Emilia Crane returned home excited to tell her husband the news. She entered the living room to see Jonathan Crane rocking his son gently, who dozed in his arms, while their eldest daughter Katrina sat next to him on the sofa, pointing at words in books. Crane pronounced them for her, helping her read, while the middle daughter, Annabel, was attempting to climb up the sofa cushions and over the edge, an act Crane had to keep constantly telling her not to do, reaching an arm out to prevent her from falling. Their pet raven Lenore also kept an eye on her from her perch, squawking when Annabel got too close to the edge.
"Caustraflobia," said Katrina.
"Very nearly, my dear, try again," said Crane. "Claustrophobia."
"Kloztafobia," repeated Katrina.
"Yes, you're very close," said Crane. "Annabel, dearest, please stop climbing before you hurt yourself, for the last time."
Annabel gurgled some incomprehensible jargon, and began climbing up Crane's arm.
"Kalistafobia is fear of small spaces, huh, Daddy?" asked Katrina.
"Claustrophobia is, yes, my dear," said Crane. "Very good."
"And what's this one?" Katrina asked, pointing to a word. Her eyes narrowed as she tried to sound it out. "Arasnoflobia."
"Arachnophobia," said Crane. "Fear of spiders."
"I think I have alacktroflobia," said Katrina, nodding. "I don't like spiders."
"Well, not liking something and being afraid of something are two different things, my dear," said Crane. "You can dislike Brussels sprouts but not be afraid of Brussels sprouts, for example."
"I do dislike Brussels sprouts," said Katrina, nodding.
"Well, you're a growing child, so you have to eat them anyway," said Crane.
Katrina made a face. "What if I'm afraid of Brussels sprouts?" she asked, hopefully.
"You're not," said Crane, kissing her. "So don't try to get out of eating them by claiming you are."
Annabel fell into Crane's lap at that moment, an action which woke her brother who began crying. Emilia smiled.
"Looks like I got home just in time," she commented. "That's his hungry cry."
"Yes, you have excellent timing, my angel," said Crane, handing Irving to Emilia and kissing her. "Now Annabel, come here and sit quietly and let's help Katrina study her book."
Annabel made some more noises, sticking her thumb in her mouth. "Such a little chatterbox – I don't know who you get that from," said Crane.
"She probably just wants to join in the reading," said Emilia, as she fed Irving. "Though really, I'm almost afraid that book is too advanced for Katrina."
"It's fine, Mommy," said Katrina. "I can do it."
"She can do it," repeated Crane, nodding. "And she'll go far with that kind of determination."
"Nevertheless, I think something like The Cat in the Hat would probably be better for a child her age than A Dictionary of Common Phobias," said Emilia.
"I want to learn, Mommy," said Katrina. "I want to be as smart as you and Daddy one day, and I have a lot of catching up to do. I'd better start as soon as I can."
Emilia smiled at her daughter as Crane planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Beauty and brains, just like her mother," he said.
"You're a shameful flatterer, Jonathan Crane, and I love you for it," retorted Emilia. "In fact, I love you so much that I've prepared a surprise for you for Valentine's Day weekend. I've just been to see Harley about it."
Crane looked at her, puzzled. "I'm sorry, I fail to see the connection. What could Harley possibly have to do with your surprise for me for Valentine's Day weekend?"
"Well, nothing like what you're thinking," retorted Emilia.
"I'm not thinking anything!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, you were," she replied, grinning at him. "But frankly I don't think Harley's into that sort of thing, and neither am I."
"I wasn't thinking that!" he protested. "I was just asking a perfectly innocent question!"
Emilia smiled. "Katrina, my darling, how would you like to spend next weekend with your Auntie Harley and Uncle Joker?" she asked the child.
"Not very much," replied Katrina. "Arleen and J.J. are always too loud and energetic. They always want me to play with them and can't leave me to my reading."
"They're just being friendly, my darling," said Emilia. "That's just their way."
"Well, my way is to want to ignore them and read," retorted Katrina.
