Chapter 4- July, 2008

July 3, 2008

Feeling slightly isolated. Haven't seen Cool for a week, even when I was at the library. I think Dr. O'Reilly said he was off on some kind of intense training assignment or something like that. Either way, I hope he's safe.

Is it bad that all I seem to think of nowadays is his hand on mine? That hand, that I'm sure in which he's held weapons and killed, is also the most tender thing I've ever felt. And he called me a person! A person! Not an SCP, not an anomaly, a person! It was…wonderful. Just so wonderful, leaving this warmth, soft and sweet, in my chest.

I've read many love stories in my life, I just never thought I'd ever find myself in one of my own. Wait, was that a confession just now? I…I think it was.

Oh god…as if things weren't complicated enough…

I'm not just friends with a researcher…I think I love him…

Yours,
Caddy

July 10, 2008

Ugh! Why must he make this more difficult! Cool…he's sent me a letter. If distance helps the heart grow fonder, he's doing nothing to help my current situation.

Dr. O'Reilly, bless his soul, delivered the message to me after our session. A part of me is afraid of what he'd think if he knew just how deep my feelings for the man actually go. I don't think he'd sell me out to Gears, but still…you never know who to trust here.

Oh god, if Gears knew…We would both be in huge trouble. Well, I guess now I do have something to hide in this journal. Dang it all! I feel this affection for this man and yet have not a clue what to do about it. 21 Years old and have never felt this way towards anyone, mostly because I've never thought of myself as loveable.

The reason for this goes a lot deeper than one might initially think. I don't want to believe I have problems with self esteem, but if I was completely honest, I really do think I'm unlovable. I haven't received any real affection or love since I was a child. It's not something I really like to think about but given my revelation of my feelings for this Junior Researcher, it may soon become relevant again.

A part of me hopes somehow it doesn't.

Yours,
Caddy

July 17, 2008

He's still not back. I was tempted to write a reply to his letter, but I know it's too dangerous. I feel so alone. I don't even want to go to the library. I know if I went, I'd wind up missing him even more.

The shock from Dr. O'Reilly was expected. Before he assumed the worst, I just told him I wasn't feeling well, which was at least partly true.

I believe the novel term for this is love sickness. And yes, it's as bad as it sounds. Well, maybe not so bad but it still sucks to have. I'm praying for nothing but his safe return. In his letter, he mentioned he wasn't religious like I am, but that he did believe somehow my prayers held power. I'm still not sure how I should feel about that. I find it somewhat empowering but at the same time it reminds me that I'm not…like him.

Love seems to have changed a lot of how I see myself. I'm starting to see myself as most of the general population sees me. A thing. An Anomaly. A Freak.

Or maybe that's just how I am without him. I hope that's it. I'd hate to be so dang self conscious when he comes home.

Yours,
Caddy

July 24, 2008

He's back! But not in the best of conditions I'm afraid. Dr. O'Reilly lied when he said Cool was simply training. No, he and his Mobile Task Force unit were sent to investigate possible Chaos Insurgency activity.

The Chaos Insurgency is the SCP Foundation's number one enemy. While the Foundation Contains and studies anomalies, usually in hopes of putting them to good use, the Chaos Insurgency wants to enslave them to start a New World Order.

I really wish I had been there. I could've protected him, dang it! Instead, he comes home with a bullet lodged in his left shoulder!

And what's worse is I'm not allowed to see him! Gears and members of Site Command forbade it. On top of that, Dr. O'Reilly's sessions with me are going to start being monitored! What a load of crock!

So for now all I can do is pray and hope for the best. Lord, please, if you're listening let him recover swiftly. And let me see him again, even if it's one last time.

Yours,
Caddy

July 31, 2008

I had another session with Dr. O'Reilly and I came really close to telling him my secret. But of course, I knew we were being watched. If anyone knew, I fear we would both be terminated. I don't care if they kill me, let them. But if it comes to that, I don't want him to come to harm, much less because of me.

I may see the Foundation as home, but I still have to play by its rules. Yes, it can be cruel, but at least there's a good reason for said cruelty. The Foundation is cruel to save humanity. The Insurgency is cruel to dominate it.

But there have been days where I've doubted. There have been days I've wondered how different my life would be had I just ran from the house where my foster family left me. Looking back, I probably should've, but…where could an abused, underweight, scarred up 12 year old anomalous girl possibly go without being labeled a freak?

Greed is a terrible thing. Greed and Lust are the worst of the deadly sins in my opinion. I was exploited for two years due to greed. I was abused, beaten, starved, cut, and burned for greed. I myself have never experienced lust, but I've seen what it can do, the destruction it can cause. The life I lived before the Foundation was cruel for cruelty's sake. It was a curse, and a curse I'm glad to be rid of. A curse I'd never wish on anyone.

The Foundation is cruel, yes, but I've found a certain degree of beauty in it. Maybe it's my feelings talking, and there's even cruelty in that. It's cruel he'll never know, cruel we could never be together. But it only makes the few moments we share shine brightly. There's beauty in those moments, the words we say and, in rare cases, write.

I guess you could say it's a cruel beauty.

Yours,
Caddy