"Feeling any better, puddin'?" asked Harley, as she drove back toward Gotham.
Joker grunted in response, sitting sullenly and delicately in the passenger seat. He hissed in pain as he adjusted his position. "You should read something to distract yourself from the pain," said Harley, reaching into the backseat and tossing her book into his lap.
"I've already read it," he snapped.
"I know, so what did you think?" she asked. "Give me your honest opinion, Mr. J – I can take a little criticism."
"Well, you know it ain't really my genre, Harl," replied Joker. "I was kinda surprised how graphic it was. Really, really steamy stuff in there about us."
"So?" asked Harley. "You don't care what people think about us or our relationship, do you?"
"Not most people," he agreed. "But what if the kiddies grow up and get their hands on a copy? Would you want them to read this kinda explicit stuff about their Mom and Dad? Some of it's pretty sick and kinky."
"I'm pretty sure if the kiddies find out I wrote an erotic novel about us, they'd avoid it like the plague," said Harley. "If my Mom wrote an erotic novel about my parents, I sure wouldn't wanna read it."
"Have your parents read it?" asked Joker.
"I sent 'em a copy," said Harley, nodding. "Mom said it was…interesting. Dad didn't comment."
Joker sighed heavily. "Well, that ain't gonna make things awkward at the holidays," he muttered, adjusting his position again.
"But you liked the plot? And the characterization was believable?" pressed Harley.
"It's an erotic novel, Harley – it doesn't have plot or characterization. People just read these for the sex," said Joker.
"Do you think the sex was well written?" she asked. "I'm still not sure calling the Big J your Mighty Gun of Bang was a good idea…"
"Yeah, the sex scenes were funny," said Joker. "They're meant to make you laugh, right?"
"Well…not really," said Harley. "They're meant to kinda be arousing."
"Well, laughter kinda does that to me, pumpkin pie," said Joker, shrugging. "Not sure it has the same effect on everyone else though."
"I'd prefer if a novel about our love makes people laugh rather than cry," said Harley, nodding. "I figured if I published it, people could start seeing me as more than your abused victim, y'know? They'd start to see our relationship the way I do, as the most perfect thing in the world. But I dunno if it's helped at all."
"Thought you didn't care what people thought about us either," said Joker.
"I don't," she said. "Not really. But it would be nice to have the shrinks not look at me the way they do, y'know, with pity, and to have them stop treating me like I'm some dumb blonde with no self-esteem who just puts up with being treated bad because I don't know any better. Or because they think you've manipulated my mind so I'm completely emotionally dependent on you, and that leaving you would cause a complete mental breakdown."
"Well…it would, wouldn't it?" asked Joker, slowly.
"Yeah," agreed Harley. "But it was my choice to fall this deeply in love with you. Not that you can choose who you love, but you can choose to get outta it if it's unhealthy. I know our love's unhealthy, but I still choose it. It's like people who eat fast food, or don't exercise, or drink – might not be the smartest choice in the world, but you don't have people constantly telling them to stop doing what they do. Those are just more socially accepted ways of being unhealthy, so nobody bats an eye. When I was a shrink, you'd get doctors in Arkham trying to cure patients of their delusions or unhealthy coping mechanisms, and then after work they would go off to bars to engage in their own unhealthy coping mechanisms. You can't be healthy all the time, or you'll never have any fun. If I ever thought of giving you up, it'd be like those fad diets or killer exercise routines everyone resolves to do after New Years, and it would end just as quickly. Everyone's gotta have some vices, and mine's my love for you. It's as addictive as drinking, and euphoric as exercise, and as sweet and gooey as deep-fried pudding, puddin'," she said, kissing him.
Joker nodded. "And we don't do too badly, really," he said. "I mean, what's a few black eyes between lovers? It might not be for everyone, but we are who we are, and that's crazy. We deserve each other."
"We sure do, puddin'," agreed Harley. They were silent for a few moments. "Does it feel different now, with the kids?" she asked at last. "Our relationship, I mean."
"Yeah," he said. "That's not a bad thing."
"No," agreed Harley. "Just…feelings changing is a bad thing."
"Not always," said Joker. "I didn't feel much for you at the beginning."
"And now?" asked Harley.
He shrugged. "Feelings change," he replied, grinning.
Harley grinned back, and kissed him. "This is exactly how I felt at the beginning," she whispered.
They arrived back in Gotham and headed straight for Tetch's, knocking on the door. It was opened a few moments later by Tetch, who was a shadow of his former self. He looked as if he hadn't got a wink of sleep all weekend – he was ghastly pale, had dark circles under his eyes, and he shook slightly from a lack of caffeine, as the cups of tea he was so dependent on had been few and far between. But the most noticeable thing about him was that his always impeccable attire was singed and blackened and smoking.
"You said you'd be back last night," he said, staring at Harley.
"I…uh…got distracted," said Harley, looking at him in concern. "But I'm here now. Everything…ok with the kiddies?"
"They started another fire," he said. "With candles this time."
"Well, maybe you shouldn't leave those kinda things lying around if you don't want kiddies to play with 'em," retorted Joker. "It's entirely your own fault."
"Mommy! Daddy!" shrieked Arleen happily, racing out the door and straight into her parents' arms, followed shortly after by J.J. and Bud and Lou.