"She's a lot like her father too, isn't she?" asked Emilia, smiling at Crane. "Anyway, it's just for one weekend, Katrina, and it's all settled. I'll tell your Auntie Harley to allow you to have some time alone to practice reading – I'm sure she'll be happy to help you."
"She won't be as good at it as Daddy," retorted Katrina.
"Well, no, your Daddy's better at most things than a lot of people," said Emilia, lightly. "Which is one of the reasons why I'm taking him to a couples retreat for Valentine's Day weekend with just the two of us."
Crane smiled. "My dear, I do appreciate the thought," he said. "But we can't possibly leave the children with Harley."
"Why not?" asked Emilia.
"Well…Irving's still so young," he said, nodding at his son.
"Harley's had experience with very young children," said Emilia. "And Irving's been bottle-fed before – I'm sure he won't mind it this weekend."
"And…Annabel is a very rambunctious child," said Crane, nodding at his middle daughter who was attempting to climb up onto his shoulders.
"Harley's also used to dealing with those – Annabel seems positively calm compared to her children," retorted Emilia.
"And Katrina…wants me to help with her reading," said Crane. "I wouldn't be a very good father if I disappointed her."
"Well, you won't be a very good husband if you disappoint my plans for the weekend," said Emilia. "And I must say, I'm rather offended how unenthusiastic you seem to be about them."
"It's nothing personal, my dear, really," he said. "I just…don't trust the clowns to babysit. Why don't we ask Jervis instead?"
"Jervis probably has his hands full with Alice," said Emilia. "Anyway, he's not used to dealing with babies."
"I'd prefer Uncle Jervis to Aunt Harley," said Katrina. "He lets me read in peace, and helps me with big words."
"And if it were just you, my darling, you could go stay with Uncle Jervis next weekend," said Emilia, nodding. "But I really think Auntie Harley's the better alternative for your brother and sister. Uncle Jervis has never had a baby to take care of, and they can be quite the handful. I just don't want to dump this responsibility on him when he hasn't had any experience, and especially when he's trying to settle into his new life with his goddaughter."
"I do see your point, my dear," sighed Crane. "And Harley was willing, was she? Don't she and the Joker have plans for Valentine's Day?"
"You know the Joker's not the most romantic of men," said Emilia. "Harley said it wouldn't be a problem."
Crane sighed. "Very well. But on your head be it if something goes wrong."
"You're not the most romantic of men either, you know," retorted Emilia. "Any other man in the world would be thrilled when his wife books a romantic getaway for the two of them at a fancy resort."
"I am thrilled," he said. "I just don't like the thought of my precious angels in the hands of those lunatics."
"They'll be perfectly safe, Jonathan," retorted Emilia. "Honestly, you're just being silly. Harley is an excellent mother to her children – she'll be an excellent carer for ours."
"It's not her I'm concerned about," retorted Crane. "It's the clown."
"Oh, he'll probably barely be there," said Emilia. "Knowing him, he'll have plans with Batman."
"On Valentine's Day weekend?" asked Crane. Then he shrugged. "Actually, that doesn't seem at all out of character for him."
"There, you see? It'll be fine," said Emilia, standing up to carry Irving away to his crib for his nap. "You're a difficult man to please, Jonathan Crane," she said. "I book an intimate weekend for the two of us and all you do is complain. I suppose I'll have to up the ante now. I saw some pink and black lace lingerie in a shop on my way home, but I didn't buy it because it was far too expensive. Well, now I'm going to buy it, and maybe that'll excite you. That's what you get for being so difficult to impress."
She bent down to kiss him, and then took Irving to bed. Crane wasn't sure exactly what just happened, or why his wife buying lingerie was phrased as a punishment for him, but he certainly wasn't going to complain about it.
"Daddy, what's that word?" asked Katrina, pointing.
"Coulrophobia," said Crane. "Fear of clowns."
"If I say I have that, can I stay with Uncle Jervis?" asked Katrina.
"No, my darling," he laughed. "You heard your mother. It will be absolutely fine," he said, with more confidence than he felt. He only hoped that Katrina and both his other children wouldn't develop coulrophobia by the end of the weekend.