Joker cackled gleefully to himself as he examined the plan he had drawn up for Batman's ultimate humiliation. "And it's just perfect for Valentine's Day, too!" he declared, to no one in particular. "I'm gonna call it 'Eat Your Heart Out.' And then I'm gonna make the hostages do just that! It's got it all – comedy, pain, violence! Oh, if I don't break Batsy's mind by the end of it, then I might as well stop trying!"
He whistled as he put the finishing touches on the drawing, adding a bit more blood, and hearts in the margins of the crudely drawn sketch. And then he hung it up on the wall to study it proudly. "Yes, sir, it'll be a Valentine's Day to remember!" he chuckled. "Better than the Valentine's Day Massacre, or my name ain't the Joker!"
He continued whistling as he left his study and wandered back into the living room, where his children were chasing their pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, around the the room, while Harley sat on the sofa, reading a book.
"Good news, Harl!" he declared. "I got the perfect Valentine's Day scheme planned for the Bat! I get a buncha hostages, tie 'em up somewhere, and then guess what I'm gonna make 'em do until Batsy shows up? I'll give you a hint: the plan's called 'Eat Your Heart Out.'"
"I dunno, puddin'," said Harley, her eyes focused on the book. "What are you gonna make 'em do?"
Joker's smile fell into a frown. "What are you, thick?" he demanded. "I just said the scheme was called 'Eat Your Heart Out!'"
"You're gonna make 'em eat those little tangy heart candies until they get diabetes?" guessed Harley, still trying to concentrate on her novel.
Joker stared at her. "What kinda ridiculous scheme would that be?!" he demanded. "Jesus, Harley, you really are a dumb blonde, ain't ya?!"
"Guess so, puddin'," agreed Harley, absently.
Joker's frown deepened. "Harley, are you even listening?" he asked.
"Sure I am, puddin'," she said, nodding but not looking up from the book. "You got a Valentine's Day scheme for the Bat. That's great."
"Really? You actually think it is?" asked Joker, surprised. "Because normally you'd be nagging me not to spend time with the Bat on Valentine's Day. You'd say it's a day to celebrate true love and therefore our special day as a couple."
"Yeah, maybe I'd usually be doing that," agreed Harley, nodding. "But I got plans this Valentine's Day too."
"You made plans on Valentine's Day without me?" asked Joker, offended.
"You make plans on Valentine's Day without me every year," replied Harley.
"Let me guess – you and the Weed Lady are gonna get horrendously drunk while lamenting the fact that men can't commit and saying they should all be ritually disemboweled," said Joker. "Meaning you're sticking me with the kiddies to try to ruin my plans with Bats."
"Nope," replied Harley. "Red's got plans. And I'm babysitting Johnny's kids while him and Emilia are away at a couples retreat for the weekend."
"What? We gotta take care of the nerd kids?" demanded Joker.
"You don't gotta do anything," retorted Harley, looking up from her book at last. "You can go off to fight Bats. The kiddies are my responsibility. I don't need your help."
She returned her attention to her book, while Joker just stared at her. "So that means…we won't…you won't…be…needy on Valentine's Day?" he asked. "Not gonna be in your normally frisky, won't-take-no-for-an-answer mood, huh?"
"Can't, with the kiddies here," said Harley. "Anyway, we've been together a lotta years, Mr. J, and every year I have to go through the same old routine. It's a lot of effort, and I'm kinda tired of it. So this year I won't make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. You go off to see the Bat, and I'll take care of the kiddies. Nobody's forced into doing stuff they don't wanna do, and everybody's happy."
Joker studied her, open-mouthed. It was inconceivable that Harley wasn't angry about him wanting to fight Batman on Valentine's Day. It was even more inconceivable that she didn't intend to nag and pester him for sex all day. A huge relief, of course, he thought, but still, didn't the dumb blonde have any respect for tradition?
He didn't like to think she was losing interest in him. But what else could this kinda behavior mean from her? Well, if she was, she was an idiot. The Joker knew himself to be the handsomest, cleverest, funniest criminal genius who ever lived, and if Harley couldn't appreciate that, he was better off rid of her. She could go find someone else who would be willing to grovel to her and pander to her insatiable needs. But that someone wouldn't be the Joker.
