointed out, totally amused.
"Shut up." She snapped. "And let go of me. Stop treating me like a plush doll and hugging me all the time. It's revolting."
"Always?" Allen blinked, supporting her by the shoulders as he frowned at her. "What do you mean?"
"Last time you did it, you said a whole lot of weird stuff." She frowned too. Does he not remember?
"Wait a minute," He frowned deeper. "When was this?"
"Don't you remember?" She tried. "After the invasion…"
Allen froze. He remembers nothing. But his loss of memory was not his utmost worry. What exactly did he say to her?
In his moment of distraction, the stubborn girl escaped his grip and supported herself against the wall, inching her way back to the Infirmary. "Guess you did. You were barely conscious after all."
He rushed to her side, grabbing her free hand firmly. It only earned him an annoyed grunt.
"What did I say?" He asked urgently.
"I don't want to tell you." She tilted her head challengingly at him, though it looks more playful and cute than threatening. He smiled with his frown. He's hopeless against her.
Escorting her to the girl's Infirmary room in the dark, he opened the door for her and led her in. Miranda was sound asleep and Lenalee was not back from the Science Department.
"I won't thank you." She told him.
"You're welcome." He returned her rudeness as a gentleman.
"Go away." She waved him away as she grabbed a hold of her bed frame.
"Good night to you too." Allen released her hand and glanced over his shoulder to watch her sit on the white bed, holding her head. He smiled and exited the room.
Desdemona waited until she heard the click of the door snapping into place. She touched the hand that Allen held. She signed. It's so warm, compared to the hand that was against the concrete wall…it's so warm. She clenched her hand into a fist, blaming herself for missing his warmth already.
Allen closed the door and sighed. He's helpless. He wants to be near her, with her all the time. He wants to protect her from everything, including her clumsy self.
"Allen?"
The English turned. "Ah, Lenalee, you're back?"
"Yes." She nodded and pointed a questioning finger at the door Allen just came out from, "Um…"
"Oh, Dem's head was hit pretty badly. The Head Nurse is truly scary sometimes. She couldn't even walk without falling." Allen laughed at the memory.
"Haha, the Head Nurse can be harsh sometimes, but she cares about us." Lenalee nodded and Allen silently agreed.
"Hey, Lenalee?"He said, as if suddenly remembering something.
"Yes?"
"How do you know if you like someone?"
Lenalee drew back at the abruptness of the question.
He scratched his head. "Sorry, that was a weird question…"
"Let's see…" Lenalee glanced up in contemplation. "I'm not too sure but…if there's someone I love, I would always want to be by their side, like my brother for example. And I would also try to become stronger so that I can protect the people I care about most." The girl nodded.
Allen nodded silently too.
"Sorry, that's not really what you mean, is it?" The Chinese girl laughed at herself.
Allen shook his head. "No, no. It's really helpful."
"So, who is it?" Lenalee's tone became teasing.
Allen froze and felt his cheeks burn in the dark. For once, he was grateful for the lack of light. "Um…er…Good night, Lenalee." He said, quickly turning and escaped into the male's infirmary room.
Lenalee chuckled and pulled open the door to her shared room. She jumped slightly, seeing a mysterious lump sitting in the dark with its back towards her. The moonlight shed an eerie glow around the silhouette and it doesn't appear to be moving at all. It was a while before Lenalee figured out what it was.
"Dem, what are you doing sitting there in the dark?" Lenalee asked, slightly vexed.
The Eurasian girl jerked up suddenly, pulling her hands behind her back as she stood to face Lenalee. However, her fast movement disorientated her fragile sense of balance and she fell onto her bed. Clutching her spinning head, she fell onto her pillow with a moan.
Lenalee rushed to the girl. "Dem! Be more careful! Are you alright?"
"I'm fine..." She squeezed out. "My head..."
Lenalee placed a hand on the younger girl's forehead and frowned, "Dem, do you have a fever? You skin's burning."
Quickly brushing Lenalee's hand away, Desdemona turned to the other side. "I'm fine."
"...if you say so..." Lenalee sighed. She climbed into her own bed and lay down. "Both you and Allen are acting strange these days. Your head is the reason but what has gotten into Allen, I wonder..."
"Beansprout?"
"Dem, you shouldn't call him that. He's growing you know, soon you'll be the shorter one."
