Chapter 12. March, 2009
March 7, 2009
There haven't been any further talks of me being reclassified. I did bring up my concerns and fears with Cool, who agreed with me entirely.
"He still believes me a weapon" I said as we sat together in the library.
"Well he doesn't know you like I do" Cool turned me so I was facing him, "And a part of me's glad he doesn't".
"Why?"
He put his hand on my cheek. "Because I never want to see your light corrupted, Cadence. Honestly, there's too much darkness, too much evil in the world. You remind me of everything I've ever fought for. I care about you. I want you to be safe and I'd do whatever it took" he pulled me to his chest and just held me like I was the most precious thing.
I honestly don't feel like I am. When I didn't respond, he continued on.
"It's just…I need to save that light. I don't know why. I just…I don't know".
Was he trying to tell me what I wanted to hear most? I wanted to encourage him to speak his heart, but I knew he wouldn't. To my despair, he let me go. He brushed my hair back behind my ear and looked in my eyes.
"Cool…what are you…"
"I…I don't know…" he looked so vulnerable, like a deer in headlights.
He started to move away but I took his hand.
"Please" my eyes met his and I could see his conflict, "Talk to me".
But he pulled his hand from mine. "I'm sorry…I can't…I'm sorry Cadence. This is something I gotta deal with on my own".
"No you don't" I told him, "Do you…not trust me?" I was hurt at the thought and my eyes stung.
"I trust you. Believe me, Caddy, I trust you more than I trust anyone else here. That's why…I can't say. I'm sorry, Caddy".
"I…I don't understand" I struggled to fight back tears.
"Perhaps it's safer you don't…for the both of us".
"Wait are you" my heart almost stopped, "Ending our friendship?"
"It would be my safest option. To end it, walk away, hope to never see you again" he kept his dark brown eyes on me, "But honestly, I'd never dream of abandoning you that way".
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. It calmed me just slightly, but I couldn't stop the feeling of heartbreak I felt as he walked away from me.
I just don't understand why he won't tell me what's going on. Have I done something wrong?
Yours,
Caddy
March 10, 2009
Three days until his birthday. Cool's been avoiding me. He apparently went to go see Dr. O'Reilly about something, he refused to tell me what happened. Patient confidentiality I suppose.
The question hangs over me like a dark cloud. What have I done wrong? I bumped into Cool as I was going to see O'Reilly myself. He seemed stressed, hurried, at the sight of me. Before I could even say Hi, he rushed past me. I wanted to call for him but the words died in my throat.
I love him. I want to set things right, but I'm afraid he won't let me. He said he wasn't ending our friendship yet I feel it slowly dying. I want to confront him…but I'm scared to.
Does that make me a coward? I want him to be safe and happy. I can't do either unless I know what I've done.
Later…
Came into Dr. O'Reilly's office with nothing but came out with a clue. Cool wants me to meet him in our "Secret Spot" (Dr. O'Reilly's words, not mine) on his birthday, in hopes of clearing things up. I can only hope that he doesn't plan on putting an end to us.
Honestly, the man's the only thing in this world I think I would die without.
Yours,
Caddy
March 12, 2009
Tragedy has struck my dear doctor today. Dr. O'Reilly's wife passed away last night. I feel terrible. All this time I've been focused on my problems I didn't bother to ask Dr. O'Reilly about his. He's gone back to Site 17 to plan the funeral. He gave me, Iris, Carlisle, and Cool invites, but I doubt me and my fellow anomalies will be able to go.
I've tried to produce a good birthday present for Cool, but I can't seem to get Aquamarine like I want. Jet seems to be all I can make. I guess it fits, as I can't seem to feel much of anything positive. Sadness, guilt, and fear are the only things I seem to be able to feel now.
It feels nowadays like everything's going wrong. I'm losing my friends, losing control, and I don't understand why. I tried prayer but it doesn't seem like anyone's listening. Meditation brought me some peace of mind, but it didn't lighten my mood.
And then there came the knock on the door. I'm not allowed to open the door to my cell so I called that it was open, as I slipped my gloves back on. When I looked up, Cool was in the doorway. Unsure of what to say I just stared.
"Hey" he said simply.
"H-hi" I replied, "I wasn't expecting…visitors".
"Well…I…uh…I wanted to check on you. Derrick's left you in my care again".
"Sorry" I said looking down.
"For what? I really don't mind keeping an eye on you, Caddy".
"Even when not on the best of terms?"
He gave me a slight shrug. "It's not you, if that's what you're worried about".
"Then what is it? We're friends Cool. You can trust me with anything".
"I know, and I promise you, tomorrow I'll tell you what you want to know".
"Why not here and now?"
"Too many listeners. You know where to find me?"
I nodded. "Dr. O 'Reilly told me".
"Good. I'll see you then" he turned to leave but looked at me over his shoulder, "By the way, I happen to love jet. It's one of my favorites".
I still have no idea what to say to that. He's gone, but I'll try to get some sleep anyway.