He was about to tell her that when his daughter suddenly ran into his arms. "Daddy, Daddy, it's almost time for my favorite show!" she exclaimed. "Will you watch it with me, Daddy? Please?"
"Of course, princess, anything you want," said Joker, picking her up. "You want Daddy to do the funny voices and tell you about the creative ways he'd kill each character again?"
"Yep, and Mommy can watch too!" said Arleen, pointing. "She sounds just like my favorite pony! Well, technically she's a unicorn. Well, technically she's an alicorn now, because she's got a unicorn horn and pegasus wings…"
"I can't wait to hear about how you're gonna kill 'em all, Daddy," said J.J., taking a seat on the floor in front of the TV as Joker flicked on the screen to reveal brightly colored ponies learning about the magic of friendship.
He glanced over at Harley, who he didn't think sounded much like Arleen's favorite pony at all, but then kids had good imaginations. Her mother had quite the imagination too, but thankfully he wasn't going to be subjected to it this year. He was relieved about it, he really was, as crazy as it was for Harley to feel that way. But then she was a pretty crazy dame. But her craziness was usually based around him – he was the focal point of her madness. All of her insanity was because of her mad love for him, and he was the sole object of her obsessive desires. To have her disinterested in him was scarily sane, and Harley just wasn't sane. It was all wrong.
Plus she had said that nerd Crane and his wife were going to a romantic retreat. Something was really wrong with the world when some pathetic loser like Crane got a weekend of sex, and he, the Joker, was left alone to fight Batman while Harley didn't even attempt to get sex out of him, and chose to take care of a bunch of nerdy kids instead. It was all madness, and not the kinda madness Joker enjoyed. And he was putting a stop to it right now.
He waited for a commercial break, and then stood up. "Harley, can I have a word in private?" he asked.
"But Daddy, my show!" exclaimed Arleen.
"I'll be back before it starts again, sweetie, I promise," said Joker, kissing her.
Harley followed him into the kitchen and shut the door. "Now look here, toots," he snapped. "I have no intention of being discarded like a used whoopie cushion this Valentine's Day in favor of some snot-nosed kids! You tell Johnny he takes care of his own brats, because we got plans!"
"But we don't got plans," retorted Harley. "And I already told him I would take care of his kids. I won't go back on my promise, Mr. J. They don't have anyone else to babysit."
"What about Tetchy?" asked Joker. "He loves kids! But apparently not in that way…"
"They asked me," said Harley. "And I said yes. It's all settled and done. I'm sorry you don't like it, Mr. J, but it's really got nothing to do with you."
"How can our Valentine's Day plans have nothing to do with me?!" demanded Joker. "What else is the point of this stupid holiday if not to force men to do dumb romantic crap they otherwise wouldn't do if not for the promise of sex?!"
"You don't do anything for the promise of sex!" snapped Harley. "That's me!"
"Yeah, so why ain't you bending over backwards to try and appease me on Valentine's Day so you'll get some?" demanded Joker. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You losing interest? Is there somebody else? So help me, if there is, I'm gonna make him eat his heart out, and if you leave me, you ungrateful brat, I'm getting sole custody of the kiddies!"
"Mr. J, stop!" snapped Harley. "You're just being paranoid. Of course there's no one else. And the only thing I'm losing interest in is having to go through a million different hurdles with you to finally get a physical reward! It ain't worth the effort! That's just how I feel this year, and I don't understand why you'd object to me looking after Johnny's kids while you go fight Batman, just like you always want to do!"
"Because it's wrong that Professor Lame gets more action on Valentine's Day than I do!" roared Joker. "That shouldn't happen in any universe, and I won't stand for it!"
"You don't have a choice," snapped Harley. "So just try to make the best of it, Mr. J. Just smile. I know you're good at that.
She stormed out of the room, leaving Joker fuming. He returned to the living room, resuming his seat in front of the TV and telling Arleen his plans for killing the ponies, while also formulating new plans of his own this Valentine's Day.