I didn't realise how hard you tried.
I didn't realise how much you loved me.
I didn't realise how it hurt you.
Until you were gone.
The first thing I sense is a certain warmth on my face. I groggily open my eyes. Sun. I turn around and try to sleep some more. Because that's what I've been doing the past couple of months. Nothing but sleeping. There are days that I really can't get out of bed. And there are days that I'm just sitting on the couch, watching the hours tick by.
No matter how hard I try. I still think of you every day.
I groan and stand up. I'm hungry and walk to the kitchen. With my cereals and a glass orange juice, I plop down on the couch and watch some tv. There are some really dumb series, but I watch them anyways. The hours go by and I just lay lazily on the couch, not trying to get up and do something productive. What can I do ? Nothing cheers me up. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing has a purpose anymore.
It's like I can still feel you, even though I can't see you.
I hear the clinging sound of keys. The front door opens. A blond man walks in. "Hey Anna, you're up !" He cheers. He walks to the kitchen while holding up three bags. "I bought groceries and some other stuff," he informs me. I don't respond. I blankly stare at the tv.
My big brother, Kristoff. It has been hard for him too. But he deals with it better than I do. My sweet big brother. He has always been there for me. What would I do without him ?
"Anna..." Kristoff comes sitting next to me. He lays a bouquet of red roses into my lap.
My eyes go wide. I shriek and I jump up. The roses fall on the ground. Bewildered I look at him, as if he just stabbed me. Well, he kind of has. Mentally.
I still can't look at red roses. Her last present for me were red 'apology' roses. I still can't look at red roses today.
And I don't think I'll ever be able to.
Kristoff picks up the bouquet gently. "It's been so long," he mutters as he brushes the petals of the flowers. Elsa used to do that. My heart aches. "Today, a year."
Already ?
He looks me in the eye. He smiles sadly. "Shall we pay her a visit ?"
My stomach complains. I feel nauseous. I shake my head. I can't. I can't do it. It hurts my soul so much even thinking of her. How can I ever survive a visit to her grave ? The thought of it makes my stomach twist and turn, it makes me feel dizzy and wanting to throw up. Her grave. I hate that word. Her grave. It came seventy years too early.
It came too early.
The day of the accident.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like that. Not at all like that.
She never arrived home. She never got to see me again. She probably left the world thinking I hated her.
But I didn't. I don't.
I could never hate you.
I get the news an hour later. An hour later. She was hit, they say. She is in critical condition, they say. She probably wouldn't make it, they think. It's all my fault. I pushed her. She was already on the verge of collapsing, and I didn't do anything to help her. Instead, I pushed her further towards her reaching point. She snapped. She was totally acting within her right.
I am a horrible person.
The rest happened in a blur. I remember that I called Kristof to bring me to her. He was shocked, of course. We arrive at the scene. Police men and bystanders are loudly talking and gasping at the sight. It looks horrible. The first car is laying right on the middle of the road. A man was sitting next to it, paramedics treating his wounds. The second car is horribly crushed.
Her car.
The wind whispers her name.
Elsa.
I open my car door and speed towards the yellow tape. A police officer blocks my way to her. "I need to get to her !" I scream. "She's my girlfriend, I need to see her !" He quickly steps aside. I run towards Elsa's car. A woman comes walking to my direction. I run past her, all I care about is Elsa.
She catches me in my haste and holds me back.
"NO !" I scream desperately and try to reach for Elsa. "NO please !" Tears run down my cheeks like waterfalls.
A glimpse of bloodied pale legs catches my eye. I try to get loose. The woman is stronger and holds me back. "It's best that you don't see her like this," she says sternly.
I feel a pair of big arms wrapping around my shoulders. Kristoff. I turn towards him and cry into his chest. The woman rubs my shoulder. "I'm very sorry for your loss," is all she says. She smiles understandingly, but she wouldn't understand what I just lost.
I lost more than only my best friend and girlfriend.
I lost my everything. My support, my lover, my Snowflake... I lost my everything.
The wind howls.
Elsa. Come back to me.
I slowly put on my jacket. Elsa always loved the colour red on me. It made me look so fierce, she told me repeatedly. I growl and wriggle out of it. I throw it in the corner of my bedroom. Kristoff's bedroom. His guest bedroom. I've been living in his apartment for a year now. I can't bear to set foot in ours again. It hasn't been sold yet, technically I'm still renting the place. I'm just not living in it. I don't think I'll ever be able to live in it. It reminds me too much of her.
