Chapter 5 Insanity- Is It Enough?

Sometimes I wonder was it my fault or his? This whole mess of how we came to be. I should've told him many times what was in my heart so he could understand my feelings. But it's hard to speak your mind when Michael ignores you or doesn't listen to you. I swear he's in his own world sometimes. He tries his best though the best way he knows how to. Is it enough?

Later that night….

Maria woke up to find herself sprawled on her bed belly-side down. "Did I dose off as soon as I came inside the house?" Looking at the clock on her night stand it appeared to be 11:00 PM and she knew she needed a bath so she could settle back into a good sleep. Something to drown her sorrows in. She stood in front of her bathroom mirror in a towel as she neatly pulled her hair up, loose strands touching the back of her neck, a little down passed her shoulders. She swirled in the lavender vanilla bubble solution into the tub. Sitting at the edge of the tub and bent over, she began to stir the solution and water with her arm producing bubbles.

As she took her towel off and sunk into the tub, she began to feel more relaxed in the water. Since she had the night off anyway, she decided that she deserved some overdue "R&R" time. Michael was with the guys. She was alone. She was going to take advantage of the solitude. It was supposed to be their night together but it turned into Maria's Night and Michael's Night alone to do their own things.

He was doing so much for himself for the both of them. He was serious for once about school. Now that he realized going to his planet was futile he had to make a home for himself here on earth. Maria was amazed at how much Michael could do if he put the effort into it. He was exceptionally talented when it came to History and English. Dates and information just stuck with him. Facts were things that could never accumulate in his brain.

There was time when she remembered Maria was perplexed on her Calculus homework. Michael took one glance at it and suggested an answer in mere seconds considering the properties of it leaving her speechless. It's too bad he waited so long to be a little more serious about school. He was no Max Evans when it came to studious behavior but he could've certainly gotten more than by with a little more effort.

All of a sudden as Maria placed a hand on her cheek, she noticed feeling a tear. Was she crying? How did she not realize it? Maria chastised herself for feeling upset about something 'as silly as Michael dissing date night for friends' and internally scolded herself that she needed to do better at hiding it. It tore her inside that Michael had forgotten about their date night. He had forgotten her again. It was always he didn't think, forgot to include, or could've spoken nicer to: Maria.

She felt so alone. No one had been there for her lately. Did she always have to be this tough girl made of Teflon? Disappointments weren't easily sliding off her back any more like they used to. Where Michael was the king of being stonewall he had competition when it came to the hardness of Maria's resiliency.

She found it simply comforting that Michael had a new group of friends but he hid the whole situation from her. And she knew he had made the mistake of double booking, but it had all become a little overwhelming. She thought once he decided to stay away from his planet that she would see more of him but instead she was seeing less of him.

"Get it together DeLuca," she whispered to herself sternly.

As she dried herself off, she changed into a robe and headed to her bedroom. Setting her towel on the vanity, she jumped as she noticed the brooding figure near her window.

She came over to the window and opened it.

"Michael?" she said confused as to why he was at her house and not at his home or with his friends. She glanced at the clock on her side table. It was 1:00 in the morning now. Where had the time gone?

"Can I come in?" Michael asked even though he was already halfway inside. Michael looked at Maria in her bathrobe. "Why are you taking a bath so late?"

"I don't know I think I came home and fell asleep after our date night bust. When I woke up I just wanted to wash away the night I guess," Maria said as she took a seat opposite from Michael on the bed at the vanity.

Michael frowned. "Wash away the night?"

Maria noted his look of guilt and hated for saying what she just did. I guess I too say things without thinking too! "Sorry Michael, I didn't mean it was a bust-"

"It was a bust Maria. It's ok it's my fault," he said.

She hated when they got like this because sometimes it lead to a bigger fight and a more defensive Michael as well.

"It's nobody's fault," Maria said trying to let the whole thing slide. "You double booked. No biggie."

There was silence for about a minute in the room. Maria was looking at the floor and she could feel Michael's eyes on her, trying to read her as if she was something he needed to really observe or fix.

"Are you ok?" Michael asked.

Maria nodded. "Yeah. Why?" Maria asked.

