Joker drove into the parking lot of the couples retreat, whistling. "Wow, fancy looking place," he commented, to no one in particular. He got out of the car and then went around to the trunk, popping it open to reveal a bound, gagged, and furious-looking Harley.
"Why did you keep me locked in the trunk the whole drive?!" she shrieked as he finally removed her gag.
"I didn't trust you not to fly off the handle and try to make me turn the car around," he retorted, shrugging.
"Oh, I've gone way beyond flying off the handle!" she screamed. "You horrible creep! Johnny trusted me to watch his kids, but now you've gone and dumped them and ours on Jervis, who doesn't have any idea what he's doing! I'm still responsible for them! If something happens to them, it'll be all my fault!"
"No, it won't, sweets," said Joker. "You were tied up in a trunk – there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. This way you can absolve yourself of all responsibility by being the victim of a kidnapping. And now you can just relax and enjoy your romantic getaway with your adoring Mr. J without worrying about anyone else's little brats."
"You sick bastard!" shrieked Harley. "You kidnapped me to take me on a surprise romantic getaway?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"You should know by now!" he chuckled. "And if you don't, you'll find out this weekend! Got a lot of wrong things planned for it, toots!" he chuckled, lifting her still tied up form over his shoulder and heading for the entrance to the retreat. Harley shrieked and struggled against her ropes, furious, but the Joker was an expert at restraining people, and her struggles were mostly useless.
The attendant at reception paled when he saw who had walked through the door of the retreat. "Oh…my God," he stammered.
"Well, not quite," chuckled Joker. "But she'll be calling me that pretty frequently later tonight, won't you, toots?" he laughed, slapping Harley on the bottom. She screamed out a stream of insults at him, still struggling futilely against her ropes. "I'd like your best, most romantic suite of rooms, please," Joker said, smiling at the attendant.
"Um…it's Valentine's Day weekend, so…we're sorta…fully booked," stammered the attendant.
"Well, I'm sure you can accommodate me," said Joker, still smiling. "Because if I don't get a romantic weekend here, nobody gets a romantic weekend here, because this place will no longer be here, because I'll blow it up with everyone inside it. So I suggest you give me the keys to your best, most romantic suite of rooms and disappoint somebody else."
"Um…yes, right away, Mr. Joker, sir," stammered the attendant, thinking that was the best way to preserve his life. At that moment, another couple entered the retreat, holding hands and smiling at each other…smiles that instantly fell when they saw Joker and Harley.
"What the devil are you doing here?!" demanded Jonathan Crane. "And where the devil are our children?!"
"Johnny, I'm so sorry!" cried Harley. "I never woulda left them of my own free will! But this dumb jerk here kidnapped me and took the kiddies to Jervis's so the two of us could have a romantic weekend together!"
"Yeah, you ain't the only supercriminal getting laid this weekend," retorted Joker. "So just get used to it, Johnny. That's what you get for bragging about your fancy, romantic, Valentine's Day plans and rubbing them in our faces!"
"I never…you dumped all the children on Jervis?!" demanded Crane. "He can't handle five young children on his own!"
"Six including Alice," said Emilia.
"And two hyenas, a raven, and a partridge in a pear tree!" chuckled Joker. "He'll be fine – he loves kids and animals! He's probably in heaven right now! He can make 'em all wear little costumes the way he does with his lab mice. And if worst comes to worst, he can always use his little mind control chips on the kiddies to make 'em behave."
"Oh my God, I'm calling him now!" snapped Crane, pulling out his phone. "He can't subject my children to mind control – I won't stand for it!"
"Jonathan, he's not going to do that," said Emilia, soothingly. "Anyway, I thought you wanted Jervis looking after the children."
"Yes, our children, not our children plus their children plus a bunch of animals!" exclaimed Crane. "We have to cancel – we have to go back home right now…"
"Great, we'll have your room!" said Joker, beaming.
"Jonathan, we're not canceling," snapped Emilia. "I'm sure even if you call Jervis, he'll tell us not to change our weekend plans. It would make him feel just awful if we came all the way back because we didn't trust him to take care of our children. Plus Katrina is certainly much happier there. He has our number in case of emergencies, but really, perhaps this has all worked out for the best."
Crane was unconvinced. "This is all your fault!" he hissed at Joker. "You couldn't just let things go according to plan, could you?! You always have to ruin everything with your particular brand of unfunny, extraordinarily irritating humor! You probably think this is all terribly funny, but it's not! It's not, and I hope to God this weekend is ruined for you before it's even begun! I hope every activity you try proves a monumental failure - I hope you ski into a tree, I hope you're attacked by wild animals on the nature walks, I hope you get chlorine in your eyes at the swimming pool, I hope your horse throws you from its back, and I hope you're cursed with sudden and completely incurable impotence! No offense, Harley."
"None taken," said Harley, glaring at Joker. "He ain't getting anything from me after this stunt. I'll see to it."
"Harley, you're such a little tease," laughed Joker, pinching her cheek. She snapped at his hand. "This is just how we love," sighed Joker, adjusting her tied form on his shoulder. "But save the violence for the bedroom, huh, kiddo? You little minx, you!"
"Oh God, how could this weekend get any worse?" hissed Crane, as Emilia collected the key to their room and they headed for the stairs.
"Well, don't you ruin our weekend before it's begun by being miserable," she retorted. "We don't have to interact with the clowns, after all. I'm mean, we'll probably see them at meal times, but we can avoid any activities they might be doing. And if worst comes to worst, we can always just…stay in our room," she murmured, kissing him.
"If that's the worst situation, my darling, then you're right – this weekend might not be so bad after all," he murmured, smiling at her.
"I'm glad you think so," she replied, grinning. "Now let's go see what the bedroom is like."
Joker waited in the lobby with Harley tied over his shoulder as the attendant made some last minute cancellation calls to angry customers. At last he let out a sigh of relief, and handed a set of keys to Joker. "There you go, Mr. Joker, sir – our finest suite."
"Hey, great!" exclaimed Joker, looking at the number. "This is the room next to Craney's! That's gonna be handy for all sorts of comedy! I tell ya, Harl, this is like the setup to a hilarious sitcom! Two couples, one resort, and one talented prankster, yours truly! I don't know how it could get any more perfect!"
At that moment, another couple walked through the retreat's entrance…a couple whose faces fell in horror when they saw the Joker standing there. "Hey, kitty pie!" chuckled Joker, waving. "And billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne! I take it back – it just got more perfect!"