I have to sell it. They want me to move out of it so new people can take the place. But I don't want that either. This was Elsa's first home. And her last. I don't want to sell her home. If I do, every real proof that she really existed I have of her, will then be wiped away to only be a memory, a short period in my life.
Our four and a half years together have flown by.
I haven't lived it to its fullest while she was still there. I haven't lived it to its fullest with her.
"Anna," Kristoff's soft voice calls me back to the present. "Are you ready ?"
Will I ever be ready ?
I sigh and put on my other coat. A black one. It kind of suits the situation. We step out of the door. It's the first time in months that I've been outside. The cold air enters my nostrils. I let out a sob.
Why does literally everything remind me of you ?
She adored the cold weather. She was born in the winter. A real winter baby. Snow and ice was her thing. She could spend hours in the snow and on the ice. She adored the winter season. She was the embodiment of winter itself. And it was a gorgeous sight.
We walk slowly to the cemetery. Frost covers the tomb stones. A small white tombstone comes into view. I stop.
"Anna ?" Kristoff asks softly.
I shake my head and look at him with pleading eyes.
He takes my hand and leads me to the stone. Here I stand. By her grave. I stare at the inscription.
Here lays our beloved daughter, girlfriend and sister; Elsa Sofia Roberts.
The storm rages on, but the cold has never bothered you anyway.
1989 – 2015
Kristoff places the roses right in front of the stone. The red contrasts stark with the spotless white. Elsa loved roses. Blue roses were her favourite. Next time, I'm going to buy her blue roses. The sky is grey. Everything is grey. Except for her grave. I bend down and place my hand on her stone.
"I can't believe it's already been a year since I lost you," I whisper. "How I miss you. Do you wanna build a snowman ?"
The wind howls.
And she... she will never answer me back.
Two days after the accident.
I get a call that day. They told me that she was ready. That I could see her. My heart beats fast in my chest. I don't know if I can do this. Kristoff is with me. He knew her very well too. They've always liked each other. He loved to be her big brother too. Siblings, not by blood, but by heart. Elsa never had a big brother, so Kristoff gladly took that position. My parents also thought highly of her. They took her in like a daughter. She was welcomed with open arms.
And she would always be welcome.
We walk slowly to the morgue. The air is dense and smells horrible. I guess that's what dead people smell like.
I can't do this.
But I have to. For her.
The door opens and an old, friendly looking man calls my name. We walk into the room. There is only one curtain. I suddenly have the feeling that I have to throw up. The old man leaves the room. We have the time to ourselves, he says. Kristoff takes my hand and softly leads me to the curtain. I stop abruptly.
"Kristoff... I can't," I whimper. The tears already start rolling down my cheek. He smiles sadly. "You don't have to."
But I want to.
"I can go first if you'd like..." he offers. I nod. He steps behind the curtain. I expect a gasp, a scream of terror... Nothing. "She looks as beautiful as always," he whispers.
I swallow down the big lump in my throat. This is it. I'm doing this for her. This needs to have an ending. I step behind the curtain. My heart skips a beat.
"That's not her." I say curtly.
I know it's her. But it isn't HER. The woman laying on the table is not my beloved girlfriend. That is not my Snowflake. I stomp my foot on the ground. "This isn't her ! This isn't how Elsa looked like when she was still alive !"
When she was still... alive.
My heart hurts at the sight of her laying so helpless on that cold table. They did everything to fix her up. Put casts around her horribly broken legs. Stuffed her stomach so she didn't look like a skeleton. Applied make up on her face to cover up those ugly bruises. She looks so fragile, so broken. I can only stare at her. If only she knew how much I already miss her.
Her face looks so serene. So calm. As if she's just taking a nap. As if she's going to wake up any minute now, see me standing next to her and smile at me hesitantly. Then she will get up and hug me, tell me how much she loves me. And I will hug her back. And I will hold her close to me. And I will never, never let her go.
But she will never wake up again. I will never get to see her gorgeous blue eyes again. She will never get up and hug me again.
And it makes my soul cringe.