"I'm growing too!" She retorted angrily.
"Hehe." Lenalee giggled.
"Can I ask you a question?" The girl sounded like she was contemplating really hard.
The older girl turned slightly to Desdemona. "Sure?"
"When someone tells you 'I don't want to lose you', what does it mean?"
Lenalee blinked. Seriously? Both of them…this kind of questions…could it be? "Did…by any chance…Allen say this to you?"
"…" Desdemona fell silent, feeling her own cheeks heat to intolerable temperatures. "N-no…" She stuttered out. "No, why would he say that? It's someone else, yes, someone else."
The Chinese is barely convinced, but if the girl says so, then she shouldn't pry. "I think, normally, it would mean that person cares for you." She worded her thoughts carefully. Immediately, she heard Desdemona shudder as if in a complicated mixture of disgust and embarrassment. "But I can't pull it out of context, so I can't say I'm sure." Lenalee added, lessening the credibility to her words.
"Ok, thank you Lenalee. Good night." That lump in the bed turned away from Lenalee to face the window.
Lenalee blinked in the dark. The two of them are really behaving strange.
Allen stared at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep.
What did he say to her? Why doesn't he remember anything?
He turned in his bed, only to see Lavi snoring whilst his upper body was dangling off the bed. Allen sighed and turned the other way, staring at the door.
...feel very happy when you see her...
...always want to be by their side...protect them...
Allen sighed. Everything they have told him is...true. Well, he reasoned with himself, he is happy to see any of his friends and will want to protect any of them...
But he found that no matter how good he is at deceiving others, he cannot lie to himself.
What he feels for her is different, different to anything he had ever felt. It scared him, to think that he might feel this way, it is so unfamiliar. He can't help himself, to be attracted to her.
Maybe...maybe he likes her.
Out of all people, it just had to be her, doesn't it? If he thinks about it, there's nothing likeable about her. She's arrogant, obnoxious, violent and uncaring. However, during these few months especially, he had felt almost as if she cares for him, almost as if he could glimpse a gentler, warmer side to her.
Of course, he might just be imagining things...
But he can't help but to want to be near her...
He buried himself under his sheets.
He's helpless against her.
Timcampy sat silently on the boy's pillow.
Chase kept on coughing. The deep, gurgling sound from his chest was audibly loud. She panicked, not knowing what to do as he sprawled on the ground in pain, holding a hand to his mouth.
She had noticed his changing behaviours. She would often find him sweating during the middle of the night, unable to sleep as if in immense pain. For some reason, he's been losing weight really badly these past few weeks. She knew Cosmo gave them far smaller dinner portions, but Chase had said he's not hungry and doesn't have an appetite. At first she thought he was only trying to keep her from being hungry by sacrificing himself, but when she forced him to eat, he only vomited it all out. He was always feeling tired, his face sickly.
During the recent few days, she had seen his coughing fits. She suspected his strange symptoms began far earlier than she'd realised. Knowing him, he must have tried to hide it around her. She hated him for that.
He kept on coughing and she knelt down, trying to help by stroking his shaking back. It was then, at close proximity, that she noticed the small trickles of blood flowing through the cracks between his fingers.
But before she had a chance to panic about that, he collapsed.
Desdemona woke up with a start. She held her own body instinctively, condensing herself into a ball, hugging her knees under her blanket. It was only a stunned while later that she realised she was shaking.
She leant her forehead down, feeling the coolness of her wet clothes, soaked by her sweat.
Why? Why, after all these time? She's been dreaming, recently, about him. Dreaming about him so frequently that it scared her. It pained her.
She misses him so much.
She glanced up slightly. The waning moon shielded by a thin film of grey cloud. Even though it was a full moon today, not much light was shed into the room. She climbed out of bed, her dizziness diminishing by a fraction, enough so that she could walk without falling…though a straight line was still a difficult feat.
She exited the room, needing fresh air to dry her clothes. She would like to get changed, but the Head Nurse wouldn't allow them to leave the infirmary floor.
Leaning against the railing outside the corridor, in the dark, she sighed. Her mind wandered, her mind wandered to many different thoughts. She stared out the window on the other side of the stair well, at the moon hiding shyly behind clouds.
