The ringing of the telephone was really the final annoyance in a long line of annoyances for Jervis Tetch this weekend. He was a man who enjoyed a quiet life, but a house full of six children and four animals was unlikely to provide such a thing, and he was almost at his wit's end. But being a long-term resident in an asylum full of lunatics had given him patience, and so although inwardly he was a raging, screaming, hysterical mess, outwardly he presented a calm façade to the children.
"J.J., put that down. Arleen, stop feeding sweets to the babies – it's not good for them. Annabel, come here," he said, picking her up as she tried to scale a unit of bookshelves. "That's not safe, my angel. Arleen, keep Irving away from the hyenas, please – I don't trust them. Alice, my angel, I don't think Dinah likes it when you pull her tail like that. Katrina…"
"Yes?" asked Katrina, who was sitting quietly in the corner with her book.
"Keep…keep doing that," said Tetch, patting her on the head. "I need to go make some tea…"
And that was when the telephone rang. With great effort, Tetch stopped himself from exploding, and picked up the receiver. "Ahoy hoy?"
"Jervis, it's Emilia. Jonathan and I just wanted to see how the children were doing."
"Oh, they're…thriving," stammered Tetch. "Annabel, angel, stay away from the window! Thank you, Lenore," he said, as the raven swooped down and tugged Annabel back from the edge.
"Do you need us to come home?" asked Emilia, urgently.
"No, no, no – Lenore has it all under control," said Tetch, petting the raven. "Katrina, my dear, do keep an eye on your siblings, please. Arleen, I said no sweets!"
"You sound a little overwhelmed…" began Emilia.
"Challenged, but not overwhelmed," replied Tetch. "There's certainly no reason for you to cut your weekend short. How has it been so far?"
"Absolutely heavenly, despite the best efforts of the Joker," replied Emilia. "But of course we do miss the children terribly. May we speak with them?"
"Yes, of course," said Tetch, looking around for Annabel and picking her up as she headed toward the fireplace. He pulled Irving reluctantly away from Arleen as Katrina took the receiver from him.
"Hello, Mommy and Daddy," she said.
"Katrina, my angel, how are you doing?" asked Emilia. "How are you liking staying at Uncle Jervis's?"
"It's ok," said Katrina. "He tried to read us Alice's Adventures in Wonderland last night, but Arleen and J.J. kept interrupting him."
"Yes, that's rather a…family trait," said Emilia, slowly.
"They kept saying their father was a better storyteller than Uncle Jervis because he did voices and included clowns – it was rather rude," commented Katrina.
"Yes, that's also a family trait," agreed Emilia. "But you've had time to read on your own?"
"Oh yes, lots of time," said Katrina. "I like being left alone."
"Well, your father doesn't very much, so let me talk to your brother and sister and we'll see you tomorrow. Have fun, my precious girl. Your Daddy and I love you so much!"
"Love you too," said Katrina, and then she handed the phone back to Tetch who held the receiver up to the younger children as they chattered in recognition at the sound of their mother's voice.
Meanwhile, Arleen and J.J. had followed Bud and Lou into the kitchen, where the hyenas began sniffing around for scraps of food. "I think we've had most of the candy, chocolate, and cake," said Arleen. "But there's gotta be something more in here for Bud and Lou to eat."
"Maybe we can cook 'em something," suggested J.J.
"We can't cook," said Arleen.
"We could try," said J.J., shrugging. "How hard can it be? You just have to figure out how to turn this thing on…"
He began turning the dials on the stove top, and suddenly one of the gas burners ignited in a ring of fire. Arleen and J.J. stared at the flame, hypnotized, and murmured, "Oooooh…"
"Enjoy the rest of your weekend – we'll see you tomorrow," said Tetch to Emilia, and he hung up the phone. Then he frowned. "Katrina, do you smell something burning?"
"Yes," said Katrina, unconcerned, going back to her book.
"And where are the Joker twins?" he demanded, looking around.
"I suspect one answer will explain the other," said Katrina.
"Uncle Jervis, I think there's a fire in the kitchen," said Alice, pointing.
Tetch raced into the room to see Arleen and J.J. holding bits of raw meat over the gas burner on the stove top, which they dropped down to feed to the hyenas with. The grease from the meat had ignited on the fire into small droplets of flame which rained down onto the stove and floor, and which the children seemed largely nonchalant about.
"Oh, they would had to have inherited their mother's cooking skills!" exclaimed Tetch, clapping a hand to his forehead. "Children, get away from the fire this instant!"
"Relax, Uncle Jervis – we got some water," said J.J., holding up a pan.
"No, you mustn't add water to a grease fire!" shouted Tetch, but, like the White Rabbit, his words came too late…