She is white. So white. She always had a pale skin. But this is beyond pale. Her lips look stiff. Everything on her looks stiff. Her eyelids, her hair, even her eyebrows. They all look too stiff. My eyes travel down her body. She is wearing the clothes I picked out for her. They asked me if I wanted to help her dress. I didn't. I didn't want to see that broken body. I didn't want to look at her dead, cold body. I couldn't dress her, even though I so badly wanted it.
You're safe now.
The clothes fit her slim body perfectly. This is her favourite outfit. The red stilettos that looked so sexy on her. Tight, skinny jeans. A white blouse. A slim fitting suit jacket. Her watch on her wrist. Her snowflake necklace, I once bought for her, around her beautiful neck. She was so excited when I showed her the necklace. She was beaming. And her smile melted me completely.
I let out a sob. My fingers trace her eyebrows. The tiny hairs are stiff and unmoving. Her skin is as cold as ice.
You didn't deserve this.
I slowly grab her delicate hand. Cold. It's still flexible, I'm surprised.
You deserve a happy, long, perfect life.
I play with her long fingers. I feel the bones under the skin. I gulp down a sob. She'll never play the piano ever again. She'll never fiddle with her braid ever again. And she'll never cherish and play with my hair ever again.
And here you lay.
Behind me, Kristoff places two chairs. He sits down on one of them. "I'm going to miss that girl so badly," he mutters. And for the first time, in sixteen years, he cries.
"Anna, it's time," Kristoff speaks.
I turn my head.
Time for wh... Oh. It's time.
"B-b- but I'm not ready yet," I croak. I don't think I'll ever be.
Kristoff seats on the couch next to me. "They need you to remove your stuff, Anna. And you need to move on." He rubs my arm. "Let her go, Anna."
Elsa always used to say 'let it go'. It was her little chant, she lived by it. She has had so many things in her life that she had to let go. She learned to do it. She was learning me to do it. She was learning me to do everything.
I growl. What am I ? A fucking toddler ? I can do things on my own ! I can take care of myself !
Yet here I am... I am pathetic.
It's been a year, and I still can't bear the fact that I have to live without her every single day. She used to take care of me. She used to sing me to sleep, with that angelic voice. She used to watch over me. And now...
"If you don't move the stuff out by the end of the month, they're going to do it for you. And I don't think you would want that," he stands up. "Come on, I'll help you. I've always helped you."
He has always helped.
Wether he liked it or not. Because I couldn't do it myself. Because I'm a pathetic little girl. And I'll always be. He always took care of me, until Elsa came along.
She came into our lives like the miracle we were hoping for. She was so sweet, kind and understanding. She didn't care that I was different. All she cared for was my happiness. She did everything to bring me that.
And look where it brought her to.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and press the button. Seven voice mails. From her. The last thing I have of her. Voice mailing was never her thing. She did it anyways. For me. Because of me.
- Booooppp ! -
"Hey Anna, it's me, Elsa... obviously... I- I.. I just wanted to call you to hear your voice. Are you doing ok ? I'm sorry. I messed up."
- Booooppp ! -
"Anna, please pick up. It doesn't have to be for long. I just want to hear you."
- Booooppp ! -
"I love you."
- Booooppp ! -
"You have every right to ignore me."
- Booooppp ! -
"I miss you... Anna."
- Booooppp ! -
"Anna ! I'm coming home. And I will set things right. Wait for me !"
Those were her last words to me. My heart aches. I can't do this. I won't do this.
I don't want to live without the thought of you !
I'm not ready... yet.
It feels like the world is moving on without me. I'm frozen on the same spot. I can't move. I can't think. I can't feel. Everything feels heavy. Every thought costs energy that I don't have. Every fiber in my body lingers to her. It always goes back to her.
What have I done ?
My finger hoovers over the grey button. I can't breath normally anymore. My hand moves to my mouth and I start to cry. My throat becomes heavy, thick. Tears fall onto my lap. Without thought, I hit the grey button. 'Delete these items ?'
I have to let go.
'Confirm.'
Of you.
I put my hands over my face and cry out loud. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see how she gets erased from my phone. As if she never existed.
But I don't want to.
A short beep informs me that the inevitable has happened.
Because I still love you.
'Items deleted.'
Six days after the accident.
"I thank you all for coming," I say with a loud voice through the microphone. I look at the people that have gathered. There are so many ! I never expected all of them to come. And Elsa thought she wasn't loved... If she could see how many people cared for her. Her family, friends, colleagues, former lovers and even her students showed up.
