"What'll it be, Mr. Joker, sir?" asked the barman as Joker took a seat on the stool.
"Do you have anything that helps metal go down easier?" asked Joker.
"Um…I dunno," said the barman, slowly. "Maybe some tequila shots?"
"Yeah, that'll do," said Joker. The barman brought over the drink and Joker knocked it back, making a face. "Another of those, my good man," he said, putting down the glass.
As the barman brought another, Joker looked around to see that Bruce Wayne was seated a few seats down from him, looking glum and nursing a glass of whiskey. "Women troubles too, huh?" asked Joker, sidling over to him.
"Nothing I want to talk to you about," retorted Bruce.
"Yep, you're a braver man than me to be dating the cat," said Joker, ignoring him. "I've always thought the best thing to do with cats is to tie 'em in a sack and drown 'em in the river, but then I am more of a dog person."
"Selina can be…very irrational sometimes," agreed Bruce.
"That's just women, though, ain't it?" asked Joker, knocking his drink back. "You should talk to Harley sometime. I mean, I do everything for her, bring her to this great resort for a romantic weekend, and she don't appreciate it at all!"
"Didn't you kidnap her?" asked Bruce.
"Yeah, I even went through all that effort!" agreed Joker. "And it was an effort - she fought me tooth and nail! I just don't understand women. She could at least show a little gratitude after all I've done for her."
"What have you ever done for her except drive her insane?" demanded Bruce.
"Exactly," said Joker, nodding. "I gave her the greatest gift of all, the greatest gift a human being can give to another – insanity. I gave her a whole new world of different experiences and ways of looking at the world, things she never would have done or seen or even thought about before she met me. And she's not even the slightest bit grateful. I mean, where would she be without me, I ask you?"
"Probably off being a successful doctor somewhere," said Bruce.
"Exactly," repeated Joker. "I saved her from that boring 9-5 gig, dealing with crazies she never could cure. I saved her from wasting her life."
"You think she isn't wasting her life now?" asked Bruce.
"Of course she isn't!" snapped Joker. "She's having fun! That's all anyone can ask outta life, Bruce – to have a little fun. And Harley has lots of it. At least, she used to before she got in a mood this weekend."
He opened his jacket and pulled out two cigars. "Smoke?" he asked, handing one to Bruce.
"No, thanks," he retorted. "I care about my health."
"Yeah, you should learn to have a little fun too, Brucie," agreed Joker, lighting the cigar. "If that was your plan with kitty pie, you probably don't know her very well."
"I know Selina," snapped Bruce. "But she's…upset that I sometimes have other…priorities in my life that aren't her."
"Yeah, women get like that," agreed Joker, nodding. "Buncha headcases, the lot of 'em. I mean, maybe they want a man to be their whole world, but a man has other priorities too, y'know? We can't limit ourselves the way they do – it's just not in our genetic makeup."
Bruce was silent. "Do you really think it's a gender issue?" he asked at last. "Or do you think it's just…the kind of men we are?"
"And what kind is that?" asked Joker. "Personally, I don't see you as being in any way similar to me, Brucie boy. You're some flighty, uncommitted playboy billionaire, and I'm a committed for life criminal. Frankly, aside from our mutual stunning good looks, I don't see anything in common."
Bruce was about to argue against the Joker's stunning good looks, but thought better of it. "Maybe I…commit to the wrong things, from time to time," he said, slowly.
"What, you mean like solar power?" asked Joker. "That is kinda a dumb commitment in a city as rainy as Gotham. Anyway, Lexy's convinced nuclear is the only way to go…"
"I don't mean business commitments," retorted Bruce. "Just…other commitments. Maybe my life should have…other priorities, but I have to do what I judge to be right. Even if I do maybe wish I could be more selfish from time to time."
"According to Harley, I'm selfish all the time," said Joker. "Which I'm ok with – I am pretty great, after all. But I don't just do the things I do for me – I do 'em to spread smiles and laughter to anyone with a sense of humor. And I do 'em for Batsy, of course."
"Why do you think…Batman approves of your jokes?" asked Bruce, slowly.
