"I can't believe you'd do this to me, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, as she was untied at last in their room. The first hour of her being freed had resulted in a massive fight with the Joker, but unlike their usual exchange of beatings, the two hadn't ended up in bed together. Harley still seemed genuinely annoyed at him, which Joker didn't understand at all. He had thought she'd be pleased by the surprise, but she just seemed angry. He just didn't understand women, he reasoned – they were too irrational even for him.
"Now we're stuck in this retreat all weekend, and I didn't even bring any clothes!" she exclaimed.
"Don't worry, toots – you won't need 'em this weekend!" chuckled Joker, spanking her. She slapped him, and then headed over to the mini-bar.
Joker shrugged, picking up a glass which he then held against the neighboring wall.
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Harley.
"Listening in on Johnny's private time," said Joker.
"Why?" she demanded.
"Might be useful for comedy later," he retorted. "They probably say some pretty embarrassing, private things during intercourse - everyone does. I'm gonna take notes," he said, flipping out a notebook.
"You're really sick, you know that?" demanded Harley, reaching for a bottle of wine. "And we're gonna need more than this mini-bar if I have to put up with you all weekend."
"Why are you in such a bad mood, toots?" demanded Joker. "This whole weekend is meant to be us relaxing and having a little fun!"
"Listening to other people having sex isn't fun for me, Mr. J," snapped Harley.
"Well, you wanna have some sex of our own?" he asked.
"No," she retorted.
"Why not? Don't you find me attractive anymore?" demanded Joker.
"I just ain't in the mood after you kidnapped me and dragged me here against my will!" snapped Harley.
"But I thought you'd love being kidnapped and dragged to a romantic resort against your will on Valentine's Day!" protested Joker.
"Ordinarily I would," retorted Harley, nodding. "But I'm supposed to be watching the kiddies! I can't just forget them as easily as you can, Mr. J!"
"I'm not forgetting the kiddies!" he said. "We're just taking a break from them for one weekend! Parents are allowed to do that!"
"Mr. J, it's not that I don't trust Jervis, just…picture this," snapped Harley. "He's got all the kiddies at his place, and suddenly Batman shows up. Jervis is cured now – he ain't gonna risk fighting Batman to protect the kiddies from him. And even if he does, Batman's gonna win. So say we're away, and Bats shows up, and takes our kiddies away from us forever, and we never see them again, and I didn't even get to say goodbye, or tell 'em I love 'em, or hold 'em one last time, or…"
"Woah, woah, woah, relax," said Joker, as Harley began hyperventilating. "That ain't gonna happen. Bats probably has plans for Valentine's Day weekend too."
"His plan is to fight you!" shrieked Harley. "But you're not there either! At least if I were there, I could protect the kiddies, but now…"
She broke off sobbing. "Honey, baby, pumpkin pie…" began Joker, trying to soothe her.
"Don't touch me!" she snapped. "If something happens to them, it's all your fault! And I'll never forgive you! Never!"
"Harley, Batsy definitely has better things to do with his time on Valentine's Day than go after our kiddies," said Joker.
"I certainly hope he does, puddin'," snapped Harley. "For your sake."
…
"Selina, I'm not comfortable staying here with the Joker all weekend," growled Bruce Wayne, in their separate suite of rooms.
"You're not staying here with the Joker all weekend – you're staying here with me," snapped Selina Kyle. "Although I'm sure Joker would be up for staying the weekend with you once you tell him your secret identity."
"You know what I mean," Bruce retorted. "I wasn't comfortable with being away from Gotham this weekend anyway, but I'm even less comfortable being here with that clown causing trouble!"
"Lucky thing Batman's around to stop him, isn't it?" snapped Selina. "I'm no happier about him being here than you are – it means I'm gonna be completely ignored all weekend while you follow him around."
"What would you have me do, Selina?" he demanded. "Let him harm innocent people as some sick joke?"
"No," she snapped. "But just once I'd like to be able to spend a normal Valentine's Day with my boyfriend the way normal couples do, and not have to worry about him cutting things short to go chase down some freak."
"I'm not a normal man, Selina," retorted Bruce. "You know that by now."
"I know," said Selina, nodding. "But I also keep hoping that we can have just one date that isn't interrupted by the Joker."
"I wouldn't hold your breath," retorted Bruce. "He can't possibly resist causing chaos in a place like this – there's just too many opportunities for him to run riot and play his ridiculous, violent jokes! I have to be constantly on my guard, or innocent people will get hurt, and I won't allow that to happen on my watch."
"I know," sighed Selina, whose weekend was clearly going to disappoint her.
Bruce, meanwhile, was keeping an eye on Joker's door, which opened suddenly. "C'mon," said Bruce, gesturing to Selina, who sighed again as she and Bruce followed Joker and Harley down to the lobby.
"So what sorts of distractions do you have here?" Joker asked the attendant. "My henchwench here needs to get her mind off something, so you got any pointless activities that nevertheless take a lotta mental concentration?"
"Um…yes," said the attendant, slowly, handing him a brochure. "We've got skiing…"
"Oooh, skiing, sounds great!" said Joker. "Gotta be a barrel of laughs in that, huh, pumpkin pie?"
Harley grunted, looking around the lobby. "Hey, they've got my book!" she exclaimed suddenly, racing over to the hotel's shop and picking up a copy of Love's Wacky Fury.
"Excellent choice, madam – that one is very popular among our guests," said the shop assistant. "But we do sell all kinds of erotica if you and your partner's tastes differ from clown themes…"
"They don't," interrupted Harley. "I wrote the book on clown-themed erotica. Literally."
"Harley! Stop being a nerd, put down that book, and come skiing!" snapped Joker.
"We'd like to go skiing too, please," interjected Bruce, shoving his way to the counter.
"Great. Equipment rental is just through there," said the attendant, pointing. "And the instructor can take you out to the slopes."
"Johnny! You wanna go skiing?" asked Harley, as Crane and his wife descended from their room looking very happy.
"Hmm, do I want to participate in a strenuous athletic activity that involves plummeting down mountain slopes?" said Crane, slowly. "No, thank you, my dear. We'll just stay in and maybe try the sauna. Or just read a book."
"You can always read mine," said Harley, holding out her book to them.
"Erm…no thank you, my dear," repeated Crane. "You keep that. Emilia and I have brought books with us."
"Never travel without one," agreed Emilia, nodding.
"Well, you weren't reading 'em earlier!" chuckled Joker, pulling out his notebook. "It's kinda sick that she calls you Professor in bed, huh?"
"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Crane, paling.
"I was listening in when you were doing the dirty," said Joker. "She said 'Oh Professor, he's so big!' Got some kinda weird teacher/schoolgirl fetish, huh? Does Emilia have a schoolgirl costume?"
"Oh, you are not allowed to make fun of other people for weird fetishes, Mr. J!" snapped Harley.
"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.
"The Batman costume," retorted Harley.
"I told you, it was Batgirl!" snapped Joker.
"Then why did you scream out Batsy?" demanded Harley.
"I call her Batsy sometimes!" said Joker, defensively.
Bruce Wayne had been watching this exchange with barely concealed horror, and now stammered, "Excuse me – I have to go."
Selina sighed as Bruce rushed off to be sick somewhere. "We'll see you both on the slopes," she said, heading off to the equipment rental.