And you thought you weren't loved.
They all came to pay you one last visit. And then your coffin will be closed forever.
I wipe away a tear.
"They asked me if I wanted to say something. I didn't have to, they told me. But I accepted. She's my girlfriend and this is the last thing I'll ever be able to do for her.
We weren't perfect. We bickered, we fought, we bitched. But we loved each other, with all our hearts. She was perfect in every way. She was smart, kind and beautiful. She was an amazing teacher, loving daughter and enjoyable colleague. She was a sweet girlfriend and a brilliant pianist. And even though she was perfect, she was a surprisingly bad cook..."
The audience laughs softly.
"...but that made her appreciate my meals even more. The look on her face whenever I put down a plate of freshly cooked spaghetti. She totally adored my spaghetti. A thing she also adored was chocolate. She couldn't get enough of them. For her birthday, I always bought her a box. The smile on her face resembled that of a child's when meeting Santa for the first time. I gave her all kinds of crappy gifts, but she loved every single one of them.
How wrong I was when I said that she didn't understand me, that night. She did understand me, and she was trying to protect me from myself. And I didn't pick up the signals. Such a fool I am. I spit at her. The last time I interacted with her, I spit at her. Way to go Anna, worst girlfriend ever. She left the house and didn't come home the next day. And what did I do ? I kept ignoring her calls, her pleas for forgiveness. I was bitter, selfish and.. arrogant. If it weren't for me, she would have come home the other day. And she wouldn't have laid in this ugly coffin, because really, it's ugly.
I guess I want to tell you all that it's important to say goodbye to your loved ones. Even if you had a fight, don't ever let them walk out on you without a proper goodbye. Because I just let Elsa walk out of my life and I'll have to live with that regret every single day. She was my Snowflake, my sweetheart, my goofball. And because of one mistake, I'll never get to see her again.
Elsa, you are the love of my life. And you will always be. Forever.
Goodbye Elsa.
Let's build a snowman."
The audience is quiet. I walk back to my seat. Kristoff rubs my shoulder. I stare at the ground. My vision becomes a blur and tears wet the red carpet under my feet.
Her parents come by later that day. I can't look at her mother. She looks so much like Elsa. It's like Elsa is standing in front of me, only an older version of her. Her mother hugs me. It's like Elsa hugs me. I sob. Her father shakes my hand. He looks devastated. Their only child.
At least my parents have Kristoff when I were dead.
"You did good," Elsa's mother whispers. "And you are not to blame. This was a horrible accident, but it was not your fault."
But I didn't safe her, so it'll always be... my fault.
It's been weeks since I visited her grave. I got a call from my boss a few days ago. He asked how I was doing, if I needed anything and when I would come back to work.
When I would come back to work.
He told me to take my time to grieve properly. It was kind of him, but threatening to fire me if I don't come to work soon is from a whole other level. He can't do that to me ! If I go back to work, things will soon be the way they were and I will forget her. And I don't want that. I want to keep her alive, I want to keep her phantom alive. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to forget her. Not now, never.
I sit on the couch. Dreading for what's next to come.
The apartment.
I'm going to visit it this afternoon. I have to move our stuff out of it. I have to move Elsa's stuff out of it. Kristoff offered me a ride, but I want to walk instead. I want to do this on my own. This is between Elsa and me.
The time has come and I slowly head to her place. Our place. My place. I manage to drag myself up the familiar staircase. I have so many memories of us that have its roots here. I kissed her for the first time on these stairs. We were drunk together on these stairs. We cried together on these stairs. We laughed together on these stairs. She dropped a real expensive wine bottle on these stairs. She was so embarrassed.
This is where I asked you to be my girlfriend. Do you remember that, Elsa ?
I stand before our door. I can feel still feel her. As if she's there.
I turn the knob. The door opens with a croak. The room is surprisingly bright. The sun rays hit the couch, the dining table and other furniture. Nothing has been changed for over a year. Everything is exactly the way it was, the night she left. I close the door behind me. I can smell her scent still hanging in the air. Her cool, wintry scent. It was a unique scent, one of a kind.
Everything still smells of you, how can I ever forget you ?
