"Is anyone still hungry?" asked Jervis Tetch, looking around. "I haven't forgotten to feed anyone, have I? You older children must speak up for the younger children, because they don't have voices yet."
"You'll know if Irving and Annabel are hungry," commented Katrina, not looking up from her book. "They're very loud."
"Bud and Lou are hungry," said Arleen.
"Yes, people first, and animals second, my dear," said Tetch, patting her on the head. "That's really the only way we can accomplish this without me going completely out of my mind. We have to attend to little tasks in an orderly fashion."
He nodded to reassure himself, and then said, "Has everyone drunk their tea?"
"I don't like tea," retorted J.J.
"It's very good for you," said Tetch.
"But I don't like it," said J.J., firmly.
"Well, I'm not wasting tea," said Tetch, equally firmly.
"Then you drink it," said J.J., pushing the cup at him.
Tetch sighed, but was sick of arguing with him, and so drained the cup himself. He certainly needed it. "Now if everyone's had their tea, it'll soon be time for bed."
"Bed?" repeated J.J. "It's like eight o'clock!"
"Yes, and children should be in bed by eight o'clock," said Tetch. "I'm sorry if your parents let you stay up until all hours, but here it's early to bed, and early to rise, which makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
"I don't wanna be healthy, wealthy, and wise," retorted J.J. "I wanna stay up late and get up late and be happy, smart, and great."
"That's not a real saying," snapped Tetch. "But if you children are very good and do as you're told, I'll read you a bedtime story."
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Daddy reads us bedtime stories," said Arleen. "He probably does it better."
"Well, you won't know, will you?" asked Tetch. "Unless you get your pajamas on, clean your teeth, and get ready for bed. I'll feed the animals while you do that. Alice, my love, do please help Annabel, and Katrina, you can help Irving, can't you?"
The children obeyed reluctantly. "Aunt Ivy lets us stay up late," muttered J.J. to his sister. "I wish Daddy had dropped us off with her."
"She's probably busy on Valentine's Day," said Arleen. "You know grown-ups do icky, lovey-dovey stuff then. That's why Daddy dropped us off here, so him and Mommy could be lovey-dovey."
"I don't think Aunt Ivy's doing any icky, lovey-dovey stuff," said J.J. "She's not married."
"She's got a boyfriend," said Arleen. "Uncle Two-Face."
"Oh. I thought…they weren't together anymore," said J.J., slowly.
"I think they are," said Arleen. "And even if they're not, Aunt Ivy's gonna have another boyfriend. She's a pretty woman, and pretty women always have lots of men who wanna be their boyfriend."
"Yeah, they…sure do," said J.J., frowning at the idea of Aunt Ivy with a boyfriend.
"All right, are we all comfortably tucked in?" asked Tetch. He had moved his and Alice's beds into the living room, which managed to fit all six children fairly comfortably. The hyenas had curled up at the foot of Arleen and J.J.'s bed, Dinah was curled in Alice's lap, and Lenore was perched on the bedpost next to Katrina and her siblings. Tetch had resigned himself to the sofa, and he took a seat, picking up a book. "My Alice will be familiar with this particular story – it's called Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll."
"My Daddy's read that to me already," said Katrina.
"Of course he has – Jonathan is an excellent father," said Tetch, nodding. "And I've read it to my Alice many times, but she still enjoys hearing it again, don't you, my angel?"
"Yes, Uncle Jervis," said Alice, nodding. "It's my favorite story. The girl in it has the same name as me, so I like to pretend it's me having those adventures."
"Is it like the cartoon Alice in Wonderland?" asked Arleen. "Because we've seen that."
"Yeah, we know all the songs," said J.J. "Does this story have songs?"
"Um…yes, but perhaps not quite…the same ones you know," said Tetch, slowly. "Let's just begin and see how it goes. 'Chapter 1 – Down the Rabbit-Hole. Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice "without pictures or conversations?"'"
"Daddy does voices," interrupted Arleen. "Can you do voices for the different characters?"
"Otherwise it might get confusing," chimed in J.J.
"It's not confusing," retorted Katrina. "The story's just started, and there's only one character so far."
"Does the character have to be called Alice?" asked Arleen. "Why don't you call her Arleen?"
"Because her name is Alice," snapped Alice. "It's my name, not your name."
"Are there any clowns in this story?" asked J.J. "Maybe you could put some in if not, just to improve it. Daddy always improves every story by adding clowns, himself and Mommy and us usually…"
"There are no clowns!" snapped Tetch. "And I'm not changing the story! The story's been this way for a hundred and fifty years, and it's endured fine without clowns! I will not stand for any editorializing of Carroll's work – it's utter genius and perfection!"
"Well, Daddy isn't telling it, so I don't think it is," retorted Arleen. "He's a genius, y'know."
"Yes, I'm sure he thinks so," muttered Tetch. "Now do please be quiet, children, and just listen. 'So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her. There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!"'"
"Is this Alice or the Rabbit talking?" interrupted J.J. "Because you've kinda got the same voice for both."
"He just said it was the Rabbit just before the Rabbit spoke!" snapped Katrina.
"It's really confusing if you don't do the different voices like Daddy does," said Arleen, nodding. "If you're gonna add any more characters, you need to start doing voices or we won't know who's who."
"Uncle Jervis reads it fine!" snapped Alice. "Just be quiet!"
"You think that, only because you don't know any better," said J.J. "You should sleepover at our house sometime, and we can ask Daddy to do a version of this Alice story, and I bet his version will be a billion times better than this boring, confusing mess. I mean, it's been like a whole two paragraphs and nothing has happened except a rabbit running past! This Carroll guy clearly coulda used an editor!"
Tetch gritted his teeth and tried to control his temper, reminding himself that he only had to get through this weekend without murdering or mind-controlling the Joker's children. That was starting to look like quite an achievement.