Yours,
Caddy
March 13, 2009
I…I'm in shock…still. I can't believe it…he…he admitted it. Cool, he…oh my god, he loves me. He actually said it!
Furthermore, he kissed me! Oh my god…I tried not to return it, but it was so right. It felt amazing. I feel complete for the first time in well, my whole life.
Okay, so I'll start from the beginning…
I was fully prepared to go out in the cold when Paladin came for me. It seemed he had been recruited into this little mission. Careful so as to not be seen, I followed him out to the grounds. After disabling the security devices around the gates, he let me out.
"You know your way?" he asked.
I nodded. Though physically I had only been there twice, I've been to Cool's cavern enough times in my dreams to memorize it. I followed the path that felt so familiar, close to the creek, until I finally saw him sitting at the cave's mouth, reading aloud one of my favorite poems.
"Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence. In your most frail gesture of things which enclose me, or which I cannot touch, because they are too near".
I couldn't help it. I picked up where he left off.
"Your slightest look easily will unclose me, though I have closed myself as fingers, you open always, petal by petal, myself as spring opens. Touching, skillfully, mysteriously, her first rose".
Cool smirked. "Or, if your wish be to close me, I, and my life will shut, very beautifully. Suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow".
"Carefully-"
"Everywhere descending".
I sat with him and I could read the next part of the poem.
"Nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals to the power of your intense fragility, whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death, and forever, with each breathing".
Cool brushed some hair back behind my ear and caressed my gloved hand. I looked at him, caught off by the gentle touch.
"I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens. Only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses".
"Nobody-"
"Not even the rain-"
"Has such small hands" we finished together.
I laughed and looked down at our now entwined hands. I put my head on his shoulder.
"Happy birthday" I said and reached into my coat to pull out my gift.
It was a simple necklace of silver with three pointed crystals on it. In the middle was the longest piece, a jet. To its left was a pointed, unpolished diamond. On the right was an aquamarine, also unpolished.
"Wow…another amazing work. Wonderful job, Caddy".
I smiled and slipped it around his neck. "I'm glad you like it. Now, I believe you said you had something to tell me?"
"O-oh…uh…well…Caddy, things lately have been…complicated".
"Why? Is there something wrong?"
"Cadence…When I…When I look at you, I just…I feel different. I truly mean it. You are a wonderful, beautiful woman, Caddy. You may not realize it, but you're one of the strongest women I've ever come in contact with".
"I'm not that strong. I like to pretend I am sometimes-"
"Believe me when I say that you are. You survived severe trauma that would break anyone. You've come a long way from what Dr. O'Reilly told me, from a cowering abused child to a beautiful, strong, and confidant woman" he smiled, "And very brave to boot".
"More like foolish".
"You've faced dangers not of your own choice. You've been forced to. It's not foolish if it isn't your doing".
"What are you trying to say exactly?"
"Caddy" he looked me in the eyes, "I know it's wrong. You're an anomaly, an SCP, a specimen for research…an…an object in the eyes of my mentor. But after all that's happened, after all we've shared, I can't see you that way. I don't even think I ever have".
"How do you see me?" I dared to ask.
He put his head to mine as I moved from his shoulder. Cool now had a hold of both of my hands, strong but soft.
"I see you…not as a woman, but a treasure. A treasure I'd guard and cherish and…love always. I love you, Cadence Leah Revan".
Before I could even react, his mouth was on mine. I lost the will to fight. I moved my hands from his and wrapped my arms around his neck. He responded by wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into his chest. I felt the strong beat of his heart, like a bird trying to escape a cage. It was beautiful, kissing him, my very first kiss actually. Out in the woods, at the mouth of the cavern he loved so much…and it was me! Me that he loves, that he treasures.
But as we parted, the reality of the situation hit me. He was a researcher with a bright future. I was just an object to gawk at, poked, and prodded at. He deserved better than some…anomaly, a freak who couldn't even touch him with her bare hands without hurting him.
"Cadence…" he put one of my hands to his cheek.
I tried not to cry. I didn't want to hurt him, to break his heart. This was all I ever dreamed of, all I ever wanted. I loved him. I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted to keep him safe no matter the cost. I shook my head.
"I…I Can't".
"What? Caddy…but, I don't understand. Derrick said-"
"He told you didn't he?!" I got up suddenly feeling betrayed and angry.
"Before you blame him, you need to know…I told him my feelings for you first".
"You…you did?"
He nodded. "Yes, I did".
"And..were you surprised at all?"
"I had a gut feeling you had feelings for me".
"We still can't do this. Not that I don't want this. Trust me, this is all I've ever wanted. But…we're on two different paths here. I'm just…I'm just a thing for research. I ruin everything that I touch, literally. Without these" I looked at my hands, "I could-".
He caught my lips again in another kiss and I didn't bother objecting. He pulled away after a minute and I was breathless by the soft gaze he held. It was the same look he gave me when we first saw each other at the library. That look…was near unbeatable. I love him. But I have to think of his and my own safety first.