"Haaa…"
She heard a yawn, someone approached from behind. She stayed still, already knowing who it was. For some strangest of reasons, she can feel him when he is near, like his presence is different from everyone else's. She just knows him.
Or maybe, she accusingly reminded herself, that she's just paying too much attention to him after what he said to her in semi-consciousness.
I don't want to lose you…
She felt her cheeks heat up involuntarily again, as if the memory activated a valve in her neck arteries that prompted more blood flow into her cheeks. That must be the only explanation, what else could it be?
Allen sighed as he leaned against the cold, metal railing. He looked down the elevator shaft, at the sightless bottom of which the inoperative elevator lay with Hevlaska. He sighed again. The nightmares had been plaguing him during recent nights. He dreamt of people, people calling for his help and he was too powerless to do anything. He watched them as they were devoured by evil, sinking into an endless void of darkness, of torture, of pain. He tried to grab them, but he was too weak. He watched as they were gradually taken over, the process slow. The elongated time frame only emphasised his helplessness. He was powerless, unable to save or protect anyone.
He let them die.
He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry.
Of all times, possibly now is the only time. The only time he can cry without anyone seeing. The only time he can cry without anyone worrying. So the moisture welled up in his eyes, he allowed them to fall. The darkness blurred by tears, he allowed them to fall silently.
"Can't sleep?"
Allen jumped, he just received the worst fright in all his lifetime…When the shock settled, his mind worked and placed an owner to that familiar voice. He panicked. He thought he was alone. "D-d-DEM?!"
"Why are you so shocked?" Her voice was incredulous. He glanced towards her voice and saw nothing but darkness.
"W-were you here the whole time?" Allen stuttered. If she was, why did he not hear her? If she did…did she see him?
"Yes, of course. I have no pleasure in sharing one cubic metre of air with you. Hence I was the first one here; you simply intruded my personal space." She said calmly, but with a compulsory amount of venom. She shifted, and it was the first time he heard her move. He listened a little closer; he could not hear her breathe. "Don't tell me you didn't know I was here."
"I-I…" He tried to come up with a plausible reply, but found none.
"Are you that blind?" She took a step even closer to Allen and stood under the single beam of moonlight, coming in from the opposite window. Allen gulped and blinked. Surely, there she is, in her entirety. He was staring her straight in her onyx eyes, which was only visible because of their reflective quality that enabled him to see the moon in them. He deep breathed, of course, it smelt like her. How could he not have known?
"I-I…" Allen tried to speak again, but failed as miserably as he had the previous times.
Desdemona smirked slightly in amusement, content with her high alertness of his presence while he was oblivious to hers, which led her onto thinking she's probably not a girl. Girls liked men paying attention to them, they liked attention, but she liked the way he was ignorant to her. It made her feel more comfortable. As if because he doesn't know she's here, she is then allowed to stay close to him for a while longer.
She slapped herself mentally. The blow to her head is serious. She reasoned that, it was because Allen is anything but a man that her inner girl is not craving his attention. Yes, this is the reason.
She watched his shocked expression in the dark. His white hair captured the moonlight and shone like it was a light source itself. His white eyelashes outlined his glistening blue eyes. She admired them. Normally, they looked silver and sometimes a dull grey. But under tonight's moon, they looked a wondrous blue. She smirked more; he's fully visible to her. She can see him so clearly…Being used to the dark London streets, she'd classify herself as a nocturnal animal. This made her feel triumphant, as if she was a better breed of human than Allen on the scale of evolution.
Allen watched her smirk, still slightly stunned from the shock she gave him. But soon, he was lost in those moon-reflecting eyes. He stared at the two moons…
He was aware of her sudden change of expression. From the arrogant smirking, she suddenly frowned. It wasn't disapproving…it was…sort of…worried?
He, for some reason, didn't move when she unexpectedly touched a cold hand to his left cheek. He froze at the contact, too aware of her hand. She had never voluntarily touched him, unless it was for the purpose of physically or mentally assaulting him. He braced himself for the blow, both literally and metaphorically.
However, the anticipated insult or punch did not come. Instead, she wiped gently across his cheek. It was when the removed her cold hand, that the smeared moisture caused him to feel an even colder air that made her hand seem relatively warm. He wanted to draw back from her but he was immobile. He could feel his jaws slacken as he realised what she realised.
