"Mmm, good morning, Professor," murmured Emilia, smiling but keeping her eyes shut as she felt her husband cuddling against her.
"Good morning, my angel," he murmured. "How shall we spend our last morning without being awoken by children?"
"I can think of one way," she replied, rolling over to face him and grinning.
"Only one?" he asked, grinning back.
"Well, it's early," she said, shrugging. "I'm sure I'll be a little more creative with some inspiration," she whispered as they began kissing.
In the neighboring room, the morning had already gotten off to an equally pleasant start for the Joker and Harley Quinn. "Oh, puddin', the only time I enjoy mornings is when they come with sex!" sighed Harley, happily, snuggling into his chest. "Well, sex and coffee. Hopefully not at the same time though – that'd be really hot. And not hot as in sexy hot, hot as in temperature hot..."
"I dunno, pooh – a little scalding action might be pretty hot in both senses of the word!" chuckled Joker, staring intently at the bedside clock. "We should try it sometime!"
"Whatcha looking at?" asked Harley.
"The time," he said, smiling. "You think Johnny and Emilia and Bruce and Selina are in the middle of some nice morning sex too?"
"I dunno," said Harley. "Why?"
"Because if so, this joke is gonna be a lot funnier!" he giggled.
"Joke?" repeated Harley. "What joke?"
She got her answer a second later when a deafening fire alarm suddenly blared through the whole resort. "Don't worry about getting outside, pooh – there ain't a real fire," said Joker, yawning. "I just rigged the alarm to go off this morning. But nobody else knows that."
"Son of a bitch!" roared Crane from next door.
Joker laughed. "Yep, jackpot!" he giggled. "Oh, I'm a comedy genius, pooh bear! You're a lucky gal to have a guy who's so consistently hilarious and entertaining."
"I sure am, puddin'," agreed Harley, beaming and kissing him. "Though that alarm is kinda annoying, and doesn't really help get the mood back."
"What do you think I am, a goddamn machine, Harley?" demanded Joker. "I can't perform again just like that! Now let me get some well-deserved rest," he said, rolling over and shutting his eyes.
Harley stared at him. "How can you sleep through a fire alarm, puddin'?" she shouted over the noise.
"Watch me!" he snapped.
Harley shrugged, climbing out of bed and heading into the bathroom. She hummed to herself over the noise of the alarm as she brushed her teeth, listening to the doors banging down the hall as everyone else in the resort evacuated with loud grumblings.
The bathroom door was suddenly thrown open and Joker raced inside, heading straight for the toilet. "Thought you were sleeping?" shouted Harley.
"I can't sleep through agony!" he cried, clutching his stomach. "Oh God, it's the worst pain ever!"
"What…oh yeah, you swallowed the car keys," said Harley, nodding. "Well, you knew they had to come out one way or the other, Mr. J."
"I think I'd rather slice open my own guts!" he roared. "Actually, that's not a bad idea - got a knife, Harl?"
"Nope," she retorted, going back to brushing her teeth. "Sorry. You kidnapped me without letting me take anything, remember? So you're just gonna have to get through this, Mr. J. If it makes you feel better, try to remember why you swallowed 'em in the first place."
"I swallowed them because you were being a little brat by threatening to leave!" snapped Joker. "So this is all your fault!"
"You said you swallowed them because you wanted me to stay!" snapped Harley. "Because you love me!"
"This ain't love!" roared Joker. "Love ain't serrated, pointy, sharp objects slicing their way through your stomach and intestines and out your…ah God!"
Harley came over to cuddle him. "Actually, it's like that a lotta times," she sighed, smiling. "Worth it, though. Wouldn't trade it for the world."
Outside in the cold, Bruce Wayne stood in his bathrobe, embracing Selina to keep her warm. A similar situation was occurring next to him, as Crane cuddled his shivering wife, glancing around for the Joker with a look that could kill.
"I know the clown's responsible for this!" he snapped. "And look, he didn't evacuate because he knows it's a drill! We're all freezing out here, and he's probably cozy and warm in bed with Harley!"
"If it's just a drill, we'll be allowed back inside soon," said Emilia, soothingly. "Don't worry, Jonathan."
"I'm going to kill him!" snapped Crane. "I am! He's been a thorn in our side all weekend, and I've had enough!"
"Not if I get to him first," muttered Selina. "And don't you dare try to stop me, Bruce."
Bruce was also thinking about reconsidering his no-killing rule when a series of high-pitched screams emerged from the hotel, drowning out the noise of the alarm and clearly coming from the Joker.
"What on earth do you suppose is happening in there?" asked Emilia, surprised.
"I don't know, but it suddenly makes me feel better about being out here," said Crane, smiling. "The Joker in utter agony almost makes up for how annoying he's been during our time here. Almost," he added.
"Yeah, call it karma or whatever, but the world kinda has a way of dispensing out true justice," said Selina, nodding. "What goes around comes around."
"Actually, the world is a naturally wild, savage, chaotic place in need of a higher power to dispense order and justice upon it, to make people live in fear of releasing their wild savagery on their fellow man," said Crane. "That's why we have laws and civilization…"
"And Batman," said Bruce.
"Yes, where would we be without Batman?" muttered Selina, under her breath. "Me, I'd probably be enjoying a pretty nice weekend."
"You can all go back inside now," said the attendant. "We've turned off the alarms."
All the couples hurried in to hear Joker still screaming, and Harley saying soothingly, "You can do it, puddin' – almost there!"
Then the screaming stopped, and Harley emerged from the room, heading down to reception. "I need some boiling water, and some disinfectant, and some bandages, please," she said, calmly.
"Um…we don't have all that for customer use…" began the attendant.
Harley shrugged. "All right, I'll let you bandage Mr. J up then, but I warn you, he ain't in a good mood after what he's been through. Gimme a sec and I'll fish the keys outta the toilet bowl and give 'em to you to clean…" she said, turning away.
"No, no, no, it's ok," interrupted the attendant. "I'll get some disinfectant from the janitor to give to you. And as for first aid…here you go," he said, grabbing the kit under the desk and handing it to her. "There's boiling water in the kitchen – help yourself," he said, pointing.
"Is the Joker all right, Harley?" asked Emilia.
"Who cares?" muttered Crane.
"He will be," said Harley, nodding. "He'll probably be pretty tender for a little while though. He swallowed the car keys last night, and they came out this morning."
She hurried back upstairs with the bandages. Crane and Emilia shared a look, and then headed back to their room without another word.