"Well, Jervis seems to have everything under control," said Emilia, putting the phone away and re-entering the sauna where Crane sat in his robe, looking very relaxed. Emilia was also dressed in her robe, and came over to cuddle him. "The children seem happy enough, and probably more than they would have been at Harley's."
"See? I told you Jervis could handle it, my dear – you shouldn't have been worried," replied Crane.
"As I recall, I wasn't the one who was worrying – you were the one who wanted us to cancel and head straight home," retorted Emilia, grinning. "And aren't you glad we didn't?"
"Indeed I am," agreed Crane, kissing her. "This weekend has been absolutely amazing."
"And it's not over yet, Professor," murmured Emilia, curling up into his lap. He bent down and kissed the top of her head.
"Have I mentioned that I love you lately?" he murmured.
"Only about a hundred times so far this weekend," agreed Emilia, grinning at him. "But I always enjoy hearing it once more."
"I love you," he repeated.
"And I love you, Jonathan Crane, in case it wasn't perfectly obvious by now," replied Emilia, smiling. "Even if you do cause me to miss out on horseback riding."
"I'm certain our day has been far more pleasant without such things," he replied.
"I'm inclined to agree - there's really only one animal here I want to ride," murmured Emilia, kissing him deeply.
"Oh, my dear, what an incredibly naughty thing to say," he murmured, grinning. Their kisses grew more passionate, when suddenly the door to the sauna was flung open, and Harley Quinn stormed in.
"Good Lord, Harley, what happened to you?" asked Crane, shocked at the state of her. She was caked from head to foot in mud (at least, Crane thought it was mud, but they had been around horses, so perhaps not.) She had numerous scrapes and bruises on her flesh, and her lip and nose were bleeding.
"I don't wanna talk about it," she muttered, pulling out her book. "I just wanna sit in here and read, where Mr. J can't find me."
"Actually, the steam in here probably isn't good for the pages," said Emilia, her instinct as a librarian recoiling at the thought of waterlogged books.
"I don't care – it's safe," she retorted. "Mr. J don't know I'm here – I gave him the slip the second we got back. And I really, really don't wanna see him for the rest of the weekend if I can help it."
"Well, that must have been…some ride," commented Crane.
Harley looked up at him. "Let's just say that out of Bruce, Selina, and me, I got the least injured when Mr. J scared the horses into throwing us off their backs, and then caused them to stampede."
"I...see," said Crane, sharing a look with Emilia. "You see, my dear, I told you it was for the best that we didn't go."
"I called Jervis while you were away – the children are doing well," said Emilia.
"Oh yeah, that'll cheer me up, talking to the kiddies!" said Harley, beaming. "Can I use your phone?"
"You might want to go outside - the steam's not terribly good for the phone either…" began Crane.
"Jervis, it's Harley," she said, ignoring him and dialing the number. "How's…"
They were cut off by incomprehensible shouting on the other end, so loud that Harley had to hold the phone away from her ear.
"Good Lord, what's wrong?" asked Crane.
"I dunno – he keeps reciting passages from 'The Walrus and the Carpenter,' and babbling something about too much pepper in the soup?" asked Harley.
"Oh dear, something's happened," said Crane, taking the phone from him. "Jervis, calm down. Jervis! Yes, I understand an emergency has taken place – you don't talk about the pepper in the soup chapter unless it's an emergency. A what? How did that happen? Oh God, is everyone all right? Is your house all right? Yes, I'll…certainly tell her."
He covered the phone with his hand. "Jervis says there's been a fire – rather a large one, but it's under control now and all the children and animals are safe and uninjured."
"Oh my God, how did a fire start?" asked Harley.
"Um…apparently your children were trying to cook," said Crane, slowly.
Harley sighed. "Yeah, family trait," she muttered. She stood up. "Well, tell Jervis I'm coming home to get the kiddies – no point in staying here any longer with Mr. J acting the way he is."
"Jervis? Harley's on her way home – she should be there this evening. Do tell the children, won't you? And keep them locked up until she gets there or something. Just a joke!" he laughed, as Harley glared at him. "It's not a joke – honestly, restrain them somehow before they hurt one of mine," he muttered, as Harley headed for the door.
Before she could reach it, it was flung open by the Joker. "There you are, Harley girl!" he exclaimed, beaming. "I've been looking everywhere for you, cupcake! I've got a great gag to play on Bruce and Selina while they're trying to recover from their wounds – it'll be just the thing to put a smile back on your face, pumpkin pie!"
"Mr. J, why ain't you wearing any clothes?" asked Harley, stunned.
"Because it's a sauna," he retorted. "You ain't supposed to wear clothes in a sauna – it's a European thing."
"You could at least put a towel on," said Crane, glaring at Joker as he covered his wife's eyes. "Nobody wants to see that!"
"Oh, it ain't nothing you haven't seen before!" snapped Joker. "I'm sorry if you find it intimidating, Professor, but I won't be body-shamed into covering up my naked form or my massive…"
"Mr. J, honestly!" snapped Harley, grabbing a towel off the railing and throwing it at him. "Just cover up!"
He stared at her. "You want me to cover up?" he demanded. "What the hell is wrong with you, toots?! You've never complained about me having the Big J out before!"
"I don't want it out in front of other people!" shrieked Harley. "But fine, do whatever you want," she said, storming past him. "I'm going home."
"Home?" he repeated. "You mean back to our room?"
"I mean back home, to Gotham," she snapped. "The kiddies need me, and I don't wanna be stuck here with you any longer after the way you've treated me these past couple days!"
"I've been trying to jolly you outta this mood!" shouted Joker.
"By playing ridiculous pranks on me?!" demanded Harley.
"Yeah! That's how I cheer people up!" snapped Joker.
"That's how you cheer yourself up, Mr. J, by being cruel to other people!" snapped Harley. "By being so utterly selfish that you don't consider anybody else's feelings but your own! You dump the kids off at Jervis's with no warning, you kidnap me and drag me here against my will, and then you expect me to just have a sense of humor about the whole thing?! It ain't funny, Mr. J! This whole weekend has been a horrible joke, and I'm ending it right now!"
"Don't you dare tell me what isn't funny!" snapped Joker. "I know comedy, toots! I don't know where your sense of humor's got to, but it's your fault you're feeling miserable, and not mine! I do everything in my power to put a smile on people's faces, and if you don't appreciate that, you're as big an ingrate as the Bat!"
"I'm telling you, Bruce, steam will be good for your muscles after that horse accident…" began Selina, entering the sauna at that moment. She and Bruce both suddenly saw the Joker naked, and their faces fell in horror again.
"Don't look at me like that!" snapped Joker. "I'm using this sauna properly! You're meant to let it all flop out – I can't help that you've got that American, puritanical fear of nudity! The human body is a beautiful thing, especially mine, and frankly it hasn't been shown the appreciation it deserves by certain people this weekend," he said, glaring at Harley.
"Excuse me – I need to go be sick," gasped Bruce, hurrying off despite his injuries with Selina following.
"Boy, you are some piece of work, Mr. J!" muttered Harley, heading for the stairs to go pack.
"Damn straight I am!" called Joker after her. "You meant that in a complimentary sense, right? As in I'm fabulously built and endowed? Harley? Harley! Don't you walk away from me! Harley! Come back here! Harley!"
"God, I hope he leaves with her," sighed Emilia, as Crane removed his hands from her eyes. "If Joker's that annoying in a good mood, I can't imagine how annoying he'll be angry and left to his own devices."