"You know what will happen if Gears or any of the higher ups found out" I felt terrible for bringing it up looking back on it.
"And you aren't willing to take a chance?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Not on your life".
"Damn it Caddy, I could give a damn less what happens to me! Cadence, what are we doing?! We're wasting all this…I love you, Caddy, and I'd never let anyone hurt you. What good is life without risks? What's progress without sacrifice?! Nothing! I'd rather they kill us both tomorrow if they knew the truth then live through it all without ever trying".
"But your own life? Wouldn't the price of us be too high?"
"I'd do anything, risk my own life to keep you safe" he caressed my cheek, "Please Cadence…"
I hated to pull away. "I'm…sorry, but it isn't worth us risking our lives" my voice broke, "It's just…not meant…no matter how much either of us want it".
I fought back my tears as I could see the heartbreak in his eyes. I kissed his cheek.
"Forgive me, but I'll always be here for you. And if they take you from me, I will always find you".
And I mean it. I can't love him anymore than I do now. I have to keep him safe, no matter what happens to me.
Yours,
Caddy
March 20, 2009
Cool went to the funeral, though he never Mrs. O'Reilly to my knowledge. I think he went just to avoid seeing me. Not that it really matters as I haven't left my cell since his birthday. Iris is worried as I don't even want to go to the library or even join her and Carlisle for a friendly meal.
I want to tell her what happened. I want to tell her of my foolish decision to give up my one chance at happiness. And I did it all to save him. Like Cool, I don't care what happens to me. I just want him safe.
But I can't help but wonder if this is the choice 106 talked about before. Was I supposed to take the chance? Or did I actually do the right thing?
Nothing seems right anymore. I'm starting to fear what my next choice may bring. Why can't love just be simple? Oh that's right, I'm an anomaly, so life, and it's inner workings, can never be simple! Ugh!
Yours,
Caddy
March 27, 2009
Clef offered another walk with me, unsupervised this time. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't turn it down. Unsupervised activities for me are rare, and I had a feeling we'd be discussing something important. I put my gloves on and tried to seem as normal as possible.
But it wasn't enough. The off putting researcher knew something was wrong. I didn't bother asking how he knew.
"I'm assuming it has to do with your friend" he said as we walked, "Your…depressive state I mean".
I sighed. "It's a long story".
"Well I got nothing but time, Caddy".
"I don't really think I should talk about it".
"Why? Afraid I'll turn around and tell Gears? You know I'm on your side, right?"
"You still could. You're still a friend of his".
"That bastard doesn't have friends and to be truthful, I really don't either. Just people I know. Some I just keep…closer than others. And besides, what reason would I have to tell him? The man's got his hands full enough as is. Who am I to add on to anything? If you don't want me to tell him I won't. I just wanna be a good associate and help you out".
I stopped. "You swear not to tell him?"
"You have my word, Cadence. Whatever you tell me, Gears will never hear a word of it".
With that in mind, I couldn't hold back the truth. I didn't want to.
"Clef…I'm in love".
His dual colored eyes widened in interest. "Oh?"
"Yes…I love his research assistant".
Clef's look didn't fade. "Wow…so, Cool huh? And let me guess, you told him and he freaked out?"
"Not exactly" I shook my head, "He told me he loves me".
"Holy shit…so what? You love him, he loves you. What's the issue?"
"researchers aren't supposed to bond with SCP items. You know what the penalty is".
"Termination" Clef looked thoughtful, "So…what happened?"
"To protect him, I told him we couldn't happen. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm wrong".
"I can understand your concern there, Caddy. Believe me, I can. Love's not easy, even less so when you're an SCP".
"Any advice?"
"Well, I really don't think you should rule him out just yet. Cool's a good guy, helped to save your life…Man I feel stupid for not guessing this sooner".
"So, what should I do?" I asked, "Did I do the right thing?"
"Right is such a subjective term. Not really the right thing, but you did do the smart thing".
"What's the difference?"
"You did the smart thing logically. But you didn't do what was right by you. You've lived your whole life bound by either your foster family or by the rules of the Foundation. It's only natural you would want something for yourself".
I looked down. "I just wanted him safe".
"As well you should, and I don't blame you. But it's not truly what either one of you wants. You want him safe but he's willing to blow caution to the wind. Reckless, sure, but it could prove worth it".
"And if it doesn't?"
Clef shrugged. "Well, then at least no one can say you never tried. This is your first love, Cadence. Make it worth it. Make it memorable. Take chances, make mistakes, but have no regrets. You know, now that I think about it, that's the best advice I think I've given to anyone here…Go me".
I couldn't help but crack a smile. I have taken his advice into consideration. I don't regret loving Cool, I don't think I ever could. Maybe that's one of life's biggest lessons: To not regret anything because at one point, it was you something you wanted.
Yours,
Caddy