"Oh, because he needs them," retorted Joker, waving his hand. "He'll never admit it to himself, of course. But without me, he wouldn't be Batman. He wouldn't have anyone to fight and beat up. He'd just have to fight regular criminals, and they're hardly a match for him – he'd get bored real fast. Same with all those other so-called supervillains. I'm the only one who really understands him, who really bases my life and my work around him. And I need to put a smile on his face one way or another – I'm a determined kinda guy like that."
"Maybe I just have a problem committing to relationships," continued Bruce. "Maybe just letting people in is too risky…"
"Well, I don't blame you for that, after what happened to your folks," said Joker, nodding and puffing on his cigar. "People die all the time, y'know. The last thing you wanna do is have to deal with another trauma like losing another person you love. Best not to get too attached to anyone."
"Of course you don't worry about losing people," muttered Bruce, knocking back his drink.
"Don't worry about much, really, Brucie – no point in that," retorted Joker, shrugging. "And I've never really believed in taking precautions – that's how I ended up a father!" he laughed. "But seriously, worrying is a waste of time. If you let fear of losing people hold you back, you'll never have any fun at all. Fun's all about taking risks, and throwing caution to the winds! And like I said, the whole point of life is to have a little fun. That's why I'm always laughing."
He blanched suddenly, clutching his stomach. "Are you all right?" asked Bruce.
"Yep, just…ate something funny," gasped Joker. "Scuse me, gotta go find a bathroom, or a trash can, or something…"
Fortunately for the employees of the resort, Joker's stomach settled shortly after he left the bar, and he was about to return there when he passed the bookstore in the lobby and his eye was caught by a copy of Harley's book. His thoughts wandered back to what she had said in their room, and he quickly swiped a copy under his jacket, heading back to the bar.
"Would you describe my face as 'stud gorgeous, with cheekbones you could cut throats on, a smile that makes your knees as limp as a rubber chicken, and emerald eyes blazing with such intensity, you can feel 'em burning through your clothes with x-ray vision a billion times more impressive than Superman's?'" asked Joker, reading aloud from the book as he sat back down next to Bruce. "I think that's pretty accurate."
"I think Harley has deluded fantasies in more ways than one," retorted Bruce.
"Yep, that's all this is," said Joker, nodding at the book. "Fantasy. Even our first time in Arkham isn't accurately portrayed – I never said I needed her or that I'd die if I couldn't have her. I think she just hears what she wants to hear sometimes."
"And sees what she wants to see," agreed Bruce. "That's part of what makes her crazy."
"Well, aren't we all?" asked Joker, flipping a page in the book. He thought for a moment. "I guess Harley's delusions about me are similar to Batsy's delusions that he's making a difference in Gotham, or that he's some noble crusader for justice rather than just a sadistic nutjob. They both kinda need 'em to cope with reality."
"And naturally, you don't have any delusions of your own," said Bruce, sarcastically.
"Oh, I got a million of 'em!" chuckled Joker. "Hell, the whole making Batsy laugh one day is probably a delusion, but we all gotta have some goal to strive for, realistic or not. Batsy has this impossible vision of a Gotham free of crime, I got my vision of making Batsy laugh, or even smile, and Harley…has her visions of me as a sweet, caring guy."
He was silent. "Well, at least one of us can make the other's crazy dream come true," he said, standing up. "Even if it's just for one night."
"What are you going to do?" asked Bruce.
"Something I should have done a long time ago," said Joker, nodding. "Be the man Harley's fantasized about by showing her I care."
"Do you care?" asked Bruce, surprised.
Joker glared at him. "What, you think I'd have wasted this many years of my life with her if I didn't, like some kinda idiot? Of course I care about my jokes, Brucie! And Harley's always been a great joke of mine – she can get old occasionally, like any joke you hear too many times, but she's a classic Joker gag. I know your type can't understand commitment, out with another woman every night, but for some of us, there is such a thing as love. And the first step to you finding it is to commit to commitment. You think that over carefully, Brucie," he said, clapping him on the back.
"Thanks, I…sure will," growled Bruce, knocking back his drink. He watched Joker leave, and then sighed heavily, standing up and heading back to his room to talk to Selina.