"Are you crying?" She asked quietly, almost a whisper. Allen relented. He had never heard her talk like this. Never to him anyway. Her voice was soft, but it was warm, it was gentle, it felt comforting.
Nearly, it nearly made him cry in front of her. He turned his head away from her hand, forcefully holding back the tears that threatened to fall. Again. Why does she do it all the time? Just intrude at his weakest. He wondered who exactly intruded whose personal space. Though, he could not bring himself to resent her. Whatever she does, it wasn't intentional, which only made it harder for him. He can't hate her, he can't shut her out.
Desdemona withdrew her hand; he hid his eyes in shadows so dark that even she couldn't see.
Last time. She saw him cry last time too, when he was semi-conscious.
But why?
Then she remembered something Marie said…
He's probably feeling responsible for everything that happened.
"It's not your fault."
Allen widened his eyes in the dark. She…how?
"You're not responsible."
Allen shut his eyes tight. How can she-?!
"I have always hated this about you." She continued, only with a little more force. "You think you are noble, all high and mighty. You think you have to save every life, keep everyone alive. You are the only moral one, everyone else isn't. Hence you have to shoulder the burden of the world, because in your eyes, you are the only one fit enough to do that.
"And what gave you the right to think like that? Huh? Power, strength, these are things you lack more than a five year old. You have nothing, you are nothing. You are not fit to save the world. Wake up, god damn it, wake up. You are not strong enough or powerful enough to save anything more than yourself."
Allen turned slowly to glance at her. She's right; he's useless, totally useless.
"You, alone, can accomplish nothing. So stop feeling responsible for something you couldn't have done anyway. It wasn't expected of you to save them alone. No one will hold it against you. So stop holding it against yourself. You couldn't save them, can't and never will be able to. That is a fact. Stop wallowing in their death, it has nothing to do with you."
"You may be able to feel nothing, watching someone die, but I can't!" He choked out.
"What do you take me for?!" She gave him a glare that made him wish he could take back his outburst. "Do you think I'm cold hearted? Do you think I can watch death without feeling a thing? Oh how I wish I could do that, but that wish will forever remain a wish. I am human, Allen. If anything, I'm far more human than you are!"
Allen froze. He feels so helpless against her. She would hit him in all his wounds and she knew exactly where to hit. He wasn't half as much human as she is, he knew. His arm, his eye. "I know I'm a monster..." he muttered, which earned him a growl.
"Stop your melancholy already, it's sickening." She frowned deeper. "And not only me, what about Lenalee? What about Komui? Head nurse? The Generals? Lavi, Bookman and even Kanda. Does it not strike you for even once that everyone is pained by the loss of life? So why are you here, grieving in pain as if no one else is feeling as you are? Grow up already; you're a burden to everyone. Everyone has their own problems and now we also have to look out for you. Give it up, Allen, even when others will, I will not be nice and tolerate you."
"I..."
"What do you take us for exactly? How dare you deny our right to grieve? Do you mean to say we do not have the capability to be responsible for the world? Who do you think you are, to dismiss me like that? Do you think I am weaker than you?"
"No. I-"
"No? If I'm not weaker then why do you hog all the responsibility to yourself? Why don't you realise that this responsibility is meant to be shared amongst many? You are not responsible, we all are. Share this burden, share the pain. You will be crushed if you take it alone. Why don't you just realise we are all here? I just hate this part of you. Stop dismissing us like we are unfit to share your burden!"
Allen blinked.
He blinked more.
She huffed in annoyance at him and crossed her arms at her chest. After a while of silence for Allen to contemplate on her words, he smiled. "Thank you, Dem."
During the time he had spent with this girl, he had developed a skill in which he can translate and summarise her words into normal English. For example, "Why aren't you dead?" translates to "I'm glad you're alive." and "Go die in a hole" translates to "please cordially leave my presence." So her elongated scolding and ranting translates to…
"We are all here for you, so don't take the burden by yourself."
"Are you out of your mind?" She raised an eyebrow at him. "Why would you thank me?"
He smiled a little more. "Thank you."
She pouted. Glancing at him, she rolled her eyes as she saw him smile idiotically at her. I don't want to lose you…
She seethed. That idiot, just forgetting something he said so easily. Why do his words affect her so much?
"How's your head?" He suddenly changed the topic.
"I'm still angry."