The door to her study is still half open. My heart beats like a maniac in my chest. I push her study door further open. I break down and fall on the ground while crying hysterically. The torn papers are still laying spread out on the floor. Her book, her most proud possession, still lays broken next to her chair. Her papers are still neatly folded on her desk. The pencils lay next to it. And her empty cup of tea stands in the corner.
Everything in this room brings me back to that night. I cry. I never stop. I can't stop. So much grief. So much guilt. So much sorrow. How could I let her go that easily ? It feels like she just slipped away from under my grasp. I should have stopped her. I should have returned her calls and texts... I should have. I'm a coward. I was so cooped up with myself and my anger that I never thought about the fact that she might be hurt as well. I insulted her. I ripped her books apart. I spit at her !
How could I be so blind. I knew she loved me with all her heart. I took it for granted. She tried her best. I didn't. I'm a loser. I don't deserve her.
And now she's gone.
Because of me.
Why did you leave me behind ? Can't you see that I can't do it on my own ? It's so unfair.
I'm angry. And sad. And I'm angry because she just stepped out of my life. But can't be angry at her. Because none of it was her fault. And I feel so guilty.
Please forgive me.
I crawl over the ground and collect the torn pages. I pick up her book and lay it on her desk. Red notes cover the pages. Her handwriting is on every page. Her beautiful neat handwriting. I read a few lines. They're not even about maths.
'Sun rays. No. The sun itself ? Gold. Definitely gold. Nothing less.'
Another page.
'Pretty small. Not too thick. Not too thin. I don't want it to break easily.'
I have no idea what she was talking about. I grin sadly. Goofy girl. Brilliant, goofy girl.
It's like you never left. Everything in this room is so connected to you.
I leave her study. The bedroom is next. Our bedroom. I haven't slept in it since the day she left. I couldn't. Her pillow, her side of the bed, I just couldn't lay in it while she was away. I never could.
The room is cold. The sheets still lay like a year ago. The sheets on her side of the bed neatly folded. The sheets on my side look like a mess. Her pillow is full and clean. Mine looks like a flat pancake. Her glasses lay on her night stand. On top of a book she was reading. The bookmark still in it to let her know where she left off. She will never read the end of it. She will never know the happy ending. She will never have her happy ending.
I open our closet. Her clothes are still in it. I stuff one of her hoodies in my face. I can still smell her. I pull it off its hanger and put it on.
You were always the organised one of the two of us.
I walk to her side of the bed and sit on it. Then, my eye catches the door of her night stand. I was never allowed to take a look in it. It was the one thing she liked to keep private, the rest of the house was all mine to explore, she always said. Should I open it ? I should leave it closed, I should respect her wishes, even after death.
But I open it anyways.
A few papers are on the top shelve. Her PhD, her certificates and other major achievements she accomplished spite her young age. The middle shelve contains a box of Belgian chocolates. I smirk. How about that !
Hiding chocolates from me, Elsa ?
The last shelve is empty. Empty ? My hand roams through it. At the very back of it, I find something. I pull it out. It's a tiny black box. A small paper folded in half next to it.
A tiny. black. box.
My stomach drops.
No.
I open it.
no...
I take out the small golden ring and observe it closely. It resembled the sun. Gold and magnificent. I immediately put the ring around my finger. It fits perfectly. I stare at my hand.
Anna Roberts – Warren.
Her name fits me like a tailor made coat.
I fold open the tiny paper. In blue ink, only three words are written on it.
'Be mine, forever.'
I press the paper to my chest and sob uncontrollably. I nod. I keep nodding. "Yes, I'll be yours. Forever and ever. I'll be yours." I cry as I kiss the tiny note repeatedly. "I'll be yours, Elsa. I'll be all yours."
I didn't realise how hard you tried.
I didn't realise how much you loved me.
I didn't realise how it hurt you.
Until you were gone.
This sequel wasn't supposed to happen. But it seemed only fair to show how Anna copes with Elsa's death. Her feelings and thoughts is what I would feel and think if I ever were to lose someone close to me. Also, grieving takes time, you can't one day decide that you're done grieving. It sometimes takes years and then still you never really get over someone.
Death is normal. Everyone has lost someone. Pull strength from each other. Comfort each other. And keep hope. Because one day, you'll meet again.
This is the last chapter of this supposed to be one shot. I wrote it surprisingly quickly though.
Thanks for reading. I'll go back to fluff and happy things now as this has required a very dark mindset for me.
Yours truly, 116788