The group dynamic began to change pretty quickly after the incident with Aveline. Everyone seemed to have had some kind of epiphany surrounding their own relationships and their own happiness. Anders had never hidden his affection for Hawke, and Hawke had never done a good job of hiding hers for Fenris. To tell you the truth I had no idea what I really wanted from this whole predicament. The idea of everyone moving on with their lives appealed to me - but we still had a way to go before things would settle down in Kirkwall, if they ever did.

The 'Aveline Incident', as we were so affectionately referring to it, was the catalyst for a whole host of events within our little circle. Hawke had never been stingy with her attention, and it was well known that she was quite the charmer. Men or women, didn't seem to bother her who it was as long as they were relatively attractive and enthusiastic. Our group of friends fell mostly into those categories. Fenris, however, was slightly different. Hawke was many things but she wasn't stupid. She made no attempt to seduce Anders because she was aware of his unrequited feelings, and she made no attempt of the like on Fenris because she knew that she had one shot with him. If she made herself out to be a one night stand that's exactly what she would be.

Truth be told she was looking for a little more, and it was giving me the worst indigestion I'd ever had.

I liked the idea of things rolling forward as they should, Hawke and I the inseparable best friends, her love fighting alongside her, our extended friend circle finding the happiness they deserved. What I didn't like, however, was the realisation that she meant more to me than I'd been allowing myself to accept.

Slowly but surely I was coming to terms with the fact that I had a bit of a crush on her. Who didn't? She was beautiful and deadly. Crush was the word I was going to use to describe it for now. That was about the only place I was happy to take it.

After a day collecting materials for merchants, favours for favours for friends, we'd all retired to the Hanged Man for some of our usual rounds of Wicked Grace and ale. Hawke was getting good at it by now, and we played into the night until one by one everyone left. Everyone apart from Hawke, Fenris and I. It was awkward, or at least I felt awkward. Maybe it was just me, those two were genuinely hard to read. Following some self-deliberation I decided to leave them to it and retire to my suite. As much as I didn't want to leave them alone together due to a not so small amount of jealousy, I realised letting things take their own course would solve my problems too. I'd be forced to get over it one way or another if they shacked up in Hightown together.

It wasn't long before Hawke was standing in the doorway looking sheepish. I gestured for her to come in and she did so, standing in the empty space rather than coming to the table like usual.

"You left that grouch all by himself?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Well actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that."

There was a pause, Hawke seemed to be looking for permission to continue. I gestured to the chair across from me and she shook her head.

"Not staying long. Fenris is waiting."

Ah so it was like that, she was still planning on going back to spend time with him.

"Well, what's up?"

She bit her lip and looked at me, shit I'd never seen that expression before. Hawke was many things but she wasn't bashful. It tugged at the heartstrings.

"I want you to kiss me."

Silence. Complete, stifling silence.

"I'm sorry, you want me to what?"

"It's just something I need to work out in my head."

"What about my head? When that elf comes in here and cuts it clean from my shoulders!"

For a while we just stared at each other, she was giving me an intense look. Eventually she walked over, but instead of sitting on the unoccupied chair she put herself down on my lap instead.

"Hey!" I protested but she shushed me.

"Look, shut up for a moment and let me explain." I gestured for her to continue and she removed her hand from my mouth. "I know things have been getting a little weird lately. And honestly the whole Aveline thing, and the time with mother and Carver, we haven't talked about it. About whatever this" she gestured to the two of us. "Is. I like Fenris. I know you've got your own special someone somewhere even if you won't talk about it. I just want to double check, okay? For closure."

"Oh yeah and what happens if one of us feels differently to the other?"

"Well then at least we'll know."

"You have to be kidding me!"

I was exasperated, Hawke was asking the impossible of me. If she had any idea how distracted I'd been trying to work out just what the hell was going on in my brain the past few months she wouldn't have asked.

"I'm serious Varric come on! Don't laugh at me. It's for reference."

I couldn't believe I was going to agree to this.

"So, your idea of working out the issue and getting over this awkwardness is to…" I swallowed unable to even say the words. "To…"

"To kiss again yeah."

It sounded just as insane the second time.

"How the hell do you expect that to work?"

"Well, we do it, we see how we feel about it and we go from there."

She wasn't joking, she really meant to do this. Sighing I nodded, best to just get it over with. We shuffled around for a moment until we were facing each other at a reasonable distance. Her face was as red as a tomato, and it was kind of endearing. Neither of us was going to start this any time soon so I took the initiative.

If I thought about it her lips were rosy and inviting. So I tried not to think about it.

This time when we kissed we tried to take it a little more seriously than the previous two incidents. I suppose the rationale was that if we didn't kiss with conviction then how were we supposed to know how we felt about it. When we decided enough was enough - which admittedly wasn't for a while - our faces remained relatively close together. I don't think either of us really wanted to see the other's expression.

"S-see." Hawke began, doing her best to convince the both of us. "Nothing, right? Just friends who are comfortable with each other."

I nodded, but we didn't separate entirely, instead resting our foreheads against each other. It was warm and comfortable, her breathing mixed with mine. There was something right about it, and that was terrifying.

"Yeah, just friends." I agreed.

Both of us knew that was a lie, but there had been more there than perhaps either of us were expecting. If it had felt like lust maybe we'd have addressed it, but it didn't. It felt like something a lot more troubling, and so even though we'd done this in the hopes of resolving a problem it seemed the problem would remain even so.

Standing up Hawke righted herself and struggled to speak for a moment before she all but shouted at me.

"I'm going to pursue a relationship with Fenris!"

I blinked, taken aback. She was giving me a chance to tell her not to but I didn't have the strength for it. If I told her not to it would be like inviting her to get serious with me, which was something I couldn't offer to her. Our entire relationship would undoubtedly be based around moments like this where we stole kisses for stupid reasons, and eventually it would end. There was nowhere for something like that to go, to grow, and I had someone else I needed to think about. I couldn't let a hasty decision jeopardise something that had been established for so long no matter how much time had passed since I'd last seen or heard from her. I had made a promise and I intended to keep it.

"Alright," I said eventually, Hawke was visibly deflated. "Good luck, if that's what you're into you're gonna need the patience of a saint."

I tried to laugh a little for her, but this time the jokes felt flat. She smiled sadly and turned to leave.

"Thanks Varric. See you later." Just like that she was gone again, something in the pit of my stomach made me sick at the thought that I'd sent her to someone else. I knew it was the right choice. Selfish, but she'd forgive me in time.

After all, we were friends before all else.