"Hey, kiddos, good to see ya!" chuckled Joker. "Did ya have a good weekend?"
"We sure did!" said J.J., happily. "Did you know if you add water to a grease fire, it explodes in this huge ball of flame?"
"Yes, some of us knew it before, but everyone knows it now," sighed Tetch.
"It was amazing, Daddy – like fireworks!" exclaimed Arleen.
"What about you two?" asked J.J. "Did you have a good weekend? Did you have lots of sex?"
Everyone stared at him. "How…do you know that word?" asked Joker.
J.J. shrugged. "Things you pick up. Don't know what it means, though – just know it's something grown-ups are meant to have on Valentine's Day."
"Is it like kissing, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Or hugging?"
"Sorta," agreed Joker, slowly. "I'll tell you about it when you're older."
"Good God, Jervis, you look terrible!" commented Jonathan Crane, who arrived at Tetch's at that moment with his wife. "I do hope our children didn't wear you out."
"Your children didn't, no," said Tetch. "Although…Annabel, do come down from there!" he exclaimed, racing back into the living room. Annabel had managed to scale a shelf and seize a book, which turned out to be too heavy for her, so she lost her balance and toppled down…and was caught by Lenore, who flew over and placed her carefully in her mother's arms.
"Hello, sweetheart!" cooed Emilia, as Annabel gurgled happily in recognition.
"I'm so glad you were here all weekend, my precious," said Crane, petting Lenore as she cooed happily on his shoulder.
"I'll just get Irving – Alice is watching him," said Tetch, heading back inside. "Katrina, my dear, your parents are here!"
"Did you have a good weekend, Uncle Jonathan and Aunt Emilia?" asked J.J.
"Did you have lots of sex?" asked Arleen.
"Which of course means lots of hugging and kissing," said Harley, hastily.
"Um…yes," said Emilia. "Yes, we did. It was a very good Valentine's Day weekend."
"Think you avoided getting pregnant this time?" asked Joker. "I hope one of you two geniuses thought to use protection – you got enough kids as it is."
"Thank you for your concern, Joker," said Emilia. "If I could reciprocate with my own concern, I do hope you're feeling better after your painful lesson about eating keys. One would think that would naturally be something one would avoid, but then some people are slower learners than others."
"You ate keys, Daddy?" asked J.J., puzzled. "Why?"
"It was your mother's fault," said Joker. "Think she learned her lesson though, didn't you, pooh?"
"Yep," said Harley, nodding. "Your Daddy will do some crazy things to cheer you outta a bad mood."
"I just can't stand seeing gloomy faces," sighed Joker. "That's just the kinda selfless guy I am. I even take time outta my romantic weekend to help others share in the same joy and cheer that I enjoy every day."
"Yes, you were certainly doing that, and not just annoying everyone to the point of madness," agreed Crane.
"Mommy, Daddy, thank goodness!" exclaimed Katrina, rushing out to hug her parents with Irving in her arms. "I was about to go crazy being around those children much longer!"
"It's a Joker family trait, my darling," said Crane, picking her up and kissing her. "Jervis, thank you so much for doing such a great job under difficult circumstances."
"Anytime you need the favor returned, we'd be happy to look after Alice," said Emilia.
"Oh, Alice is no trouble," said Tetch, patting his goddaughter's head as she petted her cat. "But in future, as much as I love children, I would prefer to only be responsible for one at a time
"Some of us didn't have a choice about how many kids we have," retorted Joker. "And some of us did," he said, pointedly, at Crane and Emilia.
"I'm sorry you're jealous, Joker," said Emilia, cuddling her children. "But then I think anyone would be after seeing our children."
"I think you're the ones who are jealous of our kids, actually," said Harley. "Because there's nobody more precious in the whole world than Arleen and J.J."
"Actually, having looked after other children now, I can definitively say that Alice is by far the best child in the world," said Tetch. "She doesn't start fires, or climb things, or vomit up sweets on my specially tailored suit."
"Who did that?" asked Joker.
"Irving," said Tetch. "But that was because your daughter kept feeding him sweets, which he's far too young for."
"Never too young for candy, right, Daddy?" asked Arleen.
"That's right, princess," said Joker, kissing her.
"Please don't ever leave us again," said Katrina, clinging to her father.
"We won't, my angel," said Crane, soothingly. "We missed you so much while we were gone."
"Did you miss us too, Daddy?" asked Arleen.
"Course we did," said Joker. "Your Mommy missed you so much that she almost ruined the whole weekend, but fortunately I managed to fix everything, as usual."
"Yep, your Daddy's a helluva guy," said Harley, beaming at him. "Better than any fantasy a girl could ever dream up."
"All right, home time, kiddies!" exclaimed Joker, placing Arleen on his shoulders and taking J.J.'s hand. "And on the way, we'll stop for milkshakes at that fast food place you like with the clown mascot. We can even start another grease fire there if you want – those places have nothing but grease in 'em. Although maybe if you've had enough fire this weekend, Daddy can show you how to destroy things with acid…"
Harley followed Joker and her children back to the car, thinking that it had probably been the best Valentine's Day ever, despite its ups and downs. It hadn't been very romantic, all things considered, but Mr. J was right in that respect - romance was vastly overrated. It was certainly nothing compared to mad love.
The End