Harley actually didn't have any luggage to pack – she had stormed up the stairs with the intention of finding the car keys and just heading out immediately. But her search was interrupted by the Joker bursting into the room.
"Get dressed and tell me where the keys are," she snapped. "In that order."
"I ain't gonna do either of those things!" snapped Joker. "You ain't going anywhere!"
"I am going back to our children who you abandoned to go burn down somebody else's house!" retorted Harley.
"They tried to burn down Jervis's house?" asked Joker. Then he shrugged. "Yeah, fire-starting's kinda in their blood, so that makes sense…"
"I'm gonna relieve Jervis of the stress you dumped on him without any warning, and hope that he hasn't been driven back to Arkham-level insanity by this weekend," continued Harley, hunting under the pillows and through the drawers. "And I'm telling the kiddies that if Mommy and Daddy aren't speaking for a little while, it's entirely their Daddy's fault!"
"Look, just stop!" snapped Joker, grabbing her wrists. "Stop with this mood! I dunno what else I can do to snap you outta this, or what I did to deserve this in the first place! I thought you'd love going on a romantic weekend with me!"
"Yes, Mr. J, I would have loved that!" agreed Harley, ripping herself away from him. "I wouldn't even have minded it being a surprise, as long as I hadn't made plans! But I had made plans, and that riled you, because you couldn't stand the thought of you not being my first priority on Valentine's Day! So out of pure selfishness and spite, you abandoned the kids, and kidnapped me, and played a buncha cruel jokes on me, and you don't understand why I'm upset?!"
"But honey, this is just who I am!" exclaimed Joker. "I make jokes, often violent jokes, but you've always played along with those! I just don't know what you want!"
"You wanna know what I want?" demanded Harley. She picked up her book and threw it at him. "That! I want that! I want a romantic weekend with my boyfriend being a caring, considerate man for once in his life! I wanna be as cute and cuddly as Johnny and Emilia are, I wanna have you look at me the way he looks at her, like she's his whole world! That's all I've ever wanted on any Valentine's Day we've ever had! But years and years and years of dealing with you have taught me that you're not that kinda guy! You're not that selfless, and you only keep me around because you enjoy whatever punchline you can make me for one of your sick jokes, not because you actually love and respect me! I've come to terms with that, and I still love you, you big creep, but not when you act like I'm some object you can treat as badly as you want! I'm the woman who loves you, and I deserve to be shown a little appreciation once in a while!"
"What about me being shown a little appreciation?" demanded Joker. "You think it makes me feel good to have my girl, my girl, who I used to have to fight to keep offa me on Valentine's Day, saying she ain't interested this year?! That's not the Harley I know! She wouldn't complain about seeing me naked, and she wouldn't refuse sex when I offer it to her on a silver platter! If you want some sappy, romantic, puppy-eyed wimp who pines over you, that ain't me, and that ain't never been me! If you can't appreciate all the things I've given you over the years – my criminal training, my support, my time and effort, my patience, and frankly, a lotta sex…"
"We've never had a lotta sex!" shrieked Harley. "Our sex life has been terrible! It's been like pulling teeth!"
"Oh yeah? Well, if it was so bad, why have you stayed with me all these years?!" shouted Joker.
"Because I love you, you idiot!" shrieked Harley. "I love you! Not just for the sex! Although there were times when I was so desperate, I was this close to tying you up and just having you, right there, even with the henchmen watching, hell, even with the Bat watching! But all I want from you now is a little selflessness, the way I've been toward you all these years, and putting my needs and my commitments in front of yours, for once! But I should know by now that that will never happen, and that I need to stick to my fantasy and my book if I ever want you to be that kinda guy! You won't ever change for me, even though I've changed my entire life for you! I need to stop living in a fantasy world and just face reality for once!"
"I won't hear that kinda talk from you!" shouted Joker. "Face reality – you've always been crazy as a loon! And who was it who made you that way?! Me! You oughta be down on your knees thanking me for everything I've given you, your great life and the kiddies…"
"I gave you the kiddies!" screamed Harley.
"Well…I helped!" retorted Joker.
Harley spotted the car keys at that moment peeking out of the Joker's suit pocket, and raced toward them. Joker was there first, however, and seized the keys, holding them over his open mouth.
"You ain't going anywhere!" he repeated. "I'll swallow 'em!"
"Go ahead!" snapped Harley. "You're gonna have to go through a lotta pain to get 'em out, and I'd really like to see that! It would make up for all the trouble you caused me this weekend!"
"You think I ain't crazy enough to do it?!" demanded Joker. "Because I am!"
"Then you'd better do it fast, because I'm taking them!" shouted Harley, leaping forward to grab the keys from Joker…but it was too late.
He dropped them into his mouth and coughed, gagged, gasped, and then finally swallowed with a satisfied look on his face. "There. Now you're stuck here until the keys work their way outta my system, which will take at least until tomorrow when we have to leave anyway. I win again, toots! And if that doesn't show you how much I care, nothing will!"
Harley glared at him, and then slapped him hard across the face. She picked up her book and stormed into the bathroom without another word, locking the door.
"Women!" muttered Joker. "I'll never understand 'em!"
He clutched his stomach as he felt the keys making their way into his digestive system. "I'm also starting to regret this decision," he said. He knocked on the bathroom door. "Harley, can you go be in a huff someplace else? Only I might need to get in there quick!"
"Then you shouldn't have swallowed the keys!" snapped Harley.
"I swallowed them for you!" he exclaimed. "To show you how much I want you to stay!"
"You swallowed them for you!" shrieked Harley. "To keep me here against my will! It's all about you, Mr. J, as usual! If you really loved me, you'd have let me go back to the kiddies! But I know you don't, and no amount of key-swallowing changes that!"
Joker was about to launch into a stream of insults when his stomach gurgled again. "Might just go get a drink at the bar," he said to himself, dressing quickly and heading for the door. "That'll help the keys go down quicker. And if I drink enough, I might forget that troublesome little minx and vomit the keys up! It's win-win!"