"I see. Are you still dizzy?"
"You are irritating."
"I understand. Can you walk properly now?"
"I'm going. I can't stand you." She turned and headed back into the corridor. As soon as she stepped out of the light, she became invisible to him once more.
"Dem?"
"Seriously." She muttered under her breath. "Just forgot everything you said to me." Soon, he heard her open the door and then close it. He turned back to the opposite window, sighing. Forgot everything he said? Yeah, he wants to know what he said too. She won't tell him, and apparently no one else was there.
He felt something wriggle on his head and soon noticed Timcampy, buried in his hair the whole time. Tim seemed to yawn and fly sleepily down from Allen's head. Allen smiled. "Hey there." He reached out to habitually stretch Tim's "cheeks". "Do you know what I said?" he asked absent-mindedly. He didn't expect an answer, but when Timcampy struggled out of his hands and opened its mouth, Allen finally remembered Timcampy's abilities.
Allen leaned forwards, watching the projection carefully.
He watched through Timcampy's eyes, he watched himself fall unconscious and slouch against a pillar in a nameless corridor. He saw Timcampy flying around aimlessly in panic; he saw Lenalee trying to wake him and ran to get help. Tim continued to flutter around and soon calmed down and settled itself from somewhere on his outstretched legs.
The same scenery stayed stationary for a long time…possibly 5 minutes. "Tim…what does this have anything to do with…" He started but trailed off.
He heard something, something like running footsteps. Allen leaned in closer as he saw a flushed Desdemona running to his side. She knelt down, face serious. She reached out for him, but froze before she touched him. Her face went white, her eyes became unsure. She stood up and paced in aimlessness.
He smiled; it looked like she was actually worried for him.
Soon, she stopped and returned to his side as he muttered something. Allen listened hard to his own words…he was talking in semi-consciousness to Lenalee, so it wasn't of importance. The girl told him Lenalee was fine and he recognised her. Allen paid attention; he has to hear what he said to her.
She screamed at him, constantly, about his hurt spine and ribs and all other lethal injuries. But he did not seem to listen to her. He moved slowly, painfully.
To his own surprise, he watched as his past self suddenly grabbed her shoulders and pulled her roughly into his chest as some sort of a disabled hug. He wrapped his other arm around her and Timcampy flew away from his leg. He was able to see her face at this angle, she was plain frightened. So she screamed at him more, about puncturing his vital organs.
Shocking himself, once again, he caught himself crying before her. Allen flushed, she's caught him crying twice…and this is what she meant by hugging her all the time…
She was shocked that time, the first time she saw him cry. It seemed like she didn't know what to do. She relented as he held her even tighter.
"I was so scared." He heard himself confess and felt an impending doom. He didn't like where this was going. "I was so scared that I might never see you again. So scared that I might lose you…I was scared."
Allen blushed; he felt his own heart accelerate in nervousness. What he said to her…Oh god, he wants to go die in a hole.
"I don't want to lose you…Don't leave me."
Allen quickly pushed Timcampy away and sank down to the ground. He…said those words to her. Oh god, what is he going to do now? He…he…how could he say such embarrassing words?! Especially when he's semi-conscious! And he didn't remember anything…
This…this might just as well be his confession to her. Oh god, he didn't even have anything to confess to her! And Dem, oh god, Dem must be so angry at him, especially forgetting those embarrassing words after he said them. But wait, she's thick-headed. There's a chance that the full meaning of his words did not register in her head. Yes! That must be the case, or else she would be angrier than she is now!
However, even if she didn't understand the full meaning of his words, Allen himself understood.
Those words…spoken to her in his weakest were…true words he had always meant and would never be able to tell her in normal circumstances. He…these things he said were from his heart and he…he…
...feel very happy when you see her...
...always want to be by their side...protect them...
True and true…
Don't tell him…
He covered a hand over his mouth in an attempt to hide his embarrassment and shock.
It can't be…
All of this…
All of this means…
He likes her.
A/N
Hello, long time no see! (read? write?) I am busy to death. OTL I have my major exams coming up which will be even more chaotic. OTL OTL OTL
Give me my life back.
That aside, I'm excited to write the next chapter (yes, forgive me, I haven't started yet) because it will be the Zombie Arc.
For now, bye bye! Until my next update.
Review!
\/