"Maria, I've been trying to wrap my head around the fact that you didn't beat my ass up back there at the bowling alley when you realized I was two timing our date night with my friends."

"I told you Michael, I'm happy you have friends," Maria said again this time a little agitated.

"Yeah I know. But aren't you disappointed that I made a mistake?" Michael asked try to egg on some fight from Maria to come out from inside. Maria sighed and decided it was time to turn the tables in this conversation.

"Fine, let me ask you something Michael. Do you feel disappointed that you made a mistake?" Maria asked.

Michael looked surprised. "Do I feel disappointed? I'm not the one that got played Maria,"

Played? So he's admitting to 'playing' me?

"So, I was played?"

"You know what I mean. I forgot about us," he pressed.

"How should I feel then?" she asked.

"Not like this. Not like you don't care. You're passiveness, it's scaring me," Michael admitted as she scratched his eyebrow. He looked at Maria. His Maria. The girl that had saved him over and over again and the girl he kept disappointing.

"I'm fine Michael," she insisted. Michael disagreed.

"I know I screw up a lot and you're patient with me-"

"always." She said cutting him off.

"Sometimes I think I don't deserve you," he admitted as he looked down at his hands.

"Sometimes, I think that too," was all she said.

"Maria, I want you to know." Michael paused. He wasn't the greatest with words. That was Maria. She could write the most magnificent of phrases and put them together in song. He wished he had the capability of using words the way Maria did with them. She patiently looked upon her other half waiting for him to continue. Michael sighed.

"It makes me upset that you feel I don't laugh with you in that way," he finished.

What he really wanted to say was that he loved her. But she knew that at least he thought so, so he substituted with the other phrase instead. Except what he didn't know was that she would've appreciated hearing those three simple words more.

"I am disappointed in myself too. I am sorry."

"Michael do you think of me? I mean at all?" Maria asked hopeful that his answer was genuine and one she wanted.

"Maria, of course I think about you," he said frustratingly through gritted teeth.

"Then why do you seem so frustrated when I ask you?" Maria insisted.

"Because you pester me with that question all the time and you know the answer!" Michael exclaimed as he stood up from the bed. He was furious that she was questioning his love but at the same time he felt a little better seeing the fire in her. He was relieved it hadn't completely died out which meant there was still passion between them.

"Maybe I wouldn't ask you that question all the time if you would show more by your actions that you care about me!" she said also getting up crossing her arms over her chest.

"I stayed on this planet for you Maria. Did you forget that?"

"How can I forget when all you do is hold that above my head! Especially when we argue! Talk about tactics, Mr. Guerin you certainly do take the cake!"

This was going nowhere. Maria sighed and turned to her drawers to pull out a shirt and some shorts to wear to bed. As she shuffled around Michael looked on with his hands in his pockets. She found one of Michael's Metallica shirts and gently brushed over it with her fingertips. It was one of the most comfy things she loved wearing. No matter the times she washed it there was always a slight fragrance of Michael still left on there. It reminded her of Irish Spring soap.

"Here," she said holding the Metallica shirt behind her to Michael without looking. Michael took it from her grasp. He had been looking for that shirt for days, weeks actually. "I washed it," she stated calmly as she pulled out a pink long sleeping shirt with some black shorts. She turned deciding she'd head to the bathroom to the change. Even though Michael had seen her plenty of times without any clothes on she wasn't in the mood to put the moves on and craved some privacy from his brooding eyes.

Michael looked on as she left the bedroom, holding the shirt in his hands. He looked around the room deciding to take a seat again on the bed, noting that she was alone, and that Amy DeLuca once again had not returned for days. He fisted the shirt in his hand as he pondered about the many items of Maria's that had made its way into his apartment. Her spare plates and mugs accentuated his kitchen table. Even pots and pans had made its way there. But it was her personal items that Michael adored looking at. Like her shampoo and conditioner of that smelled of jasmine and honey in the caddy of his bathtub. There was also her toothbrush, floss, mouthwash, and toothpaste that seemed to be a part of his medicine cabinet now. Every time he opened it, he'd smile as he saw the pink toothbrush sitting next to the small bottle of blue Listerine mouthwash. He relished having her items at his place. He realized his apartment must feel like a sanctuary to her, being that home was always more often than not empty and desolate without her mother. Home to her had become Michael's apartment, and Michael adored that.

