That same evening at the couples retreat, Joker was holding the glass against the wall again, waiting to hear when Crane and Emilia started having sex…and then racing out of his room to knock on their door.
"Johnny! Johnny! Do you have any spare towels in there? Harley and I might want to go to the pool later!"
"No!" snapped Crane from inside. "Go away!"
"Aw, sorry, probably trying to have sex in there, huh?" asked Joker, grinning. "Well, I'll leave you to it!"
He ran back to his room, waited until he heard things starting up again, and then repeated the process. "Johnny! Johnny! Do you have an ice bucket in your room? We don't have one in ours, and we want martinis!"
"Joker, for God's sake…"
"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot!" chuckled Joker. "Don't mind me!"
He giggled to himself as he repeated the whole process a third time. "Johnny! Johnny! You got spare toilet paper in there? We're out in our bathroom…"
The door was flung open, and a very angry-looking Crane glared at him, dressed in a robe. "They have all those things at the reception!" he hissed. "Ask there!"
"Oh yeah, didn't think about that!" laughed Joker. "Sorry, won't bother you again!"
Crane slammed the door in his face. Joker waited a few moments and then knocked again. "You got a spare toothbrush? Because I kinda kidnapped Harley without letting her pack anything…"
This time Emilia opened the door. "Joker, I don't mean to be rude, but it's rather pathetic to me that you have nothing better to do on Valentine's Day than annoy your neighboring couple. Doesn't your girlfriend deserve some attention? Isn't that the whole reason you brought her here?"
"Yeah, but she's still in a mood from the skiing," said Joker, shrugging. "And the kidnapping, I guess. She's just ignoring me and reading her book."
"Have you ever read her book?" asked Emilia. "Because I think you would be very interested in seeing your portrayal in that. You are aware that it's been published to a vast audience who all believe you're…less than well endowed? And that Harley's actually in love with Batman?"
Joker said nothing, and then turned and stormed back to his room. "Gone?" asked Crane.
"Gone," said Emilia, firmly, shutting the door. "You're quite right, my darling – a little reverse psychology works wonders."
"What the hell are you reading that crap for?!" demanded Joker, entering their bedroom and grabbing the book from Harley suddenly. "And how dare you write that stuff about me?!"
"What stuff?" asked Harley, genuinely puzzled. "It's a very flattering portrayal…"
"Not if it says I ain't well endowed!" snapped Joker, flipping through the pages.
"What are you talking about?" demanded Harley. "I actually Googled synonyms for 'big' when I introduced the Big J, and just put them all in there!"
"So why doncha want it no more?" demanded Joker, throwing the book on the floor. "Why are you ignoring me in favor of this crap? And why are you in love with Batman?"
"I'm not…what are you talking about?" snapped Harley. "You've never even read my book, have you?! The whole thing's about our love, Mr. J, yours and mine! My fantasy of what our love is!"
"Why do you need fantasy when you got the real thing right here?" demanded Joker.
"Because the real thing has really pissed me off today!" snapped Harley. "So frankly I'd prefer fantasy Mr. J right now, you colossal pain in the ass!"
She grabbed the book back from him, settling down in bed again to read. Joker glared at her and then climbed into bed next to her. "So…you wanna do it tonight, or what?" he asked at last.
Harley sighed in irritation, put down her book, and then flicked off the light. "Goodnight, Mr. J," she snapped, rolling away from him and shutting her eyes.
Joker rolled over onto his side, muttering, "Worst Valentine's Day ever, I tell ya."
And the weekend didn't improve for him in that regard. Clearly, despite the setbacks Joker had orchestrated last night, it was a rather more successful Valentine's Day for the Crane couple, who came down to breakfast looking insanely happy and cuddly together. Crane fed Emilia bits of food while she whispered in his ear, giggling.
"Look at them, acting like a couple of newlyweds," muttered Joker, glaring at them from his and Harley's table. "As if they ain't got three kids!"
"We never acted like newlyweds, even before the kids, puddin'," retorted Harley, who had brought her book to breakfast and had her eyes glued to it.
"You complaining that I don't feed you crap and go all goo-goo eyes and giggly over you?" demanded Joker.
"No," retorted Harley. "If you did that, I'd kinda suspect the food was poisoned or something. You're never sweet to me without some kinda horrible gag in mind."
"That's not true!" snapped Joker. He thought for a moment. "Ok, that is true, but I thought you enjoyed being the punchline to my jokes, toots!"
"I told you, Mr. J, I ain't in the mood for them right now!" snapped Harley.
"Yeah, you ain't in the mood for anything," he grumbled, watching Emilia curl up in Crane's lap, kissing him tenderly. Crane glanced over at Joker and waved cheerfully, which only infuriated Joker more.
"Where does he get off being so smug?" Joker demanded. "He didn't even see a woman naked until he was fifty!"
"Maybe that's why he's so enthusiastic," said Harley, not looking up from her book. "And I'm pretty sure he saw me naked before then."
"What do you mean he saw you naked?" snapped Joker. Then his eyebrows narrowed. "Oh, I know what that means! All that 'Oh Professor' stuff I was hearing – that was the kinda stuff you were saying when he taught you! You and he had that creepy schoolgirl/teacher fetish going on, and that's why he gave you good grades!"
"What the hell are you talking about, you insecure creep?" demanded Harley. "How dare you believe that disgusting rumor?! I never slept with any of my teachers, or anyone before you came along, which the shrinks say is part of my problem, and I'm starting to agree with 'em! Johnny saw me naked when I asked Jervis to paint that nude portrait of me for yours and mine anniversary, and Johnny walked in while I was modeling! I told you about that, but you never listen to me!"
Joker glared at her. "Well, he's seen me naked too," he retorted. "All the men shower together at Arkham. So you should be jealous too."
"Why would I be jealous of that?" demanded Harley.
"Because frankly, before his wife came along, I bet Johnny preferred to think about me naked during the long, lonely, single nights. Ain't you jealous of other people fantasizing about me?"
"I'm really positive he never fantasized about you, puddin'," retorted Harley.
"Well, let's ask him. Hey, Johnny!" he shouted across the room. "Before you were married, who did you like to think about naked when you were in session with the Professor? Me or Harley?"
"…I'm not sure what you mean, and I'm honestly not sure I want to," replied Crane, slowly.
"What activities do you have planned for today, Harley?" asked Emilia, coming over to them and trying to change the subject.
Harley shrugged. "Mostly I just wanna be left alone to read my book," she said.
"Well, who hasn't had one of those days?" laughed Emilia. "But you might want to take advantage of all the things they have on offer here - there's horseback riding…"
"Oooh, let's do that!" exclaimed Joker. "Animals are always good for comedy!"
"Are you and Johnny doing that?" asked Harley.
"Oh, dear me, no!" laughed Crane.
"Unfortunately, Jonathan has a very strong allergy to horses," said Emilia. "And pollen, and many other things one finds out among nature."
"Yes, it's most unfortunate," agreed Crane. "It means we'll be forced to…stay in our room all day."
"Well, you could always use the pool, or the spa…" began Harley.
"Nope, in our room all day," sighed Emilia, cuddling against Crane. "That's really the only thing for it. It's just what I deserve for marrying such a man."
They were clearly having a difficult time keeping their hands off each other, and Crane suddenly stood up. "Well, good day to you both – see you later," he said, as he and Emilia hurried toward the stairs.
Joker glared after them as Harley returned to her book. "I hate them," he muttered. "I really do."