As Maria came back in Michael noticed she had changed and brushed her hair down. He loved it when her hair was down and loose. He could get his hands and fingers tangled in her strands for eternity for all he cared, especially while making love. He wanted to so much to comb his fingers through her hair but he knew she wasn't exactly feeling "chummy" and he didn't want to cause her anymore grief. She didn't know how much he truly loved her and how much he relished in just seeing her. How did she not know that she was on his every thought? How could she not know that? How could she not know that every dream he had included her by his side? True at times he was a jerk, even he realized that, but didn't she know he came from a world where the nicest thing ever said to him was 'I'm going to bed early.' because that meant he didn't need to anything to clean up Hank's mess or deal with Hank.

"Look, Maria come here," he said pulling on her arm forcing to her to sit on his lap. She made a slight whimper as the action caught her off-guard. Michael was notorious for grabbing and pulling Maria around, and while she complained about it, she was secretly a bit turned on by it.

She sighed meeting his gaze as he rested his forehead on hers. "I didn't mean to leave you alone tonight." He said as he caressed her cheek with his thumb.

"Okay. Michael I already said it was ok," Maria softly said.

"Fine."

Enough Talking- fine by him.

Michael noticed she was being more than distant she was downright faraway in mind and soul! She was so loose in his hold. While Maria didn't weigh much to him, he always perceived her to be strong in his grasp, not torn and worn down. Did he do that to her? Did he wear her down? Had he really gotten to her so deeply this way?

She always fought for his attention, for them, for their love, for the "US", but now she had all of a sudden begun to feel tired of it. She was tired of fighting. She was saddened by the defeat, in herself and in the "US" she had been hoping Michael and her would complete. They were together, but they weren't really together at times, and now was a perfect example of that.

"Are you tired?" Michael asked as she rubbed his hand up and down her back. Are you tired of us? He really wanted to ask but was afraid of her answer could be.

"Just sleepy," Maria said nodding finally looking back at him.

"Can I stay the night with you?" Michael asked.

Maria shrugged her shoulders, "sure." Michael was hoping for a more excited response but at this point after screwing up their night so badly he was going to take whatever he could get. He loved her. He loved her so much it scared him but would she ever really know? Not if he didn't muster up the courage of telling her. Sure he was bad with words but he needed to try, after all she deserved that much didn't she?

Maria got up, and Michael peeled the covers down and motioned Maria to go in first. He made sure the bedroom window was locked and went around the house to ensure all the doors and windows were as well. It was one of his little rituals he did when Maria was alone and Amy was out of town. He wanted to make sure she was always protected. Maria's lips finally pursed into a smile as she saw him walking around the house from the corridor left and right making sure everything was secure.

Michael finally entered the room again and closed the door behind him and went to Maria.

"Everything looks safe," Michael said pleased with his work as he went to switch off the light.

"Thanks Mr. Security Guard," Maria said with a smirk. Michael lightly tapped her on the back to motion her to get in.

Maria did so and looked up to see Michael silhouette in the darkness. She heard the thud of his jeans hitting the floor and the jingle of his chain placed on her side dresser. He climbed in next to her and scooped her up in his arms so that her head could rest on his chest. Instantly Maria felt warmth and security but complete solitude was still hard to come by. She couldn't help it her mind was still in conflict. She was still confused as to whether Michael truly cared about her or not.

She lay there so lightly upon him. Michael began to run his fingers through Maria's golden hair. He could tell she was still awake and sometimes doing this helped her fall asleep. He remembered doing this daily the first couple of months after Alex died to pacify her grief. He loved his little angel. He never really told her but he hoped he showed it enough.

Unbeknownst to him, it was not enough. Maria was unraveling and the alien chaos as she liked to say was taking a toll on her heart and now soul. She had given up a lot for Michael Guerin, and while she didn't expect anything in return except for his unconditional love she was beginning to learn that hard lesson that almost every young lady realizes at some point in their life- that love isn't always enough.